Sel. You have got my hat, though!

Blith. I’ve been here with it three or four times. I’m glad to get rid of it! (Selwyn snatches it, and goes up leaving other hat in his hand.)

Capt. K. (to Blithers). Sir, I made a formal request of you, this morning.

Blith. Stop! That’s my hat! (Taking hat quickly from Capt. Katskill’s hand.)

Capt. K. Your’s? Then it was you who gave me the “oner?”

Blith. Not that I am aware of, my good young man!

Sel. (aside). Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.

Capt. K. I was standing outside my club, after giving a farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was rudely knocked off!

Blith. Not by me, sir, I assure you.

Dibbs (aside). The mixture as before! They want me to help ’em again! (Taking hat that Selwyn gave to Blithers.) This is your hat, I think, Captain?

Capt. K. Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?

Dibbs. Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn’t this gent (pointing to Blithers) who boxed you, but this one! (Pointing to Selwyn.)

Sel. (aside). Oh! That damned boy will be the death of me!

Dibbs (aside to Selwyn). All right, sir. The milingtary gent’s in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!

Sel. Is he? Then my life may be spared!

Capt. K. (threateningly). So, sir, it was you!

Sel. Yes! But we will not resume our fistic encounter—remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He may as well have Grace now that’s Fred’s got another flame!

Capt. K. The Katskills of Kilkenny never bear malice!—Your hand!

Sel. Don’t mention it! (They go up, C.)

Dibbs (down, L.). I knew I could get things straight!

Enter Mrs. Selwyn and Grace.

Mrs. S. Painful as it is to go into these family matters before you, Mr. Tompkins. (Addressing Blithers.)

Blith. I beg your pardon—Blithers!

Sel. (coming down C. to Mrs. Selwyn). Yes, dear—Blithers—you are mixing things up!

Mrs. S. Well, Blithers, if you wish—my husband’s conduct last night with this Miss—I do not know her name——

Fred. (Bringing Lottie forward). Mrs. Bellamy!

Mrs. S. (astonished). Mrs. Bellamy!

Sel. (to Mrs. Selwyn). I told you, dear, you were mixing things up!

Mrs. S. (to Selwyn). But, Samuel, you confessed to me you met this lady——

Sel. I never saw her in all my life!

Fred. Certainly not last night, for I was with her the whole evening!

Blith. I can testify to the truth of that!

Mrs. S. Are you conspiring to deceive me?

Sel. No, my dear. The fact is, I may have appeared to have been rather in a hobble, but it was all assumed—all put on, my dear. Every bit of it, and if you don’t understand it, I do, and so don’t make yourself ridiculous before visitors—but give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!

Grace. Oh! dear papa!

Capt. K. (to Grace). Me jewel!

Mrs. S. I certainly don’t understand it, but I suppose it’s all right?

Sel. Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was at the bottom of it all to begin with.

Dibbs (indignantly). Me! (Down, L.)

Sel. (winks). Yes! I thought at first of discharging him, but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in his wages. (Bringing Blithers and Captain Katskill down C., and aside to Blithers.) How did you become possessed of my head-gear?

Blith. Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson’s hat-stand what was I to do?

Sel. (to Captain Katskill). How did the name of Tompkins get into your chimney-pot, Captain?

Capt. K. It’s my hatter’s name—not mine!

Sel. (to Mrs. Selwyn). There, my dear, now I hope that you are satisfied?

Mrs. S. Partly! But there still seem one or two things not quite clear. How was it that you said——

Sel. (appealing to all). Now she’s mixing it again! You explain, my friends! (Group C., all speak at once to Mrs. Selwyn.)

Fred. Lottie. Capt. K.

I fell in love with Lottie—— We were married on the sly, so—— Explain, is it? Listen a while, Madam——

Mrs. S. Stop! I understand!

Sel. Bella understands, (coming C.) so that’s all right. (Aside.) It’s more than I do. (Aloud.) The question is (to audience) do you understand? Of course you do, you understand everything, especially that all we have done to-night has been to amuse without offending, in the hope of being rewarded with the generous coinage of your approval paid (indicating applause) by note of hand.

Curtain.