When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon met
us, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians and
their allies; and then declared that she was angry, for
that she had suffered dreadful things, though she
benefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the first
place, not less than a drachma every month for torches;
so that also all, when they went out of an evening, were
wont to say, "Boy, don't buy a torch, for the moonlight
is beautiful." And she says she confers other benefits
on you, but that you do not observe the days at all
correctly, but confuse them up and down; so that she
says the gods are constantly threatening her, when they
are defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, not
having met with the regular feast according to the
number of the days. And then, when you ought to be
sacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating.
And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when we
mourn for Memnon or Sarpedon, you are pouring libations
and laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, having
obtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon, was
afterward deprived by us gods of his crown; for thus he
will know better that he ought to spend the days of his
life according to the Moon.
[Enter Socrates]
Soc. By Respiration, and Chaos, and Air, I have not seen
any man so boorish, nor so impracticable, nor so stupid,
nor so forgetful; who, while learning some little petty
quibbles, forgets them before he has learned them.
Nevertheless I will certainly call him out here to the
light. Where is Strepsiades? Come forth with your couch.
Strep. (from within). The bugs do not permit me to bring
it forth.
Soc. Make haste and lay it down; and give me your
attention.
[Enter Strepsiades]
Strep. Very well.
Soc. Come now; what do you now wish to learn first of
those things in none of which you have ever been
instructed? Tell me. About measures, or rhythms, or
verses?
Strep. I should prefer to learn about measures; for it
is but lately I was cheated out of two choenices by a
meal-huckster.
Soc. I do not ask you this, but which you account the
most beautiful measure; the trimetre or the tetrameter?
Strep. Make a wager then with me, if the semisextarius
be not a tetrameter.
Soc. Go to the devil! How boorish you are and dull of
learning. Perhaps you may be able to learn about
rhythms.
Strep. But what good will rhythms do me for a living?
Soc. In the first place, to be clever at an
entertainment, understanding what rhythm is for the
war-dance, and what, again, according to the dactyle.
Strep. According to the dactyle? By Jove, but I know it!
Soc. Tell me, pray.
Strep. What else but this finger? Formerly, indeed, when
I was yet a boy, this here!
Soc. You are boorish and stupid.
Strep. For I do not desire, you wretch, to learn any of
these things.
Soc. What then?
Strep. That, that, the most unjust cause.
Soc. But you must learn other things before these;
namely, what quadrupeds are properly masculine.
Strep. I know the males, if I am not mad-krios, tragos,
tauros, kuon, alektryon.
Soc. Do you see what you are doing? You are calling both
the female and the male alektryon in the same way.
Strep. How, pray? Come, tell me.
Soc. How? The one with you is alektryon, and the other
is alektryon also.
Strep. Yea, by Neptune! How now ought I to call them?
Soc. The one alektryaina and the other alektor.
Strep. Alektryaina? Capital, by the Air! So that, in
return for this lesson alone, I will fill your kardopos
full of barley-meal on all sides.
Soc. See! See! There again is another blunder! You make
kardopos, which is feminine, to be masculine.
Strep. In what way do I make kardopos masculine?
Soc. Most assuredly; just as if you were to say
Cleonymos.
Strep. Good sir, Cleonymus had no kneading-trough, but
kneaded his bread in a round mortar. How ought I to call
it henceforth?
Soc. How? Call it kardope, as you call Sostrate.
Strep. Kardope in the feminine?
Soc. For so you speak it rightly.
Strep. But that would make it kardope, Kleonyme.
Soc. You must learn one thing more about names, what are
masculine and what of them are feminine.
Strep. I know what are female.
Soc. Tell me, pray.
Strep. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.
Soc. What names are masculine?
Strep. Thousands; Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias.
Soc. But, you wretch! These are not masculine.
Strep. Are they not males with you?
Soc. By no means; for how would you call Amynias, if you
met him?
Strep. How would I call? Thus: "Come hither, come hither
Amynia!"
Soc. Do you see? You call Amynias a woman.
Strep. Is it not then with justice, who does not serve
in the army? But why should I learn these things, that
we all know?
Soc. It is no use, by Jupiter! Having reclined yourself
down here—
Strep. What must I do?
Soc. Think out some of your own affairs.
Strep. Not here, pray, I beseech you; but, if I must,
suffer me to excogitate these very things on the ground.
Soc. There is no other way.
[Exit Socrates.]
Strep. Unfortunate man that I am! What a penalty shall I
this day pay to the bugs!
Cho. Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourself
about in every way, having wrapped yourself up; and
quickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring to
another mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep be
absent from your eyes.
Strep. Attatai! Attatai!
Cho. What ails you? Why are you distressed?
Strep. Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians,
coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring my
sides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing away
my flesh, and digging through my vitals, and will
annihilate me.
Cho. Do not now be very grievously distressed.
Strep. Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexion
gone, my life gone, and my slipper gone? And furthermore
in addition to these evils, with singing the
night-watches, I am almost gone myself.
[Re-enter Socrates]
Soc. Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating?
Strep. I? Yea, by Neptune!
Soc. And what, pray, have you thought?
Strep. Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs.
Soc. You will perish most wretchedly.
Strep. But, my good friend, I have already perished.
Soc. You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up;
for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and a
means of cheating.
[Walks up and down while Strepsiades wraps himself up in
the blankets.]
Strep. Ah me! Would, pray, some one would throw over me
a swindling contrivance from the sheep-skins.
Soc. Come now; I will first see this fellow, what he is
about. Ho you! Are you asleep?
Strep. No, by Apollo, I am not!
Soc. Have you got anything?
Strep. No; by Jupiter, certainly not!
Soc. Nothing at all?
Strep. Nothing, except what I have in my right hand.
Soc. Will you not quickly cover yourself up and think of
something?
Strep. About what? For do you tell me this, O Socrates!
Soc. Do you, yourself, first find out and state what you
wish.
Strep. You have heard a thousand times what I wish.
About the interest; so that I may pay no one.
Soc. Come then, wrap yourself up, and having given your
mind play with subtilty, revolve your affairs by little
and little, rightly distinguishing and examining.
Strep. Ah me, unhappy man!
Soc. Keep quiet; and if you be puzzled in any one of
your conceptions, leave it and go; and then set your
mind in motion again, and lock it up.
Strep. (in great glee). O dearest little Socrates!
Soc. What, old man?
Strep. I have got a device for cheating them of the
interest.
Soc. Exhibit it.
Strep. Now tell me this, pray; if I were to purchase a
Thessalian witch, and draw down the moon by night, and
then shut it up, as if it were a mirror, in a round
crest-case, and then carefully keep it—
Soc. What good, pray, would this do you?
Strep. What? If the moon were to rise no longer
anywhere, I should not pay the interest.
Soc. Why so, pray?
Strep. Because the money is lent out by the month.
Soc. Capital! But I will again propose to you another
clever question. If a suit of five talents should be
entered against you, tell me how you would obliterate
it.
Strep. How? How? I do not know but I must seek.
Soc. Do not then always revolve your thoughts about
yourself; but slack away your mind into the air, like a
cock-chafer tied with a thread by the foot.
Strep. I have found a very clever method of getting rid
of my suit, so that you yourself would acknowledge it.
Soc. Of what description?
Strep. Have you ever seen this stone in the chemist's
shops, the beautiful and transparent one, from which
they kindle fire?
Soc. Do you mean the burning-glass?
Strep. I do. Come what would you say, pray, if I were to
take this, when the clerk was entering the suit, and
were to stand at a distance, in the direction of the
sun, thus, and melt out the letters of my suit?
Soc. Cleverly done, by the Graces!
Strep. Oh! How I am delighted, that a suit of five
talents has been cancelled!
Soc. Come now, quickly seize upon this.
Strep. What?
Soc. How, when engaged in a lawsuit, you could overturn
the suit, when you were about to be cast, because you
had no witnesses.
Strep. Most readily and easily.
Soc. Tell me, pray.
Strep. Well now, I'll tell you. If, while one suit was
still pending, before mine was called on, I were to run
away and hang myself.
Soc. You talk nonsense.
Strep. By the gods, would I! For no one will bring
action against me when I am dead.
Soc. You talk nonsense. Begone; I can't teach you any
longer.
Strep. Why so? Yea, by the gods, O Socrates!
Soc. You straightaway forget whatever you learn. For
what now was the first thing you were taught? Tell me.
Strep. Come, let me see: nay, what was the first? What
was the fist? Nay, what was the thing in which we knead
our flour? Ah me! What was it?
Soc. Will you not pack off to the devil, you most
forgetful and most stupid old man?
Strep. Ah me, what then, pray will become of me,
wretched man? For I shall be utterly undone, if I do not
learn to ply the tongue. Come, O ye Clouds, give me some
good advice.
Cho. We, old man, advise you, if you have a son grown
up, to send him to learn in your stead.
Strep. Well, I have a fine, handsome son, but he is not
willing to learn. What must I do?
Cho. But do you permit him?
Strep. Yes, for he is robust in body, and in good
health, and is come of the high-plumed dames of Coesyra.
I will go for him, and if he be not willing, I will
certainly drive him from my house.
[To Socrates.]
Go in and wait for me a short time.
[Exit]
Cho. Do you perceive that you are soon to obtain the
greatest benefits through us alone of the gods? For this
man is ready to do everything that you bid him. But you,
while the man is astounded and evidently elated, having
perceived it, will quickly fleece him to the best of
your power.
[Exit Socrates]
For matters of this sort are somehow accustomed to turn
the other way.
[Enter Strepsiades and Phidippides]
Strep. By Mist, you certainly shall not stay here any
longer! But go and gnaw the columns of Megacles.
Phid. My good sir, what is the matter with you, O
father? You are not in your senses, by Olympian Jupiter!
Strep. See, see, "Olympian Jupiter!" What folly! To
think of your believing in Jupiter, as old as you are!
Phid. Why, pray, did you laugh at this?
Strep. Reflecting that you are a child, and have
antiquated notions. Yet, however, approach, that you may
know more; and I will tell you a thing, by learning
which you will be a man. But see that you do not teach
this to any one.
Phid. Well, what is it?
Strep. You swore now by Jupiter.
Phid. I did.
Strep. Seest thou, then, how good a thing is learning?
There is no Jupiter, O Phidippides!
Phid. Who then?
Strep. Vortex reigns, having expelled Jupiter.
Phid. Bah! Why do you talk foolishly?
Strep. Be assured that it is so.
Phid. Who says this?
Strep. Socrates the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows
the footmarks of fleas.
Phid. Have you arrived at such a pitch of frenzy that
you believe madmen?
Strep. Speak words of good omen, and say nothing bad of
clever men and wise; of whom, through frugality, none
ever shaved or anointed himself, or went to a bath to
wash himself; while you squander my property in bathing,
as if I were already dead. But go as quickly as possible
and learn instead of me.
Phid. What good could any one learn from them?
Strep. What, really? Whatever wisdom there is among men.
And you will know yourself, how ignorant and stupid you
are. But wait for me here a short time.
[Runs off]
Phid. Ah me! What shall I do, my father being crazed?
Shall I bring him into court and convict him of lunacy,
or shall I give information of his madness to the
coffin-makers?
[Re-enter Strepsiades with a cock under one arm and a
hen under the other]
Strep. Come, let me see; what do you consider this to
be? Tell me.
Phid. Alectryon.
Strep. Right. And what this?
Phid. Alectryon.
Strep. Both the same? You are very ridiculous. Do not do
so, then, for the future; but call this alektryaina, and
this one alektor.
Phid. Alektryaina! Did you learn these clever things by
going in just now to the Titans?
Strep. And many others too; but whatever I learned on
each occasion I used to forget immediately, through
length of years.
Phid. Is it for this reason, pray, that you have also
lost your cloak?
Strep. I have not lost it; but have studied it away.
Phid. What have you made of your slippers, you foolish
man?
Strep. I have expended them, like Pericles, for needful
purposes. Come, move, let us go. And then if you obey
your father, go wrong if you like. I also know that I
formerly obeyed you, a lisping child of six years old,
and bought you a go-cart at the Diasia, with the first
obolus I received from the Heliaea.
Phid. You will assuredly some time at length be grieved
at this.
Strep. It is well done of you that you obeyed. Come
hither, come hither O Socrates! Come forth, for I bring
to you this son of mine, having persuaded him against
his will.
[Enter Socrates]
Soc. For he is still childish, and not used to the
baskets here.
Phid. You would yourself be used to them if you were
hanged.
Strep. A mischief take you! Do you abuse your teacher?
Soc. "Were hanged" quoth 'a! How sillily he pronounced
it, and with lips wide apart! How can this youth ever
learn an acquittal from a trial or a legal summons, or
persuasive refutation? And yet Hyperbolus learned this
at the cost of a talent.
Strep. Never mind; teach him. He is clever by nature.
Indeed, from his earliest years, when he was a little
fellow only so big, he was wont to form houses and carve
ships within-doors, and make little wagons of leather,
and make frogs out of pomegranate-rinds, you can't think
how cleverly. But see that he learns those two causes;
the better, whatever it may be; and the worse, which, by
maintaining what is unjust, overturns the better. If not
both, at any rate the unjust one by all means.
Soc. He shall learn it himself from the two causes in
person.
[Exit Socrates]
Strep. I will take my departure. Remember this now, that
he is to be able to reply to all just arguments.
[Exit Strepsiades and enter Just Cause and Unjust Cause]
Just Cause. Come hither! Show yourself to the
spectators, although being audacious.
Unjust Cause. Go whither you please; for I shall far
rather do for you, if I speak before a crowd.
Just. You destroy me? Who are you?
Unj. A cause.
Just. Ay, the worse.
Unj. But I conquer you, who say that you are better than
I.
Just. By doing what clever trick?
Unj. By discovering new contrivances.
Just. For these innovations flourish by the favour of
these silly persons.
Unj. No; but wise persons.
Just I will destroy you miserably.
Unj. Tell me, by doing what?
Just By speaking what is just.
Unj. But I will overturn them by contradicting them; for
I deny that justice even exists at all.
Just Do you deny that it exists?
Unj. For come, where is it?
Just With the gods.
Unj. How, then, if justice exists, has Jupiter not
perished, who bound his own father?
Just Bah! This profanity now is spreading! Give me a
basin.
Unj. You are a dotard and absurd.
Just You are debauched and shameless.
Unj. You have spoken roses of me.
Just And a dirty lickspittle.
Unj. You crown me with lilies.
Just And a parricide.
Unj. You don't know that you are sprinkling me with
gold.
Just Certainly not so formerly, but with lead.
Unj. But now this is an ornament to me.
Just You are very impudent.
Unj. And you are antiquated.
Just And through you, no one of our youths is willing to
go to school; and you will be found out some time or
other by the Athenians, what sort of doctrines you teach
the simple-minded.
Unj. You are shamefully squalid.
Just And you are prosperous. And yet formerly you were a
beggar saying that you were the Mysian Telephus, and
gnawing the maxims of Pandeletus out of your little
wallet.
Unj. Oh, the wisdom—
Just Oh, the madness—
Unj. Which you have mentioned.
Just And of your city, which supports you who ruin her
youths.
Unj. You shan't teach this youth, you old dotard.
Just Yes, if he is to be saved, and not merely to
practise loquacity.
Unj. (to Phidippides) Come hither, and leave him to
rave.
Just You shall howl, if you lay your hand on him.
Cho. Cease from contention and railing. But show to us,
you, what you used to teach the men of former times, and
you, the new system of education; in order that, having
heard you disputing, he may decide and go to the school
of one or the other.
Just. I am willing to do so.
Unj. I also am willing.
Cho. Come now, which of the two shall speak first?
Unj. I will give him the precedence; and then, from
these things which he adduces, I will shoot him dead
with new words and thoughts. And at last, if he mutter,
he shall be destroyed, being stung in his whole face and
his two eyes by my maxims, as if by bees.
Cho. Now the two, relying on very dexterous arguments
and thoughts, and sententious maxims, will show which of
them shall appear superior in argument. For now the
whole crisis of wisdom is here laid before them; about
which my friends have a very great contest. But do you,
who adorned our elders with many virtuous manners, utter
the voice in which you rejoice, and declare your nature.
Just. I will, therefore, describe the ancient system of
education, how it was ordered, when I flourished in the
advocacy of justice, and temperance was the fashion. In
the first place it was incumbent that no one should hear
the voice of a boy uttering a syllable; and next, that
those from the same quarter of the town should march in
good order through the streets to the school of the
harp-master, naked, and in a body, even if it were to
snow as thick as meal. Then again, their master would
teach them, not sitting cross-legged, to learn by rote a
song, either "pallada persepolin deinan" or "teleporon
ti boama" raising to a higher pitch the harmony which
our fathers transmitted to us. But if any of them were
to play the buffoon, or to turn any quavers, like these
difficult turns the present artists make after the
manner of Phrynis, he used to be thrashed, being beaten
with many blows, as banishing the Muses. And it behooved
the boys, while sitting in the school of the
Gymnastic-master, to cover the thigh, so that they might
exhibit nothing indecent to those outside; then again,
after rising from the ground, to sweep the sand
together, and to take care not to leave an impression of
the person for their lovers. And no boy used in those
days to anoint himself below the navel; so that their
bodies wore the appearance of blooming health. Nor used
he to go to his lover, having made up his voice in an
effeminate tone, prostituting himself with his eyes. Nor
used it to be allowed when one was dining to take the
head of the radish, or to snatch from their seniors dill
or parsley, or to eat fish, or to giggle, or to keep the
legs crossed.
Unj. Aye, antiquated and dipolia-like and full of
grasshoppers, and of Cecydes, and of the Buphonian
festival!
Just Yet certainly these are those principles by which
my system of education nurtured the men who fought at
Marathon. But you teach the men of the present day, so
that I am choked, when at the Panathenaia a fellow,
holding his shield before his person, neglects
Tritogenia, when they ought to dance. Wherefore, O
youth, choose with confidence, me, the better cause, and
you will learn to hate the Agora, and to refrain from
baths, and to be ashamed of what is disgraceful, and to
be enraged if any one jeer you, and to rise up from
seats before your seniors when they approach, and not to
behave ill toward your parents, and to do nothing else
that is base, because you are to form in your mind an
image of Modesty: and not to dart into the house of a
dancing-woman, lest, while gaping after these things,
being struck with an apple by a wanton, you should be
damaged in your reputation: and not to contradict your
father in anything; nor by calling him Iapetus, to
reproach him with the ills of age, by which you were
reared in your infancy.
Unj. If you shall believe him in this, O youth, by
Bacchus, you will be like the sons of Hippocrates, and
they will call you a booby.
Just. Yet certainly shall you spend your time in the
gymnastic schools, sleek and blooming; not chattering in
the market-place rude jests, like the youths of the
present day; nor dragged into court for a petty suit,
greedy, pettifogging, knavish; but you shall descend to
the Academy and run races beneath the sacred olives
along with some modest compeer, crowned with white
reeds, redolent of yew, and careless ease, of
leaf-shedding white poplar, rejoicing in the season of
spring, when the plane-tree whispers to the elm. If you
do these things which I say, and apply your mind to
these, you will ever have a stout chest, a clear
complexion, broad shoulders, a little tongue, large
hips, little lewdness. But if you practise what the
youths of the present day do, you will have in the first
place, a pallid complexion, small shoulders, a narrow
chest, a large tongue, little hips, great lewdness, a
long psephism; and this deceiver will persuade you to
consider everything that is base to be honourable, and
what is honourable to be base; and in addition to this,
he will fill you with the lewdness of Antimachus.
Cho. O thou that practisest most renowned high-towering
wisdom! How sweetly does a modest grace attend your
words! Happy, therefore, were they who lived in those
days, in the times of former men! In reply, then, to
these, O thou that hast a dainty-seeming Muse, it
behooveth thee to say something new; since the man has
gained renown. And it appears you have need of powerful
arguments against him, if you are to conquer the man and
not incur laughter.
Unj. And yet I was choking in my heart, and was longing
to confound all these with contrary maxims. For I have
been called among the deep thinkers the "worse cause" on
this very account, that I first contrived how to speak
against both law and justice; and this art is worth more
than ten thousand staters, that one should choose the
worse cause, and nevertheless be victorious. But mark
how I will confute the system of education on which he
relies, who says, in the first place, that he will not
permit you to be washed with warm water. And yet, on
what principle do you blame the warm baths?
Just. Because it is most vile, and makes a man cowardly.
Unj. Stop! For immediately I seize and hold you by the
waist without escape. Come, tell me, which of the sons
of Jupiter do you deem to have been the bravest in soul,
and to have undergone most labours?
Just. I consider no man superior to Hercules.
Unj. Where, pray, did you ever see cold Herculean baths?
And yet, who was more valiant than he?
Just. These are the very things which make the bath full
of youths always chattering all day long, but the
palaestras empty.
Unj. You next find fault with their living in the
market-place; but I commend it. For if it had been bad,
Homer would never have been for representing Nestor as
an orator; nor all the other wise men. I will return,
then, from thence to the tongue, which this fellow says
our youths ought not to exercise, while I maintain they
should. And again, he says they ought to be modest: two
very great evils. For tell me to whom you have ever seen
any good accrue through modesty and confute me by your
words.
Just. To many. Peleus, at any rate, received his sword
on account of it.
Unj. A sword? Marry, he got a pretty piece of luck, the
poor wretch! While Hyperbolus, he of the lamps, got more
than many talents by his villainy, but by Jupiter, no
sword!
Just. And Peleus married Thetis, too, through his
modesty.
Unj. And then she went off and left him; for he was not
lustful, nor an agreeable bedfellow to spend the night
with. Now a woman delights in being wantonly treated.
But you are an old dotard. For (to Phidippides)
consider, O youth, all that attaches to modesty, and of
how many pleasures you are about to be deprived—of
women, of games at cottabus, of dainties, of
drinking-bouts, of giggling. And yet, what is life worth
to you if you be deprived of these enjoyments? Well, I
will pass from thence to the necessities of our nature.
You have gone astray, you have fallen in love, you have
been guilty of some adultery, and then have been caught.
You are undone, for you are unable to speak. But if you
associate with me, indulge your inclination, dance,
laugh, and think nothing disgraceful. For if you should
happen to be detected as an adulterer, you will make
this reply to him, "that you have done him no injury":
and then refer him to Jupiter, how even he is overcome
by love and women. And yet, how could you, who are a
mortal, have greater power than a god?
Just. But what if he should suffer the radish through
obeying you, and be depillated with hot ashes? What
argument will he be able to state, to prove that he is
not a blackguard?
Unj. And if he be a blackguard, what harm will he
suffer?
Just. Nay, what could he ever suffer still greater than
this?
Unj. What then will you say if you be conquered by me in
this?
Just. I will be silent: what else can I do?
Unj. Come, now, tell me; from what class do the
advocates come?
Just. From the blackguards.
Unj. I believe you. What then? From what class do
tragedians come?
Just. From the blackguards.
Unj. You say well. But from what class do the public
orators come?
Just. From the blackguards.
Unj. Then have you perceived that you say nothing to the
purpose? And look which class among the audience is the
more numerous.
Just. Well now, I'm looking.
Unj. What, then, do you see?
Just. By the gods, the blackguards to be far more
numerous. This fellow, at any rate, I know; and him
yonder; and this fellow with the long hair.
Unj. What, then, will you say?
Just. We are conquered. Ye blackguards, by the gods,
receive my cloak, for I desert to you.
[Exeunt the Two Causes, and re-enter Socrates and
Strepsiades.]
Soc. What then? whether do you wish to take and lead
away this your son, or shall I teach him to speak?
Strep. Teach him, and chastise him: and remember that
you train him properly; on the one side able for petty
suits; but train his other jaw able for the more
important causes.
Soc. Make yourself easy; you shall receive him back a
clever sophist.
Strep. Nay, rather, pale and wretched.
[Exeunt Socrates, Strepsiades, and Phidippides.]
Cho. Go ye, then: but I think that you will repent of
these proceedings. We wish to speak about the judges,
what they will gain, if at all they justly assist this
Chorus. For in the first place, if you wish to plough up
your fields in spring, we will rain for you first; but
for the others afterward. And then we will protect the
fruits, and the vines, so that neither drought afflict
them, nor excessive wet weather. But if any mortal
dishonour us who are goddesses, let him consider what
evils he will suffer at our hands, obtaining neither
wine nor anything else from his farm. For when his
olives and vines sprout, they shall be cut down; with
such slings will we smite them. And if we see him making
brick, we will rain; and we will smash the tiles of his
roof with round hailstones. And if he himself, or any
one of his kindred or friends, at any time marry, we
will rain the whole night; so he will probably wish
rather to have been even in Egypt than to have judged
badly.
[Enter Strepsiades with a meal-sack on his shoulder.]
Strep. The fifth, the fourth, the third, after this the
second; and then, of all the days I most fear, and
dread, and abominate, immediately after this there is
the Old and New. For every one to whom I happen to be
indebted, swears, and says he will ruin and destroy me,
having made his deposits against me; though I only ask
what is moderate and just-"My good sir, one part don't
take just now; the other part put off I pray; and the
other part remit"; they say that thus they will never
get back their money, but abuse me, as I am unjust, and
say they will go to law with me. Now therefore let them
go to law, for it little concerns me, if Phidippides has
learned to speak well. I shall soon know by knocking at
the thinking-shop.
[Knocks at the door.]
Boy, I say! Boy, boy!
[Enter Socrates]
Soc. Good morning, Strepsiades.
Strep. The same to you. But first accept this present;
for one ought to compliment the teacher with a fee. And
tell me about my son, if he has learned that cause,
which you just now brought forward.
Soc. He has learned it.
Strep. Well done, O Fraud, all-powerful queen!
Soc. So that you can get clear off from whatever suit
you please.
Strep. Even if witnesses were present when I borrowed
the money?
Soc. Yea, much more! Even if a thousand be present.
Strep. Then I will shout with a very loud shout: Ho!
Weep, you petty-usurers, both you and your principals,
and your compound interests! For you can no longer do me
any harm, because such a son is being reared for me in
this house, shining with a double-edged tongue, for my
guardian, the preserver of my house, a mischief to my
enemies, ending the sadness of the great woes of his
father. Him do thou run and summon from within to me.
[Socrates goes into the house.]
O child! O son! Come forth from the house! Hear your
father!
[Re-enter Socrates leading in Phidippides]
Soc. Lo, here is the man!
Strep. O my dear, my dear!
Soc. Take your son and depart.
[Exit Socrates.]
Strep. Oh, oh, my child! Huzza! Huzza! How I am
delighted at the first sight of your complexion! Now,
indeed, you are, in the first place, negative and
disputatious to look at, and this fashion native to the
place plainly appears, the "what do you say?" and the
seeming to be injured when, I well know, you are
injuring and inflicting a wrong; and in your countenance
there is the Attic look. Now, therefore, see that you
save me, since you have also ruined me.
Phid. What, pray, do you fear?
Strep. The Old and New.
Phid. Why, is any day old and new?
Strep. Yes; on which they say that they will make their
deposits against me.
Phid. Then those that have made them will lose them; for
it is not possible that two days can be one day.
Strep. Can not it?
Phid. Certainly not; unless the same woman can be both
old and young at the same time.
Strep. And yet it is the law.
Phid. For they do not, I think, rightly understand what
the law means.
Strep. And what does it mean?
Phid. The ancient Solon was by nature the commons'
friend.
Strep. This surely is nothing whatever to the Old and
New.
Phid. He therefore made the summons for two days, for
the Old and New, that the deposits might be made on the
first of the month.
Strep. Why, pray, did he add the old day?
Phid. In order, my good sir, that the defendants, being
present a day before, might compromise the matter of
their own accord; but if not, that they might be worried
on the morning of the new moon.
Strep. Why, then, do the magistrates not receive the
deposits on the new moon, but on the Old and New?
Phid. They seem to me to do what the forestallers do: in
order that they may appreciate the deposits as soon as
possible, on this account they have the first pick by
one day.
Strep. (turning to the audience) Bravo! Ye wretches, why
do you sit senseless, the gain of us wise men, being
blocks, ciphers, mere sheep, jars heaped together,
wherefore I must sing an encomium upon myself and this
my son, on account of our good fortune. "O happy
Strepsiades! How wise you are yourself, and how
excellent is the son whom you are rearing!" My friends
and fellow-tribesmen will say of me, envying me, when
you prove victorious in arguing causes. But first I wish
to lead you in and entertain you.
[Exeunt Strepsiades and Phidippides.]
Pasias (entering with his summons-witness) Then, ought a
man to throw away any part of his own property? Never!
But it were better then at once to put away blushes,
rather than now to have trouble; since I am now dragging
you to be a witness, for the sake of my own money; and
further, in addition to this, I shall become an enemy to
my fellow-tribesman. But never, while I live, will I
disgrace my country, but will summon Strepsiades.
Strep. (from within) Who's there?
Pas. For the Old and New.
Strep. I call you to witness, that he has named it for
two days. For what matter do you summon me?
Pas. For the twelve minae, which you received when you
were buying the dapple-gray horse.
Strep. A horse? Do you not hear? I, whom you all know to
hate horsemanship!
Pas. And, by Jupiter! You swore by the gods too, that
you would repay it.
Strep. Ay, by Jove! For then my Phidippides did not yet
know the irrefragable argument.
Pas. And do you now intend, on this account, to deny the
debt?
Strep. Why, what good should I get else from his
instruction?
Pas. And will you be willing to deny these upon oath of
the gods?
Strep. What gods?
Pas. Jupiter, Mercury, and Neptune.
Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! And would pay down, too, a
three-obol piece besides to swear.
Pas. Then may you perish some day for your impudence!
Strep. This man would be the better for it if he were
cleansed by rubbing with salt.
Pas. Ah me, how you deride me!
Strep. He will contain six choae.
Pas. By great Jupiter and the gods, you certainly shall
not do this to me with impunity!
Strep. I like your gods amazingly; and Jupiter, sworn
by, is ridiculous to the knowing ones.
Pas. You will assuredly suffer punishment, some time or
other, for this. But answer and dismiss me, whether you
are going to repay me my money or not.
Strep. Keep quiet now, for I will presently answer you
distinctly.
[Runs into the house.]
Pas. (to his summons-witness). What do you think he will
do?
Witness. I think he will pay you.
[Re-enter Strepsiades with a kneading-trough]
Strep. Where is this man who asks me for his money? Tell
me what is this?
Pas. What is this? A kardopos.
Strep. And do you then ask me for your money, being such
an ignorant person? I would not pay, not even an obolus,
to any one who called the kardope kardopos.
Pas. Then won't you pay me?
Strep. Not, as far as I know. Will you not then pack off
as fast as possible from my door?
Pas. I will depart; and be assured of this, that I will
make deposit against you, or may I live no longer!
Strep. Then you will lose it besides, in addition to
your twelve minae. And yet I do not wish you to suffer
this, because you named the kardopos foolishly.
[Exeunt Pasias and Witness, and enter Amynias]
Amynias. Ah me! Ah me!
Strep. Ha! Whoever is this, who is lamenting? Surely it
was not one of Carcinus' deities that spoke.
Amyn. But why do you wish to know this, who I am?-A
miserable man.
Strep. Then follow your own path.
Amyn. O harsh fortune! O Fates, breaking the wheels of
my horses! O Pallas, how you have destroyed me!
Strep. What evil, pray, has Tlepolemus ever done you?
Amyn. Do not jeer me, my friend; but order your son to
pay me the money which he received; especially as I have
been unfortunate.
Strep. What money is this?
Amyn. That which he borrowed.
Strep. Then you were really unlucky, as I think.
Amyn. By the gods, I fell while driving my horses.
Strep. Why, pray, do you talk nonsense, as if you had
fallen from an ass?
Amyn. Do I talk nonsense if I wish to recover my money?
Strep. You can't be in your senses yourself.
Amyn. Why, pray?
Strep. You appear to me to have had your brains shaken
as it were.
Amyn. And you appear to me, by Hermes, to be going to be
summoned, if you will not pay me the money?
Strep. Tell me now, whether you think that Jupiter
always rains fresh rain on each occasion, or that the
sun draws from below the same water back again?
Amyn. I know not which; nor do I care.
Strep. How then is it just that you should recover your
money, if you know nothing of meteorological matters?
Amyn. Well, if you are in want, pay me the interest of
my money.
Strep. What sort of animal is this interest?
Amyn. Most assuredly the money is always becoming more
and more every month and every day as the time slips
away.
Strep. You say well. What then? Is it possible that you
consider the sea to be greater now than formerly?
Amyn. No, by Jupiter, but equal; for it is not fitting
that it should be greater.
Strep. And how then, you wretch does this become no way
greater, though the rivers flow into it, while you seek
to increase your money? Will you not take yourself off
from my house? Bring me the goad.
[Enter Servant with a goad.]
Amyn. I call you to witness these things.
Strep. (beating him). Go! Why do you delay? Won't you
march, Mr. Blood-horse?
Amyn. Is not this an insult, pray?
Strep. Will you move quickly?
[Pricks him behind with the goad.]
I'll lay on you, goading you behind, you outrigger? Do
you fly?
[Amynias runs off.]
I thought I should stir you, together with your wheels
and your two-horse chariots.
[Exit Strepsiades.]
Cho. What a thing it is to love evil courses! For this
old man, having loved them, wishes to withhold the money
that he borrowed. And he will certainly meet with
something today, which will perhaps cause this sophist
to suddenly receive some misfortune, in return for the
knaveries he has begun. For I think that he will
presently find what has been long boiling up, that his
son is skilful to speak opinions opposed to justice, so
as to overcome all with whomsoever he holds converse,
even if he advance most villainous doctrines; and
perhaps, perhaps his father will wish that he were even
speechless.
Strep. (running out of the house pursued by his son)
Hollo! Hollo! O neighbours, and kinsfolk, and
fellow-tribesmen, defend me, by all means, who am being
beaten! Ah me, unhappy man, for my head and jaw! Wretch!
Do you beat your father?
Phid. Yes, father.
Strep. You see him owning that he beats me.
Phid. Certainly.
Strep. O wretch, and parricide, and house-breaker!
Phid. Say the same things of me again, and more. Do you
know that I take pleasure in being much abused?
Strep. You blackguard!
Phid. Sprinkle me with roses in abundance.
Strep. Do you beat your father?
Phid. And will prove too, by Jupiter! that I beat you
with justice.
Strep. O thou most rascally! Why, how can it be just to
beat a father?
Phid. I will demonstrate it, and will overcome you in
argument.
Strep. Will you overcome me in this?
Phid. Yea, by much and easily. But choose which of the
two Causes you wish to speak.
Strep. Of what two Causes?
Phid. The better, or the worse?
Strep. Marry, I did get you taught to speak against
justice, by Jupiter, my friend, if you are going to
persuade me of this, that it is just and honourable for
a father to be beaten by his sons!
Phid. I think I shall certainly persuade you; so that,
when you have heard, not even you yourself will say
anything against it.
Strep. Well, now, I am willing to hear what you have to
say.
Cho. It is your business, old man, to consider in what
way you shall conquer the man; for if he were not
relying upon something, he would not be so licentious.
But he is emboldened by something; the boldness of the
man is evident. Now you ought to tell to the Chorus from
what the contention first arose. And this you must do by
all means.
Strep. Well, now, I will tell you from what we first
began to rail at one another. After we had feasted, as
you know, I first bade him take a lyre, and sing a song
of Simonides, "The Shearing of the Ram." But he
immediately said it was old-fashioned to play on the
lyre and sing while drinking, like a woman grinding
parched barley.
Phid. For ought you not then immediately to be beaten
and trampled on, bidding me sing, just as if you were
entertaining cicadae?
Strep. He expressed, however, such opinions then too
within, as he does now; and he asserted that Simonides
was a bad poet. I bore it at first, with difficulty
indeed, yet nevertheless I bore it. And then I bade him
at least take a myrtle-wreath and recite to me some
portion of Aeschylus; and then he immediately said,
"Shall I consider Aeschylus the first among the poets,
full of empty sound, unpolished, bombastic, using rugged
words?" And hereupon you can't think how my heart
panted. But, nevertheless, I restrained my passion, and
said, "At least recite some passage of the more modern
poets, of whatever kind these clever things be." And he
immediately sang a passage of Euripides, how a brother,
O averter of ill! Debauched his uterine sister. And I
bore it no longer, but immediately assailed him with
many abusive reproaches. And then, after that, as was
natural, we hurled word upon word. Then he springs upon
me; and then he was wounding me, and beating me, and
throttling me.
Phid. Were you not therefore justly beaten, who do not
praise Euripides, the wisest of poets?
Strep. He the wisest! Oh, what shall I call you? But I
shall be beaten again.
Phid. Yes, by Jupiter, with justice?
Strep. Why, how with justice? Who, O shameless fellow,
reared you, understanding all your wishes, when you
lisped what you meant? If you said bryn, I,
understanding it, used to give you to drink. And when
you asked for mamman, I used to come to you with bread.
And you used no sooner to say caccan, than I used to
take and carry you out of doors, and hold you before me.
But you now, throttling me who was bawling and crying
out because I wanted to ease myself, had not the heart
to carry me forth out of doors, you wretch; but I did it
there while I was being throttled.
Cho. I fancy the hearts of the youths are panting to
hear what he will say. For if, after having done such
things, he shall persuade him by speaking, I would not
take the hide of the old folks, even at the price of a
chick-pea. It is thy business, thou author and upheaver
of new words, to seek some means of persuasion, so that
you shall seem to speak justly.
Phid. How pleasant it is to be acquainted with new and
clever things, and to be able to despise the established
laws! For I, when I applied my mind to horsemanship
alone, used not to be able to utter three words before I
made a mistake; but now, since he himself has made me
cease from these pursuits, and I am acquainted with
subtle thoughts, and arguments, and speculations, I
think I shall demonstrate that it is just to chastise
one's father.
Strep. Ride, then, by Jupiter! Since it is better for me
to keep a team of four horses than to be killed with a
beating.
Phid. I will pass over to that part of my discourse
where you interrupted me; and first I will ask you this:
Did you beat me when I was a boy?
Strep. I did, through good-will and concern for you.
Phid. Pray tell me, is it not just that I also should be
well inclined toward you in the same way, and beat you,
since this is to be well inclined-to give a beating? For
why ought your body to be exempt from blows and mine
not? And yet I too was born free. The boys weep, and do
you not think it is right that a father should weep? You
will say that it is ordained by law that this should be
the lot of boys. But I would reply, that old men are
boys twice over, and that it is the more reasonable that
the old should weep than the young, inasmuch as it is
less just that they should err.
Strep. It is nowhere ordained by law that a father
should suffer this.
Phid. Was it not then a man like you and me, who first
proposed this law, and by speaking persuaded the
ancients? Why then is it less lawful for me also in turn
to propose henceforth a new law for the sons, that they
should beat their fathers in turn? But as many blows as
we received before the law was made, we remit: and we
concede to them our having been thrashed without return.
Observe the cocks and these other animals, how they
punish their fathers; and yet, in what do they differ
from us, except that they do not write decrees?
Strep. Why then, since you imitate the cocks in all
things, do you not both eat dung and sleep on a perch?
Phid. It is not the same thing, my friend; nor would it
appear so to Socrates.
Strep. Therefore do not beat me; otherwise you will one
day blame yourself.
Phid. Why, how?
Strep. Since I am justly entitled to chastise you; and
you to chastise your son, if you should have one.
Phid. But if I should not have one, I shall have wept
for nothing, and you will die laughing at me.
Strep. To me, indeed, O comrades, he seems to speak
justly; and I think we ought to concede to them what is
fitting. For it is proper that we should weep, if we do
not act justly.
Phid. Consider still another maxim.
Strep. No; for I shall perish if I do.
Phid. And yet perhaps you will not be vexed at suffering
what you now suffer.
Strep. How, pray? For inform me what good you will do me
by this.
Phid. I will beat my mother, just as I have you.
Strep. What do you say? What do you say? This other,
again, is a greater wickedness.
Phid. But what if, having the worst Cause, I shall
conquer you in arguing, proving that it is right to beat
one's mother?
Strep. Most assuredly, if you do this, nothing will
hinder you from casting yourself and your Worse Cause
into the pit along with Socrates. These evils have I
suffered through you, O Clouds! Having intrusted all my
affairs to you.
Cho. Nay, rather, you are yourself the cause of these
things, having turned yourself to wicked courses.
Strep. Why, pray, did you not tell me this, then, but
excited with hopes a rustic and aged man?
Cho. We always do this to him whom we perceive to be a
lover of wicked courses, until we precipitate him into
misfortune, so that he may learn to fear the gods.
Strep. Ah me! it is severe, O Clouds! But it is just;
for I ought not to have withheld the money which I
borrowed. Now, therefore, come with me, my dearest son,
that you may destroy the blackguard Chaerephon and
Socrates, who deceived you and me.
Phid. I will not injure my teachers.
Strep. Yes, yes, reverence Paternal Jove.
Phid. "Paternal Jove" quoth'a! How antiquated you are!
Why, is there any Jove?
Strep. There is.
Phid. There is not, no; for Vortex reigns having
expelled Jupiter.
Strep. He has not expelled him; but I fancied this, on
account of this Vortex here. Ah me, unhappy man! When I
even took you who are of earthenware for a god.
Phid. Here rave and babble to yourself.
[Exit Phidippides]
Strep. Ah me, what madness! How mad, then, I was when I
ejected the gods on account of Socrates! But O dear
Hermes, by no means be wroth with me, nor destroy me;
but pardon me, since I have gone crazy through prating.
And become my adviser, whether I shall bring an action
and prosecute them, or whatever you think. You advise me
rightly, not permitting me to get up a lawsuit, but as
soon as possible to set fire to the house of the prating
fellows. Come hither, come hither, Xanthias! Come forth
with a ladder and with a mattock and then mount upon the
thinking-shop and dig down the roof, if you love your
master, until you tumble the house upon them.
[Xanthias mounts upon the roof]
But let some one bring me a lighted torch and I'll make
some of them this day suffer punishment, even if they be
ever so much impostors.
1st Dis. (from within) Hollo! Hollo!
Strep. It is your business, O torch, to send forth
abundant flame.
[Mounts upon the roof]
1st Dis. What are you doing, fellow?
Strep. What am I doing? Why, what else, than chopping
logic with the beams of your house?
[Sets the house on fire]
2nd Dis. (from within) You will destroy us! You will
destroy us!
Strep. For I also wish this very thing; unless my
mattock deceive my hopes, or I should somehow fall first
and break my neck.
Soc. (from within). Hollo you! What are you doing, pray,
you fellow on the roof?
Strep. I am walking on air, and speculating about the
sun.
Soc. Ah me, unhappy! I shall be suffocated, wretched
man!
Chaer. And I, miserable man, shall be burnt to death!
Strep. For what has come into your heads that you acted
insolently toward the gods, and pried into the seat of
the moon? Chase, pelt, smite them, for many reasons, but
especially because you know that they offended against
the gods!
[The thinking shop is burned down]
Cho. Lead the way out; for we have sufficiently acted as
chorus for today.