A SOOTHING SONG FOR AUGUST.

OUR EXCHANGE AND MART.

Some more Holiday Inquiries.

NOVEL YACHTING EXPEDITION. UNIQUE CHANCE.—A Gentleman of marked nautical proclivities, who has lately, through the demise of a great-uncle, come into the possession of a Penny Steamer in a very fair condition of repair, is anxious to meet with one or two persons of similar tastes who would be disposed to start with him on a Summer Tour, for the purpose of leisurely navigating the vessel, in a tentative fashion, round the British Isles. As he would not take a Pilot with him, but proposes when in doubt either to ask his way from the nearest Coastguard by signal, or run in shore and get out and walk, he thinks the voyage would not be without excitement and variety, and would be likely to afford some novel seafaring experience to the naval amateur in search of pleasing adventure. The course, as at present mapped out, would be from Putney Bridge to Margate, Plymouth, Holyhead, Skye, Aberdeen, by the German Ocean past Hull, Yarmouth, Clacton-on-Sea, Southend, back again, finishing the journey at Battersea Reach, but it would probably be varied by wind and weather, the exigences of which would naturally have to be taken into account. The crew will consist of three experienced Channel stewards, a bargee, a retired pirate, and a cabin-boy, and will be under the command of the advertiser, who, though fresh to the work, has little doubt but that, with a friendly hint or two from his fellow-yachtsmen, he will be able to manage it. N.B.—Each Passenger provided with a Royal Humane Society's drag. For all further particulars apply to "Port-Admiral," 117, Rope Walk, Chelsea, S.W.

EXCEPTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL OPPORTUNITY. HAUNTED CASTLE TO LET.—A Baronet, in the North of England, who can himself stand residence in it no longer, is anxious to meet with a suitable Tenant for his Family Mansion likely to appreciate the mysterious horrors with which, owing to the crimes of his ancestors in times past, it is now nightly associated. The chief manifestation consists in the appearance, after midnight, in an oak-panelled bedroom, of a huge black wolf, accompanied by a little old man in a bag-wig and faded blue velvet coat, who, looking sadly at the occupant, and saying, in a mournful voice, "I've lost my return-ticket!" vanishes suddenly, together with his swarthy companion, into the linen-cupboard. As this apparition is frequently followed by the sound as of a man in a complete suit of armour falling head-over-heels down six flights of stairs, and ultimately, amidst prolonged and piercing shrieks, apparently lodging in the coal-cellar, a member of the Society for Promoting Psychical Research could not fail to find the whole experience a singularly pleasing one. Several people having already been frightened into fits through passing a night in the castle, a practical joker, who wished to have a little fun at the expense of an aged and invalid relative or two, could not do better than ask them down for a week, and let them take turns at sleeping in the bedroom in question. Address, "Baronet," Goblynhurst, Howlover.

TIGER-SHOOTING AT HOME. PRIME SPORT WITH BIG GAME.—A Country Clergyman, who, having taken charge of a Menagerie for an invalid friend, has had the misfortune to let nearly the whole of it escape and get loose in his parish, would be glad to have the assistance of several Sportsmen of wide Indian and African experience, who would be willing to join him in an effort either to kill, or, if possible, recapture it at the very earliest opportunity. Though the Advertiser has succeeded in temporarily securing three lions, a chimpanzee, a couple of hyænas, and a young hippopotamus in the Vicarage drawing-room, and has managed to envelope a boa-constrictor in a lawn-tennis net, yet, as five full-grown Bengal tigers, and about thirty other wild beasts of a miscellaneous character are at large in the village, and have, to his knowledge, already devoured the Postman, the Curate, a School Inspector, and both the horses of the Local Railway Omnibus, he feels that no time ought to be lost in replying to his appeal. One or two Experts, armed with Hotchkiss Guns, would be of use, and might write. Would be glad to hear from a Battery of Horse Artillery. Address, The Vicar, High Roaring, Notts.

AERIAL VOYAGE. ADVANTAGEOUS EXPERIMENT FOR THE SHORT-SIGHTED.—A Gentleman who has long been suffering from a chronic affection of the eyes, and has been recommended by his medical adviser to try the stimulating effect of mountain air, having conceived the idea of procuring it for himself by making an ascent in a second-hand and slightly damaged balloon that he has purchased for the purpose, will be glad to hear from one or two thoroughly skilled and experienced Aëronauts similarly afflicted, who would regard the beneficent results of being able to accompany him as an equivalent for the professional services they might render to the carrying out of the undertaking. As the Advertiser's idea is to start from some convenient Gas-Works in the Midland Counties, and keep a steady northward course by holding on, before the wind, with a line and grappling-hook to the system of telegraphic wires running alongside one of the great central railways, and as he proposes merely stopping occasionally en route to unroof the house of some local medical man when any of the party are in need of advice, he confidently anticipates that the trip will not be devoid of novel and exciting features that will invest it with a distinctively fresh and exhilarating character. For full and further particulars of the enterprise, which have been carefully thought out, apply, by letter, to "In Nubibus," Uppingham Lodge, Mount-Rising, Ayrshire.

THREE THOUSAND BLAZING ACRES TO LET.—A Scotch Laird, who has, by some accident in celebrating Her Majesty's Jubilee, managed to set fire to his entire property, the whole of which, after smouldering for a season, has since burst into a violent conflagration, which he can neither diminish nor control, would be willing to let it at a comparatively low rental to a London Sportsman sufficient novice in grouse-shooting not to be surprised at picking up his birds already roasted in the heather. As at the end of a day's trudging in the blinding heat of a Sahara through smoking covers, accompanied by a powerful steam fire-engine, he will probably discover that he has only succeeded in making a bag consisting of one singed "cheeper," the "shooting" is likely to prove more attractive to the amateur unfamiliar with the rifle, but accustomed to the tropical heat of a Central African Summer, than satisfactory to a professional marksman counting on dispatching from a breezy moorland fifty brace or so to his relatives and friends.—For terms, &c., apply to The Mac Salamander, Flaimhaugh, Glen Blayse, N.B.

By a Canterbury Belle.

(Song at the End of the great Cricket Week.)

FOREIGN (LANGUAGE) COMPETITION.

Care Editor,—Sentio obligatus scribere ad te propter extraordinariam novam departuram quam Gubernator recenter fecit. (Scribo Latinè, quia si ille legit hoc, non poterit intelligere! Prætendit intelligere Classica perfectè, sed habeo graves dubitationes de illo. Hoc est inter nos.)

Sunt nostri holidies nunc, ut tu sine dubio es awarus; et, alio mane, Pater subito nunciavit suam intentionem detrahere me de Etonis, et mittere me ad aliquem Tutorem in Germaniâ, "in ordinem ut discam modernas linguas, sic importantes (ille ait) in cursu vitæ nunc-dies."

Fui attonitus, ut tu potes imaginare. Nam Gubernator, ut totus mundus noscit, semper fuit laudator Classicorum. ("Omne ignotum pro magnifico," intelligis; habeo illum illic, nonne? Hoc quoque est inter nos.) In facto, pro momento ego fui "percussus omnis cumuli," ut dictum est. Habere linquere Etonas, tam jolliam scholam! Et ire ad istos Teutones, qui non possunt ludere vel cricketum vel footballum, et sunt generaliter horribiles muffi! Id est nimis malum pro verbis.

Vide explanationem paternæ inconsistentiæ! Forsitan vidisti, O Punche, quomodo aliqui journales pestilentes recenter abusi sunt Classicas linguas. Bene, Gubernator legit hos journales, et nunc odit Græcum et Latinum. Ego ipse odi Græcum, sed Germanum est multo pejus, si possibile. Ut pro Gallico, non est ita difficile, exceptâ pronunciatione, quæ est bestiissima res umquam inventa. Sed "malo mispronunciare ad Etonas, quam in Continenti rectè dicere," ut Cicero dicit.

Protestavi contra novam ideam Gubernatoris tantum quam audeo; sed habeo esse cautus, quia Gubernator non amat contradictionem. Fit cereus, si contradicitur. Argui tamen ut obliviscar omnia mea Classica in Germaniâ celerius quam potes dicere "Johannes Robinson;" nam unum caput non potest tenere Græcum, Latinum, Germanum, et Gallicum. Gubernator iracundè respondit ut "meum caput non potest tenere aliquam rem, ut videtur." Hoc est abominabilis libellus (inter nos iterum).

Tunc posui ante eum pericula duellorum. Juvenes Teutonici omnes ineunt pro duellis, ut habeo auditum. Pater (crudelis!) fecit extremè leve hujus periculi. "Si redeam sine naso, quid tum?" dixi. "Erit propria pœna," Gubernator sarcasticè respondit, "pro negligente Nasonem ad scholam." Ille, percipis, "ridet ad cicatrices, quia nunquam sensit vulnus." Laudat Caput-Magistros Marlburienses et Harrovienses et Winchesterenses pro expellendo Græcum de Intranti Examinatione pro illis scholis. Sperat ut "in nullo tempore ero bonus Germanus scholaris"; sed ego dubito. Dixi ad eum ut sola Germana verba que nosco sunt "Die Wacht am Rhein." Gubernator respondit ut meus Tutor donaret mihi "die whacks am Rhein" si negligo curriculum studiorum. Jocus est extremè pauper. Admiror si Tutor verè donabit id mihi calidum? O care Editor, nonne potes facere aliquam rem pro retinente me ad Etonas? Tuus disconsolatus,

Tommius.

SEA-DREAMS.

By John Bull à propos of the Naval Manœuvres.

"Bootiful."—The good people of Stafford have given Her Majesty as a Jubilee present a cabinet containing about two hundred pairs of boots and shoes. Evidently the stock is intended to last until Her Majesty reaches her next Jubilee, when, no doubt, the gift will be repeated!

Striking Effects.—For further particulars, apply to the Midland Railway Company.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

Monday Night, August 1.—Prince Louis of Battenberg had better be making inquiries as to return trains for Germany. W. Redmond "has had his attention called to him," and Pickersgill has his eye upon him. German Prince been appointed to command of Dreadnought over thirty British Officers who had precedence for promotion. W. Redmond elicited more general cheering than usually falls to his lot when he wanted to know what reason could be given for so extraordinary a mark of confidence? Georgy Hamilton explained that there was best possible reason. Prince Louis a heaven-born sea-Captain. No one like him among ordinary Britishers. Appointed to Dreadnought simply because he was best possible man. Then Pickersgill came to front. Couldn't object to First Lord's personal preference, but gave notice that if Prince Louis were confirmed in command of Dreadnought he would move that his salary be disallowed. More cheers. Idea of German Princeling holding office, however honourable, without drawing a salary struck Commons as comical. Subject seemed to drop here. But Commerell, having by this time had another question on other subject put and answered, collected his thoughts, rose and begged to say that "Prince Louis of Battenberg served under me, and a more efficient officer——" Here sentence came to abrupt conclusion. Angry cries of "Order!" stormed round gallant Admiral. Commerell a man of proved valour, as the Victoria Cross worn on his breast on Jubilee Day and other high festivities testifies. But his bronzed cheek blanched under this assault. He stared round a moment speechless, and resumed his seat.

House in Committee through long hours on Irish Land Bill. Dulness enlivened towards midnight by encounter between Chamberlain and Grandolph. Chamberlain began it; Grandolph by no means backward. Rebuked Chamberlain for "characteristic sneer," upon which Chamberlain smartly retorted. The interesting episode concluded by Hartington announcing his intention to vote against Chamberlain and with the Government. Harcourt much pleased.

"This is only the beginning," he said. "Grandolph and Chamberlain have evidently quarrelled. Hartington doesn't bind himself to go with Chamberlain; and altogether the Unionist Party seems a little disunited."

Business done.—Irish Land Bill in Committee.

Tuesday.—Questions over there was a pretty scene. John Dillon complained of allegation in provincial newspaper that he had applauded a statement that in a riot at Belfast several children and a young lady school-teacher, the daughter of Lord Sligo's Agent, were seriously hurt. Hadn't proceeded far with explanation when voice from neighbourhood of Treasury Bench called out, "It is true!"

"Who says it's true?" shouted John, flashing a baleful glance on Treasury Bench.

At first he thought the interrupter was Old Morality, but his air of perfect innocence repulsed suspicion. Was it De Worms, turning as, it is written, his family sometimes do? Edward Clarke looked more guilty, so John "named" him; denied the soft impeachment. Halsey admitted it, and was backed up by half-a-dozen Members, including Maclean. Bore personal testimony to having heard the applause when incident was mentioned.

"I say it is true!" they repeated one after the other.

"And I say it is false!" John Dillon roared, and proceeded to denounce Members opposite in language which speedily brought up the Speaker.

After a while Maclean again interposed. Demanded to be heard whilst he asserted in detail the general accuracy of the newspaper paragraph, whilst of course acquitting Dillon "if he said he did not join in applause." Parnellites, oddly enough, left all the fighting to John, who was finally put down by Speaker. After this pleasant interlude, House resumed Committee on Land Bill. Proceedings dolorous, and House empty. At one time sitting nearly brought to end by a Count.

Business done.—Irish Land Bill.

Thursday.—Enter Trevelyan; exit Edward Russell, the latter carrying with him the consciousness of that rare possession—popularity with both sides of the House. Everybody sorry he has gone, especially "the Dissentient Liberals." As Plunket says, "He was the gentlest-mannered Radical in the House." Crowded House. Trevelyan brings his sheaves (1401) with him, in shape of rattling majority won at Glasgow. Everybody there but Hartington and Chamberlain. Meeting in such circumstances with old colleague would have been too touching. But older colleagues, under wing of Gladstone, in full force. Determined to kill the fatted calf for the returning prodigal. Gladstone would, of course, play the part of Aged Parent; Trevelyan the repentant son. But who was to stand for the fatted calf? General impression that Harcourt best suited by natural gifts for the character. Harcourt's habitual modesty not to be overcome. "Wouldn't," he said, "like to play such a prominent part." Finally agreed that they should "imagine the calf." All went admirably well. Might have been managed by that veteran strategist the Sage of Queen Anne's Gate.

Childers and Cameron (both out of step with new Member) personally conducted him to Table. Enormous cheering, which Childers gently deprecated. "No, my good friends," he said. "This is very kind of you. But there's really no credit due to me. I bring our young friend up because I, too, am a Scotch Member. Perhaps my success at Edinburgh may have given fillip to Liberalism in the Lowlands. But pray don't mention it. Any little services I may have rendered are overpaid by this magnificent ovation."

More cheers when new Member was introduced to Speaker. Delighted to see him. Had often heard his name. Pleased with this opportunity of making his personal acquaintance. Should be sure to know him again if he met him. All this lively and entertaining. But great scene artistically conceived for end of play. Trevelyan, passing round back of Speaker's chair, proceeding in search of quiet seat, beheld strange spectacle on Front Opposition Bench. There was the Aged P. signalling from his tent. Signal taken up by retainers and carried down crowded bench. Only in the place of honour must the new Member sit. Never made so much fuss of before. Last time took oath and seat, no particular notice taken of double event. What had happened in meantime? Had he grown more eloquent; had he performed some conspicuous service; or had he increased in personal esteem of those who know him? The latter impossible. In the former no change. He had merely kicked over traces and was now come back to run in them. Thought of this with some bitterness. But reception well meant. There was the Aged P. violently beckoning with venerable forefinger, and the errant son made his way up to him, fell on his neck and kissed him——this of course in a Parliamentary sense.

Business done.—Army Estimates.

Friday.—House of Lords rent to its centre by deadly, blood-curdling, butter-melting controversy. Question is, shall it be Butterine or Margarine? The usually hostile camps streaked with enemies. A Noble Lord, who stands stoutly for Butterine, finds himself seated with another Peer, who swears by Margarine, and vice versâ. When division comes there is woful cross-voting. It is Basing who appropriately brings on subject, and Wemyss who moves that the compound be called Butterine, instead of Margarine. Everyone in high spirits, sustained by a free collation, served out at the door. This attraction rather militated against full success of debate. Noble Lords "asking for more," of course having to linger outside till they'd eaten it. Basing (long known to us as Sclater-Booth) revelled in his subject, and thanked the Markiss he was made a Peer in time to take part in discussion. Argyll brought his massive mind to bear on Butterine; Granville toyed with the subject; and Wemyss was more than usually emphatic. Bramwell had promised to speak for Butterine. Place empty when turn came.

"Where's Bramwell? He should be up next," said Wemyss.

"Ah," said Rosebery,

Messengers despatched to corridor and Bramwell brought in with his mouth full. A stirring debate, but Butterine was nowhere. Bramwell having demonstrated Margarine was "not the correct name for the substitute known as Butterine," their Lordships by large majority voted for Margarine.

Business done.—In Commons Land Bill again.

A NEW WERSION OF AN OLD SONG.

(By a thorough Port-soakian.)

Poetry of Parliament.—A debate in the House of Commons corresponding to the verse named Alexandrine—"Which, like a wounded snake, drags its slow length along."

Seasonable Field-Sport.—Leather-hunting.

☞NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

*** Transcriber's Note: "I" inserted into the beginning of the last line of the sixth stanza of "Glass Falling", page 66.***