Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, August 13, 1887
Author: Various
Editor: F. C. Burnand
Release date: May 7, 2008 [eBook #25361]
Most recently updated: January 3, 2021
Language: English
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25361
Credits: Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Matt Whittaker,
Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at https://www.pgdp.net
Surrey versus Notts. August 1st, 2nd, and 3rd 1887.
(By One of the Fifty Thousand.)
Enthusiastic Surreyite loquitur:—
Hooray! Oh, you must let me holloa. I'm one of the famed "Surrey Crowd,"
And a roar for a win such as this is, cannot be too long or too loud.
Won by four wickets! As good as though Walter had scored half a million,
Great Scott! what a rush from the ring! what a crowd round the crowded Pavilion!
Lohmann! Maurice Read!! Shuter!!! they shouted. Key!!! Key!!! Lohmann!!! Lohmann!!!
"Took down the number" of Notts, Sir, and she's a redoubtable foeman.
We haven't licked her for years, and she crowed, Sir, and not without reason;
And now, under Shuter, we've done it at last, Sir, and twice in one season!
After a terrible tussle; how oft was my heart in my mouth, Sir.
Luck now seemed to lean to the North, and anon would incline to the South, Sir.
Game wasn't won till 'twas lost. Hooray, though, for Surrey! 'Twas her win.
We missed our Wood at the wicket, Notts squared it by missing her Sherwin,
Both with smashed fingers! Rum luck! But then cricketing luck is a twister.
And Sherwin turned up second innings. Did you twig his face when he missed her,
That ball from J. Shuter, our Captain? It ranked pretty high among matches,
But Surrey did make some mistakes, Sir, and Notts——well, they couldn't hold catches.
Shuter shone up, did he not? Forty-four, fifty-three, and such cutting!
Hooray! Here's his jolly good health, and look sharp, for they're close upon shutting.
Partial be blowed! I'm a Surreyite down to my socks, that's a fact, Sir.
Must shout when my countymen score, and don't mind being caught in the act, Sir.
Cracks didn't somehow come off. Arthur Shrewsbury, Notts' great nonsuch,
Didn't make fifty all told, and our Walter—the world holds but one such—
A poor twenty-five and eighteen—a mere fleabite for W. W.
Still, he's our glory; and if you can spot such another, I'll trouble you.
Grace? Why, of course, in his day he was cock of the walk—that's a moral.
I won't say a word against him; but our Walter!—well, there, we won't quarrel.
I'm Surrey, you know, as I said. I remember Jupp, Humphry, and Stevenson,
Burly Ben Griffith, and Southerton! Well, if it ever was evens on
Match, it was surely on this one. Oh, yes, I gave points, six to five, Sir,
But then I have always backed Surrey, and will do so whilst I'm alive, Sir.
And t'other was Notts, don't you see, so I couldn't well show the white feather.
Ah! well, 'twas a wonderful match; such a crowd, such a game, and such weather!
K. J. K. (that's Mr. Key) showed remarkably promising cricket—
I did feel a little bit quisby when Sherwin snapped him at the wicket.
'Twas getting too close, Sir, for comfort; two hundred and five takes some making—
When Barnes nicked Read, Shuter, and Henderson, 'gad, there were lots of hearts quaking.
Seventy-eight for a win, Sir, and five of our best wickets levelled.
Notts then began to pick up, and I own I felt rather blue-devilled;
But Surrey has got a rare team, and you see, when the toppers do fail, Sir,
They look at it this way, my boy,—there is all the more chance for the "tail," Sir.
That's what I call true cricket pluck, and so, even when Maurice Read quitted him,
That's what young Lohmann perceived; the place wanted cool grit—and it fitted him.
His thirty-five, and not out, was worth more, Sir, than many a "Century."
Played like an iceberg, he did; style neither too tame nor too venture-y.
Poor crippled Wood backed him bravely, and he made the winning hit, he did.
Won by four wickets! Hooray! Gallant Surrey at last has succeeded
In knocking the dust out of Notts. I've hoorayed till my tongue feels quite furry.
Yes, I like the best side to win,—but I'm thundering glad, though, it's Surrey!!!
"Over the Water With Lawson" (Change of Name).—Jack Tar to be known in future as Tom Fool.
House of Commons for August.
Disorders of the Day.
Legalised Duels (England) Bill—Report.
Shillelagh (Irish) Supply Bill—Second Reading.
Ways and Means (Assaults)—Committee.
Speaker's Wig Destruction Bill—As amended to be considered.
Questions.
Mr. Dillon.—Whether Her Majesty's Government contemplate allowing Mr. De Lisle to smile, and if so, whether any precautions will be taken to prevent his receiving a thrashing.
Dr. Tanner.—To ask the Chief Secretary of the Lord-Lieutenant whether he has any objection to tread upon the tail of his coat.
Colonel Saunderson.—To ask the First Lord of the Treasury as to the condition of the eyes and noses of certain Members of the Nationalist Party.
Notice of Motion.
Mr. T. Healy.—Physical Force, House of Commons (England)—Bill to facilitate the establishment of a Bear Garden in St. Stephen's.
In wrath redundant Swinburne turns and rends
The "good grey" bard. Alack for Swinburne's "friends"!
He worshipped once at thy red shine, Revolt,
Now thou'rt a mark for his Olympian bolt;
But when he rounds on poor barbaric Walt,
One can but gasp, and wonder where he'll halt.
Coupled with Byron in one furious "slate"?
O poor Manhattan mouther, what a fate!
Algernon's blunderbuss is double-barrelled;
Down at one shot go "Drum Taps" and "Childe Harold."
Just fancy being levelled down to—Byron!
Alas! what woes the poet's path environ.
What next, and next? Byron called Southey "gander."
But then the lordly rhymester railed at Landor,
One of the Swinburne fetishes, enough
To prove that all he wrote was soulless stuff—
But stop! Who knows that Swinburne, on the ravage,
May not, next time, pitch into Walter Savage?
The idols he once worshipped now he'd burn,
So e'en Mazzini yet may have his turn—
Nay, since the hour for palinodes has struck,
At Hugomania he may run amuck;
And, Victor being laid upon the shelf,
There'll be but one to round upon—himself.
A very interesting article appears in the current number of the Fortnightly Magazine, in which the favourite "quotations" of many celebrated persons are introduced with much effect. Always ready to take a hint, Mr. Punch has asked everyone he knows to furnish him with his predilections. The following is the result:—
Mr. Briefless, Junior, of Pump-handle Court writes, "I have carefully considered the circular you have forwarded to me, and am distinctly of opinion that my favourite reading is, 'With you the Attorney-General.'"
"Robert" says that his favourite phrase is, "'Ere's 'alf a sovereign for yourself, but you deserves more!"
"'Arry" says he can't think of anything more "fust class" than, "The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill."
And (more or less) the whole world declares that there is no pleasanter announcement than "Punch, or the London Charivari, is published every Wednesday."
It cannot be in the interests of peace that we turn our swords into—corkscrews, and our bayonets into—button-hooks. That extremely secular reading of a sacred passage, appears to be the accepted one, however, in Ordnance Departments, and other places where they play the fool.
German Belle. "Ach! you are font of Yachting! Zen I zuppose you are a goot Salesman?"
I've been to the Abbey, the Naval Review,
The Maske at Gray's Inn and the Institute too;
In fact I feel just like the Wandering Jew,
Or other historical rover:
I've turned day into night and the night into day,
In a regular rollicking Jubilee way,
And now I can truly and thankfully say,
I'm uncommonly glad that it's over.
I've been to a number of Jubilee balls,
And I'm really worn out by the parties and calls;
I've fed in the City 'neath shade of St. Paul's,
And ate little fish by the river:
I've been to big picnics both up and down stream,
I've wallowed in strawberries smothered in cream,
Which, following lobster, most doctors would deem
Was remarkably bad for the liver.
I've read all the Jubilee articles, loads
Of Jubilee leaders and Jubilee odes,
And seen how each poet his Pegasus goads,
Though gaining but slight inspiration;
A chaos of Jubilee Numbers I've seen,
And Jubilee pictures and lives of the Queen,
And the Jubilee coinage that's greeted, I ween,
With anything but jubilation.
But, now all is over, sincerely I trust
The Nation no longer will kick up a dust,
The Jubilee really has done for me just
As "Commodious" scared Mr. Boffin:
Any more jubilation would finish me quite,
As it is I've a horrible dream every night
That a Jubilee demon is screwing me tight
Down into a Jubilee coffin!
The Correct Card.
Mr. Goldwin Smith says:—"The one thing certain about Tory-Democracy, besides its origin, is, that it is the card of a political gamester." It may perhaps help the ponderous Professor, in a future philippic, to know, in addition, that the associations of Tory-Democracy at once suggest "Clubs," and the game it is playing, the "deuce."
Air—"Ballyhooly."
There's a dashing sort of bhoy who was once his country's joy,
But his ructions and his rows no longer charm me,
He often takes command in a fury-spouting band
Called the "Ballyhooly" Parliamentary Army.
At Donnybrook's famed fair he might shine with radiance rare,
A "Pathriot" he's called, and may be truly,
It is catching, I'm afraid, for when he is on parade
There seems scarce a sober man in "Ballyhooly."
Chorus.
Whililoo, hi ho! Faith they all enlist, ye know,
Though their ructions and their shindies fail to charm me,
Bad language, howls, and hate put an end to fair debate
In the "Ballyhooly" Parliamentary Army.
The Spayker, honest soul, finds they're quite beyond control,
Discussion takes a most extinded radius,
It's about as fine and clear as the stalest ginger-beer,
But the "bhoys," they never seem to find it "tadyious."
And what is worse, to-day all the Army march one way,
That is in being ructious and unruly,
If a Mimber in debate wants to argue fair and straight,
Faith they howl him out of court in "Ballyhooly."
Chorus—Whililoo, hi, ho, &c.
They're supposed to hould debate in the interests of the State,
Which one and all they do their best to injure;
I have said their talk's as clear as the stalest ginger-beer,
And they mix the vilest vitriol with the ginger.
The bhoys are not alone, for in sorrow one must own
The young Tories are as noisy and unruly,
And the Rads they rave and rail till one longs to lodge in gaol
The intemperate brigade of "Ballyhooly."
Chorus—Whililoo, hi, ho, &c.
There's a moral to my song, and it won't detain yez long,
Of Party spirit e'en the merest "nip" shun.
It's poison, that is clear, Ballyhooly "ginger-beer,"
As ye'll own when I have given the prescription.
You take heaps of Party "rot," spirit mean, and temper hot,
Lies, blasphemy, and insult; mix them duly;
For sugar put in salt, bitter gall for honest malt,
Faith, they call it "Statesmanship" in "Ballyhooly."
Chorus—Whililoo, hi, ho, &c.
Encore Verse.
Since you're kind enough to crave just another little stave,
I'll explain the furious ferment that now leavens
A tipple once so sound is just Party spite all round,
And of course my Ballyhooly is St. Stephen's.
'Twill be very long before you will wish to cry "Encore!"
To the row that makes our Parliament unruly;
For good sense would put a stop on the flow of Party "Pop"
That makes a Donnybrook of "Ballyhooly."
Chorus.
Whililoo, hi, ho! 'Tis a huge mistake, ye know,
To let ructions and recriminations charm ye.
If they don't abate their hate, they'll bring ruin on the State,
Will the Ballyhooly Parliamentary Army.
The zeal of the Actor who blacked himself all over to play Othello, is at last outdone—by Mr. Gladstone, who, it is stated, is learning the Welsh language, under the tuition of Mr. Richard, M.P., in order to deliver his speech at the forthcoming Eisteddfod in Taffy's own tongue. "Not for Cadwallader and all his goats," as Pistol says, would an ordinary politician go through such an ordeal for such an end. "Gallant Little Wales" will, however, no doubt be duly grateful, and, by lending its support to her adroit flatterer, enable him to say, with Gower, to the opponents of Home-Rule, "Henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a good English condition."
MM. Boxe et Coxe.
M. le Général Boxe. "Savez-vous vous Battre?"
M. Coxe (homme d'état). "Non!"
M. le Général Boxe. "Eh bien, alors! Allons-y-donc!"
(Translation.—"Can you fight?" "No!" "Then come on!")
(What might have happened.)
Monday.—The Fleets started on their manœuvres. Before leaving, the Ironclads ran down, accidentally, all the unarmoured vessels in the harbour.
Tuesday.—Collision. Sinking of the Ajax.
Wednesday.—Mistake in steering. Foundering of the Minotaur.
Thursday.—Error in seamanship. Loss of the Neptune.
Friday.—Misapprehension of signal. Ramming of the Devastation.
Saturday.—Something wrong somewhere. The remainder of the Fleet goes to the bottom.
It is a charming characteristic of the Young Amateur Entertainer that—whether he possesses or not the smallest acquaintance with any language beyond his own—he is always prepared to impersonate a foreigner of any given nationality at a moment's notice; and Mr. Punch is confident that the most backward of his Pupils will be perfectly at home (and how his audience will envy him!) with the following Anglo-German recitation, which may be given under the following title:—
Professor Bompp Relates a Little Anecdote.
(To do this effectively, you must assume an air of childlike candour.)
I deach my dong in Engeland for dventy years and more;
And vonce I dvell at Vigmore Shtreet, ubon ze zegond floor—
(Pull yourself up suddenly.)
Bot dat has nodings hier to zay—zo, blease, (professorial air for this) you vill addend!
I gom to dell you gurious dings vat habbened mit a vriend.
He vas a hanzom-headed man, zo like me as a pea,
And eferyveres I valk about he gom along mit me;
Bot all ze efenings, beaceful-quiet, he shtay in-doors and shmoke.
And choggle at himzelf at dimes in hatching out a yoke;
Ontill von day his choggling stobbed—he'd tombled deep in lôf,
And he bassed ze dime vith gissing at a leedle vemale glôf!
Ubon two shpargling eyes he dink, von deligate cock-nose—
Dill zoon his dinkings vork him op mit gourage to bropose.
Zen, ach! zat nose vas dilted more, and gruel vorts she shpoke:
"I vill not dwine aroundt no heart vat shmells zo shtrong mit shmoke!
Vor you yourzelf I might, vith dime, bersuade myzelf to gare—
Bot nevare mit no ogly bipes vill I avection share!"
(Pause, and glance round your audience with a slightly pained air.)
I dink I hear zom laty make a symbathetic shniff—
You Englisch shendlevomens dreats a shmoker var too shtiff!
For look—meinzelf I shmoke a bipe, mit baintings on ze bowl,
I shtoffs him vith dat sheepstabak vat's dwisted in a roll,
I gif my vort it ton't daste pad—zough yust a leedle veak—
Shtill, ven I schmokes inzide a drain,—I vinds zom laties seeck!
(Amiable surprise, as you mention this instance of insular intolerance.)
Bot, zere, you makes me chadderbox, and dakes op all my dime!
I vant to dell you how mein vriend behafed himself sooblime:
"If you vill pe mein Braut," he zaid, "tobaggo I'll renounce,
And shvear to nefer puy no more von solidary ounce!"
Zo she gif him out her lily hand, and shmile on him zo shveet:
"Vith sodge a sagrifice," she zaid, "you brove your lôf indeet!
And I dakes you—on your zolem vort mit shmoking to ged rid,
Pe off and purn your bipes and dings!" vich—boor yong man, he—did!
Dree sblendid bipes he sacrificed, in china, glay, and vood,
He vatched zem craggle in ze vlames—I vonder how he could!
And mit zem vent his brime zigars of pest Havana prandt,
Imborted hier vrom Hampurg, in his own dear Vaderlandt!
[With sentiment.
Henzefort he lif a shmokeless life, vor vear to lose his bride,
And nefer vonce gomblained to her of soferings inzide!
Bot—zough she gif him zentiment and rabdures ven zey met—
Zomdimes he vish she vouldn't mind von leedle zigarette! [Pause.
Now game along ze night pefore his veddings was to pe—
And he dried to galm his jomping soul mit bonderings and tea—
Ven, zoddenly—he hear a zound, as eef zom barty knock,
And it gom vrom his tobaggo-jar, long embdy of its shtock!
"Gom in! I mean—gom out!" he cried (he was a viddy chap!)
[Here you should be convulsed with inward laughter.
"For nonn of your nockdurnal knocks I do not gare von rap!"
Bot—vile he yoked—ze lid fly off, and sblash into his cop,
[Business here.
And a kind of leedle voman's form inzide the jar sbring op!
Her face vas yust the golour of a meerschaum nod quide new,
And her hair vas all in ribbling vaves—like long-cut honnydew!
In golden silber she vas roped, all shpangled o'er mit shtars,
For it zeemed as eef she dress herzelf mit baper round zigars,
And like an eel his bagbone squirmed, his hair god up erect,
For beoples in tobaggo-jars is tings you ton't exbect!
"Bervidious von!" she shpeak at him, zo broud as any queen,
"Pehold your homage-objects vonce—ze goddess Nigodeen!
I galls to know ze reason vy you leafs my aldars cold,
And nefer purns me incense like your bractice vas of old?"
"To bay you more resbects, I must," he plurted out, "degline,
For I'm vorshibing at bresent mit an obbosition shrine."
"And zo you makes yourzelf," she gries, "a dankless renegade
To von who, oftendimes invoked, yet nefer vailed her aid
To charm avay your lonely dimes, and soffogate your care!
If dat's your leedle games, mein vriend, dake my advice—bevare!"
"I'd gladly zend mein zoul inzide a himmeldinted gloud,
Bot as a Penedick," he zaid, "I vill not pe allowed!
I dells you vrank"—(I haf exblained he vas a vonny vellow!)—
"Mitout mein bipe, ze honnymoon shall nod daste quide so mellow!"
"Enoff!" she said, "you vatch your eye, and zee vat vill bekom!"
She bopped inzide ... he search ze jar—'twas embdy as a drom!
And zen he vipe his sbecdagles, and shtare, and rob his head,
(Business.) And dink he'd grown too vanziful, and pedder go to bed.
[Impressive pause, and continue in lowered voice.
Vell, next day, on ze afdernoon, his honnymoon pegan——
And Dandalus vas nodings to zat boor dormented man!
For ven he dry to giss his vife ubon her lips zo ripe—
Petween his own brojected fort a pig soobyectif bipe!
And efer more, in sbite of all ze dender vorts he zay,
Ze sbegtral image of a bipe kept gedding in his vay!
Ondill ubon ze burple sky shone out ze efening shtar—
And zen ze bipe dransform himzelf, and change to a zigar!
Bot, vorst of all, his vife vould veel no bity for his fate!
She dink it all a hombogsdrick—and zoon zey sebarate;
And benidently he redurned, and zaid to Nigodeen:
"Forgif, and nefer more I'll pe ze vool I vonce haf peen!
I lôfed my vife—but now I vind I gares for you ze most—
And I'm dired of shmoking dings vat is no pedder as a ghost!"
Zo Nigodeen she dakes him back, begause his vife vas gone,
And now ze bipe he shmokes is nod an immaderial von!
You vonder how I goms to know?—Brebare yourzelves to jomp!—
(Sensationally.) I vas zat yong boor man meinzelf—der Herr Brofessor Bompp!
Question. I understand that you are leaving Town. Why?
Answer. Because it is the fashion.
Q. Have you any plans?
A. I am a little undecided. At first I thought of going to an English watering-place, but abandoned the idea because the papers said I should be sure to be laid up with typhoid fever, German measles, or something equally pleasant.
Q. Had it not been for this dread, should you have gone?
A. I suppose so. We are acclimatised to the discomforts of seaside lodgings, the discords of second-rate German bands, and the disillusions of country views.
Q. For the sake of argument, abandoning the English watering-place—where shall you go?
A. My wife says Paris—and means it.
Q. Do you object yourself to the gay capital?
A. Well—just now—yes; chiefly because it is not gay.
Q. I suppose you would prefer the principal theatres to be open?
A. If I could attend them without being sure that I should find the "hot room" of a Turkish bath considerably cooler. Not that there would not be a risk of being grilled to death on the Boulevards and bored out of my life by running across hundreds of personally-conducted tourists.
Q. Then why should you go?
A. Because my wife wishes to see the bonnets.
Q. Could she see them nowhere else?
A. Not to her satisfaction, although I believe she could find their counterparts in Tottenham Court Road and the Westbourne Grove.
Q. After Paris where shall you go?
A. Either to Switzerland, Italy, or Holland.
Q. Do you expect much amusement?
A. Not much, because I know them by heart. Still I know the best hotels, or rather the best table d'hôtes.
Q. Is that all you care for?
A. Nearly all. However it is a languid satisfaction to compare St. Peter's with St. Paul's to the disadvantage of the former, and to think there is nothing in Switzerland to equal the Trossachs, Loch Maree and the Cumberland Lakes.
Q. But the Art treasures?
A. May be found en bloc at the South Kensington Museum.
Q. Then you travel in rather a gloomy mood.
A. Rather. Still I am buoyed up with a delightful prospect in the future.
Q. A delightful prospect! What prospect?
A. The prospect of returning home!
Scarcely "Butter."—To change the nickname of Madge to Margarine.
Some little while since a book was published for the exclusive benefit of the fair sex, which purported to teach men's mothers, sisters, cousins, and aunts, the advantages bestowed upon them by the Married Women's Property Act, and other statutes of a like character. No doubt the volume was an excellent guide to females fond of litigation; but still there are many who prefer, in spite of everything, to retain their own fixed opinion on the subject of law. For that feminine majority the following congenial hints are published:—
If a woman makes a will, she can never revoke it, and is likely to die soon afterwards, as it is not only unnecessary, but unlucky.
A marriage without bridesmaids is nearly illegal. This applies, in a lesser degree, to marriages where children, dressed in Charles the First costumes, are not employed to hold up the bride's train.
A mortgage is a sort of thing that causes a house to become the possession of a dishonest Agent, who is usually a Solicitor.
The best way of settling a County Court summons, brought in the absence of the master of the house, is to ask the man into the dining-room, and tell him about the accomplishments of the children. This will soften his heart, and get him to prevent the Judge from sending everyone to prison.
A nice Solicitor never contradicts a Lady, and therefore knows the law infinitely better than the disagreeable fogies, who are so obstinate. And, lastly, the best way to learn the real provisions of the law, is to study a modern novel by a lady Authoress.
"Salubrities at Home" (pace Mr. Atlas, who will recognise this temporary adaptation of his world-renowned title) I should say are Buxton (for most people), Bath (for some), Harrogate (for others), and,—besides a variety of North, South, East and West, too numerous to be mentioned in these notes,—Ramsgate for nearly all.
"Salubrities Abroad" are Homburg, Aix-les-Bains, Carlsbad, &c., &c., and Royat, where I find myself again this year. "Scenes of my bath-hood, once more I behold ye!" There is "A Salubrity at Royat," which people of certain tendencies cannot easily find elsewhere. It is a cure for eminent persons of strong Conservative tendencies. Lord Salisbury was here last year, and my friend Monsieur Ondit, who is in everybody's confidence, tells me that his Lordship will revisit a place where the traitement did him so much good. I believe he underwent the "Cherry-cure," at all events his Lordship was seen in public constantly eating them out of a paper-bag. What did he do with the bag? My answer is, "he popped it." Down went the cherries, and bang went the bag and fifty centimes. Well, did not Royat effect some change in his conservatism? What has been the result? But I am not here to talk politics.
Everybody is talking of the Boulanger-Ferry incident. This is Aug. 4, and nothing has happened.
"Il n'y a pas de danger,"
Dit Général Boulanger;
"Tout va, je crois, s'arranger,
Chez Ferry, mes amis."
I haven't time to proceed with this, but, so far, the idea is at any poet's disposition to continue as he pleases, my only stipulation being that the air to which it is to be sung shall be "Marlbrook."
My other friend, Benjamin Trovato, of Italian extraction, tells me that Boulanger is half English, and had an English education. Ben informs me that the General has never forgotten the rhythms he learnt in his happy English nursery; and that, when he read that M. Ferry had called him a "St. Arnaud de Café-Concert," he sang out, recollecting the old catch,—
A Note, a Note!
Haste to the Ferry!
in which his friends were unable to join, owing to their ignorance of the words and tune.
When driving through Clermont-Ferrand from the Station up to Royat, we (three of us) had a small omnibus to ourselves. One of the party (a wag, of whom, and of the circumstances of our meeting, more "in my next") insisted on our calling out, "Vive Boulanger!" We did this several times in the most crowded parts, but the cry obtained no response, and aroused no excitement, as, being uttered with the greatest caution (at my instance), nobody heard it.
But what a thing to fight about! If duelling were an English fashion, how fruitful of "incidents" this Session would have been. How often would Mr. Tim Healy have been "out"? And Mr. De Lisle's life would have hung upon a Lisle thread!
Note for strangers about to visit Royat.—The Continental Hotel has lost a little territory, as half of what was its terrace has been returned to the present proprietor of the hotel next door, with whom we Continentals have no connection, not even "on business," it not being "the same concern" and under one management as it was last year. But what the Continental Hotel has sacrificed in domain, Monsieur Hall, our obliging landlord, has more than made up in comfort and cooking. Dr. Brandt sees his patients in a charming Villa of Flowers. The weather is lovely.
We are all surprised at seeing one another here. Each person (or each couple or party) seems to think that he alone (or they alone) possess the secret of Royat's existence. We certainly are not a mutual admiration society at Royat. When we come upon one another suddenly, each exclaims, "Hallo! what are you here for?" is if the other were a convict "doing his time." Everyone thinks he knows what he is here for, but very few tell what he thinks he knows. And, by the way, the best-informed among us doesn't know very much about it.
In the Reading-room of the Cercle there ought to be (as advertised in a local journal) at least three English newspapers daily. I have not seen them as yet. The only London paper arriving here regularly, and to be purchased every day early at the Newsvendor's, is the Morning Post. Vive Sir Algernon! Can this be the attraction for Lord Salisbury? Why come out so far afield to read the Morning Post? Or wasn't it here, during Lord Salisbury's visit last year, and is he still ignorant of its having been subsequently demanded and supplied this season? And when he comes and finds it—"O what a surprise!"—no, thank goodness, we have escaped from this song—for a time, at least.
Too hot to write any more journal. The hundredth bell is sounding for the fiftieth déjeuner. My déjeuner is finished. There are bells here perpetually. All day and all night. In vain would Mr. Irving as Mathias, put his hands to his ears and close the windows. The bells! The bells! Distant bells, near bells, sheep-bells, goat-bells, a man with pipe (not tobacco but tune, or what he and the goats consider a tune), dinner-bells, guests'-bells, servants'-bells, church-bells (not much), chapel-bells (early and occasionally), horse-bells, donkey-bells, breakfast-bells, supper-bells, arrival-bells, departure-bells, tramway bells, crier's-bells, with variations on drum or trumpet, and several other bells that I shall notice in the course of the twenty-four hours, but have forgotten just now.
The "petits chevaux" have not been stopped by the Government; they are running as fast as ever. There are two bands, playing morning, afternoon, and evening. The Casino Samie is as lively as ever, or, as my waggish acquaintance at once expressed it, in that vein of humour for which he is so specially distinguished, "The Samie old game," and to sit out in the garden, with a fragrant cigar and coffee, before retiring for the night, is indeed a calm pleasure, or would be but for the aforesaid waggishness, of which more anon.
Soldiers about everywhere, Boulangering. Up in the hills is a splendid echo. This morning, having caught the very slightest cold, I went up into the mountains to get it blown away. Suddenly I sneezed. Such a sneeze! It reverberated all over the mountain like the firing of a battery. Again! again! These sneezes nearly shook me off the rock, and sent me staggering on to the plateau below. The effect must have been alarming, as the third sneeze fetched out the military, horse and foot, at full gallop, and the double. L'ennemi? C'était moi! They scoured the mountain sides, but I did not sneeze again. I have a sort of idea that my sneeze upset the entire preconcerted arrangements for a review. The Boulangerers retired—so did I.
'Tis the hour of douche. Richard, the attendant, will be there to give it me. Douche-ment, douche-ment. Gently does it! O Richard, O Mon Roy-at!... Au revoir!
Mrs. R. went to see the première of a new piece about which there had been considerable excitement in the theatrical world. "It was quite a novelty for me," said the good lady to a friend; "every literal person was there of any imminence, and my nephew, who is connected with papers himself, told me that the stalls were full of crickets. He pointed them all out to me. Most interesting."
Miss Ponsonby de Tomkyns (just out). "Oh, Papa! such an exquisite Concert it was at Lady Midas's! The Duchess was there, and the Mowbray-Mashams, and Lord and Lady Wrottenham, and Count Edelweiss, and Captain de Courcy, and Sir Mainwaring Carshalton and his Wife, and—in fact Everybody one cares to meet."
Mr. P. de T. "Indeed! And who Played and Sang?"
Miss P. de T. "Who Played and Sang? Well—a—a—really, do you know, I don't remember!"
Head of the House, loquitur:—
Dear me! Going back? I can hardly conceive it.
I thought we were in for a spell of "Set Fair."
A serious change? No, I will not believe it;
I can't, I declare.
I've tapped it with confidence morning by morning,
This glass which has never deceived me before;
And now to go wrong in this way, without warning!—
It's really a bore.
Of course it's too bad to be true, for the weather
So settled has seemed, and has promised so well,
And why it should go and break up altogether
Nobody can tell.
Tap! Tap! Yes, it's true, it is certainly dropping.
Things seem—for the moment—a bit out of joint,
For of course there is not the least fear of its stopping
At such a low point.
No, no, that's absurd; the idea makes one pallid.
This many and many a day from my door
Without a top-coat or a gingham I've sallied;
And now, will it pour?
O nonsense! The omens have all been so cheery;
The Times, in its forecasts, have been so cock-sure.
Can we all have been wrong? Nay, a prospect so dreary
I cannot endure.
Some local disturbances truly I've heard of.
Our foes make the most of such little mishaps;
But then they mean nothing; it's really absurd of
The ignorant chaps.
At Spalding or Coventry weather may vary;—
And yet, when the "area of change" gets too wide,
Men fancy it's more than a passing vagary;—
Ay, even our side.
Tap! Tap! Yes there is a perceptible tumble.
One can't "square" the weather or "get at" the glass.
A storm? Oh! 'twas merely the least little rumble,—
'Twill probably pass.
Yes. Up in the North there 'tis always unsettled;
I fancy we shan't be so shifty down South.
No, really there's not the least call to be nettled,
Or down in the mouth.
I'll take my umbrella,—a useful possession,
Yes, even in summer with wind in the east.
But this—oh! it's merely a "local depression";—
I hope so, at least!
Supposing that when our soldiers and sailors were armed with worthless bayonets and useless cutlasses, a war had broken out.
And supposing that our Army had been defeated on account of those worthless bayonets.
And supposing our sailors had been slaughtered by hundreds on account of those useless cutlasses.
And supposing the country had been successfully invaded because the nation had improper arms of defence.
And supposing, wild with ruin, revenge, and misery, the remains of the Army and Navy had met Sir John Adye.
Supposing they had. Well, what then?
Prize Parliamentary Puzzle.—"The End of the Session."