EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Tuesday, Jan. 31st.—"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table."
'Twas the voice of the Speaker; one could hear him declaim just as Big Ben tolled four o'clock this afternoon. House crowded in every part, throbbing with excitement; crowds everywhere. In Centre Hall some vainly hoping for impossible places; others content to see the men go by whose names they read in the papers. Outside Palace Yard multitude standing patiently for hours, happy if only they saw the tip of Mr. G.'s hat as he drove in at the gate, or imagined the buttons on the Squire of Malwood's gaiters. Never, in recent times, such a rush on opening days.
And Colonel Saunderson, comfortably seated on Front Bench below Gangway, in choice companionship with Dr. Tanner, actually yawning!
Historical Subject.—S-nd-rs-n "finding the body of"—T-nn-r.
"All very well for you, Toby, dear boy," he said, responsive to my polite stare. "You come down here leisurely in afternoon, and take your seat. I've been on war-path since before daybreak. Knew the wild Irishmen meant to open proceedings of Session by appropriating our seats. Have not served in Royal Irish Fusiliers for nothing. Session opened by Royal Commission at two o'clock this afternoon. Thought if I arrived on spot at seven in morning would be in moderately good time. Here before seven: place in utter darkness; found friendly policeman with bull's-eye light; tightened my belt; cocked my pistol; requisitioned Bobby and his lantern. You should have seen us groping our way into House; Bobby first, with bull's-eye lantern professionally flashing to right and left, under seats, into dark corners. Made straight for my old corner-seat below Gangway; something white gleaming on front bench; with supple turn of wrist Bobby brought flambeau to bear upon it; found it was Tanner—Tanner, hatless, coatless, without even a waistcoat on! You might have knocked me down with much less than bayonet-prod. 'Morning, Colonel,' says he. 'Been here all night?' I gasped. 'Oh, no,' says he; 'had cup of coffee at stall by Westminster Bridge, bought a few hats in the New Cut, and, you see, I've planted them out.' So he had, by Gad! Every corner-seat taken, and he prone in Jemmy Lowther's. 'Weren't enough o' them,' Tanner said, with his sixpenny snigger; 'couldn't leave put our revered leaders, Tim Healy and O'Brien, you know. So just took off my coat, flopped it down for Tim, hung the waist-coast on a knob, and there's William O'Brien's place secured for the night. Now, if you'd like a seat, you'll find one above the Gangway; or if you want to come and sit by me, here you are. I've got a necktie, a collar, and a pair of braces to spare; if you've any particular friends in your mind, why, we'll get seats for them.' No knowing what a fellow like Tanner would do in these circumstances. Even his trowsers not sacred. So made best of bad job, and here I am. At least, better off than Jemmy Lowther, evicted without compensation for disturbance."
Conversation interrupted by loud cheer. Mr. G. marching with head erect, and swinging stride, to take the Oath and his seat. Necessary by Standing Orders that two Members shall accompany new Member on these occasions to certify identity and prevent guilty impersonation. It's a wise child that knows his own father, but Herbert, walking on one side of Premier, with Marjoribanks on other, ready to testify. Clerk at table, thus assured all was right, administered Oath and then conducted Premier up to Speaker, presenting the new Member.
"Mr. Gladstone, I presume," said Speaker, making a motion towards extending his hand.
"Yes, Sir," said the new Member, nervously.
"Dear me!" said the Speaker, now shaking hands. "I've often heard of you. I daresay you'll soon get accustomed to the place, and will, I hope, be comfortable." Mr. G. bowed, and retired to his seat. Speaker suffered succession of shocks as in same way were brought up and introduced to him, Squire of Malwood, John Morley, Campbell-Bannerman, the Count Mundellani, George Trevelyan, The Boy Asquith, and quite a host of new acquaintances.
Business done.—New Members took their seats. Address moved.
Thursday Night.—Something like flash of old times to-night. Of course, it came from Irish quarter, and it was Saunderson who kindled the torch. Colonel presented himself early in sitting on corner bench below Gangway. This apparently reverted to possession of Jemmy Lowther. He lent it to Colonel for an hour, sitting on other side of him. How they secured the place is a mystery, darkened by temporary disappearance of Tanner. "Where is Tanner?" Members ask, looking, not without suspicion, on placid face and generally respectable appearance of Jemmy Lowther. Last seen, not exactly in company of Jemmy and the Colonel, rather in conflict for the corner-seat. Lowther has the seat; lends it to Saunderson. But where is Tanner?
"Oh, he's all right," said Lowther, with forced smile, when Justin McCarthy, with ill-feigned indifference, inquired after the lamb missing from his fold. "Bad sixpence, you know; always turns up," Jemmy added. But his merriment forced, and Saunderson abruptly changed subject.
Evidently a case for Sherlock Holmes; must place it in his hands.
Doubtless it was with object of diverting attention from a ghastly subject that Saunderson led up to row alluded to. In course of remarks on release of Gweedore prisoners, he alluded to Father McFadden as "a ruffian." Irish Members not used to language of that kind. Howled in pained indignation; the Colonel, astonished at his own moderation, varied the phrase by calling the respected P.P. "a murderous ruffian." Shouts of horror from compatriots closely massed behind. Tim Healy, in particular, boiling with indignation at use of language of this character addressed to gentlemen from whom one had difference of opinion on public matters. Nothing would content them short of absolute and immediate withdrawal. Colonel declined to withdraw. Uproar rose in ungovernable fury. Every time Colonel opened his mouth to continue his remarks, an Irish Member (so to speak) jumped down his throat.
Considerable proportion of Ministerial majority had disappeared in this fashion, when happy thought occurred to John Dillon. Hotly moved that Saunderson "be no longer heard." Considering he had not been heard for fully five minutes, this joke excellent. Speaker, however, wouldn't see it. Colonel trumped the card by moving Adjournment of Debate. Mr. G. interposed, adjured Saunderson to put end to scene by withdrawing expression objected to.
Colonel, hitherto obdurate, found irresistible the stately appeal from Premier. "Certainly," said he, ever ready to oblige; "I will withdraw the words 'murderous ruffian,' and substitute the expression, excited politician." This accepted as perfectly satisfactory. Terms apparently synonymous; but the latter, on the whole, less irritating to susceptible nerves. Irish members round about fell on Colonel's neck; embraced him with tears; gently disengaging himself, he proceeded uninterrupted to the end of his address.
"Capital title that," said George Newnes, who always has eye to business. "Shall start a new Weekly; lead off with serial Novel by Colonel Saunderson, entitled The Murderous Ruffian; or, the Excited Politician. Sure to take."
All very well, this cleverly conceived diversion. But where is Dr. Tanner? Business done.—Debate on Address.
Friday Night.—Still harping on Ireland. Began with row round issue of Writ for South Meath. Esmonde, one of innumerable Whips present House possesses, says the business was his. "Then why didn't you do it?" asked Nolan. "As you didn't seem disposed to move, I do." Nationalists want to get North Meath Election finished first; Parnellites don't. So Esmonde is in no hurry to move Writ, and Colonel Nolan is. Pretty, in these circumstances to hear Nolan with his indignant inquiry, "Is the moving of Writs to be taken as an Election dodge?"
After Ireland, Uganda. Sage of Queen Anne's Gate talked for hour and half. Later, rose to blandly explain that this was only half his speech; rest will be delivered when he brings question up again on Supplementary Vote. As Mr. G. says, this is fair notice, and every Member may determine for himself whether he will forego a portion of the promised treat. Business done.—Talking.
Everyone knows Mr. Austin Dobson's dainty verse. In Eighteenth Century Vignettes (Chatto and Windus) everyone has an opportunity, which he will do well to seize, to enjoy his equally charming prose. Mr. Dobson is one of those enviable men who have time to read. He spends an appreciable portion of his days and nights not only with Addison, but with Steele, Prior, Johnson, Goldsmith, and others, whom a generation that read newspapers and subscribe to Mudie's, know only by name. Mr. Dobson is so omnivorous, that he has read right through Jonas Hanway's Journal of Eight Days' Journey from Portsmouth to Kingston-upon-Thames, the book which drew from Johnson the genial remark that Hanway "had acquired some reputation by travelling abroad, but lost it all by travelling at home." A man that would read that, would read anything. Mr. Dobson, happily, survived it, living to write a paper in which, within the limit of a few pages, we become thoroughly acquainted with Jonas, his travels in Persia, his discreet flirtations, his umbrella (the first under which man ever walked in the streets of London), his suit of rich dark brown, lined with ermine, his chapeau bras with gold button, his gold-hilted sword, and his three pairs of stockings. Jonas always thought there was safety in numbers, whether odd or even. When he travelled, his "Partie" consisted of Mrs. D. and Mrs. O. When he dedicated a book (which Mr. Dobson found, more than a hundred years later, in a second-hand book-shop in Holborn), he inscribed it to the "Twin Sisters, Miss Elizabeth & Miss Caroline Grigg." When he took his walks abroad, he wore three pairs of stockings. Jonas Hanway, under Mr. Dobson's care, is unexpectedly delightful. With the same magic touch he brings upon the stage Steele, Fielding, Goldsmith, Gray, Hogarth's Sigismunda, and Dr. Johnson, who lives for us again in his garret in Gough Square. These Vignettes should be framed in the private room of every man and woman who loves books.
(Signed), "Non obstat," Baron de B.-W.
Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council.
I 'old it true wote'er befall;
I feel it when things go most cross;
Better to do a fi'penny doss,
Than never do a doss at all!
"Waite for the End."—On Friday last, at another Unemployed Meeting, a certain person, whose name is never mentioned in ears polite, "found mischief still," as wrote the immortal Dr. Watts, "for idle hands to do," and set one Waite, whether a light or heavy weight is not stated, and one Sullivan, by the ears. It was a hand-to-hand fight, and Waite was subsequently captured and brought before the Magistrate. Mem. for Waite, in the words of a recently popular song, "Never hit a Man of the name of Sullivan."
Fallen Fortunes.—Quoth The Observer of a certain celebrity, "The family to which he belongs can trace an uninterrupted descent for a period of six centuries." What an awful "come-down"! Quelle dégringolade!
Between Two Government Officials.—"What do you think of Campbell-Bannerman's choice of an assistant private secretary? Odd? eh?" "Not odd! Strange."
Proverb for Members of Parliament who wish to secure Seats.—"Two Hats are better than one."
OR, GETTING THE START OF CRINOLINE.
Concerning Cash.
Question. What is cash?
Answer. Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.
Q. Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?
A. Yes, by those who do not possess it.
Q. Is it possible to live without cash?
A. Certainly—upon credit.
Q. Can you tell me what is credit?
A. Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to part with some of it to those who have it not.
Q. Can you give me an instance of credit?
A. Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case of credit.
Q. Would it be right to describe such a transaction "as much to his credit"?
A. It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit;" although the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as absolutely accurate.
Q. What is bimetallism?
A. Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.
Q. Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?
A. My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining silver, if you cannot get gold.
Q. What is the best way of securing gold?
A. The safest way is to borrow it.
Q. Can money be obtained in any other way?
A. In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.
Q. What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, but with smaller risk?
A. By promoting Companies and other expedients known to the members of the Stock Exchange.
Foreign Clerks.—I should be grateful for any information as to where I could acquire a knowledge of French, German, Italian, Spanish, Arabic, and Russian, without leaving the neighbourhood of Camberwell New Road, and at a merely nominal cost. I find that, unless I know those languages, I have no chance of competing with German Clerks; whereas, if I did know them, I should be nearly sure of obtaining a berth in a London Firm at not less than fifteen shillings a week, rising, by half centuries, to fifteen and sixpence, and even to sixteen shillings. Also, what is the least amount of porridge (without milk or sugar), haricot beans, or lentil soup, that will preserve a person from starvation, if he takes nothing else, and works fourteen hours a day? I intend imitating my Teutonic rivals in frugality, as well as in languages; any dietetic hints (especially from Scotchmen), would therefore be welcomed by No Polyglot.
A Delicate Request.—On Wednesday—that day in every week which is kept as a whole holiday in honour of Mr. Punch—the 8th Feb., there is to be "a meeting of Old Paulines" at Anderton's Hotel, when "the attendance of all Old Paulines is requested." Ahem! The aged representatives of the heroine of the Lady of Lyons will not be attracted by the wording of this rather un-paulite announcement. Why was not the invitation extended to the old Claude Melnottes as well? There must be a lot of them about.
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