The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:
"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in the world."
"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.
"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."
* * *
Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.
Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.
* * *
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.
A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
"No, no! Square toes—must have square toes," he insisted.
"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season."
"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"
* * *
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"
"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Washington."
* * *
Mr. Goodsole: "Well, what do you want?"
Benny the Bum: "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun' me."
* * *
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:
"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
* * *
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.
"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?"
"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"
"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."
"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."
* * *
"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!"
"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
"A spade."
"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
* * *
During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."
"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."
* * *
The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.
"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
"Been in the trade long?"
"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
"Ever made any mistakes?"
"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
* * *
A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: "I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to——"
"Out with you," interrupted the man.
"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
"I should say not!"
"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"
Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it for a hat."
* * *
The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.
"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
* * *
Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
* * *
Actor: "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
Fulpurse: "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
* * *
There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.
The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it! You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!"
"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood—one in yer cart an' the other under yer blinkin' 'at!"
* * *
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."
* * *
Mrs. Newlywed: "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?"
Mr. Newlywed: "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"
Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."
* * *
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"
"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see ye."
* * *
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.
* * *
First Theatrical Manager: "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"
Second Theatrical Manager: "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."
* * *
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.
"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."
"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."
* * *
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."
"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
* * *
Irate Motorist: "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"
Dealer: "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"
* * *
It was while on manœuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it."
"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
* * *
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
"That so?" asked Smith.
"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
* * *
Mrs. Muggins: "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?"
Mr. Muggins: "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle."
* * *
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"
"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
* * *
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a woman I would!"
* * *
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."
"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
* * *
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."
* * *
"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"
"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
* * *
"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."
"And did he finally remember it?"
"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
* * *
Architect: "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
Quickrich: "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."
* * *
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"
"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"
* * *
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?"
"I have," responded the butcher.
"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"
"It is."
"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"
"I'll do my best, sir."
The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for him.
"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."
* * *
"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.
"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."
"And you foretold that from his hand?"
"Yes, it had four aces in it."
* * *
Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the lad.
"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"
"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."
* * *
"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."
"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me—hic—keep it in th' house."
* * *
Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I'm cooking."
* * *
"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.
"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied Tramp No. 2.
"'Fraid on account of the dog?"
"Me trousers are."
"Trousers are what?"
"Frayed on account of the dog."
* * *
"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?"
"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."
* * *
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed:
"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?"
"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"
* * *
Prison Visitor: "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?"
Prisoner: "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."
* * *
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and——"
"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters without you knowing it."
* * *
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.
"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."
"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"
"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"
* * *
O'Grady: "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
Pat: "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"
* * *
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour."
"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labour stand."
* * *
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.
After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.
"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."
"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."
* * *
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks—
"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"
"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"
* * *
The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's mate.
"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.
"I don't know," the gob confessed.
"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"
"Twelve o'clock."
"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"
"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve pounds."
* * *
The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of 'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"
Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every one knows about passion."
* * *
"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."
* * *
"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked up?"
"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."
* * *
The Aristocrat (returning to school): My ancestors came over with William the Conqueror.
The New Girl: That's nothing! My father came over in the same boat with Mary Pickford!
* * *
It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car do you own?"
"A Packard," was the reply.
"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."
The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little individual came along.
"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.
"A Ford," was the answer.
"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian Scientists."
* * *
The Housewife: My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for a year.
The Hobo: Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.
* * *
The Professor: A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as it will cut glass.
The Cynic: Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression on a woman's heart.
* * *
Boss: What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or am I?
Jones: I know I'm not the manager.
The Boss: Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?
* * *
"Pa, what's an actor?"
"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'
* * *
"Is she making a rich marriage?"
"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three times for profiteering."
* * *
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?"
"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
"I do," said the laird.
"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that the empty yins stand up."
* * *
"Miss Smith—Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is something I want to tell you—something that I——"
"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face.
The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. "It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly. "Could you—do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"
"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too much like you!"
* * *
A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively £5, £4, and £3 10s., and laid them in a row on the counter.
The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid £3 10s., and departed.
Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his return.
"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de same brice—two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"
* * *
"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.
"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.
"What flowers are not popular?"
"Wall-flowers, ma'am."
* * *
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."
"Your head?"
"Yes, yer honour."
"Why don't you speak the English language?"
"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."
* * *
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches."
"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good man down."
* * *
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.
"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."
* * *
The maiden of, er—forty or so, was much upset.
Quoth she to a younger friend:
"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid."
"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.
"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"
"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than having her tell lies about you."
* * *
"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"
"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it."
"What does it say, then?"
"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."
* * *
"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?"
"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times over, aren't you?"
"Y-yes."
"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune will be left to me?"
"Y-yes."
"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name at the bank?"
"Y-yes."
"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"
"Y-yes."
"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million dollars?"
"Y-yes."
"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"
"Y-yes."
"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"
* * *
During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to.
"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?"
"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.
"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."
* * *
"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct."
"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain."
* * *
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.
"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.
"Suh?"
"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"
Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all that remained.
"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his destination."
* * *
Tommy: "What's an echo, pa?"
Pa: "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word."
* * *
"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.
"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."
* * *
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."
* * *
Bolshie Tubthumper: Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!
* * *
Sunday School Teacher: Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite to your playmates, what will be the result?
Alfred: They'll think they can lick me!
* * *
A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put it in my pocket."
* * *
A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.
An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a Scotsman's head."
A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"
* * *
The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.
So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally he managed to catch the great man.
"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"
"Oh, feyr, feyr!"
"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair throats?"
"Ay!"
"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"
"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."
* * *
What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected.
"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.
"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough he was starving to death."
* * *
He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door.
"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.
"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."
"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house replied.
"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."
* * *
Minister: Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?
Miss Ala Mode: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?
* * *
He: Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future?
She: Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week.
* * *
"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"
"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not such an awful habit. Why, at your own club——"
"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, and fours."
* * *
"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"
* * *
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."
"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.
"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."
Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know why you're washing!"
* * *
"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.
"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt."
* * *
Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.
"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice."
"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love' cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."
Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."
"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.
"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little girl.
* * *
An English mother was visiting her son at college.
"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"
"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.
"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"
"Only five words of it remain," he said.
* * *
A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.
"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend it."
Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:
"That'll be three shillings, mum."
"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"
The man shook his head.
"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"
And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.
* * *
It was the usual domestic storm.
"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!"
Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.
"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.
Wifey nodded violently.
A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.
"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"
* * *
Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.
As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:
"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."
The other one looked surprised.
"Did I hit you?"
"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."
* * *
"And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?"
"Has he?"
"Why, no."
"Of course I would, darling."
* * *
"Why do you object to children in your apartment house?"
"As a matter of kindness. People who are raising families can't be expected to pay the rentals I require."
* * *
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring it down a bit or clear it altogether.
"Oh, aye," replied the pawky one. "I'm £60 short am I? Will ye just look up an' tell me hoo my account stood in June?"
"Oh," the banker said, "you were all right then; you had £250 to your credit."
"Aye, an' did I ring you up in June?" was the caustic rejoinder.
* * *
The newly-elected president of a banking institution was being introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men in the cashier's cage, questioning him in detail about his work, etc. "I have been here forty years," said the cashier's assistant, with conscious pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake."
"Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But hereafter be more careful."
* * *
First Sailor (searching vainly for his ship after a few hours' leave): "But she was 'ere when we went ashore, wasn't she?"
Second Sailor: "It's them blokes at Washington. They've started scrappin' the fleet, an' begun on us."
* * *
The tourist from the East had stopped to change tires in a desolate region of the far South. "I suppose," he remarked to a native onlooker, "that even in these isolated parts the bare necessities of life have risen tremendously in price?"
"Y'er right, stranger," replied the native, "and it ain't worth drinkin' when ye get it."
* * *
Irate Golfer: "You must take your children away from here, madam; this is no place for them."
Mother: "Now don't you worry—they can't 'ear nothin' new—their father was a sergeant-major, 'e was!"
* * *
The Client: "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they were empty."
The Lawyer: "Well, what do you expect?"
The Client: "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"
* * *
During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked how it was that the Jews were so wise.
"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered to sell one for ten dollars.
After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."
"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."
* * *
"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked, "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"
* * *
"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?"
"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
* * *
"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
* * *
"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
"What does he do?"
"He drinks."
"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."
* * *
"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
"What size, madam?"
"Life-size, of course."
* * *
Wife: "George, is that you?"
George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
* * *
She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
* * *
Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
Beau: "Stripped?"
Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
* * *
Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."
* * *
Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"
* * *
Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"
Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
* * *
"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
"Then why didn't you marry him?"
"I met him again so often."
* * *
Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."
* * *
She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
He: "Er—er—nothing."
She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
* * *
Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"
Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
* * *
Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."
* * *
"How times have changed!"
"Yes?"
"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
* * *
Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."
Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
* * *
Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
* * *
"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
* * *
A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.