Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off:
Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare
Up at the sun who banquets us with cries of
"Chair!"
Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny:
Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold,
Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani-
-fold.
Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer,
Urging to purchase patent-leather boots,
Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer
suits.
Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers,
Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view.
Mine—I don't mind confessing it—are trousers
new,
These that, serene in atmosphere serenest,
Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts the trees—
Green are the leaves, and greener than the greenest
Peas!
All things must end: to-morrow may be icy:
Wither too soon the joys that freshest are;
End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci-
gar.
Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. HYAM
Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen;
Green was the Chair I sat on—and now I am
green!
SCENE—The War Office. Sanctum of the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. H.R.H. is seated on a chair. To him enter (after being properly complimented by a couple of Grenadiers on guard over an area) INSPECTOR-GENERAL OF EVERYTHING, Field-Marshal PUNCH.
Inspector-General (sharply). Well, Sir! (COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF comes briskly to attention.) No, your Royal Highness, you can be seated. I don't want to disturb you—much! And now, how is the Easter Review getting on?
Com.-in-Chief. First-rate, Sir. Excellent, Sir! Couldn't be better, Sir!
Insp.-Gen. (dryly). I have heard those phrases before, your Royal Highness—especially "couldn't be better"—and found subsequently that things ought to have been better, very much better, Sir.
Com.-in-Chief (anxiously). But I assure you, Sir, that this time we are doing our level best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have thirty thousand men under arms! Think of that, Sir—thirty thousand men!
Insp.-Gen. About the numbers of a German Brigade, or is it a Regiment?
Com.-in-Chief (with a forced laugh). Come, Sir, I see you are joking! Yes, thirty thousand men, and some of them are going down fully equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will march the whole way to the scene of the operations with their own regimental transport! And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think of that, Sir!
Insp.-Gen. And how much have you gentlemen here had to do with that, Sir? Why, the Volunteers would have been left in a state of utter unpreparedness had not the public taken the initiative. What did the War Office and the Horse Guards do towards giving them their kit?
Com.-in-Chief. Well, it is all right now, Sir. And we are going to have a splendid time of it. The idea is that a hostile force has landed at Deal during the early hours of Monday morning, and—
Insp.-Gen. (interrupting). Yes, I have read all that in the papers. But come, tell me who is to command?
Com.-in.-Chief (rather taken aback). Well, Sir, the customary crew. I suppose BILLY SEYMOUR.
Insp. Gen. (severely). I presume, your Royal Highness, that you refer to General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, who will be in command at Dover.
Com.-in-Chief (abashed). Certainly, Sir. You are a little particular to-day, Sir.
Insp. Gen. (gravely). I am always particular—very particular—when I have to deal with the Volunteers. Well, Sir, General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, commands at Dover—proceed, Sir; pray proceed.
Com.-in-Chief. Then, Sir, there's General GOODENOUGH at Maidstone, and General DAWSON-SCOTT at Chatham.
Insp.-Gen. Is he a Volunteer?
Com.-in-Chief (laughing). Why no, Sir; of course not, Sir. Why he's in the Royal Engineers. Although in my Crimean days we never considered Sappers soldiers. We used to say that—
Insp.-Gen. (severely). No levity, Sir. And pray who else is to be in command?
Com.-in-Chief. Well, Sir, I shall be present myself on Saturday, and then take the March-past on Monday.
Insp.-Gen. Yes; but how about the Volunteers? What about them? Why don't you let the officers command their own men?
Com.-in-Chief. Why, Sir, you see in time of war—
Insp.-Gen. (interrupting). You would find Volunteer officers as capable as any others. Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the lessons taught by the war between the Northerners and the Southerners in America?
Com.-in-Chief. I have glanced at the subject, Sir, at the Royal United Service Institute. And may I venture to hope that you are satisfied, Sir?
Insp.-Gen. (after a pause). Well, yes, I think you are doing better. But, in future, give a share of the command to Volunteers pur et simple. And now just jot down what I have further to say to you.
[Scene closes in upon the COM.-IN-CHIEF taking notes.
At a recent meeting of the Institute of Journalists, it was proposed that future candidates for membership should undergo an examination to test their qualifications before election. Should the proposal be adopted, no doubt some such paper as the following will be set to those desirous of obtaining the right of adding "M.I.J." to their names.
1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use such expressions as "devouring element" or "destructive fluid" in sending in "flimsy" to a London Daily Paper? State when you would consider yourself entitled to describe yourself "a Special."
2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a free luncheon? If an Editor finds himself present, should he return thanks for the Press himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a bumptious Reporter.
3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel, and say when a paper, (1) should apologise, (2) fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court.
4. Define the difference between a "comment of public importance" and a "puffing advertisement."
5. What is "log-rolling?" Give examples to illustrate the meaning of the word.
6. Show, concisely, why the World could not revolve without the Press, and why the Press would cease to be without your own personal assistance.
Whenas my JULIA wears a sack,
That hides the outline of her back,
I cry, in sore distress, "Alack!"
She showed a dainty waist when dressed
In jacket; true, the size confessed
That whalebone had its shape compressed.
Still was her form sweet as her face,
But now what change has taken place!
This "sack coat" hides all maiden grace.
Although men's clothes are always vile,
The coat, the trousers and the "tile"!
Some sense still lingers in each style.
But women's garments should be fair,
All graceful, gay and debonair.
And if they lack good sense, why care?
O JULIA, cease to wear a sack,
A garb all artists should attack,
In which both sense and beauty lack!
("HENRY THE EIGHTH is a Soda-water Play."—Mr. Irving's Evidence before the Committee.)
Mr. Irving has now completed his list of refreshments suited to performances. They can be obtained, like Mr. GOSCHEN's reserve of shillings, "on application," which does not mean gratis.
Macbeth.—Very fine old Scotch.
Hamlet.—Bitters.
Romeo and Juliet.—Rum and Milk.
Othello.—Dublin Stout.
Merchant of Venice.—Port(1 A.).
Charles the First.—Bottled Ale (with a fine head).
The Cup.—Tea.
Faust.—Ginger Brandy.
Much Ado About Nothing.—Benedictine.
Corsican Brothers.—Half-and-half.
["It is stated that the soldier who, on Friday last, fired at and killed a man who threatened him while on sentry duty before the barracks in the Wrangel-strasse, Berlin, has been promoted to the rank of corporal, for what is described as his correct conduct on the occasion. The passerby, who was wounded at the same time, still lies in a precarious condition."—St. James's Gazette, April 6.]
April 1.—I go walking near barracks; see man looking quietly at building. Suddenly fires the sentry with his long distance rifle, so that the straight onward through the harmless onlooker's heart and through my never sufficiently to be regretted right arm passing bullet in the remote distance a child kills. Long live our good Emperor and his glorious army! Carried home insensible.
June 1.—At last am I from arm-amputation recovered and walk again out. The sentry was for his on the first April quite courageous act to be Sergeant promoted. Here comes a Sergeant! He is it! Look curiously at him whereupon he me in the leg shoots. Long live our Emperor! Again carried home.
Sept. 1.—Again out, in invalid chair, meet same man, now Lieutenant. I murmur sadly, "Ah, my friend, I gave you a leg-up indeed!" Then he, saying that I him insulted have, my remaining arm with his sword off cuts. I respect our Emperor, but I love not his soldiers now. Must hire an amanuensis.
January 1.—After my long illness go I once again, Unter den Linden, in my invalid chair—that is to say, what is left of me. My enemy is now a Colonel. Shall I him again see? Heaven forbid! Alas, he comes even now, with those weapons which so rapidly him increase, and me diminish! I say nothing, but he, seeing me, with his sword my last limb off cuts. I love not even our Emperor now.
May 1.—To-day is the Socialists' Day, and I can once more out-dragged be. I am now a without legs or arms Socialist. My enemy can be promoted now only by my body. He has become a General and Count—(Here the Diary ends abruptly.)
"Berlin, May 2.—Yesterday an unfortunate Gentleman, without arms or legs, when passing the Royal Palace in his invalid chair, was attacked by a distinguished officer, who ran his sword through the heart of the unoffending civilian. The assassin was immediately promoted, as is usual in such cases, and is now Field Marshal Prince BLUTUNDRUHM VON SCHLACHTHAUSEN."—London Daily Papers.
Noble Sportsman (opposite choice example of Canaletto). "I SAY, BY JOVE, I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF OLYMPIA HERE!"
House of Commons, Monday, April 4.—ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS has added a new terror to Parliamentary life. It is bad enough to have him unexpectedly rising from a customary seat; usually finds a place on top Bench below Gangway, whence, in days that are no more, NEWDEGATE used to lament fresh evidences of Papal ascendancy. House grown accustomed to hearing the familiar voice from this accustomed spot. To-night, conversation on question of Privilege been going forward for some time. Seemed about to reach conclusion, when suddenly, far below the Gangway in Irish quarter, ominous sound broke on startled ear.
At first all eyes turned to NEWDEGATE's old quarters; but the voice evidently did not proceed thence. Following the sound, Members came upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS breaking out in a fresh place. Otherwise, all the same; the flat-toned voice, the imperturbable manner that awaits cessation of storm of obloquy, and then completes interrupted sentence; the conviction that somebody (generally the Government) is acting dishonestly, and needs a watchful eye kept upon him; the information conveyed that the Eye is now turned on—all were there, each identified ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Up again and again during preliminary discussion, always shouted at, and ever quietly waiting till noise has subsided, when he finishes the interrupted sentence, and begins another.
Business done.—In Committee on Small Holdings.
Tuesday.—Happy circumstance in the history of all Administrations that there is never lacking a friend on their own side to keep them on the right path. RADCLIFFE COOKE suddenly developed tendency towards personally conducting the Government. Hitherto appeared as a docile follower. New state of affairs arose in connection with Breach of Privilege by Cambrian Railway Directors. HICKS-BEACH last night gave notice to take into consideration Special Report of Select Committee charging Directors with Breach of Privilege. BEACH proposed to wait awhile till "the other side" had got up a case or two, to show that if Masters were prone to punish their Servants for giving inconvenient evidence on question of Hours of Labour, the Servants were no better when they had power to inflict on each other similar punishment. BEACH made his proposal in matter-of-fact way, anticipating general concurrence. But CHANNING objected; GEORGE TREVELYAN did not approve the suggestion; while the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD eagerly seized BEACH's maladroit phrase about "the other side," and made great play with it. Probably BEACH might have disregarded this action from Opposition Benches; but different when RADCLIFFE COOKE rose from Bench immediately behind Ministers, and in severely judicial manner criticised proposed action of President of Board of Trade. BEACH said nothing at moment; after some hours' reflection, announced withdrawal of original proposition and intention of proceeding with indictment of Cambrian Directors without waiting for case of "the other side."
To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear at Bar of House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE again appeared on scene; with increased impressiveness of manner argued against BEACH's proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to look uneasy; no knowing where this sort of thing would end if it spread. What with SEXTON on one side correcting grammar of Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on the other amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over Treasury Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, and benignly but effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was one too many, was in fact spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to argue the matter out, but SPEAKER peremptory and Ministers saved from fresh rebuff.
"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like that," said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's a very different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. An Insurance Broker, Director of various Railway and other Companies, formerly Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a Trustee for three Church livings, and father of a large family, to be brought up on a Breach of Privilege is no slight matter. Indignity is aggravated by the locality. 'The Bar' is the last place in the world where the friends of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE would think it likely to find him."
Business done.—In Committee on Small Holdings.
Thursday Night.—After all, MACLURE didn't have to stand at the Bar to-night, so his feelings were saved a peculiarly painful wrench. But the Chairman of Cambrian Railway held a special meeting at Bar. It was attended by Mr. BAILEY HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the Company. The SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with him.
"Now if they were really going to have anything at the Bar," said MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled port or anything like that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose ERSKINE would dip it in the jorum and stir the liquor round."
So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally well-posted up in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO fiddled whilst Rome burned. Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; mental condition shared by his Chairman, Co-director, and the Manager. The latter, resolved to sell his life dearly, brought in his umbrella, which gave him a quite casual hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar.
Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. Cheered MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, the Bar pulled out, difficulty arose about making both ends meet.
"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said WILFRID LAWSON; "GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand."
Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of the House; general aspect more like appearance at theatre on Boxing Night when audience waits for curtain to rise on new pantomime. Only the SPEAKER grave, even solemn; his voice occasionally rising above merry din with stern cry of "Order! order!"
"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they please," said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, on eve of final division, he offered another remark in louder tone. SPEAKER thundered down upon him like a tornado, and TANNER quiet for rest of sitting.
HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to affairs. Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of Breach of Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But speech itself clearly made out that Directors were blameless; all the bother lying at door of Railway Servant who had been dismissed. Speech, in short, turned its back on Resolution. This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed even by Mr. G. interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR. Storm raged all night; division after division taken; finally, long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the Bar, the worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven hours that had passed since last they stood there.
SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" them; and so to bed.
Business done.—Cambrian Directors admonished for Breach of Privilege.
Tuesday, April 12.—House adjourns to-day for Easter Holidays; good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; some waited to hear JOKIM bringing in his Budget last night. Few left to-day to wind up the business. HUGHES, gallant Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few minutes ago. But he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away smile, "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off."
I follow his example.
Business done.—Adjourned for Easter Holidays.
When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies at play,
I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all day;
But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with dismay
On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!
For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram from town,
To say that he has come across "that dear old chappie—BROWNE,"
And to dine with us this evening he means to bring him down—
And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder!
I have just been down to see it, and my courage sinks a-new,
Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to do—
Which means that she'll convert into an appetising stew
The Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder.
But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy pink,
That Cook—alas! is given to the frequent use of drink,
And if she once gets muddled up—perhaps she'll never think
Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!
As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the moor,
Down the basement stairs I'm creeping—till a widely open door
Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished kitchen floor—
And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder!
O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and BROWNE to-day!
I picture to myself the pretty words that you will say—
And I seize my guinea bonnet—and I wander far away
From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!
MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.—"Nothing like Lather."
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.