Mr. Punch. Bravo! "Delivered with good respect." Your Royal Highness has fairly capped us! Harry Monmouth, KAISER, could not more fitly have

and Harry Hotspur less deserved the praise.

Emperor. "I will imitate the honourable Romans in brevity." I can but thank you both! (To the PRINCE.)

Mr. Punch. That's as it should be. If 'twere not always wholly so—but no matter! I love not to speak in needless or heedless dispraise of dignities, of "Shouting Emperors," or "Madcap Princes," but rather—

Sweet WILLIAM (of Avon, bien entendu), hath armed us in advance against even the latest developments of the detestable. The "base newsmongers" of the day are to be shunned as carefully as the "smiling pick-thanks." They would set strife between the two sides of a sixpence or a sovereign. In vain, let us hope! Than that Uncle should admire Nephew, and Nephew respect Uncle, who could wish more or better—for both? We Three!!! My Emperors and Heirs-Apparents, pray charge your glasses! Something like a Triple Alliance! A Veritable League of Peace! Kaiser; at least this is as pleasant as the proceedings on board the Cobra during her passage down the Elbe, n'est-ce pas? No formal appending of Statecraft's Scarlet Seals, or scrawly Imperial Signs-manual need we for our Amicable Treaty. A handclasp and a Loving-cup shall suffice us for marking the happy accord of Peace—Goodfellowship—Mirth!!! These be verily the "Central Powers," which RUDINI might have referred to when he said,—"Our Alliance, firmly and sincerely maintained, will assure the Peace of Europe for a long time to come." So mote it be! Let us toast them—in a Bumper!

[Left doing so.

HENLEY REGATTA.

(By Mr. Punch's Own Oarsman.)

Sir,—This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion some remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, were printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was meant, and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had since the occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take care that it shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence that should always exist between an editor and his staff cannot possibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable services to some other paper. The notes and prognostications which I have laboriously compiled with regard to the final results of the Regatta will arrive by the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be found to be extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that vivid and picturesque style which has made my contributions famous throughout the civilised world.

There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire to have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out to you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You said that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic reporter who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far degraded himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any of the absurd positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding you were inexorable, and knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, I consented finally to undertake the arduous duties. These circumstances, however, make it essential that you should give me advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much like to ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are mostly in what they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a condition of high irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their tempers are, I regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I don't wish to show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands that I should be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, I shall remain.

In the first place what is a "lightship?" As I travelled down to Henley I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal Regatta was now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with lightships of every description." I remember some years ago passing a very pleasant half hour on board of a lightship moored in the neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward with a lively pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon as I arrived, therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a gold anchor embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent at least two hours on the river in company with that boy—a very impudent little fellow,—but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I failed to find a single vessel which could be fairly described as a lightship. Finally the boy said they had all been sunk in yesterday's great storm, and with that inadequate explanation I was forced to content myself. But there is a mystery about this. Please explain it.

Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me a refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled to refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be necessary for them to set an example of true British endurance to the crowds who attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to be paid for the performance of their duties.

Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. Being anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal hotels here, and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' Cup, and to be careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but went away to execute my orders. After an absence of ten minutes he returned, and informed me, with the Manager's compliments, that they could not provide me with what I wanted, but that their Champagne-cup was excellent. I gave the fellow a look, and departed. Perhaps this is only another example of the asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of these crass provincials. Kindly reply, by wire, about all the three points I have mentioned.

I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate enough to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good many maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding along the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their foolhardy recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. I have puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course these ridiculous affairs can't be boats.

Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short way.

Yours sincerely,

THE MAN AT THE OAR.

Henley-on-Thames, July 4.

A COMMON COMPLAINT.

(By a Daily Victim.)

Defeat—or Something Near It.

A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS.

QUEER QUERIES.—FISH-DIET.—I am writing an important historical work, which takes a great deal out of my brain, and I shall be glad to know what is the best kind of diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish has been strongly recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for breakfast take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a herring and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of oysters be best for tackling our early Constitutional History?—MACAULAY JUNIOR.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House, of Commons, Monday, June 29.—Early promise of JAMES BAIN, Knight, begins to be realised. Created profound sensation on night he took his seat, by walking about with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him with swift stern reproof. BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother was about. Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go and have a chat with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" and SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having explained to him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed remainder of sitting in safety.

Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he would stroll out. Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on. Carefully took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made for the door. As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No doubt about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those thrillingly solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone else's by any chance have got on his head? Passed his left hand over massive brow. No, all right. Best thing to do would be to get off premises as quickly as possible. So BAIN bolted.

"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know you mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an old one. I know all the ropes in this machine. When you want anything ask me."

"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask you what I've done now?"

"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member on his legs and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by the back of the Bench."

After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached up in Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden speech. Quite delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and original peroration. "Gentlemen," he said,—"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill."

This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY FOWLER's. That admirable in every way; a distinct and far advance on a Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and ability; an epoch in a Parliamentary career already notable for its steady progress. Pity Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the triumph of the most promising of his recruits of the '80 Parliament.

Business done.—HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to Education Bill negatived by 267 against 166.

Tuesday.—"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, have not specially lain in the domain of history," said Professor STOKES, in the course of a brief address delivered to me in a corner of the Library. "The pure dry light of mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for me. Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had no one prominently in English public affairs with quite the same influence as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. The time is gone by when kings were made and unmade. But my Right Hon. friend has done more than anyone to make the present Ministry possible, and, having made them, he claims the right to direct, and, in some respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious phenomenon, very curious indeed. If you were not so evidently in a hurry, I should like to dilate upon it."

A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a rule, most considerate in his attitude. At much pains to preserve an appearance suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the Opposition Benches, and is supposed to know no more of the secret councils and intentions of the Ministry than anyone else in same quarter of House. Made a slip in earlier stages of Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and disclosed familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time he spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same road. Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across the table to explain details of measure, he asked leave to introduce, dealing with state of things in Highlands and Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN being much interested in question, having marked it for his own, might be supposed to have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was drafted. All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if LORD-ADVOCATE would briefly sketch his Bill.

To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved Amendment extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which fee grants would be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, and protested thing couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate went forward, Ministers refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to look in after dinner; thinks it would be well to accept Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, a very model of debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. Remarkable state of things; as a study more interesting even than mathematics.

Business done.—Education Bill in Committee.

Thursday.—Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords for Committee stage. House unusually crowded; quite animated in appearance; when at length it gets into Committee LORD CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, still wearing wig and gown, lends new air of grace and dignity to Ministerial Bench. Sits between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the MARKISS thinks of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine nothing more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to some half-dozen other of his colleagues.

Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to front, and modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, once in while, to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting over Clauses of Bill in Committee. That sort of obscure labour might suit them, but not the thing to attract the MCCULLUM MORE. Had already enjoyed himself on Second Reading, delivering one of those orations which, as COLCHESTER says, may be magnificent but are not debate. That should have satisfied vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not an ordinary man. There were several things he forgot to say in the speech. Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in Committee he must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers anxious to get on with business, and his observations would probably not be reported. Thing to do was to move Instruction to Committee. This would bring him on first thing in a full House, before Peers had wearied themselves with application to real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't matter in what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his speech. MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him not to press Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had served its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE stalked off home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee work.

Business done.—Land Bill through Committee in Lords.

Friday Night.—Education Bill through Committee. Last scene of all a little lively owing to revolt on Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE led it in speech of unwonted eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of imagery: described School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; that enough by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, went on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge.

Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the Member for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to the House of Commons talks, doesn't speechify; style excellent, and so is the matter. House would like to hear a little oftener from JENNINGS; due to it from Stockport who has also sent us GEDGE.

Business done.—Education Bill through Committee.

SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST.

THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE.

QUELCHING QUELCH.—Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour Commission, is said to have expressed his opinion that "the liberty to combine should not involve the liberty not to combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that without "liberty not to combine" there cannot be any "liberty to combine." For if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, it is obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would leave the workman none.

A MASK ON A MASK.

[A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn during the hours of sleep, is designed to remove wrinkles.]

NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.