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   NEWSLETTER: "A HILL I'LL DIE ON IS MUSWELL HILL, JUST AFTER I'VE CLIMBED
   UP IT, TO BUY CAKES FROM THE NICE CAKE SHOP DUNNS"
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 * IMAGE CHALLENGE - Most popular one in yonks
 * SHED OF THE YEAR - We have a winner
 * GAME - Are you sure you're not a robot?
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  hosting a Blue Peter
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  appeal for old websites"
 B3ta internet electronic mail 961 - 22nd Sep 2025
 Read this issue pretending to be HAL with a stiffy:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue961
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making fart noises on their arms
   * GUARDIAN HAIKU, NO COME BACK IT'S OK-ISH, ALSO
   ON GITHUB - Will Grant writes, "I'm baaaack with
   another stupid internet thing. It finds haiku in
   Guardian headlines. I tried with the Daily Mail
   RSS feed and it was too depressing." What we
   found most fun about this, if you want to get
   your hands dirty, is that you can download the
   code from GitHub and stick your own RSS feeds
   in. We amused ourselves by sticking in porn site
   RSS bollocks because we're never going to
   change.
 https://wgx.github.io/guardian-haiku/
   * MATHS PUZZLE, FOR FIBONACCI FANS-
   michael.d.duarte writes, "I"ve made a daily
   puzzle called Knotilus, based around
   Fibonacci-like sequences. Each day players try
   to find the three sequences that overlap on only
   one number." Ok, we needed to brush up our
   skills to play this one. The Fibonacci sequence
   is a series of numbers where each number is the
   sum of the two preceding ones. And the Fibonazi
   sequence is whatever Trump is saying next.
 https://knotil.us
   * 'SHED OF THE YEAR' WINNER ACCOUNCED - we went
   over to Uncle Wilco's DMs to get a quote and he
   said, "Shock horror, a proper workshop shed won
   this year's 19th Shed of the Year: a useful
   handmade shed built on a small footprint but
   with plenty of storage and workspace, even room
   for the lawnmower." Next week we relaunch the
   horribly sexist 'rear of the year' campaign, but
   detoxify it by making it only for Chris Rea.
 https://b3ta.com/links/The_Tiny_Workshop_is_the_ov...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   You know you could buy some clothes?
   Hebtro sponsor B3ta and that's pretty handy for
   us as it means we get a trickle of money coming
   in which helps pay for the time we spend writing
   newsletters, and you can help B3ta by buying a
   few clothes at Hebtro, where everything is built
   to last and ideal for presents for the the men
   in your life.
 https://hebtro.co/new/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Yes, you're fessing again
   Each week you spew your lies into a big Google
   form and we post a few out and get told we're
   terrible cunts for doing so. Some good ones
   include:
   * FRIENDS - "I have an unspoken agreement with a
   bloke at the gym. If I need a spotter I'll nod
   in his direction. He'll come and assist me and
   then go back to his workout. We've never spoken
   a word to each other beyond 'cheers.' He's the
   best friend I've ever had and I'll never know
   his name."
   * THE OFFICE - "Company changed the dress code
   to casual, so I started wearing t-shirts to
   work. Wore a shirt one day because nothing else
   clean. Guy sat next to me said 'Not your usual
   Homer Simpson look today.' Stopped wearing
   t-shirts to the office."
   * MIND YOUR LANGUAGE - "I've been calling a guy
   at work a 'weapon' for the last few months as I
   thought it was a term of endearment like you
   think someone is dangerously good at their job,
   he's reported me to HR."
   Follow the account that only has followers
   because people mistook it for the funny one that
   makes up Grindr profiles for much loved 1970s
   lawnmowers.
 https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
   You could of course come to the shows and buy
   tickets. Worthing next, which is apparently on
   the South coast somewhere, we'd better check
   before buying a train ticket. Nearish Brighton
   we think. Also Leeds and Liverpool available.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   And of course the books, the books which
   actually quite amuse us as there's a lot of
   stupid captions in them which we wrote on a
   cornflake high.
 https://amazon.co.uk/s
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Oi, stop looking at socials, remember websites
   * WHAT YOU SEE IN A CLASSIC POP VIDEO BUT SUNG -
   Enjoyed this very literal version of Bonnie
   Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The Heart. This is the
   kind of thing someone would do with AI now and
   it would be 100x more shit, doing this by hand,
   with thought in every moment is what makes art
   sing.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT? Always a good
   week when Neal Dotfun makes a new thing.  In a
   similar format to his password game, you must
   solve increasingly annoying CAPTCHAs to prove
   that you're not a bloody robot. Turns out that
   episode of South Park where the kids use
   Minecraft knowledge to block the adults is
   accurate, as we cannot get past the pesky
   CRAFTCHA round.
 https://neal.fun/not-a-robot/
   * FUCKING HELL MORE WORD PUZZLES - W*r*le of the
   week is this simple puzzle in which you must
   turn the letters off in order to find the other
   words. Simple enough to not have to think too
   hard, whilst hard enough to stop your mind
   wandering back onto the day's horrors, so one of
   those games which is probably good for you and
   not just procrastination, honest.
 https://puzzle-brothers.boondoggle.studio/puzzles/...
   * CAN YOU FOOL YOUR EYES WITH CIRCLES MADE OF
   LINES? Turns out a circle doesn't actually have
   no sides, or infinity sides.  It has approx 30
   sides, and this site proves it. If our teachers
   lied to us about this, what else did they lie to
   us about, David Icke?
 https://antced.github.io/its-a-circle/
   * TWO PIXEL HIGH FONT - Neat idea here, someone
   has made a stupidly small font, that's almost
   readable if you try hard enough. There will
   certainly be someone who will read this and then
   use it for styling up their bandcamp release of
   sci-fi bollocks synth noise.
 https://joefatula.com/twoslice.html
   * TECHNOLOGY IS VAPID - You know all those
   stinky strawberry vapes that people bin every
   day? Turns out they are powerful enough to run a
   webserver. Future generations scrabbling in the
   dirt for food will weep for the waste we make.
 https://bogdanthegeek.github.io/blog/projects/vape...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Children's TV At The Movies
   At 141 images - Children's TV At The Movies is
   probably the most popular challenge of modern
   b3ta times. Although, to be fair, maybe it's
   because it generated a fair few reposts. Our
   favs included:
   * Apparently Kate Bush's most popular song is
   now Army Dreamers because of some TikTok stuff,
   anyway, happy to see the great Kate matched with
   the best kids TV show ever loved by parents
   here. Thanks HappyToast.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11421108
   * Monkeon is riffing on the film version of
   Walter Tevis's 1963 novel, which if you haven't
   read it, we recommend, and the spiritual sequel,
   Mockingbird.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11421316
   * And a nod to Razzle for referencing this
   fantastic film, and if you want to stay happy,
   don't read how it panned out for the writer of
   this movie, and her family.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11421182
   See all 141 images here, will we ever climb such
   heights again?
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/childrenstvatthemovies/...
   >> NEW CHALLENGE: Happy Birthday Mario <<
   Everyone's favourite Italian plumber turned 40
   this week, so let's plug Mario Paint into our
   SNES and make some pictures to celebrate Mario
   and the Mushroom Kingdom gang.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/happybirthdaymario/popu...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS
   What happened next on previous stories
   * TORY B3TA INFALTRATION - You might remember
   Bagpuss and his various contributions to the
   B3ta newsletter over the last few years, turns
   out the Conservative Party were paying attention
   and they offered him a job to help keep Sunak in
   power, and.... he strung them along for a laugh.
   Full story here:
 https://bsky.app/profile/bagpuss.org/post/3lt4w7vs...
   * THE ONE PULL UP CHALLENGE NEARS CONCLUSION -
   Pig Face Turnip tells us, "10 days left to do
   this one pull up, or I have to get a crap tat.
   I"ve never been so committed to something so
   seemingly pathetic and I"m not sure which way
   it"s going to go as I can"t seem to lift myself
   from a dead hang"
 https://b3ta.com/links/Will_the_Mrs_agree_to_help_...
   * OK THESE JUST MAKE NO SENSE BUT PEOPLE DO
   WRITE SOME CRAP IN THE FORM - PeenieCopter
   writes, "My penis helicopter is better than your
   penis helicopter. Don't agree? Show me yours
   then I'll show you mine." And iyadeazzaoui
   writes, "I wanna fireman Sam get goes in fluid
   of water." What?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas for you to try
   * BBC RADIO NEWS BLOCKER - we know it wouldn't
   solve the problem in a political sense, but for
   our own sanity, can some coder please write a
   hack for BBC Sounds 6 Music that makes it play
   another indie pop classic instead of whatever
   Nigel Farage / Trump / Musk is saying now?
   * INVENT NEW BRITISH DINNERS - we invented a new
   meal last night, it's called Deconstructed Full
   English Breakfast For Dinner: Quattro Samwaggi
   Edition. Fried mushroom sandwich, Fried egg
   sandwich, Sausage sandwich, Bacon sandwich.
   Might sound like a lot of sandwiches, but each
   one is split in two, to serve two. It's fucking
   glorious.
   * A PLOT TO REMOVE RASPUTIN - Can't everyone
   around McSweeney just hum The Sweeney theme tune
   under their breath when he walks in until he
   cracks and quits?
   Oh come on, make some stuff, life is short,
   create.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
   Remember: it still counts as listening if you
   read the paper version of the audiobook.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Eggs - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
   double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
   Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
   Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
   YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
   AND new thanks to atomic.
   Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "TERRY AND JUNE REBOOT" FESSHOLE
   "If my wife is taking too long on the toilet, I
   log into our router and enable a blocklist to
   stop traffic from Tumblr, Instagram and AO3.
   Guaranteed I'll hear a flush in under a minute.
   I then disable the list as soon as I hear her
   washing her hands. She has no idea."

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   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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