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   NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT HANGS ENGLAND FLAGS ON YOUR VPN FOR A
   PATRIOTIC WANK IN 'BELGIUM'"
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 * CHALLENGE - Sci-fi food is popular and good
 * CLOCK - tell the time using Pong
 * ACTUALLY OK HEADLINES QUIZ - if you can be arsed
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the web in
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  a roundabout way, sorta,
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  if you squint a bit"
 B3ta email newsshitter 958 - 29th Aug 2025
 Sing this issue to the tune of Cageny & Lacey:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue958
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making their neighbours move out
   * WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S PONG O CLOCK - Kevin
   Doyle has made a Pong Clock, that's terribly
   clever as it plays the game to keep exact score
   with the time. He tells us, "Long overdue update
   to my original Pong Clock. I have added an
   enter/exit full screen button* so the clock can
   be used in kiosk mode like an actual clock. If
   you want to?" Makes us wonder about a speaking
   pong clock "It's 7'o'clock and very smelly"
 https://bigjobby.com/pong/
   * LET'S PARTY IN A DUNGEON WITH THE COOL KIDS -
   willgrant writes, "hello i made a dungeon
   crawler and it's awful but great at the same
   time. Get 20 artifacts and you win and you can
   screen-cap it and brag about it on your fascist
   social network of choice." Will, how dare you,
   Club Penguin is not fascist (not unless you know
   the right penguins).
 https://wgx.github.io/dungeon16px/
   * SAVE THE WHALES - B3tan Quentin Devine is
   making a massive portrait of Sir David
   Attenborough to raise money for the World Wide
   Fund for Nature. It's quite the undertaking and
   it's worth checking out all the photos and press
   coverage on his instagram account. And if you
   fancy donating, you can find the justgiving link
   there too.
 https://www.instagram.com/quentin_devine/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Clothes and stuff you know?
 
   Each week we write new copy begging you to buy
   stuff from Hebtro, and we make sure it's new
   copy so that your eyes don't totally glaze over
   seeing the same ad every week. You know the
   score, all made in the UK, to the highest
   standards, built to last and ideal as gifts for
   the gentleman in your life. How's that, are you
   going to buy some now? THANK YOU.
 https://hebtro.co/new/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your fesses, fessed up once again
   So apparently we started a Google form and asked
   you to confess stuff and 300,000 submissions
   later we're still doing it, so here's some ones
   that amused us this week:
   * STAR TREK 4 - "Accidentally fingered a dolphin
   in Mexico during a dolphin encounter swim. I'm
   blind as fuck without glasses. We were told we
   could touch its belly button. Turns out I was
   touching its vagina. It wouldn't leave me alone
   so we had to get out the water and end the
   experience."
   * SOME SORT OF FEEL GOOD MOVIE WITH A MORAL -
   "When you are out try saying hello to random
   people you walk past. I started doing it two
   years ago and it changed my life. I went from
   being a depressed loner to now having a
   girlfriend and a group of mates I go open water
   swimming with on weekends."
   * KARMA CUM MILLION - "Husband kept mentioning a
   threesome. Finally I agreed and had a woman in
   mind from a class at my gym. I started chatting
   and flirting with her to find the right time to
   ask. So far we've been on 5 dates and had a
   couple sleep overs. I'm yet to mention my
   husband or the threesome."
   Follow the account that only has followers coz -
   what bullshit lie shall we say this week?
   Because you've all mistaken it for that account
   that posts photographs of jobbies in the bog and
   pretends that they're on tour with Bono.
 https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
   Come to the shows. Leeds, Worthing, Diss,
   Liverpool. As the lyrics to M's Pop Music should
   have been.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   Ah and now is the time to buy the books, the
   link takes you to a search which finds them on
   Amazon, plus any other books that are stupid
   enough to have the same title. It's a nice
   racket linking out to Amazon as the referral
   scheme earns us up to £25 a month, which we're
   planning to spend on that Dean Gaffney clock, if
   they're still selling that.
 https://amazon.co.uk/s
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Your website type-ins for ZX81 User this week
   * HEADLINE QUIZ BOLLOCKS - The parade of
   post-W****e daily games continues, this one
   taunting the NYT by using their headlines as
   questions. It's the missing words round from
   Have I Got News For You, but without the
   specialist publications or responsibility for
   Boris Johnson's rise.
 https://play-headlines.deno.dev/
   * EMAIL OR EFAIL - An impossible geek quiz with
   a single question - is this email address valid?
   Even your nerdiest mates will fail, though will
   probably get themselves a "cool" new address
   after playing it.
 https://e-mail.wtf/
   * THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELL AI - A deep dive into
   whether Will Smith's concert footage is AI or
   not. Actually pretty fascinating - it's not AI -
   but the tools his people are using on it are,
   hence the confusion. Don't go near slop, kids.
 https://waxy.org/2025/08/will-smiths-concert-crowd...
   * KEEPING TABS ON OLD LINKS - A browser
   extension that adds dust to old tabs and allows
   you to blow dust from them. Fuck knows why
   people have so many old tabs open, just fucking
   don't do it ok?
 https://chromewebstore.google.com/detail/gathering...
   * MEGAPHONES ARE COOL MUM - There aren't many
   good uses of AI but this is nice. It's a loud
   speaker that takes your input - that is you
   speaking - and then shouts it out in a sarcastic
   voice. Maybe someone could make a reverse
   version of this to help fix that old Mary
   Whitehouse sketch with shit AI.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/DNygzDIZKTT/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   'Cartoon Characters on Holiday' results
   It's summer holiday time, so we asked you to
   show us what your favourite cartoon and comic
   characters are getting up to on their getaways.
   Our favs included:
   * 'Octo' has contemplated how Scooby Doo might
   enjoy his holidays, and it looks like he's
   having a lovely time.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11420151
   * 'HappyToast' is making us sing the theme to
   Inspector Gadget, and you too, it'll be in your
   head now, all weekend.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11420172
   * 'Monkeon' has reminded us that Bananaman
   exists, and how we pine for the Bananaverse that
   would exist if Britain had any cultural power in
   movies.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11420348
   See all the results over on B3ta dot com before
   Keir Starmer shuts us down for scaring the
   children.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/cartooncharactersonholi...
   * THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE - SCI-FI FOOD, Show us
   the future of food, or just Photoshop a carrot
   into Star Wars. This week, we're mashing up
   sci-fi and grub. Over 100 entries so far, so
   this is looking like it'll be a classic B3ta
   challenge, like your mum used to make before she
   gave up photoshop and started shouting at
   hotels.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/scififood/popular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS
   What happened next old old stories
   * EASTENDERS ZOMBIE FOLLOW UP - Back in issue
   236 we helped launch Cyriaks 'Beastenders' video
   and 19 years later we can tell you that YouTube
   has deleted it. Cyriaks writes, "Lol. Youtube
   removed my zombie eastenders video for
   'revelling in or mocking the death or serious
   injury of an identifiable individual'. I could
   tell them those are fictional characters and
   that the video was commissioned by the BBC, but
   their entire appeal process is 'click this
   button to appeal'" Still if you want to watch
   it, you can watch it from Cyriak's Google Drive:
 https://drive.google.com/file/d/16C5FI_2rtD8ph5xz9...
   * NO NO NO THAT'S NOT WHAT WE ASKED FOR - Mr
   Beefheart writes, "As requested, here is a link
   to a csv file listing just south of 40k British
   placenames (sourced from an ONS list) with their
   names all in reverse on the left. Happy
   sniffing." MATE. This is hilarious. We didn't
   ask for this. We asked "please do an exhaustive
   search of every place name in the UK to find any
   others." Lol. Still, if anyone else can be arsed
   to page through this and find something funny
   then give it a go.
 https://purple-gertie-73.tiiny.site/csv/SEMANECALP...
   * BAD (PERVERT) DINOSAURS - also sort of amusing
   is this mum reacting to Joel Veitch and Natt
   Tapley's dinosaur show on NetFlix. You'll have
   to click through from B3ta to watch the Reddit
   video, but we're linking to the B3ta link, so
   that Joel's response is left in. The official
   B3ta view is that these two aren't weirdo dino
   fetishists, but are trying to make you laugh.
   Sheesh. It's jokes.
 https://b3ta.com/links/1626090
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to kick you off
 
   Ok, sometimes we write this bit carefully, and
   note down day dreams we have about projects in
   the week. And other times, well, we're just
   going to pick a random book off the shelf and
   see if we can use it to inspire three projects.
   Ok, fingers crossed: OK, it's Tony McCarroll's
   The Truth "My Life as Oasis's Drummer"
   * THE WIT AND WISDOM OF BONEHEAD - there's a
   funnyish bit where Bonehead bullies Simon Le Bon
   by pointing out that his surname is a bit like
   having a half-erect penis or a 'lob on'. Could
   you catalogue all Bonehead's witticisms?
   * THERE'S PROBABLY A ONE OFF PODCAST in a close
   reading of this book to list out every single
   bit of snide that Tony throws at Noel. Our faves
   include pointing out that he used to sniff glue
   and fell out a tree and that he rates himself a
   better drummer than Ringo. Lol.
   * NOPE WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET TO THREE THIS WAY,
   hmm, what's Guardian banging on about, can we
   get a project out of that? Yes we can - start a
   t-shirt company exclusively printing things that
   aren't the proscribed organisation. Yes, we know
   about the Plasticine Action one but what about
   Palestine Acton for our West London fans?
   Go on, make something and tell us:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Do do do do do do doo
   (dih-doo) - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
   double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
   Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
   Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
   YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
   AND new thanks to atomic.
   Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "THIS TRIGGERED THE WANKERS" FESSHOLE
   "My dad suddenly seemed so detached from reality
   I honestly couldn't tell if it was dementia or a
   psychotic break. But after sitting near a bunch
   of far right knobbeads in the pub a lightbulb
   went off in my brain and I disabled GB News on
   his telly. Sorted."

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   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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