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   NEWSLETTER: "JACK, I WANT YOU TO DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH URLS"
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 * RHYMING FILMS - image challenge results
 * ENTER YOUR WEBSITE - the littlest awards around
 * BUY 'MATT ROUND' MERCH - you lucky lucky people
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by telling our kids
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  what spacer.gif does"
 B3ta e-snailmail newsletter 950 - 13th June 2025
 Read this issue out loud, like your own podcast:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue950
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making origami tributes to Fred West
   * OH GOD WHAT IS THIS? - Si Bennett has made a
   singing chicken thing in a bin and it's a bit
   weird but the high energy keeps it entertaining.
 https://b3ta.com/links/an_experiment:2
 
   * ENTER YOUR WEBSITE TO THE TINY AWARDS - each
   year Matt Muir and his chums ask you to submit
   your small internet projects to his award to
   celebrate creativity outside platforms and AI.
   This year your newsletter editor is one of the
   guest judges, so make sure you enter your stuff
   as we can fix it so you win. No, we're not meant
   to say that apparently, and anyway, we're only
   one vote in ten so we probably can't really make
   Joel Veitch win everything like it's 2002 or
   something.
 https://tinyawards.net/
   * BUY 'MATT ROUND' MERCH - the roundest of all
   Matts writes, "main thing I've launched this
   week is a gift shop of novelty tat, the
   Styscraper magnets have been popular today."
   Hmm, what merch would we like to buy? Matt,
   please make fridge magnets of your own face with
   some of your notable quotes like "no, I'm not
   doing that Rob" and "that's already in my list
   of ideas actually". Plus a t-shirt saying "Matt
   Round - he's glossy and thin."
 https://vole.wtf/gift-shop/
   * LOCATIONx6 - The house-nonce TV show
   'Location, Location, Location' is 25 years old,
   and Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer have helped
   – or hindered – hundreds of hapless homebuyers.
   Dave Bagpuss has taken this opportunity to fuck
   with a few clips to make some lols. Also big up
   the Bagpuss coz he's been helping us with
   Fesshole shenanigans this week, do click his
   stuff and follow him everywhere.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Location_Location_Location_...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Treat yourself with some new clothes
   If you're a regular newsletter reader - and lets
   face it, who the fuck starts reading b3ta in
   2025, you're probably an old reader - you know
   the score with this bit. We tell you that Hebtro
   clothes are great, long lasting, and all made in
   the UK. And you buy some and Hebtro don't cancel
   the Patreon payments. So dig in ok? Ideal as
   presents. Ideal as a gift for yourself. Ideal as
   a way to support B3ta and British industry.
 https://hebtro.co/new/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your fesses fessed up for content reasons
   Did you know that the fundamental reason for
   Fesshole existing is that the B3ta newsletter
   needs repeatable bits? We experimented with a
   few ideas and Fesshole was the one that stuck,
   and then accidentally became more famous than
   the newsletter. Not the worst problem to have
   but it's a bit like wanting to have a few
   sausages for dinner and then owning a pig farm.
   Our favs this week:
   * DOGGY STYLE! "Our kids are 9 and 10. We got a
   puppy. I wanted to call him Gerald but they
   insisted on calling him Raw so they can yell
   'Rawdog!' in the park. I am at a loss as to how
   we got here."
   * CHUGGERS DRINKS SLOPS! "Years ago, my wife and
   I did Weight Watchers. We both lost weight, but
   she was upset that I was losing it faster. When
   I was close to my target weight, I spent a
   couple of weeks chugging down thickshakes to
   make sure she got there first."
   * SEXY TIME! "Boyfriend has been on about having
   a threesome for ages. I finally agreed and said
   I'd organise it. Saturday night we're booked
   into an anonymous hotel twenty miles away. Can't
   wait to see his face when his mate Steve knocks
   on the door."
   Normally we tell you to follow on BlueSky, but
   our news this week is Bagpuss (as mentioned in
   the top bit of the newsletter) has helped us
   with the API on Threads so now Threads also gets
   the full Fesshole experience. Personally, we
   know almost no one on Threads but the account is
   oddly popular there with loads of followers and
   healthy replies. So if that's your social
   network of choice, get in there. One day we hope
   to get Instagram working properly too as that's
   where normal people use the internet and we'd
   like to reach a few normal people and tell them
   about horrible grotty men pissing in sinks.
 https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
   Right, do buy the tickets. Shows in Leeds, Diss,
   Worthing and Liverpool. You'll have a good time.
   If you dig around on the tickets site there's a
   'reviews of previous shows' bit where people
   who've actually bought tickets, and seen it for
   real, say nice things.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   Buy the book that thankfully wasn't published by
   Unbound, so it's still in print and we're not
   pulling our hair out.
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Post these on BowieNet for a Sailor's thumbs up
   * BURST YOUR BUBBLE - Relaxing casual game based
   on popping bubble wrap.  Mute the
   inappropriately energetic soundtrack, put on
   some new-age ambience instead, and get
   a-popping.
 https://qaqelol.itch.io/dooots
   * MINECRAFT WITHOUT CODE - The increasingly
   small group of HTML nerds who don't think
   everything has to be JavaScript have been blown
   away by this bit of coding in which you can
   build a little Minecraft garden in HTML and CSS
   alone.
 https://chenxuuu.github.io/CSS-Minecraft/
   * IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, HAVE A LEMON PARTY -
   At last, a sequel to 1973's Lemonade Stand. 
   Sadly Reaganomics have come along since then, so
   good luck running an ethical business. Hopefully
   someone will do a demake and get it running on a
   chunky 70s IBM Mainframe where it belongs.
 https://donlatino.itch.io/you-were-just-selling-le...
   * NONCEOGRAMS - Collaboratively solving every
   5x5 nonogram. Maybe you don't know what a
   nonogram is and this is our opportunity to
   educate you. It's when you're really sick of
   people giving you weights in ounces and pounds.
 https://pixelogic.app/every-5x5-nonogram#15650001
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Results from 'film rhymes'
   Last week we asked you to find words that sound
   a bit like the names of movies and photoshop the
   results, hopefully for comedy effect, but you
   never really know, trust the process and see
   what comes out. Nearly 120 entries so clearly
   you enjoyed yourselves, and here's a few of our
   favs:
   * Monkeon remains a genius, and his genius is
   that he thinks of a rhyme, realises and then
   puts an extra joke on it. This is, in the words
   of people who do comedy bollocks, 'a topper'
 https://b3ta.com/board/11418354
   * Ah fuck it, we'll give Monkeon a second win
   because we love this movie and it's much better
   than what we imagined, which would have been
   more along the lines of 'Beef Encouter'
 https://b3ta.com/board/11418192
   * And a coveted third/turd place to Ninj with
   his work in the toilet freshening department
 https://b3ta.com/board/11418366
   See them all over on our internet website:
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/filmrhymes/popular/
   So you want to know about this week's challenge
   do you? Ok, it's a TOAP (Text On A Picture)
   challenge with writing 'self-sabotage books'
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/theselfsabotageindustry...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : ASK B3TA
   We're rebooting Ask Jeeves, a question at a time
   Willboase writes, "A while ago (probably early
   2018) you shared a link to an article about how
   small decisions have outsized consequences. I
   think at the time you even put a note saying
   that it was uncharacteristically sincere for a
   b3ta link. Anyway, long story short, it caused
   me to quit smoking, get married, change my job
   and move to a different continent but for the
   life of me I can't find it again. Any ideas?
   Keep up the good work etc."
   Unsure what this might be to be honest, we
   wondered if it could be this 'Wait, but why?'
   piece that a lot of people found inspirational
   but probably not. Still, worth a read,
 https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html
   If you've got a question for B3ta, then who the
   hell knows if we'll be able to answer, but we
   won't confidently make stuff up like AI.
 http://b3ta.com/mailus
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to start you off
   * MEDUSA TOUCH THE COMPUTER GAME - Your face via
   a webcam, overlayed with a cityscape and a plane
   going from left to right. Pulling a really
   stressy face for several seconds pulls the plane
   down to crash the plane. Probably bad taste this
   week, maybe launch it in a couple of weeks.
   * READER REQUEST - Daddyswank asks, "I would
   like to play a game as the Pope in the
   Popemobile." So would we, although we'd like a
   version where you could run into the crowd, maim
   a few people, and then explore the complex PR
   implications out as a simulation.
   * REAL FOOTBALL SIMULATION GAME - which
   accurately simulates the experience of being a
   football fan, do you invest your money in a
   dodgy firestick or do you go broke buying a
   season ticket? Do you bore on to all your
   dwindling friends about the great football
   podcast you listen to, or do you prefer to hang
   on on a football forum and bully the newbies
   that try and join in instead? Do you hide in the
   attic playing Kevin Tom's Football Manager on
   your ZX Spectrum emulator, or do you secretly
   prefer Software Star etc.
   Tell us about your stuff ok?
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (yamma banana - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
   double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
   Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
   Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
   YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
   AND new thanks to atomic.
   Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "UNCHARACTERISTICALLY SINCERE" FESSHOLE
   "I've just done a roughly one min task that I've
   been putting off for about two weeks and has
   been eating away at my sanity, sleep and nerves.
   I feel completely relieved. If you see this,
   it's your sign to do that thing you've been
   putting off."

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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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