we love the web
    
   email us
   go to messageboard newsletter archive home
   NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER ACCEPTS KNIGHTHOOD DESPITE DESCRIBING HOUSE OF
   LORDS AS 'SMELLING OF PISS'"
   next issue »
   « previous issue

 * GAME - Incredibly Shrinking Goalie
 * KUNT AND THE GANG - Foul song, shock
 * CHALLENGE - De-Americanise Movies, results
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're saving the web
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  by telling cats & dogs 
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| that websites still exist"
 B3ta e-newsletter-e-mail 948 - 23rd May 2025
 Read this issue to an AI version of your dead pets:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue948
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making fart noises on their forearms
   * INCREDIBLE SHRINKING GOALIE - Matt Round has
   made a new game where you play a football goalie
   and you get smaller and smaller and smaller.
   It's like a metaphor for keeping internet
   projects going whilst the cash coming in gets
   lower and lower and lower.
 https://vole.wtf/goalie/
   * SIMPSONS KOPYRIGHT LIBERATION FRONT - Bagpuss
   writes, "I made a new thing. Hourly Simpsons is
   a Bluesky account that posts a random frame from
   a random Simpsons episode (until season 15)  on
   the hour, every hour. I think it's quite cute."
   Makes us imagine a horrible version of this
   where it's mashed up with captions from
   something else, what would be good? Fesshole
   confessions?
 https://bsky.app/profile/hourlysimpsons.bagpuss.or...
   * 50 THINGS YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT TO STOP YOU
   DOING YOUR BEANS - Kunt and the Gang writes,
   "Inspired by Godley and Creme's Cry and Michael
   Jackson's Black or White, this is our shallow
   fake video to help anyone suffering from
   premature ejaculation." Certainly looking at
   Kunt's face is not stopping us from orgasming,
   in fact just the opposite.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * BECOME A GENIUS IN A YEAR - mikeisbrill
   writes, "I have written another book for
   children. It's published by Harper Collins
   Children's Books and will take any child from a
   run-of-the-mill, intellectual civilian to a
   full-on cerebral powerhouse capable of
   absolutely anything. It's pretty much a bumper
   book of facts with a few basic magic tricks and
   a bunch of enjoyable self-aggrandising thrown
   in. It's excellent and everyone should buy it."
   Go on, buy Mike's book, if only because he's
   been posting on B3ta for 20 odd years and has a
   lovely red beard like your own pet Viking to
   show for it.
 http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000875618...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Buy some clothes to end your nakedness
   Hebtro makes clothes and sponsors B3ta. So we
   mention them every week and tell you that their
   clothes are designed to last, are made in the UK
   and are worth the few quid extra that they cost
   because fashion shouldn't be fast. Also you
   probably will get lots of attention by looking
   really cool.
 https://hebtro.co/new/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your fesses fessed up like Death vomiting bones
   Each week you spin your lies into a Google form
   and the cops ask Google to share the IP
   addresses of the dodgier ones and we publish the
   others:
   * CHEATING ON MY WIFE - "When my wife is away I
   let our cat stay out all night. It's a kind of
   understanding we have. He gives me a little look
   and I'm like yes buddy go for it. I see him in
   the morning at breakfast - none the worse for
   wear. Then when she's back he stays in overnight
   again."
   * TICK TICK TICK BOOM - "I've automated a
   process at work that a colleague had been doing
   manually because they are on annual leave and I
   could not be arsed with it. How this affects
   their employment when they return might be
   awkward."
   * PROBABLY TRUE - "Photographer here. I do a few
   weddings. Every time I take a picture of an
   over-80, I frame it so it will look great on
   their coffin. Quite a few have ended up there
   over the years, I've been told."
   Follow the account that has more followers than
   Simon Le Bon, and is just as likely to have done
   nothing good since 1985:
 https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
   * COME TO THE SHOWS: Leeds - Hifi Club - 24th
   July, Diss - Corn Hall - 10th Sept, Worthing -
   Factory Live - 15th Oct, Liverpool - Hot Water
   Comedy - 12th Nov. Do come, coz we like doing
   live shows, it means your editor can see bits of
   the country he's not seen before and have a few
   pints with strangers. That's the point of doing
   gigs isn't it? It is for us anyway.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   And you might as well buy the books that some
   random fucker on Amazon has said, "all carefully
   curated that it never gets too dark, and will
   normally raise a smile", same about your mum
   mate.
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Your 'peeks and pokes' for Netscape.BAS
   * EXPERIMENTAL DRUM MACHINE TIME, NO, COME BACK
   THIS IS GOOD - This site promises 10,000 drum
   machines. Thankfully it's not just AI churning
   out endless badly-coded ones, though the artisan
   approach does mean they've only managed eight so
   far, the typing one being the best. Love this.
 https://10kdrummachines.com
   * OLD INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE - Would you like to
   surf the ancient web? Well given you're reading
   B3ta, it's not unlikely. To shit on our own
   doorstep, we've got mixed feelings about old
   internet nostalgia - if you think the web is
   crap now, then make some good stuff ok? Be the
   change you want to see maaaaan.
 https://wiby.me/
   * REALISTIC THIN WHITE DUKE SIMULATOR - Why not
   pretend you're David Bowie in The Man Who Fell
   To Earth by watching this wall of TVs
   livestreaming from around the world whilst
   getting utterly bladdered in your long johns.
 https://tvwall.live/
   * GLOBAL WARMING IS FUN OK - Lean into your
   climate anxiety with this meditation app
   designed to make you come away feeling even 
   more hopeless about the world. Maybe this time
   THE SATIRES will make a difference.
 https://oilwell.app/
   * BABY CRAWL - The Japanese are now racing
   little-uns. Good for them: everyone should race
   babies, they're not hard to beat.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Racing_from_Japan_pick_your...
   * CHARACTER MODE ARCADE GAME - This text mode
   scrolling shooter is oddly beautiful - it's
   basically Xevious rendered on a typewriter.
   Can't truly do justice to this whole project
   here but if you want to go down a rabbit hole,
   there's 11 or so retro games by the same author
   and all have interesting details.
 https://bbcmicro.co.uk/jsbeeb/play.php
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   De-Americanise Movies
   In pure numbers one of our more popular
   challenges of recent times, with 130 entries,
   maybe the anti-American sentiment hits a nerve.
   This newsletter has always been distinctly
   British - not in a Nigel Farage kinda way - but
   more that it's more interesting to make stuff
   that genuinely is part of our own culture,
   rather than being a version of ourselves that
   might sell in America. Notting Hill is a fun
   film, but it's not a film Britain would have
   made if it wasn't trying to package itself up to
   sell abroad. Anyway, some favs this week:
   * Monkeon continues to be Britain's most
   unrecognised (except by B3tans) genius. He
   should tour his photoshops around stadiums.
   We're not even joking, although there would be
   plenty of jokes:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11417709
   * Octo made us laugh here, and we will point out
   that Hitchcock was British and the short story
   this film was based on was also written by the
   British Daphne du Maurier, but yeah, financed by
   Hollywood, and we lost Hitchcock to Hollywood
   dammit.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11417621
   * Ninj of course just makes us laugh. We can't
   really claim Kubrick as secretly British,
   although he did live here and film this film
   here, apparently through some combination of tax
   breaks, disliking flying and wanting to make
   movies away from Hollywood interfering.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11417568
   * See all the other images from the
   'De-Americanise Movies' challenge:
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/deamericanisemovies/popu...
   >> This week: Desecrate A Landmark <<
   This week we're asking you to desecrate
   landmarks. Well, fuck around using Photoshop, as
   cutting down a tree that everyone loves isn't
   actually a thing you should do in real life, but
   it can be amusing to think about. That's where
   you went wrong, lads.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/desecratealandmark/popul...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
   Yes, it's 'what happened next'
   * BUS FEEDBACK - pgl writes, "Loved the site
   showing the busiest bus stops in London. I live
   in Kingston, and a stop here (Eden Street D2) is
   the 15th busiest, which I found mildly
   interesting. I submitted it to my local news
   website and it actually got published - local
   news at its finest, and the highlight of my
   week. Also shows I need to get my laptop space
   bar fixed. Unfortunately this means I am now a
   legit journalist and shall have to buy a
   vertical ring notepad, and a pencil to put
   behind my ear."
 https://kingston.nub.news/news/local-news/eden-str...
   * SUBMIT YOUR SHEDS - Andrew Wilcox writes,
   "Only a few days left to enter Shed of the year
   2025. You lot are leaving it late. WIN 1000 and
   Cuprinol product." Blimey, can we have some
   Cuprinol as we're plugging this? We're missing
   out of stuff to huff since we've given up the
   glue.
 https://www.readersheds.co.uk/shedme.cfm
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   The bit where we make up imaginary projects
 
   * ROTTEN TOMS DOT COM - Parse Amazon for bad
   reviews of things written by people called Tom.
   Present it in a Rotten Tomato style interface.
   * JUST LOOK AT THESE TOSSERS - Just a coin
   tosser, user has the guess heads or tails and
   see how long a run you can do. Nothing clever,
   but here's the twist: The webcam films your face
   while you do it. Spools to local drive the data.
   If your run is higher than any other run then it
   uploads to the central computer and people can
   watch the longest run. My hunch is that watching
   long runs might be fun with people getting
   excited. And with enough people playing, there
   will be some long runs.
   * NO, WE'RE NOT PLAYING THAT - A data project
   for someone. Compare the songs a band plays
   (setlist dot fm) vs what the public play
   (spotify) coz if they're wildly different then
   that's a band who has a problem with how the
   public see them.
   Go on, tell us about your projects, because
   that's how the newsletter works.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (did my poo - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
   double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
   Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
   Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
   YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
   AND new thanks to atomic.
   Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "COLD REVENGE" FESSHOLE
   "Aged 5, my nephew was in a famous TV ad. I was
   unfavourably compared to him thereafter. His
   parents tried and failed to propel the horrible
   little shit to stardom. Fucking delighted that
   he went nowhere. Anyway, 4 decades on, glad to
   get that off my chest."

   next issue »
   « previous issue
   Newsletter
   We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net.

   _____________________ [ go ]
   --------------------
   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
   --------------------

   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

   READ LATEST ISSUE
   archive