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 * USELESS CLOCK - that tells time in QR codes
 * OTHER USELESS CLOCK - that tells time in swears
 * NOT A CLOCK - Kids TV challenge results
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by reminding you other
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| websites exist, sorta"
 B3ta 937 - 14th Feb 2025
 Read this issue using 1k of speech synthesis
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue937
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making their kids embarrassed
   * SHEDS SHEDS SHEDS - Uncle Wilco tells us that
   his 'shed of the year' competition is open for
   entries again. He's also added your newsletter
   editor into a list on social media of "people he
   suspects own a shed" and he's WRONG. However if
   you do own a shed, do enter, coz you might win
   your own weight in Cuprinol, or something,
   enough to drink yourself blind at least.
 https://unclewilco.substack.com/p/cuprinol-shed-of...
   * SWEARCLOCK ON BLUESKY - in our mission to
   slowly remove ourselves from the clutches of
   Elon's fascism machine, we've got Swearclock
   working on the better social network. It's also
   actually working 24 hours a day, unlike the
   Twitter one, which stopped working for some
   reason and we couldn't be arsed to work out why.
   Abandon all clocks now etc.
 https://bsky.app/profile/swearclock.bsky.social
   * TV BOLLOCKS - Dave Bagpuss writes, "For 14
   long winters, Death In Paradise has been
   formulaically entertaining (or infuriating)
   sun-starved viewers with its cosy murder mystery
   shenanigans. I've condensed an average series
   down to about a minute long." Nope, we've never
   seen this show either, and thankfully, now we
   don't have to.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Death_In_Paradise_Condensed
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Buy some clothes OK?
   Listen up B3tans, if you want newsletters to
   turn up, you need to support our sponsor Hebtro.
   They make clothing in the UK to the highest
   standard, so the pricing reflects how long
   they'll last. Also they're good eggs, unlike
   whichever Cryptobro is fucking your economy this
   week. Dig in.
 https://hebtro.co/new/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Confessions fessed up the old fashioned way
   Every so often some wanker tells us that they
   could train AI on Fesshole and supply the same
   job as our method of getting thousands of people
   to do it for real. Yeah, but it would be
   soulless crap and who wants to read what a
   computer thinks? We do it properly, like your
   mum did in the 1970s. Now, here's our fav three
   this week.
   * SHITS - "One of my mates, growing up, thought
   he would be funny and do a shite in a urinal at
   the cinema. I alerted a member of staff, who
   said they'd call the police unless he removed
   it. They didn't even give him gloves so he
   lifted with his bare hands. My prank was funnier
   than his"
   * DOLLS - "Not even had a hint of sex for five
   years. Ordered myself a sex doll off Aliexpress.
   Just arrived home to a soggy battered box with a
   doll's head sticking out on my doorstep, think
   I'm going to have to move."
   * ACCENTS - "Wife is lovely but is awful with
   accents. She told our Irish builder that she
   turned down a good quote to do our front garden
   because the guy was Irish. When he was done I
   gave him £50 extra and told him she has learning
   difficulties. Not the first time I've had to do
   this."
   Follow the account that has 1/10th the followers
   on BlueSky than Twitter but is morally purer for
   it.
 https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
   ** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
   Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
   Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
   Tiverton - Comedy Hall - 5th July 2025
   BTW: Last week we played Leicester and had a
   fucking great time - hope you all enjoyed
   yourselves if you came. If you didn't: fuck you,
   you're not having your money back.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   Buy the books - we actually sold 31 of these at
   the Wolverhampton gig coz Waterstones came down
   with a load of stock. So thank you Waterstones,
   you're alright and we promise to stop
   shoplifting there and only do it at Smiths.
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
   And fuck it, read the interview we did with the
   Wolverhampto paper of record, the Express and
   Star:
 https://www.expressandstar.com/news/2025/01/26/enj...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Your guide to the internet dot web
   * STAR TREK THEME BUT THE ENTERPRISE PLAYS IT -
   Bemajinn writes, "This feels very 'old internet'
   so i thought fellow b3tans would enjoy. This guy
   has done a series of Star Trek intros, but the
   music is being blasted from the ship and can
   only be heard like it's an old crapped out Audi
   warping through Tesco's car park."
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * FUCKING USELESS CLOCK - Always enjoy a novelty
   web clock, the more pointless the better.  This
   one gives you a new QR code every second, so you
   can ignore your phone's clock and scan it to
   find out the time. Probably doesn't do anything
   on the hour but it really should link you a
   random gif of a *Googles what those little guys
   are called* jacquemart as a treat.
 https://qrclock.live/
   * ARE THESE BIRDS MADE-UP? **r*l* of the week is
   this game which asks whether the things in the
   day's category are real or made up.  The
   description makes it sound like one of the
   million AI-or-not games, but it's not. It's
   hand-crafted HTML and therefore not shit.
 https://realbirdfakebird.com/
   * MARIO IS DEAD - Not yet detected by Nintendo's
   cease-and-desist Wario, this Super Mario Bros
   variant asks the important question - what would
   the first level play like if Mario was dead?
 https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/964521
   * BLUEJEWELLED - very entertaining pisstake of
   the old mobile game Bewjewelled apparently
   created by someone fucking with the genuine
   source code. More like this please, this is a
   whole new goldmine for comedy.
 https://brandonhare.itch.io/bluejeweled
   * START YOUR DIVORCE IN STYLE - Blenkwy writes,
   "I"ve found your Valentines card for the wife"
 https://www.thortful.com/card/5a5c9d44e4b03cfd6aad...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Kids TV in History
   Here are the best images from last week:
   * This really would be a better world - thanks
   FUXTIX
 https://b3ta.com/board/11415029
   * Monkeon improves our November traditions
 https://b3ta.com/board/11415070
   * And here's one from Ninj that could be
   forwarded around for years
 https://b3ta.com/board/11415056
   * See all the other images from the 'Kids TV in
   History' challenge:
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvinhistory/popular
   >> This week: Spoonerisms II : Boogtric
   Electraloo <<
   It's been 18 years since our first Spoonerisms
   challenge, so let's celebrate by putting on your
   best Ronnie Barker hat and coming up with a load
   of new ones. Suggested by Ninj & The Twisted
   Omentum.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/spoonerisms2/popular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to start you off
   * WE'RE PUNNING AGAIN - Could you build the
   Feta-Verse and let us walk around as 3D cheeses
   online, whilst we wear those things? Or maybe
   the META-WURST, which is simply a 3D dimension
   rotating sausage with options for adding mustard
   and tumbling, chaotic onions.
   * DARTS SIMULATOR 2000 - Make what looks to be a
   completely straight darts game but leave players
   to discover that you can move your throwing hand
   away from the board and start flinging darts at
   people, beer glasses, pets etc, and they can
   compete for minus points.
   * AI THAT DOES STUFF THAT WE ACTUALLY WANT - you
   know, tidying the house, ironing and putting the
   bins out, not the fun stuff like writing and
   drawing.
   Email us ok?
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I sort of do have a small
   shed, so by extension, so do you)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
   double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
   Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
   Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
   YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
   AND new thanks to atomic.
   Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "NO, YOU'RE CRYING" FESSHOLE
   "My husband takes great pride polishing his
   shoes every night. But he is terrible at it. His
   vision is failing and his hands shake. The
   result is awful. Every night, at some point, I
   get out of bed 'to go to the bathroom'. I take
   his shoes with me. I polish them until they
   shine."

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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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