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   NEWSLETTER: "MAKE YOUR OWN 'I'M A B3TA NEWSLETTER SUBSCRIBER' BADGE AND
   PIN IT ON YOUR C***S"
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 This Week:
 * NEED EUPHEMISMS? - Have we got the thing for you
 * BOVRIL AD - Information for hot meat drink fans
 * LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY - Podcast recommendation
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saying the web by
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | continuing to type shit
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| in instead of using AI"
 B3ta electronic email 924 - 4th October 2024
 Read this issue to your digital pocket-watch:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue924
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making their trousers no longer fit
   * BUY SOME CHRISTMAS CARDS - Chris Barker has
   asked us to ask you to buy his Christmas cards
   and we can't say no because he'll stop helping
   us with our occasional photoshopping requests.
   Still, they're quite nice if you know anyone old
   enough to still preserve the old traditions like
   Christmas, instead of using listlessly paging
   through social media twenty-four hours a day.
 https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1788562146/cezanne...
   * UK RIOT CONVICTIONS ON A MAP - CarCrash has
   been plotting convictions for the UK riots on a
   Google map, "At the moment it has over 370
   people on there but I reckon that will be over
   1,000 by this time next year." Not quite as much
   fun as that map which showed people where to
   find magic mushrooms, but you have to take the
   entertainment you can get these days.
 https://far-rightcriminals.com/uk-riots/
   * EUPHEMISM GENERATOR - Microcastsuk writes, "a
   few months ago I resurrected an old web 1.0
   website called Euphemism Generator if you want
   to link to that? One of my favourites from about
   2004, sadly no longer online. So I figured I'd
   get it back online. I quite like the idea of
   bringing web 1.0 sites back to life." Hey, we
   ARE a web 1.0 site who never went away - don't
   shame us.
 https://euphemismgenerator.com/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   It's time to grab some clothes
   Hebtro make clothes in the UK, to the highest
   standards and built to last, so the prices you
   pay work out great value in the long term. Stock
   up now, coz why not celebrate yourself and buy
   yourself a gift because you ARE worth it.
 https://hebtro.co/new/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   You know, the confessions bit of the newsletter
   We run a horrific account on multiple platforms
   and we're sorry, it's just the penance we have
   to pay for having shit ideas and executing them.
   Some of more tolerable confessions this week
   have been:
   * THAT'S YOU THAT IS - "Used to mock my Dad for
   listening to nothing but 60s radio stations as
   he was missing out on great new music. Just
   realised I now only listen to 90s radio
   stations."
   * ALSO YOU - "Once dated a guy who confided in
   me that he didn't actually like sex all that
   much. Took all the effort I had not to respond
   with 'well, I'm not entirely surprised, Mark,
   the way you're doing it'."
   * PROBABLY NOT YOU - "Whenever I go for a new
   job, the one thing I conveniently leave off my
   CV is the time I got sacked from Kwik Save. I
   worked in the stock room & made a huge fort out
   of toilet rolls & then fell asleep in it."
   Follow the account that only has followers
   because people are scum:
 https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
   Come to the shows, Isle of Wight next. Then
   London, Preston, Wolverhampton. Do come
   actually, it gives your editor a reason to leave
   East Finchley and experience a world outside of
   a Google docs interface.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   Buy the book that's only £3.38 at the time of
   writing this but could be any price between £1
   and £10 when you look because Amazon decides
   prices with a random number generator written in
   Amstrad BASIC.
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   You remember websites, mother?
   * STREET MUSIC - A phone has been left in public
   in San Francisco, and whenever Shazam detects a
   song, it adds it to the playlist. Monkeon tells
   us "I might create something similar to detect
   anyone having a party down my street and
   auto-report them to the council for noise
   pollution."
 https://walzr.com/bop-spotter/
   * MEAT BYPRODUCT ADVERT OF THE WEEK - Maybe
   you've reached the time in your life that you'd
   like to hear a rap about Chicken Bovril? We're
   not even nostalgic for this old ad as we don't
   remember it, but we are amused how fucking
   terrible/amazing it is. Also if you want to go
   down a completely insane rabbit hole, look up
   'Vril' on Wikipedia and learn of the Victoriam
   'life force' cult that gave Bovril its name.
 https://youtu.be/cv9XeuT8As8
   * NOEL EDMONDS IS A VERY WEIRD MAN - the bearded
   moon-orb one is now erecting statues to his own
   battles with the banking system. We're not
   saying Noel is wrong, he's probably got a point
   somewhere in all this, but it has made us wonder
   if all statues are basically the product of rich
   people who just can't let something go.
 https://twitter.com/AccidentalP/status/18421033536...
   * TERMINAL TINDER - Dating and using a computer
   terminal don't usually go together, but this
   site allows you to meet your perfect colour
   scheme by swiping left or right. Or lie to it to
   try and make the algorithm create the ugliest
   scheme you can. We'd quite like a version of
   this that found more pleasant colour schemes for
   old ZX Spectrum games.
 https://terminaltinder.com
   * OLD SCHOOL RAP - If rapping pensioners is your
   bag then these two 70-somethings can drop
   triplets with the best of them. It's probably
   not that extraordinary to see pensioners rap
   given Debbie Harry invented rapping on Rapture
   and she's nearly 80.
 https://b3ta.com/links/You_wish_you_could_drop_lin...
   * SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF BBBBZZZZZTTTT - Turns
   out the buzzsaw sounds of tesla coils is perfect
   to make synth pop. Probably a more exciting
   performance than Dave Stewart is capable of
   these days.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Sparktacular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : READERS RECOMMEND PODCASTS
   'Allo 'Allo with the actual cast
   Dannline writes, "Long long long long time
   subscriber, as we all are. But this is so
   special. Herr Flick, Helga, and Gruber all
   discuss episode by episode of Allo Allo. It's
   just lovely, three actors talking about 1980s
   sitcom making. And of course it's ridiculous."
 https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-qrcby-121bca9
   PS: We're mentioning this because it's a podcast
   with the actual cast in it, rather than two
   blokes who you'd kill yourself rather than sit
   next to in the pub.
   PPS: Your editor spent the week addicted to this
   12 part radio sitcom from 2007 - no come back -
   it's basically a light breezy Radio 4 sitcom
   except for one element to swing it into the
   sublime: the protagonist is an arms dealer. Such
   a clever conceit that they can pull so many gags
   out of, whilst pointing the finger, this is YOU,
   you, dear listener are the apathetic twat who
   says to themselves they're a good person, whilst
   going along with whatever exploitative bullshit
   our entire economy is founded upon. It should be
   more famous and have won all of the awards.
 https://archive.org/details/BBCr4SCatch
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Meaty puns
   In celebration of Keir Starmer demanding that
   Hamas "release the sausages" B3ta has entirely
   pivoted to animal-flesh wordplay.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/meatypuns/popular/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to kick up you in the idea groin
   * A REALISTIC COP DRAMA - One day someone will
   write a realistic police detective show where
   someone reports a crime and the cops give them a
   crime reference number for the insurance and
   that's the end of that other than an email six
   months later asking them to rate their
   satisfaction from 1 to 5.
   * ABBEY ROAD THE COMPUTER GAME - this probably
   works something like Frogger but you have to get
   on the crossing and pose and take a photo before
   getting run over by a fed up cabbie.
   * SEVENTEEN SECONDS THE COMPUTER GAME -
   celebrate the return of The Cure by writing a
   game where Robert Smith challenges you to guess
   exactly how long 17 seconds is in your head, and
   if you get it right he gives you a spider.
   Oh god, email us you scrotes.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Happy Birthday Mum - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
   double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
   Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
   Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
   YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
   AND new thanks to atomic.
   Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "SEXY MAN" FESSHOLE
   "I was stood at the school gates waiting for
   pick up when I saw a parent arriving who looks
   quite a lot like Nigel Farage. I turned to the
   mum next to me and said 'have you noticed the
   Nigel Farage lookalike?' 'That's my husband' she
   said. I can never do the school run again."

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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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