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 This Week:
 * CHALLENGE - Change a letter in a book
 * GREG WALLACE SIMULATOR - CodeMasters for £1.99
 * REMEMBER: FESSHOLE LIVE, Leicester, Sat night
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web so
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the post-apocalyptic
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| society knows shit content"
 B3ta ceefax-email 895 - 9th Feb 2024
 Read this issue on your Amstrad Vision Pro:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue895
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than enshittening their own backsides
   * WHAT IS GREG WALLACE DOING RIGHT NOW? - Mike
   Coates writes, "The moment's probably passed by
   now, but in the midst of all the social media
   pile on this week I built a novelty site that
   will tell you exactly what Gregg Wallace is up
   to based on that ridiculous interview in the
   Telegraph." Nice, we look forward to this
   becoming a major new format that shows you what
   other celebs are doing - like that  ridiculous
   Mark Wahlberg one, and the very different old
   Tom Baker one.
 https://what-is-gregg-wallace-doing.mikecoats.xyz/
   * OUR 'CHANGE A LETTER IN A BOOK' CHALLENGE IS
   DOING WELL - we're always happy when a challenge
   gets over 100 entries, AND also if it's actually
   funny. Somehow we've pulled off two successful
   challenges in a row - partly thanks to Monkeon's
   stewardship and partly down to b3tans being
   brilliant. Still, we'll fuck it up next week
   with a challenge about "time-travelling
   Victorian sausages" or something that gets 14
   entries.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/changealetterbooks/popul...
   * ANIMAL BEATBOX - Si Bennett has been working
   on a little song that takes that "boots and
   cats" idea and extends it into a foot long
   remix.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Animal_Beatbox:2
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Clothes are useful, you should buy some
   Our sponsors want to do two things in this
   universe: make clothes that last a long time and
   make B3tans dress better. So dive in, order some
   UK-made threads, and know that supporting Hebtro
   helps make B3ta and Fesshole exist.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions, once again, fessed up
   About four and a bit years ago, one bored
   afternoon, we thought it might be amusing to
   open a google form and ask people to "confess
   stuff" and then it kinda morphed into a
   horrendous project that hasn't stopped. Well,
   the good news is that the other idea we mucked
   around with that day completely died a death, as
   we wouldn't really have wanted to spend four
   years publishing your close-up teeth photos.
 
   * DEAD CAT BOUNCE - "Mrs had told me she wanted
   sex later. Chased kids to bed early and locked
   the house up before heading upstairs. Found the
   cat, that I'd not seen all day, was dead behind
   the couch. Knew this would upset the Mrs, so no
   sex. Ignored cat til the next day."
   * NO PUN IN TEN DID - "Started amusing myself in
   work meetings by adding 'No pun intended' after
   comments I make with absolutely no pun or double
   meaning in them, then spend the next five
   minutes watching people's faces as they are
   clearly trying to work out what the 'pun' was"
   * ALCOHOL, NOT EVEN ONCE - "On the way home from
   a pub with my mate, we spoke about how we all
   used to play 'ding dong dash' when we were kids.
   There was a short pause before we said in unison
   'should we'. Spent  the next hour pissing off
   the locals. We're both 53."
   Follow the account that only has followers
   because people mistook it for that funny one
   that posts edits of U2 songs with the vocals
   replaced with goats.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/
   Come to the shows. Oooh there's one now(ish) on
   Saturday in Leicester. Shit, we better get this
   newsletter done. Other dates include Cambridge,
   Glasgow, Brighton, Northampton and Dublin.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   And finally you could always buy the book, it's
   better than it needs to be, and is an ideal
   accompaniment to taking a shit (to work day.)
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEFS
   Your Amstrad Action type-ins this week
   * DO YOU KNOW THE PRICE OF MILK? The bottom of
   the Wordle-variant pile is always more fun than
   the middle-of-the-road rip-offs.  In this case,
   can you guess the price of the Tesco product of
   the day?  Needs a Greggs remix to give the
   people what they really want. (Actually we found
   this very inspirational as the mechanic in this
   is something we once coded as a child in BASIC.
   Woo hoo)
 https://tescodle.com
   * TWEETER - Duolingo for learning bird songs,
   and whatever magpies call their tuneless racket.
    Still a bit under-construction but good quality
   edutainment.
 https://jessicalieb.itch.io/birdlingo
   * TYPE THIS WAY - Something very
   golden-age-of-the-web about this Aerosmith
   calculator/soundboard mash-up. Flash murderer
   and internet killjoy Steve Jobs would hate it.
 https://andymetoo.itch.io/the-steven-tyler-calcula...
   * DUKE NUKEM VS CAPTAIN TOM'S SPA POOL COMPLEX -
   We really want this to be a subscription game
   with a new level released every time something
   ridiculous happens in the news
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * HOW LONG UNTIL JASON STATHAM PUNCHES SOMEONE?
   - this important data project has recently been
   updated. This is what the internet should be,
   rather than endless "t i t s i n b i o" replies.
 https://time.to.stathampun.ch
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Memeception
   Here's the best images from last week and we're
   going to lie in the descriptions so as not to
   preempt the jokes
   * HAPPYTOAST - mashing up the Bear who Shits
   Prime Numbers with Britney Spears' Guide to
   Semiconductor Physics
 https://b3ta.com/board/11403719
   * MONKEON - mashing up the 3D dancing baby with
   the jokes your dad used to fax to the next
   quarry about blonde girls.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11403583
   * CAPTAIN HOWDY - mashes up that "Keep Trucking"
   image from Robert Crumb with oh god, can we even
   think of a more ancient meme? Ok, Kilroy Was
   'ere.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11403573
   * See all the other images from the
   'Memeception' challenge:
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/memeception/popular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
   Follow ups on previous stories
   * JOEL VEITCH STARTS A PODCAST - He writes,
   "It's called Rathergood Chat. The link is to
   iTunes but I presume you can probably find it
   most places you might get a podcast from. I've
   been meaning to do a podcast for YEARS but never
   got around to working out what it would be.
   Turns out the easiest thing to make it about is
   nothing in particular, so that's what this is."
   https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/rathergood-c...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to kick you up the anus hole
   * GREGG WALLACE SON SPEEDRUN - Dave Bagpuss
   Forsey asks for "a game where you have exactly
   one minute to play as much as you can with your
   youngest child before handing him back to your
   wife's parents."
   * 49 EXPLOSIVE GAMES FOR YOUR ZX81/ZX80 - ok
   we're on our own here, but we'd like a 49 part
   YouTube series that took this book and explored
   each one.
 https://archive.org/details/49-explosives-games-fo...
   * OH GOD ONE MORE IDEA - you know the score, we
   run out of ideas to fill this bit and we'll pick
   up a book on our desk and see what it inspires.
   OK, we've got the Ladybird Book of Knots, and
   we've turned to a page called 'Granny Knots' and
   imagined some sort of 8-bit game where you play
   Rishi Sunak wandering around Liverpool,
   strangling nans for their pension books.
   We look at everything you send. Everything.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
   BONUS IDEA - remember how hard the docking bit
   was in Elite on the BBC Micro? Well that, and
   it's only that again and again, but you're a
   wireframe cock going up wireframe bums and
   fannies in space. Oh god, someone let us stop
   typing, we're delirious.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (boop - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
   Mikec,
 Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
   couple of bits recently, do sign up.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
   Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
   B3ta newsletter, that really is the most useful
   thing you could do with your life at this moment
   in time.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'MEET UNCUTE' FESSHOLE
   "Met up with a girl online. Her profile pic was
   of her and her friend. She told me she was the
   fit one on the right. She wasn't, she was the
   not so fit one on the left. She knew I couldn't
   argue it when on the date but was gutted.
   Married now with two kids."

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   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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