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   NEWSLETTER: "GODZILLA YOURSELF AT HOME, GODZILLA YOURSELF ONE OF THE
   FAMILY"
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 This Week:
 * IMAGE CHALLENGE - Puppets in art
 * MUSIC - What if a car made a record?
 * BOOK PROJECT - Lots of calculators calculated
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We offered to save the web
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | & the web said 'no thanks,
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| we're trying to die quietly'"
 B3ta email 891 - 12th Jan 2024
 Read this issue whilst fondling your pube jar:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue891
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making art from "pencil" shavings
   * "I'M A CAR AND I'VE MADE A RECORD!" - pop
   provocateur Ricardo Autobahn writes, "I've made
   an entire album solely out of in-house car promo
   files and those instruction manuals that you
   listened to on cassette to tell you where the
   wiper switches are. Here's a snapshot." We
   rather enjoyed this as we've always too been a
   huge fan of the free CDs that used to come with
   cars "Hello. This is your Ford Sierra. Enjoy
   your Ford Sierra" etc.
 https://b3ta.com/links/The_Hands_Of_Porsche
   * "I'M THE OPERATOR WITH MY POCKET CALCULATOR" -
   long-term B3ta subscriber Benjamin Blundell has
   been making a book about old calculators to help
   promote the Whipple Museum of Cambridge, and you
   can both read about his process making it and
   download the PDF. Entertainment for all the
   family. It's also a reminder that we all need to
   visit this museum, and resist the urge to type
   55378008 everywhere.
 https://benjamin.computer/posts/2022-08-17-calcula...
   * THE RETURN OF ZOMBO - internet wizard Jonty
   Wareing writes, "Flash emulation has finally
   reached a point where we can accurately restore
   some of the most important cultural sites from
   the early days of the web, and it's only going
   to get better. Got it working with a flash
   emulator and threw it on a domain - going to try
   and contact the owners of zombo.com and get them
   to replace the godawful html5 version with
   this." Excellent stuff, next week can someone
   revive that thing where you dad brought home
   pages of jokes that had been faxed to the
   office?
 https://welcometozombo.com
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Buy some clothes - you know you want to
   Did you know there's a company called Hebtro and
   they make clothes and they've been sponsoring
   B3ta and Hebtro for yonks? Share your
   appreciation by wearing their clothes, all made
   in the UK to the highest standards and all of
   their shit is as cool as fuck.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Confessions served up as amoral entertainment
   Each week we ask you to shit your lies into a
   big bin and we fish around and pull a few out
   and post them on the internet in a text-based
   revival of "rate my poo"
   * PARKING - "If I see someone has deliberately
   parked their big expensive car so that no one
   can use the space next to them I will do
   everything I can to try and squeeze in to the
   spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful
   manoeuvring and having to exit through the
   boot."
   * PETARD - "Got invited to lunch with the 'big
   boss' last year. I told him how 80% of the work
   was done by 20% of the people and we'd be better
   off without most of the team. He agreed, and 6
   months later I was one of the many, many layoffs
   as part of an efficiency drive. Fair play."
   * CHILD - "My 11 year old son has started
   watching The Simpsons. He's asking the family
   which characters they think they are. He thinks
   he's Bart. He's not, he's Ralf Wiggum but I
   can't say that out loud"
   Link goes to the best confessions from December,
   or to be more accurate, we asked for code to
   give us the top 40 most favs, and then picked
   our personal favourite 12 from that.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/17417846701345...
   Please buy tickets to Fesshole Live. Available
   shows include Leicester (Feb), Cambridge (Feb),
   Glasgow (March), Dublin (April), Northampton
   (May) & Brighton (July). We could call it a tour
   but we're going home between dates, just trying
   to book one a month really, as a distraction
   from pondering climate change, ageing and the
   heat death of the universe. If you run a venue,
   do get in touch.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   And yes, do buy the book, it's fuck all at the
   moment at £6.49 and will go up at some point,
   because Amazon organises pricing to their own
   whims.
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEFS
   Some sexy urls to spunk up your browser
 
   * IS THIS THE BEST ADVERT YOU'VE EVER SEEN? You
   won't predict the twist that made us laugh for
   the first time since 2007 when we saw a duck
   peck the penis of another duck.
 https://twitter.com/IlaydaArden/status/17450254150...
   * EASIEST QUIZ EVER - No one sees the same
   internet as each other any more, so we were
   completely unaware of the meme this is based on,
   which appears to have been some click-bait fail
   that used a picture of Michael Cera instead of
   Nicki Minaj with the heading "Is this Nicki
   Minaj? 88.6% of Nicki Minaj fans get this wrong!
   Will you?". This removes the almost certain
   disappointment of clicking that link by making
   the game you'd have always hoped it would be.
 https://isthisnickiminaj.com
   * SEARCH SWAP-SHOP - Kind-of a Google version of
   Chat Roulette in which you share a search term
   with the next person to use the site.  Will
   surely turn horrible at some point, as these
   things always do, so use with caution and
   probably not in public. And play nice.
 https://mysterysearch.lol
   * POLYGONE GAMES - Following on from their
   recent wonky Minesweeper comes this wonky
   Draughts, which is just as frustrating.
   Hopefully wonky Excel 95 next.
 https://polyreplay.com/checkerstwist
   * WHAT HAPPENED TO WOOLWORTHS - interesting PDF
   that details what happened to all the old
   Woolworth shops 15 years after they shut.
 https://www.cannyinsights.com/wp-content/uploads/2...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Potatoes
   Here's the best images from last week, these
   are, wait for it, the spuds u like:
   * 'OCTO' mashes up the potatoes with soap
 https://b3ta.com/board/11402741
   * 'MONKEON' imagines the films Cronenberg should
   have made
 https://b3ta.com/board/11402873
   * 'NINJ' points out that in space no one can
   hear you steam (potatoes)
 https://b3ta.com/board/11402639
   * See all the other images from the spuds
   challenge:
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/potatoes/popular
   >> This week: The Puppet Art Gallery <<
   Let's celebrate our felt friends by mashing up
   puppets with classic works of art.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/puppetart/popular
   PS We've now written the word potatoes several
   times and it's started to look wrong. Potatoes.
   It's not right is it?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
   Follow-ups on previous stories
   * CHRIS BARKER ON BBC NEWS - Chris's SGT Pepper
   photoshops reached the official TV broadcaster
   of record. Next week hopefully C4 news will
   report on that bloke who does the baffling
   invisible Simpsons bollocks.
 https://youtu.be/jGMwHtV58CA
   * YOUR EDITOR GOT A MENTION IN THE METRO -
   mentioning his much loved (by him) lockdown
   music project: Longwave.
 https://metro.co.uk/2024/01/01/meet-shipping-forec...
   * WE ASKED FOR 'QOTW' FEEDBACK and 'Law'
   replied, "'What subject/interest do you have
   that you never get to speak about in real life?'
   My point is people want to be seen. Or maybe
   just me. I have made music as a one man punk-ish
   indie band for 25 years. I put out 3 full length
   albums in 2023 alone. My friends ask 'so what's
   new?' me: 'I just put out a new album' and
   that's it. Not a single follow up. Not one
   single question about the music making process.
   No discussions about music past or present.
   Nothing. If you're curious to hear what I make."
 https://linktr.ee/localteen
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to start you off
   * NOTED OR NOT - Some sort of online quiz where
   you scroll through  @RishiSunak's tweets and
   have to guess whether there's a community note
   or not.
   * "WHO'S RUNNING THAT STUFF?" - a podcast that
   peers into the weirder social media accounts
   that pump out disinformation and tries to work
   out if they're just mad people in a shack, or
   actually state actors.
   * OK YOU KNOW THE SCORE, WE'RE STUCK FOR A THIRD
   IDEA - so we're going to bullshit it by picking
   up a 1989 issue of Q Magazine and seeing what
   ideas we can spin out. OK, we've got one, the
   back pages are stuffed with small-ads for local
   record stores, and someone could turn that into
   a sad little photo project where they see what's
   there now.
   Do submit your stuff - we look and read
   everything you post to us, even if we don't use
   it, your newsletter editor sees all, he also
   reads everything submitted to Fesshole, he's a
   broken man.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (cool - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
   JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
   and Stuart.
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
   couple of bits recently, do sign up. Two did
   last week - thanks Benjamin Blundell and Stuart.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
   Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
   b3ta newsletter, that really is the most useful
   thing you could do with your life at this moment
   in time.
 https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'VET' FESSHOLE
   "I work as a receptionist in a vets. When
   somebody's pet is being put to sleep we light a
   candle to let everyone know to be quiet and
   respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just
   had a hangover."

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   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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