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   NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S THAT FOR CHRISTMAS, UNCLE B3TA? SOME SHIT WEBSITES AND
   PISS-WEAK JOKES? THANK YOU!"
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 This Week:
 * NEWSLETTER SURVEY - Read the alarming results
 * GOODBYE TO - B3ta interviewee Wilf Lunn
 * FESSHOLE - Glasgow show "announced"
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We thought about
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  saving the web but
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  decided to drown it"
 B3ta email 889 - 22nd Dec 2023
 Read this issue if you want, see if we care:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue889
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
   Other than making their pets hungry
   * MOVING PICTURES - Drivelsieve has continued to
   make pictures move and add sound effects, and
   seeing as it's Jesus's birthday he's given them
   a festive theme, much like the bit of tinsel we
   put on our dick before roasting the turkey.
 https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_these_Christmas_pict...
   * YORE COMPUTER RETURNS - Your editor has
   continued fixing the old bots that were broken
   by Elon Musk enshittening the API and this week
   he brings you the return of the one that posts
   random pages from 1980s computer magazines. If
   that's your bag, then your bag probably smells
   of BO and old pennies to be honest.
 https://twitter.com/yorecomputer
   * MADE-UP OLD GAMES - DngDng writes, "This week
   I made The Infinite 8-Bit Computer Game
   Character Archive, which generates character
   histories for imaginary 8-Bit computer game
   characters (while also somehow being the most
   accurate archive of 80s computing on the
   internet)." Well, that's solved an important
   problem in our life, thank you.
 https://dngdng.itch.io/the-infinite-8-bit-computer...
   * TV BITS OF THE YEAR -  Scary writes, "I've
   been collecting clips of TV in 2023 and have
   compiled them all into a review of the year."
   Ace, you will be entertained by this or you
   won't - it's your choice gentle reader.
 http://b3ta.com/links/1611679
 -------------------------------------------------
 : GOODBYE WILF LUNN
   Ob3tuaries for TV's Mr Quirky Inventor
   This week sees the third person taken down by
   the curse of the B3ta interview, by joining Tony
   Hart and Patrick Moore in their own sad demise
   after agreeing to talk to us. Remember him this
   way:
 https://b3ta.com/interview/wilflunn/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Yes, our favourite online clothing store promo
   Have you forgotten to buy your Christmas
   presents and totally fucked up everything? Help
   is on hand with Hebtro, who'll sell you a gift
   voucher and send it to you via email, which you
   can then give to your loved ones and look really
   thoughtful rather than last minute. Also they
   sponsor B3ta and Fesshole so they're not bad
   eggs unlike Amazon.
 https://hebtro.co/product/hebtroco-gift-voucher
 -------------------------------------------------
 : NEWSLETTER READER SURVEY RESULTS
   We asked, you answered
   Last week we asked you to comment on what you
   liked about the newsletter and 171 of you
   replied, and only one of you said something
   actually libellous which we had to delete. We'll
   highlight our fav comment in full:
   "B3ta feels like it's singlehandedly keeping the
   very concept of the website alive. I'm not
   trying to blow smoke here. Twitter/Reddit for
   all its benefits are in many ways killing what
   made the Internet the fun, weird, eccentric
   place it used to be. I see something I love in
   B3ta every week. And each creation feels like
   the love-child of a very specific person. Which
   to me always felt like the promise of the early
   internet. The internet wasn't always
   omnipresent. It was a place for weird fuckers to
   express themselves in niche ways. It's nice I
   can still visit that Internet."
   The full replies are here. Yep all of them.
   Minus the libel bit. It's quite a nice thing to
   skim actually as it made us feel quite happy
   that we bother with this stuff instead of
   spending the last twenty-two years collecting
   our belly-button fluff for the Guiness World
   Record.
 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Yn92NzU_uA...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your best confessions in the past week or so
   Four years ago we opened a Google Form and asked
   you to submit confessions to it and there's now
   nearly 1/4 of million submissions and we've read
   them all. Fuck know what that's done to our mind
   but at least it shows commitment, and really
   that's why it's worked. People go, "oh you were
   lucky thinking up this idea" but no, the idea is
   a bit so what, it's that we could be bothered to
   do it day-in-day-out is why it works.
   * DICKS - "Youngest walked out of my bedroom and
   asked 'why is daddy's willy in your drawer?'
   Panic answer "he got a new one, so I put his old
   one in the drawer". This will come back to haunt
   me.
   * NUTS - "My girlfriend's 10 year old son has
   been telling everyone that he failed No Nut
   November because he had peanut butter in a
   sandwich yesterday. Waiting a few more years to
   tell him how hilarious it was."
   * FLIES - "My mate once had his flies undone, so
   I said to him 'you're flying low.' He thought I
   meant he looked upset, so he opened up to me in
   great detail about depression and loneliness.
   Was a sad, awkward, conversation, especially
   when I had to end it with 'and your flies are
   undone.'"
   Normally we suggest following the Twitter
   account with some joke about how it's only got
   followers because people have mistaken it for
   that funny one that posts videos of William Reid
   from the Jesus & Mary Chain so high on heroin
   that he's trying to snort a sugapuff but nope,
   no jokes this week.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/
   Do come to the Fesshole Live shows, your editor
   really enjoys getting out the house, seeing a
   bit of the country and doing some stuff that's
   not typing inside Google Docs. From your point
   of view, the audience confessions are great and
   an experience you can't get elsewhere.
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
   Well it's a couple of days to Christmas, will
   Amazon deliver the second Fesshole book in time?
   There's only one way to find out, start your
   stopwatches now.
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : QUESTION OF THE WEEK SURVEY
   Maybe we'll bring it back - or maybe we won't
   One of the bits of feedback we keep getting
   about B3ta is that we should bring back Question
   Of The Week. Ok, we're toying with this, but
   before we try it we would like you to answer
   some questions about it. Basically give us some
   good ideas for questions ok?
 https://forms.gle/TocVnw5VPL7aBneF9
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEFS
   Your free copy of .net magazine without the
   staples
   * PARTSEIDOLIA - In a bit of probably marketing
   genius, celebrity violinist Nigel Slater has
   posted a photo of a Quince Custard Tart that
   looks like a ladies flibbertygibbets. The
   comments are lol if you like that sort of thing.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/C089GRnLYCM/
   * SPY BOT 2000 - We believe the tl;dr version of
   the arty bollocks write up is that this loads
   live webcam images from around the world and
   gets an AI to sort them into categories.
   Actually quite an interesting use of AI for a
   change, if a little creepy.
 https://webcamaze.engineering.zhaw.ch/watchingthew...
   * COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHITTY KIDS USING A ROBOT
   VOICE - A soundboard to help parents with their
   nagging. It's got a remix button should you want
   to insert your own specific moans about your
   kids' annoying habits, and save wearing out your
   vocal chords.
 https://anthony1.hatch.one/autoparent
   * REALISTIC COLD SIMULATOR - A realistic
   simulator of a perfectly normal stay in a
   Finnish winter cabin, for that chilled-out
   festive experience.
 https://patsui.itch.io/winter-cabin
   * PROOF THAT 'DOCTOR WHO' SAVES LIVES - Analysis
   of the effect of Doctor Who Christmas episodes
   on mortality in England & Wales.
 https://www.bmj.com/content/383/bmj-2023-077143
   * A LONG VIDEO ABOUT PAINTING LINES - People
   seem to find line painting fascinating. Matt
   Round who suggested this link says, "years ago
   the entire office I was working in stopped to
   spend an hour looking down at bloke drawing
   lettering freehand with molten paint."
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   SATAN!!!
   Last week we were asking you to use G-Paint on
   the Amstrad CPC 464 to worship the Antichrist:
   * 'TRIBS' praises the Dark Lord with the power
   of puns
 https://b3ta.com/board/11402078
   * 'MONKEON' anoints the Prince of Darkness by
   invoking thoughts of Noel Edmonds
 https://b3ta.com/board/11402213
   * 'NINJ' prays to the Horned Master by imagining
   cheeses
 https://b3ta.com/board/11402079
   * See all the other images from the 'SATAN!!!'
   challenge, before the whole site is damned to
   Hell.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/satan/popular
   >> This week: Christmas TV <<
   Most sitcoms get a Christmas special, but what
   about the shows that never do?  Show us what a
   festive edition of Crimewatch, or a yuletide
   X(mas)-Files might look like.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmastv/popular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : A SECOND FESSHOLE SECTION
   Oh god there is so much, we split it in two
   * GLASGOW TICKETS ANNOUNCEMENT - yes we're
   playing Midge Ure's home town, and most
   excitingly of all it's in the Oran Mor, which is
   a beautiful old church and exactly the type of
   place we've wanted to play since we thought
   "yeah, do some confession stuff dressed as a
   shit vicar, might work" a couple of years back.
 https://www.ticketweb.uk/event/fesshole-oran-mor-t...
   * THREADS ANNOUNCEMENT - we've fixed up the
   account so it posts the full 16 confessions a
   day just like the Twitter account and it's going
   OK you know? People are replying and there's
   less spam than on shXtter.
   * BSKY ANNOUNCEMENT - done the same for the smug
   one that people keep posting "ooh who wants an
   invite code" about.
 https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
   Ok, so you've read this far, have a bonus fess
   we thought was a bit funny: "Found out my
   boyfriend of three years had been messaging
   random girls online and sending them money.
   Broke up with him. Recently I made a fake
   profile and have been catfishing him to send me
   money. Least he owes me."
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
   Follow-ups on previous stories
   * CHRIS BARKER ON THE BBC - following our news
   last week that Shardcore is going to star in the
   Reith Lectures as AI Bryson Gore,
   photoshopping-SGT-Pepper-death-watch-bloke Chris
   decided to get onto Crimewatch:
 https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/17381052...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to kick up up the idea minge
   * THE NIK KERSHAW'S "WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD TO BE
   IN YOUR SHOES" COMPUTER GAME - where Nik tries
   on the shoes of his friends like Howard Jones
   and Thomas Dolby and they flop about because
   they're too big. But Sonya's are just right.
   * LEVEL 42's LESSONS IN LOVE VIDEO SKETCH - use
   AI to replace John Cleese in the Meaning Of Life
   sketch where Cleese plays the schoolmaster who
   teaches the boys about how to do anal buggery.
   Extra point if you can find a way for Mark to
   use his "thumb insured for a million pounds" for
   clitoral stimulation.
   * SHIT APP IDEA - Your "get hauled in front of
   HR song" is the song that was No 1 on your 13th
   birthday, as sung by a random Nazi, famous
   murderer or celebrity nonce.
   Oh go on, tell us about your project, what's the
   worst that can happen? Oh yeah, we might tell
   people about it and you'll become famous for 15
   midgets.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I fixed it for you - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
   couple of bits recently, do sign up.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'TOP GEAR' FESSHOLE
   "Car's automatic gearbox shit itself and I was
   staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job,
   gingerly drove the car home to 'think it over'
   and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it
   off. I couldn't stop smiling at the side of the
   road, the guy thought I was a psychopath."

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