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   NEWSLETTER: "IT'S LIKE TEN THOUSAND SPOONERISMS WHEN ALL YOU KNEED IS A
   NIFE"
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 This Week:
 * ART - 500+ churches drawn in pixels, but why?
 * SWEARCLOCK - The long awaited return, oh baby
 * MONEY OFF - Matt Round's voyage of genius/madness
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the web by
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    selling bits off and
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  putting it the Woolwich"
 B3ta email 886 - 31st Nov 2023
 Shamone. Read issue in a (hee-hee) high voice:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue886
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making the police investigate
   * PIXEL CHURCH ODDESSEY - Craig Robinson writes,
   "For the last year and a half I've been working
   on a project to do a wee pixelly drawing of
   every church in the world. All 37 million of
   them. I've done 586 so far. But it *is* my
   intention to live long enough to complete the
   project." We've done the maths and if Craig
   completes this project he'll be 100,000 years
   old and hopefully we'll still be writing ASCII
   newsletters too.
 https://www.instagram.com/everychurchintheworld
   * SWEARCLOCK IS BACK BACK BACK - your
   increasingly young editor writes, "I've just
   spent a day of my life bringing my swearing
   clock back to life - don't tell me I'm wasting
   my time." Well if you want a byzantinely rude
   time-check on the hour, then the project that
   accidentally birthed Fesshole is for you.
 https://twitter.com/swearclock
   * GET MATT ROUND'S NEW PROJECT, WITH MONEY OFF -
   our cyber chum Matty has been working on his
   magnum-opus, a platform to be launched on
   Christmas Day complete with weird apps, games
   and video & even a terrible programming language
   to keep the retro nerds happy. He tells us,
   "Ticket money has all gone to contributors
   because I'm bad at capitalism." He's also set up
   promo code CH3AP for 30% off tickets. We can't
   wait to see the finished version, the
   development log has been fascinating.
 https://vole.wtf/arcc/
   * INTRODUCING HEAD-SWAPPER PRO 2000 - DngDng
   writes, "I made a kind of fun little 'head
   swapper' thing using Victorian animal
   illustrations, which I called 'Brids, Sfish and
   other Amals' for some reason." Hooray,
   head-swaps are now automated, no more
   graverobbing for us.
 https://dngdng.itch.io/brids-sfish-and-other-amals
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Gift ideas for those awkward Christmas bastards
   We keep mentioning that our sponsor Hebrtro is
   stuffed with great ideas for Christmas presents
   for the men in your life and they've finally got
   round to making a page specifically for gifts.
   All made in the UK to exacting standards and
   built to last, because a Hebtro product is for
   life and not just for Christmas.
 https://hebtro.co/product/iron-shirt
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions squirted out like liquid
   diarrhoea
   Each week you piss up your lies into the
   Fesshole urinal and, we, the landlord, slop out
   the stinkiest bits back into the beer barrel and
   sell it again:
   * T FOR TAX - "Builder spent the week listing
   ways he dodged tax and the houses he owned when
   I brought him cuppas. On the last day he asked
   for cash and I told him I worked for the HMRC -
   I don't - and would need an invoice. Never came
   back for the money. Result."
   * MUNCHAUSEN - "I once had a heart attack in
   front of the family, it really shocked the kids
   who are now teenagers but not enough for the
   shits to do what they are told, so every so
   often when I find myself shouting at them, I
   stop and fake another episode, that mobilises
   the little bastards."
   * BUSINESS OP - "In my friend group I'm always
   the one who books all the big trips and events.
   When requesting the money off everyone I always
   ask for at least £5 over the actual price.
   Individually a small difference but it can
   easily net a nice £50 profit which I see as more
   of a booking fee."
   Follow the account that only has a million
   followers because Matthew Smith never made Manic
   Miner II and people have fuck all else to do:
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/
   Come to the shows to see your "handsome"
   newsletter editor dick around in a bishop's hat:
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
 
   But the new Fesshole book that made us almost
   weep in production when we had to submit a
   second version to the publisher because
   apparently "250 fan drawings of Eddie Shoestring
   from BBC's 1980 detective drama Shoestring isn't
   what you promised, Rob."
 https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   You know, URLS, remember them?
   * SILLY EUPHEMISMS - Enjoyable quiz in which you
   must guess the object from the two-word
   tip-of-your-tongue descriptions. Limp toast -
   bread. That sort of thing.
 https://vividfax.itch.io/noun-noun
   * BRICKING IT - There are hundreds of Lego
   minifigures out there, but which is best?
   There's only one way to find out... the Hot or
   Not format, of course.
 https://brickelo.com
   * HAGGLE FOR TAT JUST LIKE ARTHUR DALEY - AI
   stuff tends to only be fun when you're playing
   against its limitations. In this case, can you
   persuade Metal Mickey to drop the prices on his
   car boot tat? You can actually buy the stuff, so
   presumably a front for eBay drop-shipping,
   albeit an imaginative one.
 https://aigaragesale.com
   * BREAK-OUT, BUT WITH YOUR BROWSER - the kind of
   webby experiment we liked twenty years ago and
   honestly still quite like now.
 https://brickception.xyz/
   * SALAD FINGERS HAILED AS 'INFLUENTIAL' - good
   to see old B3tans getting plaudits in proper
   publications. He certainly influenced us to be
   scared of salad.
 https://theconversation.com/salad-fingers-wasnt-ju...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to kick you in the brain penis
   * GROTIFY WRAPPED - your shareable list of
   terrible midi files that you've listened to most
   this year. Our favourite is of course Rock DJ by
   Robbie Williams.
   * SPREAD THE CILIA IS DEAD CONSPIRACY THEORY -
   There's the theory that Paul McCartney died and
   was replaced in 1966, but what if it was
   actually Cilla who was replaced? It would
   explain how she sang some perfectly OK singles
   in the sixties before this utterly hellish
   foghorn emerged which could kill fish.
   * DOCTOR WHO NEW MONSTERS VS OLD - a data
   analysis of every story in Who and marking them
   for if they used a new monster, or revived an
   old one. Just curious really, how the show has
   ebbed and flowed in making new stuff, vs
   nostalgia. Oh shit that's a sensible content
   idea and not a joke, bums, er... imagine you
   shoes get 'regenerated' when you wear them out &
   replace them, and sing the Doctor Shoe theme
   tune.
   Go on, take a shit in our inbox, you cowards: 
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : READERS QUESTIONS
   Captain? I said "Wotsits"
   Andrew Aoakley writes, "There are two types of
   Wotsits, right? I don't mean different flavours,
   I mean different size and density of corn puff.
   One has a wider diameter and more puffy air
   holes. The other is narrower and more dense.
   There is no way to tell which you'll get until
   you open a packet?" So if you know how to
   predict the Wotsits, then get in touch, and also
   if you've got an eccentric  question which isn't
   obviously answered by two seconds of googling
   also get in touch.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I literally used to run
   that Maccaface Tumblr Rob)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SEX' FESSHOLE 
  
   "Had a saucy affair with a work colleague a few
   years back. The sex was incredible, nothing off
   limits. One time she asked me to defecate on her
   chest. Not really my thing but agreed. Probably
   wasn't the best idea given I'd had a madras the
   night before. Had to get a new job."

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   --------------------
   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
   --------------------

   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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