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 This Week:
 * SHED OF THE YEAR - Winner announced
 * BEST OF FESSHOLE - each week, every week
 * REAL NAME SPOONERISM - mend us sore
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're printing out the
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   web and putting it in
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    the bin... together"
 B3ta email 875 - 25 Aug 2023
 Read this issue after huffing clown farts:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue875
 Subscribe, you pooheads: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making their neighbours want to move 
    * SHED OF THE YEAR WINNER ANNOUNCED - Shed
    called the Frankenshed wins the 17th Shed of
    the year - Uncle Wilco tells us that a
    "Londoner brings his rubbish shed back to life
    - calls it The Frankenshed and wins Shed of the
    year 2023. And yes, he does store his tools in
    there." The hipsters have discovered sheds.
    Christ on a bike.
 https://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
   * CLONE-A LISA UPDATE - Matt Round's game has
   gone all round the internet and people are
   making their shit drawings of Mona Lisa all over
   the place, and in a small update to allow you
   the best possible chance of scoring highly, for
   power users, Matt has released an update where
   "Super-competitive artists can now use keyboard
   controls 1-8 colour, QWE brush, SPACE view
   original" - ooh and there's now a slider too to
   compare your work with the original.
 https://vole.wtf/clone-a-lisa/
   * DR MOONSHINE - Si Bennett writes, "Hello, I
   just wrote and and recorded a song with two of
   my idols from the 90's Morgan and Cass - from
   Senseless Things, i use to go and watch them
   play all around london when i was 14-15 years
   old and never would of though that one day i'd
   make some music with them.. thanks for reading..
   hope you enjoy!"
 https://b3ta.com/links/DR_MOONSHINE
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Have you considered buying some clothes, mate?
   Each week we make the mild suggestion that it
   would be a good idea to buy some clothes, as
   Hebtro very kindly sponsors the B3ta newsletter
   and the Fesshole CB Radio. Hebtro's clothes are
   built to last, made in the UK and make perfect
   gifts for awkward middle-aged men whom you don't
   know what to get for.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions turned into internet likes
   We run the definitive account for confession,
   well there's that Postsecret one, but our one is
   less arty and has more jokes, ok, we run the
   number two accounts, whatever:
   * BEANS - "I was 18 with my mates in
   Wetherspoons, there was a table of girls just
   across from us, I fancied one of them and my
   mate suggested I send a drink, I decided to send
   some beans, she realised it was me and we got
   talking, 6 years later we are married, baked
   beans found me my wife."
   * TV ADVICE - "Had 58 inch TV mounted on wall in
   the bedroom. Only lasted 2 years and went on the
   blink. Seen a deal in Argos for another 58 inch
   TV. After buying and taking home, I realised I'd
   bought the same TV. Mounted the new one on the
   wall, and wrapped the old one up in the
   packaging and returned'
   * PUBERTY - "My big bro told me that when I hit
   puberty my balls would fall off and I'd grow new
   big hairy ones. In sex ed the teacher asked if
   we knew what changes would happen to our bodies
   and I confidently shared this info. The class
   broke into fits of laughter. Never lived it
   down."
   Join the account on the social platform that
   absolutely no one calls X:
 https://twitter.com/fesshole
   Buy the book and help Bezo create new space
   rockets.
 https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
   Come to the shows and help your editor pay his
   tax bill, shows coming include London,
   Cambridge, Leicester and Nottingham:
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   What a wonderful world wide web
   * SHOOTY SHOOTY COUNTY COUNTY - Grim little
   website that charts mass shootings in the US,
   prompting B3tan hoppitygoestotown to observe,
   "More mass shootings so far than days in the
   year".
 https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/
   * NERD MUSIC - You didn't know you wanted to
   watch the Thunderbirds theme tune played by an
   orchestra, but it turns out, this is who you are
   now.
 https://b3ta.com/links/YouToob_seems_to_think_this...
   * THE SILENCE OF THE JAMMS (ENDS) - The KLF
   reemergence continues, with this opportunity to
   buy their videos on DVD and Blu Ray. Apparently
   it's less about making cash, and getting their
   archive in order given Drummond is now in his
   70s. We're still hoping for an audio box set
   with the acid trance stuff.
 https://shop.bfi.org.uk/23-seconds-to-eternity-dua...
   * CLOCK OFF - As a newsletter that loves a
   novelty clock, we're glad to see that The
   Pudding have set up a subdomain just for the
   purpose of making them.  Their first launch is a
   musical clock which plays a song that mentions
   the current time, and makes you realise just how
   many songs you'll never hear are out there. 
 https://pudding.cool/projects/clocks/songs/
   * ARTY BOLLOCKS - This site takes a keyword and
   generates a virtual gallery from the
   Rijksmuseum's collection. B3tan contributor
   Monkeon tells us, "One of my abandoned projects
   was doing something similar with £10 or less art
   on eBay, and I wish I'd finished that now."
 https://rijkscollection.net
   * KUBRICKY GOES BLOCKY - We're either 8 years
   late for the original download, or 1 year late
   for the in-browser launch, but this Atari
   2600-esque adaptation of The Shining amused us
   when we discovered it this week.
 https://pippinbarr.com/lets-play-the-shining/info/
   * READ WEIRD MANUALS - The Internet Archive's
   Jason Scott writes, "I've gone through 3 million
   manuals in the Internet Archive's collections
   and produced a 'Manuals Showcase', a few dozen
   manuals that are sure to catch your eye here and
   there. Readable online, downloadable, and
   ad-free."
 http://archive.org/details/manuals_showcase
 -------------------------------------------------
 : REAL PEOPLE SPOONERISM
   Switching the initial consonants for fun
  
   Raki writes, "I used to work at a company which
   managed electoral roll data. We used to, um,
   'check' the data, for quality purposes of
   course. The best one we found was: Mrs Carey
   Hunt."
   Probably not the same person but we've googled
   to see if this is possible and it absolutely is.
 https://where-inc.com/our-brokers/agent-110-Carey-...
   If you've spotted one - do email us:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to start you off
   * REALISTIC STAN SIMULATOR - Thinking of the
   scratchy pen noise all over Eminem's Stan - and
   a possible but v difficult game where you have
   to scrawl 'Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still
   ain't callin'' etc in time to the beat.
   * YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH - We would probably
   quite enjoy a social media account that only
   posted GIFS of people using electric
   toothbrushes wrong in movies.
   * THE BEATLES ARE DOGS, THE STONES ARE CATS -
   maybe you can get a book out of this thought
   that briefly passed through our mind whilst
   trying to get this damn newsletter out.
   Don't fail us, mail us:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
   BONUS IDEA: That story about a woman punching a
   horse in the news makes us think a horse
   punching game could be funny "I punched a horse
   178 times in one minute, can you beat me?"
   Something we would have deffo pitched for a
   UsVsTh3m thing back in the day, and probably
   been talked out of.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (No problemo - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE 
   "Was at a party over the weekend, got absolutely
   wrote off on all sorts. Woke up naked in a bed
   with my wife and another woman, apparently the
   greatest night of my life and I don't remember a
   single thing."

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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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