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   NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER HAS BEEN RENAMED 'TOILET ROLL EMOJI' - ADJUST
   YOUR TATTOOS NOW"
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 This Week:
 * SUBMIT - Your ideas for stupid polls
 * DRAW - in the 'reverse' colouring book
 * ANNOUNCEMENT - Fesshole live coming to Notts
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're are the newsletter
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | your grandparents warned
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| you about... or not"
 B3ta email 873 - 11 Aug 2023
 Read this issue whilst having erect balls:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue873
 Subscribe, you Wurzels: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than shitting about making 'dump tributes'
   * INTRODUCING THE 'UNCOLOURING' BOOK - Rafal
   Pastuszak writes, "I made an uncolouring book. I
   wouldn't call it NSFW but it's probably not for
   children." This is the best thing, you will love
   it, and such a clever idea, the colouring is
   there, your job is to provide the lines.
 https://lines.potato.horse
   * GOT ANY IDEAS FOR POLLS? Your newsletter
   editor writes, "Wondering about setting up a
   thing for polls - if you have any question
   suggestions, that is ideas for important or
   stupid polls to punt to thousands of people -
   add them to this form." Our favourite submission
   so far is the always contentious, should milk go
   in scrambled eggs or not?
 https://forms.gle/p3oaVo5d7kJAvZfk9
   * LAUGH - ACTUALLY WE DID - Dogfood writes,
   "What if every movie was just Billy Zane saying
   'I always win, Jack' in Titanic?" We expected
   this to be slick AI garbage but the fact that
   it's so shoddily done makes it kinda delightful.
 https://b3ta.com/links/I_Always_Win_Jack
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   It's time for you to buy some clothes
   The reality is B3ta and Fesshole partly exist,
   in the sense we can afford to spend time running
   them, because Hebtro bung us some cash to
   mention their delightful range of clothes.
   They're all made in the UK and will solve the
   problem of buying a gift for middle-aged men.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions pulped into content
   Each week we ask you to piss and shit into a
   Google form and we post photos of the smelliest
   looking pisses and shits on social media for you
   to say "no, I don't like the look of that"
   * BLOWIES - "I was once offered a blowjob out of
   nowhere, but had to turn it down, because I
   hadn't showered that day. I've since religiously
   showered every morning for the last 20 years and
   never had the opportunity again."
   * MANLY PERIODS - "When I was 11 a school friend
   told me he kissed three girls from our class at
   the school disco, and that they were so turned
   on they 'all went straight into the toilets to
   have a period'. For years I was in awe at this
   seemingly incredible piece of womanising."
   * A BIT SCARY THIS ONE - "For months, my best
   way to get my baby to stop crying has been
   whispering threats to him in the style of a
   villain from a Danny Dyer movie. He finds it
   hilarious. But now he's 1 & has started copying.
   I'm so scared he's going to threaten to cut his
   sister open or call her a cunt."
   * Follow the account that does now actually have
   a million followers, and the link goes to the
   best of June, so it's worth a click if you like
   that sort of thing:
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/16885620839802...
   * It's not too late to buy the book, we're
   hoping to announce the second one soon, the
   cover got approved today. But you should still
   buy the first, so you'll understand the plot.
 https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
   * OOH there's a new date in the shows. We've got
   NOTTINGHAM just announced, and there's still
   tickets for Walthamstow (buy now, 80% gone) and
   Leicester (it's next year, you've got time).
 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Your guide to the internet in futuristic URLS
   * DICKING WITH SPAMMERS - ChatGPT has found a
   decent use at last, with this bot that replies
   to spammers and tries to waste their time with
   its endless drivel.
 https://thespamchronicles.stavros.io/welcome/
   * DDR GAME & WATCH - It's been ten years since
   Papers Please came out, and to celebrate that
   milestone, the creator has decided to pretend it
   has been forty years by releasing this Game and
   Watch demake.
 https://dukope.itch.io/lcd-please
 
   * YOU'RE HISTORY (NO GOOD TO ME) - We're quite
   into the date ordering history quiz format at
   the moment, which we put down to middle age
   making you suddenly very aware of your own
   limited place in time.  Comes with soothing
   piano music to keep that existential panic at
   bay.
 https://ledoc.itch.io/chronosort
   * BE AFRAID OF THE SEA - Turns out that parking
   near the sea could be a bad idea. Apparently a
   'freak summer storm' but probably the new
   normal.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Sploosh:4
   * OLD MEMES EXPLAINED - The "I can't believe
   you've done this" guy explains the context.
   We're always happy to see old memes explained in
   exhausting detail. Next week hopefully the Quo
   will explain quite why they loved laughing at
   disasters so much.
 https://b3ta.com/links/The_I_cant_believe_youve_do...
  
   * SHOUTING WOMAN PLAYS DRUMS - This looks like
   it's a skit on the White Stripes but rocks
   surprisingly hard.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Found_my_new_favourite_band
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some ideas to kick you off
   * REAL PEOPLE SPOONERISMS - on Linkedin we've
   found a Nick Deck and you can probably find
   more.
 [OK, we've hit the point where we don't have ideas
 for the next two suggestions, so it's time to do
 the gimmick of picking up a book for inspiration.
 This week The Essential Guide To Rock On CD by
 David Sinclair.]
   * ROBERT PLANT OR RUBBER PLANT - the exciting
   quiz that's setting your grandparents' inbox on
   fire.
   * THE 'BIG COUNTRY' HIDDEN SWEARS LIST - Them
   and that Sex Pistols Pretty Vacant, and Captain
   Sensible's 'Golly baby I'm a lucky cunt' - it
   would make quite a strong social media account
   if you carefully picked them all out.
   Right, send us some emails ok?
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Right - Kat)
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
   Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
   YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
   Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
   you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
   Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
   THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
   Thanks to ??? for the subject line.
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE 
   "Baby daughter couldn't sleep so took her for a
   drive in Cardiff. Drove into an empty car park
   to see a huge drug deal - packages on bonnets of
   cars, guns, heavies. I apologise to the
   gangsters of Cardiff if our Mini Metro,
   screaming child and handbrake turn upset your
   evening."

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