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 This Week:
 * SALAD FINGERS - Back like Rick Asley
 * VIDEO - Kids visit Karl Marx
 * MUSIC - Gothic Rock Chipmunk Album
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Turned out that saving
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web was a bad idea &
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| we're very sorry, ok?"
 B3ta email 810 - 18 Mar 2022
 Read this issue on the grave of your dead dreams:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue810
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making trouble about the bins again
   * SALAD FINGERS IS BACK - David Firth tells
   b3ta, "I just think there needs to be more
   necro-bestiality in the world of post-flash
   animation... I made it a specific way, pretty
   much ignoring everything I have learnt since
   2006. I just wanted to make a good old fashioned
   flash cartoon. For old times."
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * KIDS VISIT KARL MARX - Tickle has given us, "A
   song about my dad taking me to the park as a kid
   in London and then to visit Karl Marx's grave
   like an absolute communist." Honestly we're
   throwing this in largely because we've taken our
   kids to nose at Karl Marx too, what else is
   there to do on a Sunday afternoon in North
   London?
 http://b3ta.com/links/1583611
   * BEATLES HELP PRINT - Our pet artist Dr Dunno
   is making more Beatles prints. This one is a
   full imagining of the cool house where the
   Beatles live in Help, and we confess, we pushed
   him to draw this, as we want to live there. We'd
   fling the Beatles out mind you.
 https://twitter.com/printthebarker/status/15001537...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
   Each week you shit in a bin and we strain it for
   nuggets of super-shit that we can toss onto the
   social media for 1000s of worthless likes and
   personal abuse:
   * M&S - "I've discovered there's a teenager girl
   working at my M&S food store who can't be
   bothered with difficult to scan or missing
   barcodes. She just pretends to put them through
   and you get the item for free. So now I seek her
   out and purposely damage a couple of barcodes."
   * ARRIVA - "I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a
   bad day at work, I'll look in the mirror while
   driving, and mutter to myself 'you're all cunts
   aren't you?' and then tap the brakes twice so
   they all nod."
   * GREGGS "I found the Greggs coffee stamp on
   eBay for £20. I've not paid for a coffee from
   Greggs in over 2 years." BTW: We fact-checked
   this by looking on eBay, and at the time of
   going to press, the price had gone up to £30.
   Join the 408k people who should have their
   Woolworths C15 tapes inspected by Dempsey and
   Makepeace. Link goes to the best of February
   2022, so worth a click as each one has the
   potential to make a tiny muscle to the side of
   your mouth twitch like the onset of a stroke.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/15002019518201...
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 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Buy some jeans, go on you've got cold legs
   Brr! Yes Spring is on its way but it's still
   like fucking ice in B3ta towers, and there's
   only one solution. A pair of sturdy jeans from
   our sponsors Hebtrocococococo. Why not buy two
   pairs, so you're not cold when you've stuck one
   in the wash?
 https://hebtro.co/shop/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
   Have A Little Drink
   From the ancient Flash archives comes this
   little ditty that was recorded by your
   newsletter editor whilst he was waiting for a
   nameless collaborator who, in 2002 or whatever,
   hadn't turned up to collaborate on something
   because he was too pissed.
 https://www2.b3ta.com/drink/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Future broken links for the Wayback Machine
   * GOTH CHIPMUNK ALBUM - If you slow the
   Chipmunks down so that the voices are normal,
   the backing tracks are so low and grungy it's
   like the best series of murky goth covers ever.
   We genuinely listened to the whole album and
   loved it.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * WANT TO FEEL OLD? TOUCH OUR BALLS - Someone
   has made a "make you feel old" tool which tells
   you which world events were closer to World War
   2 than now. Ok they've buried it in a load of
   preamble at the top, like they're writing a
   recipe on the internet, so scroll down.
 https://kryogenix.org/days/2016/08/11/feeling-old/
   * BEST EUROVISION ENTRY SINCE DAZ SAMPSON - This
   year’s UK Eurovision entry is actually ok? The
   song is fine and the video, well, as it's all
   riffing on Ceefax visuals, is totally up our
   street. We hope the live show will have the band
   all dressed as Minitel terminals to shore up the
   French vote.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * YOUR TERRIBLE TWEETS AS QUOTES - This twitter
   bot turns any tweet into a portentous quote.
   I'm not sure if the intention was to be a
   sarcastic trolling device, but seeing any tweet
   framed as a profound statement really makes them
   all seem incredibly smug.
 https://twitter.com/MakeItAQuote/
   * THIS SHOULD HOW ALL CALLS FOR CONTENT SHOULD
   BE RUN - Clip from an ancient radio broadcast of
   BBC Children's Hour where they'd asked for poems
   to be sent in and then decided they were all too
   shit to read out. Gloriously brutal. Imagine the
   nation of sobbing kids.
 https://b3ta.com/links/This_is_gloriously_brutal
 -------------------------------------------------
   It would be remiss of us to not mention that
   this @anon_opin "Nobody wants to see your cat
   walking across camera in your work video call.
   It's not cute, it's annoying and unprofessional"
   was totally ratio'd. Check out those quote
   tweets. A small lesson in why people post idiot
   opinions on the internet, it's free publicity.
 https://twitter.com/anon_opin/status/1500772002713...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FRIDAY GAME
   Kitty goes fishing
   We saw an advert for a big budget guns-and-war
   game today and thought who the fuck wants that
   in their life at the moment?  In this indie
   game, you play a cat going fishing. We played it
   until it crashed. BTW: This game is very
   reminiscent of a subgame in Pokemon, or was it
   Zelda, one of those two on the GameBoy anyway.
 https://krystalcoconut.itch.io/catfish
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
   Results from the Putin challenge (so far)
   This week B3ta has mostly been obsessed with
   that swell guy Vladimir Putin:
   * Octo brings us Putin contemplating the button
   with a reference to the comedy writer that shall
   not be named:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11362781
   * Ballymoran has noticed a certain parallel
   between two leaders of our age:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11362658
   * MC Chicken Sandwich is just doing a text gag.
   Nothing wrong with a text gag, comedy was built
   on them:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11362766
   And you can see all 116+ entries over on Bee
   three tea aye dot com on slowly disintegrating
   internet:
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/putin2/popular/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THE RETURN OF GOATSE CORNER
   Four weeks in now, please stop
   Wingnutkj writes, "Since Goatse corner sadly
   seems to be a thing again, you might be
   interested to see this photo I took of the
   'About Us' video projection art thing at Paisley
   Abbey."
 https://imgur.com/a/i3PfH5h
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
   Free ideas to kick you off
   * NAME THAT INTRO, 80s EDITION - a version of
   heardle.app that's just 1980s pop music so it
   doesn't confuse the old folk
   * A VERSION OF OBLIQUE STRATEGIES FOR BUSINESS -
   "Sack everyone not making money" "Leave
   take-over rumours on the whiteboard" "Let the
   most junior person take the blame"
   * A VERSION OF TINDER TO FIND BETTER CHILDREN
   THAN YOUR OWN - could call it... Kinder
   Shove our ideas into our moist, welcoming inbox:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
   Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
   Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
   Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
   Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
   Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
   Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
   H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
   Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
   Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
   Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
   Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
   Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
   Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
   Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
   mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
   OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
   Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
   Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
   pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
   Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
   RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
   sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
   McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
   Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
   Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
   Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
   Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
   Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
   Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
   Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
   Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
   James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
   Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
   Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
   Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
   Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
   Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
   Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
   Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
   Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
   Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
   STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
   Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
   Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
   Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
   Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
   Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
   Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
   Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
   Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
   Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
   Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
   Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
   Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
   Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
   Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
   Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
   Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
   help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
   by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
   love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
   - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
   Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
   Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
   and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
   McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
   Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
   PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
   to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY!
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
   Bigshape apologies
   What do bats and cats have in common?
   ats
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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