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   NEWSLETTER: "BEST VIEWED ON INTERNET EXPLORER 6"
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 This Week:
 * STUFF - There is stuff in this newsletter
 * THINGS - And definitely some things
 * JOKES - Nope, none of these
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're shaving the web
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to reveal the web smooth
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  skin... together"
 B3ta email 807 - 18th Feb 2022
 Read this issue in an angry voice to a call-centre:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue807
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making sweet love to a Furby
   * NON-EVIL CRYPTO CURRENCY - motty writes,
   "I've invented a new cryptocurrency, the
   EmmaGoldCoin. Since it runs on the No Code
   platform, it's easy to use and 100% secure,
   with zero environmental impact. Part joke,
   part thought-experiment, maybe of interest to
   b3ta readers?" Ah fuck it, we can bung this
   in, but no NFT stuff ok?
 https://github.com/wgmyers/egx/blob/main/README.md
   * MAKING BOTS 101 - Your editor has got bored
   of people asking him how to create automated
   Twitter bots and has made a simple guide that
   really, most of you just need to read the
   first bit of, as that's the best bit as you
   don't need any code. So go and build some
   bots, you twats.
 https://robmanuelfuckyeah.substack.com/p/how-to-cr...
   * THE HUNT FOR MOON CATS - Michael.Wincott
   writes, "Heard of Moon Cats? They were all the
   rage in 1998 apparently. It’s not a fake
   Pikachu because a Pikachu is a fake Moon Cat.
   I want to track down the strange looking Moon
   Cats around the world. I’ve managed to clean
   out UK distributor ToyLand and the
   manufacturers say it was discontinued almost
   15 years ago. They must be out there. Got to
   find them all." Well, if you absolutely must.
 https://twitter.com/findthemooncat
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
   Click the Colour And Not The Word
   From the depths of the hell-pit of our old
   Flash games comes this one that works on the
   Stroop effect. We actually made it for some
   Jimmy Carr TV show on Channel 4 but it was so
   buried inside some other stuff that we pulled
   it out and launched it as its own game and C4
   never seemed to complain. Anyway thank fuck
   for emulation.
 https://www2.b3ta.com/clickthecolour/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
   Buy some lovely jeans you lovely people
   Each week we implore our readers to dress
   better with the help of Hebtro. You can bin
   your short-shorts and tank tops or whatever
   the fuck you lot wear and buy jeans that are
   build to climb mountains and eat steel. All
   made in the UK too.
 https://hebtro.co/shop/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions fessed up like cat vomit
   Each week you spit your Covid phlegm into the
   void and we scrub it down and offer up the
   meatiest chunks for the internet's delectation
   - here's our fav three:
   * RING - "I've inherited a beautiful signet
   ring that's been passed down the generations
   from 18th century aristocracy. However,
   whenever I have a wank, I can't help but think
   about my dad who must have also wanked wearing
   the ring. It's not ideal."
   * FACEBOOK - "When my ex broke up with me he
   left himself logged in to Facebook on my iPad.
   I occasionally go through his conversations
   and delete messages before he reads them. He
   has missed quite a few important things..."
   * LOTTO - "My ex has played the same numbers
   on the lottery for years, we divorced a couple
   of years ago and since then I've played 2
   lines of the same numbers as they do. If they
   - I mean we - win the jackpot they'll only get
   a 1/3 of the jackpot at most."
   Join the 329k people who should have their Zip
   Drives inspected by Cagney AND Lacey.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   ZX type-ins we've lifted from other magazines 
   * INSTANT ART CURATION - This site is creating
   lots of thematic galleries by choosing objects
   and asking AI to find any painting in their
   database of 90 galleries that contain it.
   Sadly, it's a list of preset words, and it is
   a highbrow site, so our gallery of things that
   look like dicks will have to wait.
 https://digitalcurator.art
   * FORTUNE COOKIES FOR EMOJI TWATS - Try and
   intuit what these emoji fortune cookies could
   mean for your future. The ambiguity means it
   works quite well to inspire meaning. I got a
   biscuit, a toilet and an ambulance light, so
   tomorrow should be fun.
 https://emojifortunes.lukecod.es
   * THE LIGHTHOUSE FAMILY - The first
   'frequently asked question' on this lighthouse
   website will make you feel a little sad. You
   want to feel sad don't you?
 https://alk.org.uk/faq/
   * PRIVACY IS DEAD PART 353 - You know when you
   pixelate text so that people can't read it?
   Well turns out AI can read it and everything
   is fucked now. Have fun applying this software
   to redacted government documents.
 https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/res...
   * WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TAT PEOPLE ARE SELLING
   NOW? Some chancer flogging children's coats as
   balaclavas has to be seen to be believed.
   We're looking at this for the third time and
   still laughing.
 https://twitter.com/themboydeerdog/status/14932574...
   * STUN YOUR FAMILY WITH MAGIC - The card trick
   at the start of this video is so simple and
   yet so effective, we had a lot of fun
   immediately trying it out on members of the
   official B3ta family.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FRIDAY GAME
   Some texty bullshit
   Hiding behind no design and a name that makes
   you assume it'll be yet another Wordle clone,
   this is a fun but impossible little game. Can
   you guess the word by how semantically similar
   the computer thinks it is to your previous
   guesses?
 https://semantle.novalis.org
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THE RETURN OF GOATSE CORNER
   Please don't bring this running feature back
   Adamsarmada tells us that he's spotted Goatse
   on streetview in South London. Looks like a
   bit of a stretch.
 https://www.google.com/maps/@51.4089508,-0.0410705...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
   Well sorta
   * BLACKFACE IN UK COMEDY - We asked you to
   make a website called "Has your hero done
   blackface?" and Jim Mode7 points out that yep,
   this already exists. Although to be fair, we
   imagined someone would do  a BETTER JOB of it.
 https://britishcomediansinblackface.tumblr.com/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
   Free ideas to kick you off
   * ADD THE LAMEST QUOTES FROM ALEX JAMES' SUN
   COLUMN TO WIKIQUOTE - it slightly horrifies us
   that the Blur bassist now writes for the Sun,
   but what is sort of amusing about it is that
   if you actually read the columns you can spot
   the bits that are him (rambling rock and roll
   anecdotes) and the bits added by some
   lifestyle journalist ("eat bananas for
   potassium!)
   * PUT EXPANDING FOAM FILLER IN YOUR HAIR LIKE
   CONDITIONER - this was something that went
   through our mind with some DIY this week and
   we'd rather you tried it rather than us.
   * A READER SUGGESTS - Greenbat writes, "Back
   in the 60's, it was a more innocent time, when
   a millionaire owning a private tropical island
   meant sci-fi aeroplanes and rescuing people.
   Why has nobody done a Thunderbirds/Geoffrey
   Epstein mashup?"
   Shove your ideas in our inbox - we really do
   read everything you send us. Even the
   complaints that we're shit.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
   support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
   special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
   NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
   Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
   Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
   We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
   Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
   Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
   and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
   and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
   you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
   appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
   Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
   Blarg. YAY!
   And do please donate as you get occasional
   "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
   Electricgoose apologises for the following 'gag'
   I once did some work on the side for Stanley
   Kubrick
   Moonlighting?
   Yes, but don't tell the conspiracy theorists!
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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