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   NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT NOMINATES *YOU* FOR THE PEDAL BIN, EVERY
   WEEK"
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 "THE NEWSLETTER THAT NOMINATES *YOU* FOR THE PEDAL BIN, EVERY WEEK"
 This Week:
 * SWEARDLE - play a shit but rude version of Wordle
 * READ THIS - Confessions of an Almost Rock Star
 * FROM THE ARCHIVES - Realistic Internet Simulator
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 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the apes
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by right clicking
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"
 B3ta email 801 - 007th Jan 2022 Miss Moneypenny
 Shout this issue up your own arse and apologise:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue801
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making brown cakes for the bog mouth
   * WORDLE? NOPE, IT'S SWEARDLE - Hagbardsapple
   writes, "All the fun of Wordle but with added
   swearing. It's SWEARDLE, the four-letter word
   game." Arse, tits and minge we should have
   thought of this. Well done.
 https://sweardle.glitch.me
   * CONFESSIONS OF AN ALMOST ROCK STAR - Michael
   M writes, "In the mid 00s I was in a band the
   NME called 'the most perfect new band ever',
   but I think it single handedly caused their
   decline in sales. So, 15 years later, I
   decided to write the memoirs of my time as a
   failed international rockstar, but got
   distracted by shiny baubles and only wrote one
   chapter about the time we spent in Japan." We
   want MORE of this, c'mon Michael, this gold,
   write more.
 https://medium.com/@michaelmphysics/youre-doing-it...
   * EGGPOD TACKLES 'GET BACK' - Chris Shaw from
   the Beatles podcast EggPod is working through
   January doing a podcast for every day of the
   Beatles Get Back project. We're four days in
   so far including great episodes from Joel
   Morris from Ladybird Books For Grown-ups, and
   Felix White from The Maccabees. Thanks Chris,
   that's January sorted for our bedtime
   listening.
 https://iamtheeggpod.com/2022/01/02/get-back-day-1...
   * HOW TO SKIVE - Paul Curry, onetime back-end
   coder for B3ta dot com, has been making a
   mouse jiggler so that you can skive off when
   you're wanking from home. He's given you full
   instructions for anyone who fancies getting
   handy with an Arduino. Sexy times, yes.
 https://gist.github.com/cr3ative/5dad5d425778db164...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FROM THE ARCHIVES
   Realistic Internet Simulator
 
   Back in the mid 1970s B3ta took the piss out
   of the endless pop-ups online and people were
   vaguely amused. Then Alan Sugar broke Flash
   and the game disappeared, but thanks to
   sophisticated emulation technology it's now
   back like Rick Astley. So click away and enjoy
   some DIY satire from the when the internet was
   made of unclosed table tags:
 https://www2.b3ta.com/realistic-internet-simulator...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
   Please sub to the Hebtroco mailing list ok?
   We worry about our sponsors Hebtro, those fine
   makers of British clothing, we worry that
   we're giving them a shit deal with their
   sponsorship of B3ta and Fesshole, so please
   assuage our guilt for taking their unmarked
   fivers by signing up for their mailing list
   where they'll keep you up to date with the
   fine products they're selling to you, the
   discerning trouser consumer. 
 https://hebtro.co/mailinglist/
   PS. This is a sincere thank you to Brant and
   Ed - thank you, you good men who we love in a
   non-sexual way. Although it could be sexual
   for the right price.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your festering fesses fessed up for fess fun
   Each week we ask you to vomit into a spittoon
   and we sieve out the meatiest chunks for
   internet dinner time:
   * HAIR OF THE COG - "I'm a jeweller and once
   had a locket to repair that contained a loved
   one's lock of hair which I carefully removed.
   The repair was delicate and I held my breath
   while doing it, as I finished I let that
   breath go and it blew the hair away. The
   locket now contains some of my hair."
   * PITCH THIS AS A FEATURE - "My other half
   keeps a list on her phone entitled 'things you
   shouldn't have to say to a man in his 40s'. It
   is obviously about me. My favourite entry is
   'please don't fart in the dishwasher'"
   * REMEMBER CASUAL SEX? REMEMBER? - "I once met
   a girl on a night out, she stayed at mine for
   the night, but in the morning I couldn't
   remember her name. So I took her to Starbucks
   for a coffee."
   Join the 255,000 people who need their 5.25"
   floppy disks inspected by the Chinese
   Detective. Link goes to the best of Dec 2021
   so it's worth a click coz you'll get the joy
   of reading 16 good ones, rather than any of
   the shit ones with 200 favs.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14788109002661...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Some links from the newsletter that missed Wordle
  
   * CRAP GAMES COMPO - It's the time of the year
   for the 2021 Sinclair Crap Games Competition
   results. Uncle Clive's death doesn't seem to
   have impacted things much this year, though
   maybe next year will be full of mildly
   inappropriate tributes where you play him in
   flip-screen colour-clash heaven. The Dirty
   Harry Simulator gets our vote for being both a
   quick well-executed gag, and an utterly crap
   game at the same time.
 https://rickdangerous.co.uk/csscgc2021/entries.htm...
   * SHIT ASMR - To be honest, we find most ASMR
   a bit unpleasant already, but this is going
   out of its way to create a horrible aural
   experience with a selection of mouth noises
   that absolutely no one will like. NEXT WEEK:
   Buffy's Swearing ASMR Simulator.
 https://nnnoise.com
   * CLEAN THIS FILTH - A nice little stress toy
   in which you can wipe a variety of surfaces
   squeaky clean, with no accidental permanent
   marker usage in sight. Hopefully they'll add
   an Etch-A-Sketch shaker to their list of
   things you can erase, or simulate an inbox of
   unread emails you can take the pleasure in
   mass deleting without reading.
 https://thedusting.zone
   * WHERE DO EELS COME FROM - a long and
   fascinating read that leaves you with a sense
   of mystery and wonder about the natural world.
 https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/05/25/wher...
   * AMERICA, FUCK YEAH - everyone's favourite
   song from Team America but reimagined as sung
   by an eagle. No, not Don Henley and his band
   of studio desperados, but an actual bird.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Murica:3
   * RADIOHEAD SUNG COUNTRY STYLE - there's a lot
   of this shit about, but it's nicely done. You
   will enjoy it. A bit.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Creep_Radiohead_Honky_Tonk_...
 ------------------------------------------------
 Who works 9 to 11:30?
 Dolly Parttime.
 (Thanks to 'The Porcupine From Purgatory')
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
   The world as seen through PaintShop Pro
   * Collapsibletank is dropping truth bombs on
   pigutainment
 https://b3ta.com/board/11358414
   * Cumquat May is Carrying On as before
 https://b3ta.com/board/11358409
   * Monkeon is worrying about climate change
 https://b3ta.com/board/11358323
   We've also got a challenge open for predicting
   2022 but it's not massively popular so maybe
   either fix that by entering it or wait until
   our next Photoshop bus arrives and hop on
   that, you bunch of fair-dodging bastards.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/predict2022/popular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
   Ideas to kick you off, not get you kicked off
   * TORY CHROME PLUGIN - Appease mad Tory MPs by
   making a plugin that plays the national anthem
   on every webpage. Add photos of the Queen too.
   But no Andrew. He's a *****.
   * COLDPLAY STOP MAKING MUSIC COUNTDOWN CLOCK -
   Chris Martin has promised to stop making music
   in 2025, we need a clock to countdown to this
   glorious day.
   * ONE GOOD JOKE ABOUT BORIS JOHNSON PER DAY
   TWITTER ACCOUNT - we have a theory that if you
   just do one thing, do it well, do it clearly
   and hammer it people will give in and follow
   you. So do it.
   Stick your content in our content maws:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
   support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
   special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
   NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
   Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
   Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
   We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
   Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
   Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
   and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
   and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping.
  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TOP TIP
   Non-lead characters in films. Don't let anyone
   know you have family, loved ones or dependents
   that you are looking forward to seeing again,
   as this will certainly result in your death.
   (Bunglist)
 https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
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   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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