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   NEWSLETTER: "#BORIS4XMASNO1 BUY THE SINGLE NOW! HTTP://BORISJOHNSON.INFO/
   "
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 This Week:
 * HELP KUNT - get to no. 1 in the charts & our hearts
 * WHERE'S BONO? - Topical online game for 2021
 * DEATHS OF THE YEAR - as is traditional
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the Christmas charts
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"
 B3ta email 800 - 22nd Dec 2021
 Sing this issue to Johnson calling him a C***
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue800
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than making sweet love to their hands
   * GET 'BORIS JOHNSON IS STILL A F***ING C**T
   TO NO 1 FOR XMAS - finally the single is out
   and there's just time for you to buy it. You
   can buy all eleven versions on iTunes and
   Amazon, including a version with your
   newsletter editor and his children and other
   old b3tan stalwarts like Dan Bull and
   Cassetteboy. Also please stream on repeat.
   There's 24 hour playlist links on the page.
 http://borisjohnson.info
   * WHERE'S BONO? Your editor suggested that
   Monkeon make a game to test your memory of the
   classic Band Aid group photo. We found Marilyn
   in 1.2 seconds. Yay us!
 https://www.monkeon.co.uk/wheresbono
   * DEATHS OF THE YEAR - Dr Dunno AKA Chris
   Barker has made his yearly tally of what
   celebs have died in the style of the SGT
   Pepper album cover.
 https://b3ta.com/board/11357154
   * REMEMBER NOSTALGIA - Jason Scott of the
   Internet Archive writes,  "Another major
   milestone (for me, anyway) in the road to
   Flash emulation of the pre-2005 era: The HEY
   HEY 16K music video - a love letter to the ZX
   Spectrum is now functioning with background
   video being played. Bravo to the Ruffle team."
   This is great news and means we'll be getting
   some of B3ta's old flash content up on our
   website soon:
 https://archive.org/details/heyhey16k
   * DESTROY MATT ROUND WITH 'HAMPSTERS' - Matt
   Round has updated Vole.WTF so you can go to
   any page & choose the menu option DESTROY THIS
   PAGE to wreck it with explosives, hampsters
   and more.
 http://vole.wtf
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
   Gift vouchers for jeans and stuff init
   Our sponsor is now selling gift vouchers, so
   if you're looking for a last minute Christmas
   present for someone and think lovely clothes
   are a great idea but you'd want them to choose
   them themselves then get to it:
 https://hebtro.co/product/hebtroco-gift-voucher/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions fessed up for cheap likes
   Each week you shit in a bin and we strain for
   gold:
   * TEABAGS - "Every morning since 1st January
   this year, I have been throwing a teabag into
   my cup from a distance of about 2 metres. It's
   not that far, but I haven't missed yet. Every
   morning the pressure builds as I try to make
   it a calendar year without missing. It's
   getting very tense."
   * LOCKDOWN - "Since lockdown started, I've
   watched 1,700 episodes of The Bill during work
   hours and no one has noticed. Hopefully I'll
   see all of them before I'm back full time."
   * BUZZING - "Put my vibrators, butt plugs etc
   in the dishwasher on a Sunday night for a deep
   clean. My cleaners came a day early and I came
   home to find them arranged neatly on my bed.
   Absolutely mortifying."
   Join the 221,000 people who should have their
   microfiches inspected by Magnum P.I.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14708265172865...
 -------------------------------------------------
 We're saddened to learn about the death of Toby
 Slater who was knocking around in our world
 during early days B3ta stuff. We remember a man
 who was easy with his praise and eternally
 fascinated by how things work.
 https://www.nme.com/news/music/toby-slater-of-brit...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Fresh hotlinks from Tim Berners-Lee's kitchen
   * WEB FREE NOT WEB3 - Enjoy the schadenfreude
   of these awful web3 stories while you can, as
   there seems to be enough money behind it to
   make this horrible vision of the future real.
 https://web3isgoinggreat.com
   * BBC SNOWFLAKES - Of course, real nerds don't
   buy NFTs, they buy generative snowflakes
   minted (PRINT "YOUR NAME HERE") by a BBC Micro
   for a good cause.
 https://ko-fi.com/post/Charity-snowflake-generator...
   * BUSY SIMULATOR - Pretend you are either very
   important or are today's ground zero of social
   media hate by setting off all your phone's app
   sounds at once.
 https://busysimulator.com
   * TEXT TO EMOJI - An attempt to add relevant
   emojis to any block of text you give it. Fun
   to paste song lyrics into, or you could
   probably run a dreadful Amazon business in
   which you automate printing every
   out-of-copyright book as an emoji edition as a
   "fun" stocking-filler.
 https://kevingal.com/apps/emojipasta.html
   * DATES IN MOVIES - a Twitter account that
   celebrates dates in movies, you know, like the
   inception date of the replicants in Blade
   Runner etc.
 https://twitter.com/DatesInMovies
   * CLEAN YOUR TEEN THE WOLVERHAMPTON WAY -
   Horrible public information film from 1960s
   Wolverhampton about how to clean your teeth
   that makes it look like we were all living in
   poverty in soviet Russia. Maybe we were. Maybe
   it really was that shit.
 https://www.macearchive.org/films/how-use-your-too...
 ------------------------------------------------
 What's the easiest way to prepare for a Turkish
 fast food-themed fancy dress party? Don a kebab.
  (Thx Ghostwriter)
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
   The word through the eyes of MSPaint
   * Pedantichrist makes the nerdy Christmas joke
   you wish YOU'D made:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11357323
   * Monkeon making a religious movie crossover:
 https://b3ta.com/board/11357189
   * And it's Dr Dunno reminding us that politics
   is a thing
 https://b3ta.com/board/11357475
   We've also got a celebrity Christmas card
   challenge open:
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/celebrityxmascards/popu...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
   Other than a gift card for free handjobs
   * REALISTIC 'SEX AND THE CITY' REBOOT - where
   Carrie is writing a Substack, podcasting and
   begging for ko-fi, whilst getting fuck all
   commissions other than the odd Guardian
   Comment Is Free for about £100 and two days of
   people calling you an arsehole.
   * COVID RACER - some sort of game where the
   graphs of the infections is a slope for you to
   climb in Boris's bus.
   * GOODBYE - Rewrite The Beloved's Hello as
   Goodbye and make all the newly dead for the
   year rhyme, and do it every year to tie in
   with Chris Barker's Sgt Pepper stuff. Actually
   don't do this, well not unless you're very
   good at songs and can make it not horrible.
   Stick your penis in our inbox:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
   support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
   special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
   NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
   Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
   Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
   We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
   Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
   Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
   and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
   and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping.
  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TOP TIP
   Avoid the international ban on ivory by buying
   a live elephant. (Ugi)
 https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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