we love the web
    
   email us
   go to messageboard newsletter archive home
   NEWSLETTER: "YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO 'GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING EVER' HAS
   LAPSED"
   next issue »
   « previous issue

 This Week:
 * IMAGINARY PAINT COLOURS - from Rock'n'Roll names
 * NEW VIDEO - for Kunt's no. 1 Xmas bid
 * GAME - Practise 'having a girlfriend' simulator
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web much
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | like Jesus is saving with
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the Woolwich... not at all"
 B3ta email 799 - 10 Dec 2021
 Read this issue to your rubber duck for new ideas:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue799
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than sinister jam that the neighbours hate
   * ROCK AND ROLL PAINT - Monkeon has made a
   thing that makes paint/pop puns like MARIGOLD
   FAITHFULL and NICKEL BERRY. He tells us, "I
   saw the original magazine article on Twitter
   and thought that my pun finder script should
   be able to generate new ones quite easily, as
   well as it being a piece of piss to recreate
   in CSS. Some are shit, some work pretty well."
   BTW: If you know anything about the mysterious
   original infographic creator Pat Arthur then
   please do get in touch.
 https://monkeon.co.uk/rockandrollpaints/
   * THRICE NAMED ANIMAL TRUMPS - Matt Round has
   been amused that there's animals with 'triple
   tautonym' names such as an otter called 'lutra
   lutra lutra' and he's turned them into
   printable Top Trumps. He tells us, "I launched
   this thing featuring HappyToast artwork, just
   one of those projects where I decided to make
   a simple thing because it was fun & easy to
   do, rather than having a hook or something."
 https://vole.wtf/triple-tautonyms/
   * KUNT'S GLITTER VIDEO - Seeing as we're
   full-throatedly supporting Kunt's plan to
   crash the Christmas charts with his song
   'Boris Johnson Is Still A Cunt' then it would
   be amiss of us to not mention that he's got a
   new video out, yes a different one to last
   week, with this one riffing off an imaginary
   Top Of The Pops appearance instead of the KLF.
   Remember to download and stream from 17
   December, all ten bloody remixes.
 https://twitter.com/kuntandthegang/status/14692163...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
   You know, jeans and stuff, all British made
   Pull your finger out and sort out your
   Christmas presents ok? You don't want to be
   that twat wandering around TK-Maxx on
   Christmas Eve looking at absolute crap going
   "will this do?" Buy your presents NOW:
 https://hebtro.co/shop/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FESSHOLE
   Your festering confessions fessed up for likes
   Each week you shit in a bin and we swill it
   around looking for turds that we can show
   people going "does this smell right to you?"
   * DIRTY CONFESSION - "Put my vibrators, butt
   plugs etc in the dishwasher on a Sunday night
   for a deep clean. My cleaners came a day early
   and I came home to find them arranged neatly
   on my bed. Absolutely mortifying."
   * WORK CONFESSION - "I used to work with
   someone who was so catastrophically shit at
   their job that much of my time was spent
   fixing basic fuckups caused by their laziness
   and ineptitude. When they left, the office had
   a whip round and I pretended to put in some
   money but I actually took out £20."
   * CAR CONFESSION - "A random cheery stranger
   once jumped into my car and greeted me with a
   hearty 'ALRIGHT DICKHEAD?' to which I replied
   'I've no idea who you are mate.' He
   immediately apologised and left. This should
   really be his confession, but I couldn't be
   bothered waiting any longer."
   Join the 211k people who should have their
   private cine reel collections examined by
   Columbo.
 https://twitter.com/fesshole
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Content from outside the B3ta universe
   * IT'S TREKMAS! We're only going to link one
   Christmas song and it's Captain Jean Luc
   Picard "singing" All I Want For Christmas Is
   You. No, Paul Weller, THAT'S entertainment.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Merry_Christmas:23
   * CAN TECHNOLOGY JUST STOP? In ideas that
   should mean Elon Musk is sent to the moon and
   left there, Tesla now has video games for the
   driver to play whilst driving. Our
   civilisation doesn't deserve to exist.
 https://archive.md/8Mo44
   * EMOJI WHIMSY - Making a silly version of a
   popular site is usually a good way to find a
   project.  This site has made a scale-of-things
   visualiser but using emojis, and it seems to
   be doing pretty well.
 https://javier.xyz/emoji-to-scale/
   * WEIRD SOUND LOOPER - Imagine you are Brian
   Eno or David Byrne making My Life In The Bush
   of Ghosts by collecting sound samples from
   around the world. Enjoyable enough to randomly
   click buttons and enjoy the silly noises,
   though it feels like there's probably smarter
   ways to play with it and make art.
 https://globalsequencer.com
   * WELCOME TO OMEGA MART - Enjoyably surreal
   comedy skit about an imaginary supermarket.
   Kinda what Look Around You might be like if it
   was American.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Omega_Mart
   * FURIOUS TARZAN MASTURBATION - Tarzan doll
   that looks like it's wanking. That's the link.
   Yes. You might think "what's the point in
   clicking?", as there's nothing more to it, but
   seeing something with your own eyes has a
   reality to it which words can't always convey.
  
 https://b3ta.com/links/Tarzan_Toy:2
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FRIDAY GAMES
   Practice Girlfriend Simulator
   Learn to be good on dates by practising on a
   selection of inanimate objects and avoiding
   the socially awkward pitfalls that make you
   look like a weirdo in this realistic dating
   simulator.
 https://drewtrager.legboot.com
 ------------------------------------------------
 What's the difference between tarka dal and
 regular dal? Tarka's a little 'otter.
 Thank you, Horace.
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
   The world as seen from CorelDRAW 7.0
   * Captn Hood-Butter drives the Boris Bus into
   the wall of lies
 https://b3ta.com/board/11356950
   * Chumps points out exactly how the MET police
   aid the Government
 https://b3ta.com/board/11357024
   * Whilst The Twisted Omentum finally aims his
   guns at Mother Teresa
 https://b3ta.com/board/11356702
   In other news there's over 100 entries in our
   religious movies challenge, do make sure you
   check that out before you shuffle off your
   mortal coil and join the choir invisible with
   that bloke from Bronski Beat and him from the
   Monkees.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/religiousmovies/popular
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS
   What happened next
   * EVERY SECOND SONG REACHES MILESTONE - a
   B3tan launched project you may remember is
   this counter that counts up songs from 1
   second in length and upwards. Now at 2
   minutes, we're looking forward to the prog
   years.
 https://twitter.com/EverySecondSong
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
   Some ideas to kick you off
   * POLITICS FOR ALTS - Run a
   PoliticsForAll-style account with pretty much
   the same content but not run by a Brexiteer
   Tory. Pretty sure you could crowdfund a wage
   to get someone to do that. Or make
   PopiticsForAll that's just a series of stupid
   headlines mashed with old pop stars.
   * MAKE YOUR OWN VIZ STRIP - "Bojo the
   incompetent clown who gives jobs to his mates"
   where he outsources the custard pie production
   to his mates at Eton and gets back a bowl of
   rancid lard.
   * LITERALLY BOT - There's probably a twitter
   account idea republishing headlines that use
   literally in an irritating way and go "nope,
   that's not what literally means"
   Shove your shite in our inbox:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost romantically.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
   support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
   special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
   NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
   Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
   Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
   We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
   Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
   Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
   and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
   and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
   Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
   the super generous Paul Topping.
  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TOP TIP
   Save time, money and a possible animal cruelty
   suit by buying the complete works of
   Shakespeare. (spanishfly)
 https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

   next issue »
   « previous issue
   Newsletter
   We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net.

   _____________________ [ go ]
   --------------------
   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
   --------------------

   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

   READ LATEST ISSUE
   archive