we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOU WILL OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2009" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * NIRVANA - misheard lyrics * FESSHOLE - 'sex special'. Eek. * PHOTOSHOPS - Your best ones this week ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web ___/ _ |/_ > Smells Like Tweet Spirit misheard lyrics<< Merkinhead writes, "Did this six years ago and it was taken down within 24h. Now seems to be back up again so reposting for the 30th anniversary of Nevermind." This is a work of entertainment genius. https://b3ta.com/links/Nerdpunna_Smells_Like_Tweet... ------------------------------------------------- : BEST PHOTOSHOPS THIS WEEK Your pixels, judged in our Turnip Prize * Celebrating the release of the new James Bond film with a Bond gag. ((a)lexistwit) https://b3ta.com/board/11352035 * Timely comment on the petrol crisis. (The Twisted Omentum) https://b3ta.com/board/11352318 * A rather lovely David Hockney / Nirvana mash-up. (Plankton) https://b3ta.com/board/11352248 Quite why we've never done a 'best photoshops this week' before is because we're absolute idiots. Will probably do it again next week. Or not if we forget. ------------------------------------------------- : FESSHOLE SEX SPECIAL Mucky ones this week Each week we ask you to jizz your confessions over the vicar and he selects the stickiest lumps for your delectation and pleasure: * WETHERSPOOGE - "My wife and I have had sex in the bathroom of 36 of the approx 60 Wetherspoons in Scotland. We started actively trying to tick them off after number 3. We don't even like Wetherspoons." * LUBE - My 4 yr old walked into our bedroom and asked what smelled like sweeties. I said I didn't know, but I did. It was the strawberry flavoured lube I was using to lube his mum's bum hole with before he walked in and ruined the fun. * TRUTH - "I love watching my husband trying to reverse onto our drive - it's hilarious seeing him struggle. It's also a pretty good illustration of why I have to rub my own clit during sex." Join the 182,000 people who should have their fax machines examined by Mrs Marple. Link goes to the best of August so it's worth a click (or tap for people on their internet telephones) for the peg confession alone. https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14433188939850... ------------------------------------------------- * KLF HEADS TAKE NOTE - Do you want a two hour version of the KLF's Chill Out? Well not exactly but we've made a playlist of Come Down Dawn + many of the missing tracks that were sampled on Chill Out and we find it pretty enjoyable anyway. Also, if you see Bill and Jimmy, can you ask them to get on with the apparently stalled reissues? https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2bzyYbz9YHYENIfj... ------------------------------------------------- : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP "Don't be a dick" socks Do you ever worry that you're being a dick? Then remind yourself not to be dick by wearing 'don't be a dick' socks. Or, maybe you work for an absolute dick, wear these socks to echo your daily thoughts and commit a small and secret act of rebellion. https://hebtro.co/product/menace-dick-socks/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Content made by people we quietly dislike * GOOGLE STREET VIEW 1914 - A set of photos from the past that fit nicely into a Streetview-esque format. Pop on your smartest hat and take a relaxing stroll in the past. https://stroll-down-flatbush.chriswhong.com * ADVANCED TOASTER SIMULATOR - press space to pop up some toast. Then press it again and again and again until you have enough toast. A real-life version would make a fantastic Robot Wars contestant. https://colombage.itch.io/fumee-des-miettes * HOW DEEP IS THE STRID? Cure fans who've ever wondered where the cover of Faith was shot know that the place is called Bolton Abbey and it also features "the Strid" one of the most dangerous bits of water in the UK. But how deep is it? Let's use sonar to find out. https://www.youtube.com/watch * SOUP VS ART - Did you know that Terry Pratchett changed publisher in Germany because they were inserting soup adverts into his stories? BTW: If any German publishers wish to plant adverts for soup all over B3ta then please get in touch. https://gmkeros.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/terry-pra... * IS THIS ART JUSTIFIED? Interesting Twitter thread pointing out what a work of art an ancient fan-made FAQ on an old SNES game is. No really, come back, and appreciate the art. https://twitter.com/mattgemmell/status/14414974985... * STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, BAVARIAN EDITION - you didn't know you wanted gangsta rap sung as an oom-pah song did you? But you do, you so do. https://b3ta.com/links/Straight_outta_Compton_Bava... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Beat Barry Manilow and draw a perfect triangle Can you draw a perfect... equilateral triangle. Not quite the challenge of Matt Round's circle game, but still tough. https://paytoreplace.com/triangular/ ------------------------------------------------ What do you get if you cross nuclear power with a potato? Fission chips. Thanks 'drpdrp1' - have you also written a joke you need to apologise for? Trained clowns are waiting for your post. https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/ ------------------------------------------------- : FROM THE B3TA INBOX Your missives back to us Nikhildhanabal writes, "Hello. I saw in your newsletter that we could make an "Unscientific Calculator", so here's mine. If you click one of the numbers, it will output a random conspiracy theory or pseudoscientific belief." Hmm, it's a bit bare bones - but yes that's the rough idea. http://htmlpreview.github.io/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Ideas for free This week our suggested ideas will be to help the government out of their multitude of crises. * SOLVE THE HGV DRIVER SHORTAGE - draft everyone who's played Eurotruck Simulator including Limmy. * SOLVE THE MET POLICE CRISIS - well really shouldn't they just be announcing an investigation which will take years to complete, thus kicking it into the long grass? Anything's got to be better than telling women it's their own fault for not knowing which police are trouble or not. * SOLVE THE EVERYTHING CRISIS - by... oh we're not going to say it, you know what the answer is. Stick your balls in our inbox: https://b3ta.com/mailus ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS We love all these people. Almost romantically. *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON JAMES* *STOOBERT* 24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round additional links; HappyToast for image challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter. Love you. And do please donate as you get occasional "bonus" content. Maybe. https://www.patreon.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP Convince children that they've shrunk by serving them dinner on a metre wide plate with cabbages in place of sprouts (drimble) https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive