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   NEWSLETTER: "NOEL GALLAGHER NEVER TOPPED HIS EARLY WORK AS THE INSPIRAL
   CARPETS' ROADIE"
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 "Noel Gallagher never topped his early work as
 the Inspiral Carpets' roadie"
 This Week:
 * SNOPES OR NOPES - fake news quiz fun
 * NEW SPONSOR - yes, we got another!, thx UPSHOT
 * SOME SHIT JOKES - sorry about these, really
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   every Friday since
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    2001... together"
 
 B3ta email 768 - 30 Apr 2021
 Read this issue to your poor bloody mother:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue768
 -------------------------------------------------
 :  UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
    Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
   If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
   weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
   controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
   of British sport.
   Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
   sporting filth every Friday.
 https://upshot.email/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than huffing glue
   * SNOPES OR NOPES - Monkeon has made a quiz
   that asks you to guess whether Snopes comes
   down with true or false on the stories they
   cover. RECOMMENDED!
 https://monkeon.co.uk/snopesornopes/
   * GOLF VS SNOOKER - Squiggy writes, "Are you
   familiar with a little obscure game called
   pool? How about an even more obscure game from
   my homeland called golf? What happens if you
   play pool with rules like golf, you get my
   very creatively named game, Steven Pool!" Next
   week: Skittle darts.
 http://www.pc-stuff.co.uk/sp
 -------------------------------------------------
 What did Noel Gallagher say after kindly fitting
 a hearing aid to a deaf insect?
 "Bee hear now"
 -------------------------------------------------
 
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions fessed-up like fur balls
   * LESBIANS - "Ever since my asshole boss found
   out I'm a lesbian, he's been "jokingly" trying
   to get me to have a threesome with him and his
   girlfriend. He doesn't know I've already
   fucked her twice at work xmas parties."
   * EMBARRASSING - "The music went quiet in the
   strip club and everyone heard me open my
   Velcro wallet."
   * JUST NOPE - "Scrolling my wife's friend's
   insta I accidentally liked an 8 year old's
   bikini pic so now I need a new identity and to
   move to Brazil."
   Read the best-of for March 2021 - really an
   extraordinary month - we don't think we've put
   out a better best-of. We've peaked lads - all
   downhill now. 
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13874118883892...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IT JUST MADE US LAUGH
   Stuff that you might have missed if you don't tweet
   * PEOPLE JUST CAN'T BACK DOWN CAN THEY?
   Assuming exchange on why we shouldn't
   reintroduce bears to the UK.
 https://twitter.com/JJDodders/status/1385019830257...
   * HOW NFTs REALLY WORK - we completely agree
   with all this unless someone wants to give us
   half a billion dogecoin for a NFT of the
   furtive bear icon.
 https://twitter.com/yogthos/status/138757003413914...
   * SOOTY AND SWEEP GO TO A NIGHT CLUB - so much
   to unpack here, does everyone want to fuck
   puppets? Matthew's kick dancing - just watch
   in awe.
 https://twitter.com/archivetvmus71/status/13856396...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
   Yes, buy lovely woolly socks
   Do you own feet at the end of your legs? Well
   Hebtroco have a product called "socks" that
   work as kind of innertubes for your shoes so
   that you don't have to throw away your shoes
   every day. Buy some now, they're toasty and
   warm and will save you a fortune.
 https://hebtro.co/product-category/sock_range/
 -------------------------------------------------
 What's the difference between Tubular Bells and
 pubeular smells? Nothing. Both involve Mike
 Oldfield's dong. (sorry)
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff made by other people in the content mines
   * APPLE FAIL NOISE NOSTALGIA - Apple computers
   used to make a noise when the machine failed
   to boot up. They become surprisingly silly
   over time.  Far more fun than your Brian Eno
   Windows yawn.
 https://512pixels.net/2021/04/mac-chimes-of-death/
   * HOW (NOT?) TO MAKE MONEY FROM A WEB HIT -
   the person who made the istheshipstillstuck
   site writes about getting 50 million views,
   trying to make some money from it.
 https://notfunatparties.substack.com/p/inside-a-vi...
  * INFINITE ACID BANGER - there's been more than
  one web tool that lets you make 303/808 noises
  but this has a nice random pattern generator so
  you don't even have to drop in the notes
  yourself.
 https://www.vitling.xyz/toys/acid-banger/
  * JOHN LYDON INTERVIEW - there was a lot of love
  this weekend for the Lydon interview where he
  atoned for being brexity by telling us the
  wonderful stuff he does for his ailing wife and
  it's genuinely rather moving. But really the
  best bit is him admitting to spending $10k on
  power-ups for some shit iPad game. Ever feel
  like you've been cheated?
 https://archive.ph/fNu6d
   * THIS WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO BUY A PLOTTER -
   plotters are back and better than before.
   Doesn't it make you want to download Dr Logo
   for your Amstrad CPC?
 https://www.patreon.com/posts/so-i-bought-50584517
   * AI GENERATED PLAY - AI has now come for the
   job of Samuel Beckett in this auto-generated
   play about two people unable to arrange a time
   to meet up. It put our teeth on edge - just
   bloody fix a time and do it, you stupid
   computer twats.
 https://jamesyu.org/a/things-are-a-little-crazy-rn...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
   Your "joke" - published to shame you
   Joke from "Graham Coxon out of Blur" but
   presumably not that one, as why would he be
   hanging out on a twenty year old messageboard,
   has written a joke:
   "Nigel Farage popped round earlier to pick up
   his copy of the Ian Curtis biopic he'd lent me
   over Christmas. He was taking back control."
   If you've written a joke and would like to say
   sorry then we've got a home for you - and this
   week we've include the correct link instead of
   guessing it and getting it wrong:
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   This week: Advertising in old films
   A tech company has unveiled a way to put
   adverts into old films. Show them how bad an
   idea this would be by putting inappropriate
   products into cinema classics.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/oldfilmads
 -------------------------------------------------
 How does the protagonist in The Shining download
 movies? Jack torrents
 -------------------------------------------------
 : YOUR ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
   Three of the worst
   The reason we don't generally round up
   @anon_opin in this newsletter unlike @fesshole
   is that the joy of anon_opin is the rows it
   creates and the statements themselves don't
   lend themselves to being listed without the
   replies. However, here's three that made us
   giggle but they're not hugely indicative of
   the wider content:
   * EDGY "The film Schindlers List should have
   included some funny outtakes during the end
   titles. That way the audience would have left
   the cinema feeling a little cheerier after
   watching such a harrowing film."
   * HOT-TAKES - "What I find ironic is that
   people like Piers Morgan who can't understand
   non-binary genders, and yet he can manage to
   be a massive cock and a huge cunt at the same
   time"
   * FROM THE LAVS - "Bidets should be a legal
   requirement in all UK toilets. We are the arse
   barbarians of Europe."
  Link goes to the recent ones with most replies
  as that's where the rows are:
 https://twitter.com/search
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS
   What happened next on previous stories
   * MUSHY AID - we asked you to raise money for
   old B3tonian Mushybees who has come down with
   a bad case of the BIG C and you've thrown in
   over 5k and they say, "Thank you so much. It
   helped more than I can say. Everyone who
   contributed, LOVE YOU."
 https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-katie-aka-mushybee...
   And Mushy's tweet account here:
 https://twitter.com/beesesteeses
   * BIRMINGHAM IT'S NOT SHIT BOOK - Jon Bounds
   writes, "It has been 18 years since I started
   Birmingham: It's Not Shit. The exact day,
   dunno, but it didn't really take off until
   @robmanuel made a silly song and put it in the
   @b3ta newsletter. On Friday 2 May 2003, around
   teatime. To celebrate, we have a plan:"
 https://kickstarter.com/projects/paradisecircus/bi...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Three music ideas for you to riff on
   * USE AI TO RETUNE AC/DC - so all their riffs
   use the power chords A, C, D, then C.
   * WHAT NTH BEATLE ARE YOU? If George Martin is
   the 5th Beatle then what number are you?
   Points for having been near a Beatle, or
   literally being Ringo.
   * EBONY & IVORY REWORKED - we've been thinking
   about this and trust us, the chorus is good,
   it's the verse that lets it down. Needs a mash
   up where the verse is Mr Blobby smashing
   everything up and screaming this:
 https://twitter.com/WorstBlobby/status/13844137886...
   Go on, make some stuff, you lazy fuck shits
   who don't deserve us: 
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost sexually.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
   other. Proofing by Kat E.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
   Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
   Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
   Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
   Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
   Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
   Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
   Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and
   do please donate as you get occasional bonus
   content.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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