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   NEWSLETTER: "ELEVATOR PITCH: LET'S REPLACE STAIRS WITH A LARGE BOX ON A
   PULLEY"
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 "Elevator pitch: let's replace stairs with a large box on a pulley"
 This Week:
 * LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND - the semi return
 * WOMEN - now celebrated for their sophistication
 * ADVICE - from the old to the young
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the web
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"
 B3ta email 767 - 23rd Apr 2021
 Read this issue to your dog and see if he cares:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue767
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
   Other than sweet sweet love with their hand
   * LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND RETURNS - older
   readers might remember Log's project where he
   collects playground stories - it was a massive
   hit back in the day and he's relaunching as a
   social media project. If you've got funny
   stories about playing soggy biscuit then pop
   them in the form.
 http://bit.ly/LotP-Form
   * LADY FUNK - CliveGratton brings us this fun
   tribute to sophisticated ladies everywhere.
   Brought a smile to these jaded lips it did.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Sophisticated_Lady
   * WETHERSPOONS MINDFULNESS APP - Mrmenfolk is
   making jokes about missing the 'Spoons.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Wetherspoons_Mindfulness_Ap...
 -------------------------------------------------
 
 : FESSHOLE
   Your confessions fessed-up like fur balls
   Each week we ask you to type nonsense into a
   form and we publish the worst:
   * PANTS - "To my husband, as you live on your
   phone/Twitter and follow fesshole.... stop
   complaining about your lack of sex and change
   your underwear more than 2-3 times a week. I
   do the laundry, I know"
   * DUNGAREES - "My partner spent a fortune on
   some dungarees. He thinks he looks 'arty' but
   he looks like a fucking overgrown toddler and
   now I'm repulsed by him."
   * ADVICE - "I'm 78 yrs old. Never smoked,
   hardly drink. My wife died 8 years ago. I have
   all my faculties and it's fucking abysmal. All
   I do is wake up with random pains, and it's
   all likely cancer. I go for a piss and then my
   dick decides to carry on after I've finished.
   Kids... Do drugs!"
   Join the 124k people who should know better:
 https://twitter.com/fesshole/
 -------------------------------------------------
 Maybe if the BBC had a channel called BBC
 Respect and it just broadcast flags and photos
 of important Tories and Royals all day and then
 the rest of the output could be left alone?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff made by other people in the content mines
   * JOKE ORIGINS - Fascinating deep dive into
   the origin of the Yes Minister bit that goes
   "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly
   who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read
   by people who think they run the country..."
   Excellent storytelling that really takes you
   on a journey.
 http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2021/04/what-the-papers-s...
   * MINING BITCOIN ON YOUR COMMODORE 64 - The
   main value in Bitcoin seems to be in being
   able to show off your hipster credentials by
   owning some.  And what could be more hipster
   than mining it on something retro, in this
   case a Commodore 64?  Unfortunately this needs
   to be run for hundreds of years to work, by
   which time more efficient bitcoin miners will
   have killed the planet. Next week: how to sell
   NFTs on your Oric Atmos.
 https://github.com/ytmytm/c64-bitcoin-miner
   * TETRIS VS SNAKE - together at last, and
   tougher than you'd think. If you're bored and
   looking for game ideas, how about Sam Fox's
   Strip Minecraft?
 https://ouro-eight.itch.io/pixel-fill
   * AMUSING ARTICLE - A Planet Zoo player has
   bred an ostrich taller than the Statue of
   Liberty. The same game previously developed an
   economy that resulted in players mass-farming
   mutated animals.
 https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/a-planet-zoo-play...
   * SINGLE USE WEBSITE - for all your wet clap
   needs. Yuck.
 https://wetclap.com/
 -------------------------------------------------
 How did the Werewolf get its meal?
 Deliveroo00oo00oo
 If you've written a joke and would like to say
 sorry then we've got a home for you:
 https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Art Jobs
   With Covid closing museums, works of art need
   to find a new source of income. Send paintings
   and sculptures out to work.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/artjobs
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
   Yes, buy those sweary scarves
   Do you have a cold neck and love swearing?
   Thank fuck Hebtroco are here to sell you
   swearing scarves. WARNING: Wearing these might
   make you so attractive to the people you want
   to bang that you might be overwhelmed in sex
   offers.
 https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/
 -------------------------------------------------
 Kids shouldn't be named until they're old enough
 to think of something for themselves, like our
 son Sniper Playstation 5.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : DEAR UNCLE B3TA
   Letters to the HQ
   * DOG IN A COAT - Kathleen asks "Odd request.
   In 2002, I found a flash movie called "Dog in
   a Coat" from the links board and it was
   amazing. I feel like it might have been a
   popular thing at the time. Anyway, I was
   wondering if you have any working links or any
   thoughts on how I might go about tracking this
   down. In 2002, this flash movie was a big deal
   for us and I'd like to surprise my sister with
   it as she's kind of down right now. Any
   thoughts?" The man you want is called Andy
   Kelk and he's on Twitter, but god knows if he
   still has the file and could be arsed to
   convert it to video.
   * SPOOKY STORY - s.jarvis365 writes, "I
   remember reading a short story from one of
   your newsletter about a man who died and met
   an angel who then told the man that he had
   died before and in fact is everyone else in
   the world and each time he does he becomes
   someone else in the world." Yep. It's called
   The Egg and the guy who wrote it went on to
   write The Martian. 
 http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html
   Send us your missive:
 http://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Make some stuff that's not totally guff
   * FUCK OVER THE SPECTATOR BOT - you can get
   past the paywall on the Spectator site by
   adding /amp to the end of their URLs. It would
   be a terrible thing if someone wrote a bot
   that looked for Spectator URLS on Twitter and
   replied with a working link.
   * STREAMLINE NEW EMOJI PRODUCTION - Unicode
   are looking for new Emoji proposals but they
   want them all drawn up and submitted properly.
   There's a role for a clearing house there -
   crowdsource ideas, get them drawn up by an
   artist, submit them in a more complete state
   than "there should be an Emoji for sausages -
   not just a hotdog"
   * COIN TOSSING - now in blockchain. Might as
   well. Everything else is.
   Go on, make some stuff, you lazy shits: 
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   We love all these people. Almost sexually.
   *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
   MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
   JAMES* *STOOBERT*
   24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
   EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
   LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
   VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
   SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
   ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
   Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
   lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
   Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
   Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
   Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
   Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
   blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
   McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
   Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
   Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
   Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
   Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
   Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
   James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
   Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
   Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
   James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
   Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
   Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
   McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
   Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
   Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
   Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
   Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
   Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
   Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
   Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
   bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
   Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
   wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
   Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
   Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
   Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
   Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
   Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
   Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
   Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
   Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
   Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
   Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
   Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
   Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
   Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
   Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
   Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
   Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
   Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
   Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
   McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
   Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
   Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
   Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
   Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
   Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
   Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
   Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
   Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
   Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
   Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
   Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
   peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
   Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
   Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
   Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
   Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
   Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
   Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
   John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
   Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
   Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
   Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
   olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
   M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
   Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
   Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
   Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
   Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
   Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
   Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
   Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
   McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
   Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
   Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
   Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
   Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
   Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
   Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
   Kahn, Matt.
   EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
   additional links; HappyToast for image
   challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
   other. Proofing by Kat E.
   And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
   Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
   Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
   Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
   NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
   Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
   Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
   Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
   further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
   James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
   Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
   Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
   please donate as you get bonus content (Rob
   shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
   hate it.)
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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