we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHAT IDIOT CALLED IT A SEMICOLON INSTEAD OF HALF-ARSED?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * RESEARCH - Does buying into Spotify playlists work? * SWEARCLOCK RELAUNCHED - Crowdsourced time-wank * PICTURES - that move with the power of animation ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving, we are ___/ _ |/_ > Swearclock 2.0 << Your editor has relaunched Swearclock after it stopped posting for some boring technical reason, so version 2.0 uses YOUR SWEARS rather than the algo generated swears of the past. So far you've submitted 3,500 cunty phrases and they're worth a read in the Google doc if you've got a strong stomach for foul whimsy. Or simply just follow the bot. Remember: clocks are now obsolete. Time has officially been upgraded. https://twitter.com/swearclock >> Does paying for Spotify playlists work? << Colmcq2 writes, "There are some musicians on b3ta and no doubt you're wondering about how to promote your music. I paid for some Spotify playlist placements to see if it's worth it. tl;dr - it isn't." Interesting stuff. https://najinsan.wordpress.com/2021/02/15/i-paid-f... >> "I Made These Pictures Move" << B3ta's answer to Terry Gilliam, Drivelsieve, has been making more pictures move. It's the sound-fx that really makes this stuff come alive. Pow! Blam! http://b3ta.com/links/1560461 ------------------------------------------------- : FESS(tering)HOLE Your fesses, shared for fake internet points Every day we ram pins into our eyes, and through the blood, we read your grim confessions. We wish life was better but this is the pain we must endure. Here's three of the recent best or worst, depending on whether your moral compass is utterly fucked by a lifetime in the content sewer. * SCIENCE - "I stuck googly eyes either side of my todger to see if I could train my phone to use my cock and balls for face recognition. It didn't work. Lockdown science: I do these things so you don't have to." * LIFE STYLE TIPS - "Thanks to Lockdown, I have not worn deodorant since Monday 23rd March 2020. Although I stink, I have saved £12.90" * THUMB GAS - "I bought a fingerprint kit off Amazon during a crime documentary binge. I started collecting the prints of any friends or family who came over as a bit of fun but it's become a compulsion. Got the gas man's the other day." Link goes to the best of December 2020 because we're really up to date and on top of our shit. https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13602396223836... ------------------------------------------------- Bitcoin price would tank if anyone could remember their password and actually sell the damn things ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BEEF The delicious OXO content of other's brains * KLF'S 'CHILL OUT' NOW STREAMING - we're really enjoying the KLF back catalogue release strategy. They're dripping it out and with each drop the fans have a good old natter: fun and it stops it ever feeling daunting. Most recent is a reworking of Chill Out, presumably to remove the copyright problems, but it's a nice alternative version in its own right, also why not rip it and add your own samples? https://klfrs.com/ * PRESIDENT SEXY - Get around the most morally dubious aspects of Hot or Not by voting on dead old men instead. Don't forget that Facebook started as a Hot or Not clone, should any libertarian billionaire dickwads want to throw cash at this. https://hotpresidents.com * IMAGINARY FOOD, OF OUR RECENT PAST - love name-jokes where a good writer just hammers the same bit to get 1000s of gags. Overwhelmingly funny. https://b3ta.com/links/Space_mince_Sweet_Browns * OBJECTS IN FILMS, SEARCH ENGINE - the next thing AI is coming to sap any pleasure from is... supercut videos. Quickly find any object used in a film. As always with automation, the glitches are the most amusing. In this case, the podrace arena in Star Wars is thought to be a massive dunny. https://beta.flim.ai/ * FUCK CRYPTOART - this site estimates how much energy has been used and CO2 released, by individual pieces of cryptoart. Probably better for the atmosphere to burn down a small forest as an artistic statement. http://cryptoart.wtf * NO DURAN DURAN'S ARENA IS GOOD ACTUALLY - Pop music is always a fun thing to do pointless data research on, and I enjoyed this look at which live album tracks are the most different to the studio recording. The live version is always worse, obvs. Live albums are dreadful. https://pudding.cool/2021/02/jukebox/ ------------------------------------------------- What we like about Wensleydale & Cranberry is that it's a way of eating cheesecake without people thinking you're just sitting there in your pants eating cheesecake. ------------------------------------------------- : BUY SOME BRITISH MADE 'ACTION BLANKETS' Yes you, you sexy b3tan with nice shoulders Action blankets are basically blankets with holes in them for your head. What 'action' you do in them is up to you, but we've mosting been sobbing. It's ideal as lube. Please buy some so Hebtro continues to support B3ta and Fesshole with their cash. https://hebtro.co/product-category/action-blankets... ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Extend a name Last week we were asking you to extend names. Some examples include: ChuckLE Norris, TroloLO and the Large Tippi Hedren Collider. Yep photoshopping puns and here's the best images: https://b3ta.com/challenge/extendaname/popular/ This week it's boxes. You know, rectangular cows. C'mon, this joke works. BOXES! http://b3ta.com/challenge/boxes ------------------------------------------------- Doing your English A-Level but you haven't revised and suddenly realising you're naked. Living the dream. Oh god, stop us from writing. ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW UPS What happened next in B3ta bollocks land * MATT ROUND UPDATE: "I'm probably launching ButtyStock v3 next week, oh and tomorrow is exactly a year since this launched, can't think why the traffic died off a few weeks later..." Well if we have to spell it out, it's because having an actual plague made plague content less amusing. https://vole.wtf/death-roulette/ * HELP SOLVE THIS BEATLES MYSTERY - many newsletters back we helped launch Chris Shaw's project to identify every photo in the Sgt Pepper cover. There's still one odd photo holding out. Please help, we just so want to know. https://twitter.com/ChrisShawEditor/status/1356538... * HORNE SECTION PERFORMS B3TAN'S JOKE - SonofRojBlake writes "I *sort of* made this. Last year I was listening to the very excellent Horne section podcast, and I thought of a joke/song. I told it to some friends, who mainly gave me long, hard stares. I didn't care, I loved it. I use Twitter on average about once every couple of years. I used 2020's go to Tweet my idea @AlexHorne. Incredibly, he not only tweeted back within minutes, but he said he liked it and could he use it in the podcast? There's only one answer to that... YES!" https://b3ta.com/links/1559352 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Some free ideas for you, if you like * "ALAN CURTIS" - The lockdown project we want is for Alan Partridge to make his own Adam Curtis documentary, where he loses himself in clips of 1980s Nationwide & does a v/o explaining how the UK went to shit after a crisis in comfortable footware. "The Chinese just don't make good Hush Puppies, Lynn" * COPYCAT BETTING WEBSITE - How long before an MP accidentally-on-purpose appears as a cat on a parliamentary zoom link to try and be relatable? * PUNS'N'ROSES - a website dedicated to weak G'n'R gags: What's the difference between punching the guitarist from Guns N Roses and urination. Nothing. Both are 'having a slash'. Remember if you make stuff, don't share it with others, tell us: https://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- Dunno why people are so impressed about spinach sending emails, gammon have been sending tweets for years. ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS We love all these people *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON JAMES* *STOOBERT* 24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please join the patreon so we can afford to buy sausages. And a special sexy thanks to the Hebtro gang. Buy their stuff. https://www.patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive