we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S YELLOW AND REALLY NEEDS A SHIT? MUST TURD" next issue » « previous issue "What's yellow and really needs a shit? Must turd" This Week: * STUFF - there's stuff in this this damn thing * MORE STUFF - and we promise more stuff * AND TITS - nope, this bit is a lie ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving up to buy ___/ _ |/_ > What did you want to be before you grew up? << Matt Round is asking for help and says, "I might do a thing about the jobs we wanted as kids vs what we ended up doing, but I’ll need a LOT of survey responses to even consider it. Only 3 quick questions & it’s anonymous, please fill it in & RT this" https://t.co/ZppmNa4qlU >> Buy Ashens' Movie << Ashens movie "Ashens and the Polybius Heist" is out and proving a hit - you can download it via Amazon and YouTube. If you squint you might spot the editor of this very newsletter making a tiny cameo at the end. https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com/greatbritain >> Win a book << Chris Barker is doing a give away for his book of Newspaper covers. Complete with a foreword written by the most centrist dad of them all, and founder of the soup dynasty, Alistair Campbell. https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/13366074... ------------------------------------------------- What's hard and makes cars crash? J.G. Bollard ------------------------------------------------- : FESSHOLE Your confessions, fessed up for cheap shares Each week we ask you to spit your lies into a box and publish the ones that either make us laugh or boggle: * "Every night at 9pm, my cat sits in my spot on the couch in front of the TV. I put on a wildlife show for her to watch till she falls asleep. It's our little thing at the end of each day." * "My brother split up with his girlfriend, and removed her from the family WhatsApp. But we all really like her, so we created a new group with her, but without him. This has now become the main family WhatsApp." * "Mum's fiancé reacted to me coming out by saying "you can't bring some puff to the wedding". Well the joke's on you, Chris, because it's your son I've been seeing for the last 6 months." Join the 97,0000 (holy shit!) arseholes who've typed over a 1.2 million words into a tiny Google form. Link goes to the best of October so share it for greatness. https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13309542598741... ------------------------------------------------- Alan Moore's drag name is Alanis Morissette. ------------------------------------------------- : BUY A SWEARY SCARF YOU SEXY PEOPLE Gazooks! A scarf that swears! Hebtro are now selling scarfs with swearing on them, buy them or indeed buy their "action blankets" which are basically ponchos with branding that made our kids go "Dad you're wearing a poncho you wanker" and we replied "you can take the piss when a clothes company sends YOU free clothes like you're an instagram influencer you little shits" https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/ ------------------------------------------------- Baby rats should be rittens. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff made by other people using their thumbs * SPREADSHEET CLOCK - A working digital clock using Google Sheets conditional formatting and regex. Next week - a barometer made out of a Lotus 1-2-3 database. https://rebrand.ly/sheets-digital-clock * WHO IS STREAMING NEAR YOU? Find people who are streaming to absolutely no one. Don't laugh at them, as this is the modern equivalent of practising guitar in your bedroom and dreaming about Wembley Stadium. https://nobody.live/ * THE ONGOING SCAM OF PRINTER INK - our cheapo tip to run a printer is don't. Really, just go to a print-shop if you need anything in colour and run a cheapo black and white laserjet at home - also ideal for printing out ascii porn for a 1980s style wank. https://pluralistic.net/2020/11/06/horrible-produc...#inkwars * TEMPLATES FOR BOXES - are you short of boxes in your life? Then print out these boxes and make your own, and simulate what it's like living as someone who orders lots of boxes from Amazon. Live the dream you shits. https://templatemaker.nl/en/ * READ TWITTER LIKE A CENTRIST MUM - This is a nice way of finding out what political bores of all persuasions are currently yacking on about without having to follow any of them. Bookmark this, then block them all, the political tits. https://socialbubble.so * GUESS MUSIC TRENDS GAME - quite enjoyed this format where you have to draw a graph to guess how MP3 sales (etc) have fared through the years. Basically everything being quite lively years ago and then sinking in the last few years reminds us of our penis. https://play.storylinegame.com/public/play ------------------------------------------------- Sad about Maradona. Fond memories of her Sex book. ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS We love all these people *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON JAMES* *STOOBERT* 24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round. BONUS FUNNYISH BULLSHIT IF YOU BOTHER READING THIS FAR DOWN: Your 'cancelled after one season sci-fi Netflix show' is your mother's maiden name backwards followed by your PIN number. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please join the patreon so we can afford to buy sausages. And a special thanks to the Hebtro gang. Buy their scarves. Eat rats. Stay safe. http://patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive