we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PIZZA IS CHEESE ON TOAST WITH BETTER MARKETING. CHANGE MY MIND" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * AI-BASED NEGGING - How old do you look on video chat? * NOVELTY TUNES - Randomised like INT(RND*38) * SHEDS - Yes, sheds, sorry about that ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not going outdoors, ___/ _ |/_ > Random novelty records << Monkeon has built a tool to resurface terrible old novelty records on YouTube. He writes "The thinking is that most stuff on YouTube flies below their recommendation algorithm, and so by linking their search to the discogs database of novelty records, it would turn up curios with 10 plays (turns out it also finds plenty of horrific stuff by Jim Davidson)." We're just happy that it threw up Golf Girl by Neil. TUNE! https://monkeon.co.uk/stupidjukebox/ >> What's Your Webcam Age? << Matt Round writes, "Let the fancy neural network judge how old you look in video chats. Don't blame me if you don't like the results, I didn't train the monster, I merely cloned it and set it loose!" We like this, as we found by pulling different faces we could get it to tell us we look 19 years younger. https://vole.wtf/webcam-age/ >> Which Shed Is the Best Shed Out of All the Sheds? << Unclewilco writes, "We've been running #shedoftheyear now since 2007 and you b3tans have supported us even when we went corporate a few years back and got a TV show. Now that phase of shedism is over, don't worry we're still celebrating sheds as much as we did. So here is a Vote to decide the best shed out of all the winners we have had the last 12-odd years." https://www.shedblog.co.uk/2020/04/04/the-ultimate... >> The Clouds Aweigh children's book<< Dr Dunno (AKA children's author Chris Drew Barker) writes, "I've finished the fourth episode in the saga that was only supposed to have one episode. My son enjoyed it." The Earth is literally falling to pieces and a small group of children are the only ones who can save it. Perhaps you'd like to buy it for the 8-12 year-old in your life? We like the strong 1970s kids' drama vibe from the front covers BTW. https://amazon.co.uk/dp/B086Y7R9CM ------------------------------------------------- What note did Fish from Marillion leave for the delivery driver to inform him that he's not self-isolating? In commune, Ocado. ------------------------------------------------- : FESSHOLE Your anonymous confessions, confessed Each week we collate your howls into the abyss into content. Our faves include: * PANTS - "When I was a young boy I was playing in the back garden with my cousin when he noticed a pair of my mother's pants on the washing line. He dared me to put them in my mouth so I did. I still remember looking to the kitchen window to see my dad slowly shaking his head." * PORN - "As a teenage Pulp fan I was so angry when Robson & Jerome stopped Common People getting to number 1 that I posted their fan club extreme hardcore porn - full-on scat, cocks nailed to chairs, bestial orgies. I attached a cover letter signed as my grandma, who got a police caution." * SCUFF MARKS - "In 6th form, a friend identified increasing scuff marks on the ceiling of my car as from legs akimbo. Despite never having a girlfriend I quickly gained a reputation in the school as a dark horse who was having regular automotive hanky panky. I was a virgin. It was my mum's car." Join the 73,000 people (yes really!) who've followed this bollocks on Twitter dot cunts. https://twitter.com/fesshole ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff made my people who aren't us * WORK OUT WITH WEB FONDA - Want to exercise at home but too lazy to figure out a routine? Let random songs and random workout suggestions be the answer. Made us laugh but we reckon we'd break a leg trying to switch exercise every 20 seconds. https://random.training * BEATSPLIT - Turn any MP3 into a drum pad. You'll need an MP3 handy and remember to type in the BPM else it gets confused. https://beatsplit.glitch.me * CAT PIMPING TAKEN TOO LITERALLY - liven up your Zoom office meetings by booking visits from cats and rabbits for cash. Yep, this is a bit too much like sex work for fluffy animals for us to be entirely comfortable with it. http://cuddlecall.me * WHO WANTS TO BE A TWILLIONAIRE? If you've been watching Quiz on ITV then you've been enjoying being reminded of the Coughing Major - so why not see if you'd have won the million with his questions? https://twitter.com/_superted/status/1250054117432... * BAD DESIGN ON PURPOSE - An enjoyable design contest: how bad a logo can you design for a marketing company? The accidental Coronavirus one made us laugh. https://howlowcanyourlogo.com * GOLDEN ARM LADY - maybe this is actually good or deliberately funny, but given how Quibi is randomly chucking money at stuff we doubt it. https://twitter.com/zachraffio/status/125027319181... ------------------------------------------------- What will you do when the lockdown is over? Oh, you know, the usual: stay at home and look at the internet. ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE B3ta Tussauds Here's the best images from last week: * BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS - fine work from gub~gub. http://b3ta.com/board/11311509 * ZIPPY FROM RAINBOW - also fine work from monkeon. http://b3ta.com/board/11311636 * NOSEYBONK FROM JIGSAW - more fine work from monkeon. http://b3ta.com/board/11311792 * See all the other images from the 'B3ta Tussauds' challenge: http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tatussauds/popular >> This week: Cartoon Art << Pick a favourite cartoon character, a favourite work of art and mix them together. What could be simpler? It's a cartoons in art challenge. Good challenge actually, over 100 entries and strangers have even mentioned they like it. http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartoonart/popular ------------------------------------------------- Celebs. The only lockdown content we want is sex tapes. Either they're sexy or they're horrific. It's a win either way. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make "content" and make us... content * THIS DATING PROFILE DOESN'T EXIST - generate AI people and then generate Tinder text for them: "Don't bother replying unless you're an 8/10" etc. * MEMORABLE CREDITS - This is a great thread. We wish someone would trace them all down and take screen grabs for a picture blog. https://twitter.com/disappointment/status/12503237... * TREK QUIZ - The true joy of watching Star Trek TNG on Netflix is guessing how many of the ending orchestra stabs will play after you press "skip intro". Make it so, as Luke Skywalker famously says. Send us your stuff: https://b3ta.com/mailus ------------------------------------------------- Twitter: Boomers should die Also Twitter: We didn't mean those Boomers ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS We love all these people *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON JAMES* *STOOBERT* 24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round & David Stevenson. Please join the patreon so we can afford to eat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and newest one Paul Blanchard. http://patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive