we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TIME TO PANIC-TORRENT 1000GB OF BERGERAC EPISODES LADS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * YOKO ONO - Sings the Star Trek theme at last * NAGGY STATE BOT - That tells you to wash hands * CONFESSION - Celeb lookalike dumped! ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Shut in and using the ___/ _ |/_ > Yoko Ono sings all pops hits << We're big fans of Yoko at B3ta Towers and we were delighted when Monkeon picked up our suggestion that a generator would work with that clip of Yoko screaming so she could perform ALL the hits. "I reckon it works best on Crazy in Love, where she seems to just be doing the intro properly", writes Monkeon, "The Star Trek theme is good too." https://monkeon.co.uk/karayoko/ >> Wash your hands (a bot) << Your editor has made a Twatter bot to remind people to wash their hands. Predictably it's rather sweary but we're quite surprised that it actually works. We've washed our hands over the last few days more times than since we did those murders. https://twitter.com/_washyourhands_ >> Coronavirus playlist << We were thinking about how in the Iraq War, the BBC banned a load of songs that would sound inappropriate after a news broadcast. "100 dead and here's Massive Attack!" etc. We figured they might be doing a similar list now with the coronavirus. You know: I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight, Don't Stand So Close To Me etc. With the help of a bit of crowdsourcing, here's your playlist. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2xec62JuGgPZhlsl... >> Terry Gilliam 2.0 << You might have been saddened by the recent death of Terry Gilliam (Sorry, reactionary comments from an old bloke, same thing), but the good news is that Drivelsieve is here to take his place. "I made these pictures move", he says. There you go, we don't need Gilliam now. https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_these_pictures_move_... >> How to garden your "shitpatch" << You know those bits of earth you get in a pavement with maybe a tree? You know, where dogs shit? Well, Pig Face Turnip has produced "A gardening show for those without a garden who now can have a garden." This month sees triumph, disaster and cat scarers on his shitpatch. https://b3ta.com/links/Shitpatch_Gardening_Februar... ------------------------------------------------- : FESSHOLE Anonymous confessions corner Each week we select the shittiest material from our anonymous confessions account and publish it. Here's the worst, no sorry, best: * DUMPED - "Dumped my first serious girlfriend using some shit excuse when in reality I was doing her from behind, she turned around to look at me & hand on heart I don't know why but she looked the absolute fucking double of Graham Norton & I couldnt get it out of my mind." * STONED - "It's my day off, I found some weed in my son's bedroom this morning and smoked it in the back garden. I've been stoned off my box for two hours, and have eaten all of the cheese left over from Christmas - fucking brilliant...I'm 49, best day off ever!" * REVENGE - "Rugby captain at school made my life a misery. He also worked at a local pub, school hero. Went back 10 years later, found him still working there. Ordered a round, made sure I asked for the Guinness last." Make sure you join the 62,000 utter cunts who've followed this bollocks so far. Jesus wept, you idiots. https://twitter.com/fesshole ------------------------------------------------- It's good to know that you dodged a bullet in that the person who you lusted after at school is now a "prosecco o'clock" person on Facebook. ------------------------------------------------- : I AM THE EGGPOD - THE BEATLES PODCAST Ft Jason Hazeley of Ladybird books for grown-ups Chris Shaw's Beatles podcast continues and this week features the writer Jason Hazeley who offers up the quite brilliant theory that Let It Be was never released and the superior LP Get It Back was released instead. It all makes sense. Do listen, and right this wrong in your fabs' head-canon. https://iamtheeggpod.com/2020/03/07/get-back-jason... ------------------------------------------------- : CAN YOU DESIGN ASCII ART? Spurn unicode for dollar Matt Round is offering HARD CASH for ascii art and writes, "Does anyone out there want to create some new Alien monsterASCII ARTAlien monster for the vole site’s source code? Can only offer token payment but like the idea of commissioning artwork that’ll be tucked away in there." https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1235972003468... ------------------------------------------------- SEO has ruined comedy, humour, jokes, laughs, lols, rofls, amusement, gags, jocular entertainment. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BEEF The delicious OXO taste of other people's content * GHOSTBUSTERS SONG WITHOUT GHOSTS - genius bit of song rewriting. https://www.youtube.com/watch * SEEING CASSETTE AUDIO - Did you know you can SEE the music on a cassette tape? This special device uses suspended iron filings in oil, and they all align with the magnetic info recorded there to show the shape of the audio. That Techmoan has done a great video about it. We love you Matt. https://youtube.com/watch * DEAL OR NO DEAL WITH WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES - brilliant quiz format. Someone should remake it with chart data from the 1980s. That's the game we want to play the SHIT OUT OF RIGHT NOW. https://matthewhollett.com/bigdeal/ * FIRST 30 ISSUES OF VIZ ON INTERNET ARCHIVE - we were almost tempted to turn this into a bot but can't be arsed to write code that looks for boxes so it shares just a frame instead of the whole page. Maybe you can do that? https://archive.org/details/vizuk026octobernovembe... * FUCK OFF KIDS - Keep teenagers off your website with this javascript snippet. We don't need unworkable age verification checks after all. http://tholman.com/mosquito-js/ ------------------------------------------------- Neil Tennant argues that it was important for Pet Shop Boys to rap with an English accent rather than American. However Neil is from Newcastle, so an authentic Tennant rap would be like Gazza doing Fog On The Tyne. ------------------------------------------------- : PODCAST OF THE WEEK The Case Of The Missing Hit Dude remembers a song. The world doesn't remember it. What happens next will satisfy you in a way that only audio storytelling can. https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/o2h8bx/158... ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Add things to todays news photos Here's the best images from last week from LS18, 2kindsofherring and Ailliagtor: http://b3ta.com/board/11308147 http://b3ta.com/board/11308149 http://b3ta.com/board/11308176 * See all the other images from the 'Add things to todays news photos' challenge: http://b3ta.com/challenge/addthingstotodaysnews/po... >> This week: Coronavirus << Looks like this will be topical for a while, so we're starting a long running image challenge to keep us laughing as society coughs its last http://b3ta.com/challenge/coronavirus/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW UPS What happened next on older b3ta bollocks * SWEARCLOCK GETS OFFICIAL KFC APPROVAL - quite why KFC decided to fuck with their brand by quote tweeting the sweariest clock in Britian, we don't know, but we're amused that the Daily Star bothered to write it up. https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/kfc-sh... * DEATH ROULETTE GETS FANCY ARTICLE - The roundster writes, "This is an interesting take on some issues raised by my Death Roulette and other 'LOL the past was grim' stuff" https://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/arts-and-books/... ------------------------------------------------- The 7 longest words in Beatles lyrics Grandchildren Investigation Misunderstood Thoughtlessly Disappointment Confidentially Misunderstanding All a bit negative except for grandchildren. Maybe long words are more likely to be shitty generally? ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS We love all these people *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON JAMES* *STOOBERT* 24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt Please join the patreon so we can afford to eat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch - and even newer ones Clemence Saussez, Derek Colley and Martin Pritchard. And a special thanks to Stephanie Wissinger. http://patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive