we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BUTT-SEX KILLED MUTT, REX" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Are these rubbish celebs Remain or Leave? * BONUS QUIZ - Which animal do you sleep like? * CONFESSIONS - "I drank my own piss" ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're stinking up the ___/ _ |/_ > Are these celebs Leave or Remain? << Last week we suggested someone make a quiz that asks you to predict whether the public thought arbitrary celebs were Leave or Remain, and cyber clever-clogs Monkeon has stepped up to the plate and given it 48% and more. https://monkeon.co.uk/leaveorremain/ >> Which animal do you sleep like? << Matt Round is asking the big questions and wants you to input your sleep patterns to work out which animals you are comparable with. Sleepy-eyed Matt writes, "I wanted something that's the opposite of injecting news into your eyeballs every waking moment and so ended up with CUDDLY ANIMALS and RESTFUL OBLIVION." https://vole.wtf/sleep-animal/ >> Boaty McBoat swizz << (A)lexistwit writes has fixed the problem with the newly launched RRS Sir David Attenborough. Go him. http://b3ta.com/links/1525918 ------------------------------------------------- : READERS' WIFI What's the best named WiFi you've seen? It stings when IP Silence of the LANs Router, Sue & Bob Too You're my wifi now Wu-Tang LAN GETOFFMYLAN Martin Router King Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon https://twitter.com/b3ta/status/117686490054464307... ------------------------------------------------- : FESSHOLE Your terrible confessions, confessed * DOG HORROR - "I was still living at home at the time, and had a massive anal sex session with my girlfriend on the front room sofa while my parents where out. She shat a little bit on the sofa and it left a stain. When questioned by my parents, I blamed the dog, and they said they couldn't have that, particularly as it was getting old, so they took it to the vets and had it put down." * OFFICE NOTES - "It was me that wrote 'anal trauma' underneath Helen's 'what did your last slave die of?' notice in the staff kitchen. * URINE FAIL - "I drank my own piss because a man in a rave club told me that it would make you come up on the E again. It doesn't." * ERECT TOWERS - "I got bored watching 9/11 and went and had sex with my girlfriend between the 1st and 2nd tower collapsing." Fess up your foulest secrets for us to giggle at: https://twitter.com/fesshole Also Fesshole was featured on the Dublin radio station FM104 this week, they interviewed your handsome editor and you can listen here: https://play.acast.com/s/room104/95014f87-b463-4b7... ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF It's good content Brant * HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHESS? - Monty Python's Argument Sketch performed with two vintage speech synthesizers. https://b3ta.com/links/How_about_a_nice_game_of_ch... * CREEPY CLOWN - Long-running US kids TV show ended with mute clown Clarabell finally speaking... It's as chilling as cold piss. https://b3ta.com/links/The_final_moments_of_Howdy_... * WORST SAX SOLO EVER - it's impressive to attempt a one-note solo and even get that wrong. https://twitter.com/galgracen/status/1176740969988... * AI TRUMP TWEET, OR REAL TWEET? - This is surprisingly tricky at times. A good format for testing AI generated stuff though. http://faketrump.ai * INTERESTING ARTICLE ABOUT AN OLD GAME - a highly-optimised maze generator people are struggling to decypher. http://bbc.com/future/story/20190919-the-maze-puzz... * WORST COMPUTER GAME ART - And Mr Biffo's bad game covers are amusing. https://digitiser2000.com/main-page/bad-game-cover... ------------------------------------------------- If porn movies did kids' TV parodies Jack Off Nory Bagpussy Mr Benn Dover Worzel Cummage Postman's Pits Jim'll Fuck It (sorry) Thomas The Wank Engine Roobarb And Man Custard Banana Split Pits Roland Rut Press Gang Bang Fingeringbobs Cheggers Plays With Poop ------------------------------------------------- : PODCAST CORNER Why you shouldn't think the world is ending You know all those "sweet meteor of death, take me know" kind of memes that float through our discourse? Maybe they're doing us no good and the world isn't ending. WE LOVED THIS PODCAST. A rare thing, something online that changed our mind on an issue. https://www.cracked.com/podcast/the-end-of-the-wor... ------------------------------------------------- Just written our first joke about Queen's Radio Ga Ga. Filed under "radio gag a". ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Reinvent things better Here's the best images from last week: * FIRE ALARM TOASTER - from monkeon http://b3ta.com/board/11295674 * IMPROVED HEADPHONES - from 2kindsofherring http://b3ta.com/board/11295872 * LET THE FLAME WARS COMMENCE - from Pizopop http://b3ta.com/board/11295276 * See all the other images from the 'Reinvent things better' challenge: http://b3ta.com/challenge/reinventbetter/popular/ >> This week: Enhanced Animals << Animals are great, but could they be better? Has evolution missed a trick by not giving a horse guns or a sheep incredibly long legs. Find out through the power of photo manipulation (not home veterinary surgery) http://b3ta.com/challenge/enhancedanimals/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- Please Google "how to turn your phone off", follow the instructions and then thank us later for making your life better. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Everyone should make content * ARE OASIS FANS LEAVE? - "I'd love to see an Oasis fan / Brexit voter Venn diagram" writes a contributor to @anon_opin. Sounds like a little data project for someone willing to spend a few quid with Google Surveys. * "NOBOGRAMS" - make a crudely drawn cock version of the Nonogram/Picross games we're all apparently addicted to on our telephones. * FUCK PETITIONS, THEY DON'T WORK - Every petition site should be replaced by a crowdfunding site to raise money for a motivated lawyer to fight for what you want. "Who wants to crowd fund chasing the Daily Mail into the small claims courts for every time they infringe copyright?" Yeah, we'll do £10 a month for that. Send your cyber missives to: https://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- Conservatives are also called the Tories. Why don't they split the difference and call themselves Conservatories. Or cunts. ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS Thanking you, the best crew * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*, *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*, *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*, *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*, *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*, *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*, *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*, *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY GOODE * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT, @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT, AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN, DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS, DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS, FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY, GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH, GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON, IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY, JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY, JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE, JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON, MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS, MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER, MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH, PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE, PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA, PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS, RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK, ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER, ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER, SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL, STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER, TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT, TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES, WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH, CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES, JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON, ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD, ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL, RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG, TIM BEACHY * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths, John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth, Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane, Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of Philadelphia. Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon, HappyToast (site help). Plus artifus & Ambegris. ------------------------------------------------- Please sub us some cash, thank you: https://www.patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive