we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BREAKING: THE LABOUR PARTY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BUTTYSTOCK - crisp sandwich photos * CAROL VORDERMAN SIMULATOR - oh yes! * FESSHOLE - terrible carrot/bottom confession ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're botting every ___/ _ |/_ > ButtyStock: No 1 Crisp Sandwich Photo Site << Carbohydrate enthusiast Matt Round writes, "I hired several people to each produce around 100 photos of crisp sandwiches, paying them with hundreds of bags of crisps. Some fell by the wayside under the weight of the challenge (and looming best-before dates on the slightly dodgy crisps), others rose to the occasion. All must hate me now, but luckily none were hospitalised with salt poisoning. All the pics are released under CC0/public domain, and I'll probably add a few hundred more at some point." Matt continues, "If people might want to contribute their own pics, follow @VOLEwtf on Twitter or Instagram for announcements. But no problem if that's too faffy/spammy, I'll probably be adding a Help Wanted page to site that'll make it easier to gather/coordinate stuff." https://vole.wtf/buttystock/ >> Carol Vorderman simulator << Monkeon writes, "It's old, so may not be relevant, but I've rebuilt my Carol Vorderman simulator to save it from the Flash graveyard. I've also added messaging to it so you can now send filth." Next week: Rachel Riley simulator "Ooh ain't that Jerermy Corbyn awful? Aren't people online horrid?" https://monkeon.co.uk/vordertron/ >> Fruity song << Pi Bennett has made a song for kids about peaches and plums and bananas. Well fruit basically. Maybe it'll get stuck in your head and not in your throat. https://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- Which singer can you boot up? Adele ------------------------------------------------- : FESSHOLE Your barbaric behaviour, confessed We've been asking you to contribute your darkest confessions to a form and we post out our favourites on a Twitter bot. It's genuinely seedy, like Reader's Wives for the Ceefax generation. * "I am addicted to Pork Scratchings. My wife and friends found out that I was eating them and wanted me to stop. I told her I had. I was on 2 packs a day. I am now on 4 and eating them on the way home from work." * "Sarah from secondary school told me daily that I was ugly, repulsive, would never find a boyfriend and would die a virgin. Last year I fucked her husband." * "My wife insisted I saw a therapist so I told her I found one. I actually put my non-existent therapist's £60 'fee' in a treat fund for myself and go sit in the pub for an hour." * "I got curious and stuck a carrot up my arse. Then panicked and thought my parents would notice the missing carrot so returned it to the cupboard. We ate it for dinner that night." Keep confessing. Trained vicars are waiting for your fetid typing, definitely rubbing their thighs. https://twitter.com/fesshole ------------------------------------------------- "Doctor, doctor... The GUI on my Unix based system has crashed and it's left me with just a command line prompt. Is it serious?" "I'm afraid it's Terminal." ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff to click made by dicks >> Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2019 << The finalists are in, in the competition that gives free content to publishers. Hope the photographers get something out of it. https://www.theguardian.com/environment/gallery/20... >> "Alec Guinness Hated Star Wars And I Should Know" << Remember the famous story about Alec Guinness telling a young Star Wars fan that he should never watch the movie again? Well that child, now man, tell his side of the story and it's fascinating. Plus, a good story in Buzzfeed? Who would have thought it? https://www.buzzfeed.com/chowdad/alec-guinness-hat... >> Doctor Who in the style of Vangelis << This person has been remaking the Dr Who theme in the style of various electronic musicians. Genius, we might actually rip all these and burn them to a CD like a granddad. https://youtube.com/watch >> Stock photos of people made by AI << 100,000 stock "photos" of non-existent people hallucinated by an AI, copyright-free with attribution. We look forward to Shardcore doing similar and generating crisp sandwich photos from Matt Round's collection. https://generated.photos/ >> Drone vs rollercoaster << The most exciting bit of drone flying you'll see this week. https://b3ta.com/links/Weeeee:3 >> Brexiteer buy's Hitler's wife's silky pants? << The BBC are reporting that Adolf Hitler's wife Eva Braun's knickers have sold in an auction for £3,700. Everyone who bid on this should have their hard drives looked at by the police. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptons... ------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a tampons and aristocrat? Both are bloody stuck up cunts but at least tampons work. ------------------------------------------------- : DAVID CAMERON'S BOOK The Amazon reviews are in As is traditional when some awful tosser publishes a book, we encourage people to write the kind of reviews that make the author blanche. Here's our favs so far: * "Why have they photoshopped the cover to make his forehead look a normal size? It's this sort of spin that puts people off politics." (1 star) * "A Book with a Spine, Unlike it's Author" (2 stars) * "I came for the photos of pigs. So did Dave apparently." (1 star) Make sure you add yours to the bookshop of record, with the knowledge that Cameron is highly likely to read these, unlike your snotty replies to his tweets. https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/00082392... ------------------------------------------------- What do you get when cheese explodes? De Brie. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make content, everyone must make content * NEW DAD VIRALS - editthis yet to have the cards say "I'm a self-serving asshat who'll turn anything into content for a few clicks" etc https://twitter.com/ABC/status/1174978579802677250 * LEAVE/REMAIN QUIZ - which celebs would be leave or remain. Let's crowdsource this. (Mr Blobby? No Deal.) * AN INVESTIGATION INTO THOSE WISH ADS ON FACEBOOK - you know the ones, it's all weird tat and sexy clothing. And God does it makes us look, and yet never go to the actual site. https://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- Some people think I'm a homophobe but it only sounds that way. ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Autobiographies You know how celeb's autobiographies have to (by law) have a punning title? Gary Barlow's My Take, Roger Moore's My Word Is My Bond etc? Well why not make your own? Here's the best images from last week: * BONO ESTENTE from ohidunno http://b3ta.com/board/11294844 * A CLASSIC from revmoola http://b3ta.com/board/11294835 * "GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK CONTROL IN HERE! THIS IS THE SOVEREIGNTY ROOM!" - from (a)lexistwit http://b3ta.com/board/11294937 Your editor's entry is too lazy to photoshop? "Read the fucking Manuel" or maybe one on bots "I, Robert". * See all the other images from the 'Autobiographies' challenge: http://b3ta.com/challenge/autobiographies2 >> This week: Reinvent things better << Everyday items are great, but what if they were greater? Reinvent the things around you so they do the things they do, but better and more. Show us remote controlled pre buttered toasters, kettles that pour 5 different hot drinks at once and all sorts of other stuff. http://b3ta.com/challenge/reinventbetter ------------------------------------------------- My dog has no dictionary How does it spell terrible? ------------------------------------------------- : YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR Mediamasters Podcast Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you prosper! Love your work" and also promote his podcast. There's lots of big media names on it like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger, so get stuck in: http://www.mediamasters.fm/ ------------------------------------------------- My dog has no thesaurus How does it smell? Awful, appalling, atrocious, dreadful, frightful, ghastly, grisly, gruesome, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrific, lurid, macabre, monstrous, nightmare, nightmarish, shocking, terrible, terrific. You see, it's I who has the thesaurus. (Terrible jokes this week taken from our project "Sorry, I've Written A Joke", if you've written a joke then please tell us.) https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/... ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS Thanking you, the best crew * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*, *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*, *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*, *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*, *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*, *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*, *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*, *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY GOODE * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT, @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT, AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN, DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS, DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS, FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY, GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH, GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON, IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY, JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY, JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE, JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON, MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS, MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER, MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH, PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE, PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA, PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS, RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK, ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER, ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER, SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL, STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER, TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT, TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES, WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH, CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES, JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON, ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD, ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL, RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG, TIM BEACHY * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths, John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth, Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane, Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of Philadelphia. Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon, HappyToast (site help). Plus Gratch, Mr._Pickles, Rob, Star Wars, sandettie light vessel automatic, The Light in Chains, The_cold_stare (mostly jokes & links). ------------------------------------------------- Please sub us some cash, thank you: https://www.patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive