we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PETITION: PROROGUE THE INTERNET UNTIL EVERYONE AGREES TO BE NICER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * GAME - "Can we have our ball back mister?" * GOLD BLEND AD - Remade cheaply on a phone * HEADLINES - Gashed-up for cheap amusement ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're sticking our heads ___/ _ |/_ > "Can we have our ball back mister?" << Matthew Round is back on his bullshit and creating web games - this one testing your ability to kick a ball back to some kids, and the anxiety that you'll fail and the children will laugh at you. 10 attempts for us - can you beat us? https://vole.wtf/kick-the-ball-back/ >> Adverts remade << Josh04 writes, "What did you do this weekend? We made a shot-for-shot remake of the original 1987 'Gold Blend Couple' advert, as voted 20th best ad campaign of all time by ITV viewers." We really rather enjoyed this and it's a project concept with an achievable goal. More please. https://www.youtube.com/watch >> Headline mash-ups << Steve2.0 writes, "Was bored at work and reading the news headlines was no escape as everything is so bleak, so decided to jumble them up and create a more interesting world, leading to another pointless thing on Twitter that you can smirk at. Still in its infancy." https://twitter.com/HeadlineShaker ------------------------------------------------- Postcodes that are also 7th chords: B7 (Nechells, Birmingham) E7 (Forest Gate, London) Further research into this is currently unresolved. ------------------------------------------------- : CYRIAK BOOK COMPO Winners announced We asked you to complete the joke "Why did Cyriak cross the road?" for 5 signed copies of his debut novel "Horse Destroys The Universe". Our favourites: 1. "The sign on the other side said 'Animator wanted, cash money paid'" (Mehitabel_Itrang) 2. "Because he was being gee-geed on" (CCC) 3. "To avoid an awkward conversation with his old mates at b3ta" (gub~gub) 4. "Oh my god, it's full of gerbils" (Thrill_My_Chinchilla) 5. "Why did Cyriak cross the road? Why did the road cross Cyriak? Why did Cyriak cross the road? Why did the road cross Cyriak?" (Dr.Dunno) Cyriak's debut novel 'Horse Destroys The Universe' is out on the 29th of August and is available to order at all good vets: https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07NRYZQ... ------------------------------------------------- Happy 25th Birthday to Suede's Dog Man Star - titled when Suede's webmaster told Brett to pick three random words for his password. ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BEEVES Content made by wankers who spurn our site * NAME THE COLOURS - Fun crowd-sourced website which gives you one of sixteen million colours and asks you to think of a name for it. Examples for white include: "Woah Thats Bright!", "Privilege" and "Opposite Black." Press "get lucky" for more. https://colornames.org/color/ffffff * FLAG MASH-UP BOT - Link goes to a UK / Ireland cross that really has boiled the piss of the Irish in these times when Brexit has the potential to carve their island in two just because some racists didn't like LED bulbs. https://twitter.com/FlagsMashupBot/status/11663928... * ONE HTML PAGE CHALLENGE - we've been keeping an eye on this, as we like the idea, and the submissions are nice and varied. Nothing overly stands out yet, though. https://onehtmlpagechallenge.com * WHAT WAS BIG ON YOUTUBE TEN YEARS AGO? - Ten years ago YouTube was making money from peddling snuff, conspiracy theories and kittens to millions. How little they've changed. https://youtubedecade.com * CAN AI FINISH YOUR ESSAY? - We just asked AI to complete the phrase "Donald Trump did a shit in the bed" and the AI did great. Our robot future is going to be fine. You give it a try. It's particularly good with slash fiction. https://talktotransformer.com * OOOH I COULD DO WITH A "D" - fantastically nostalgic ad from the 1980s. Anyone know who directed or wrote this ad? we hope they went on to make movies - there's so much stuffed into into every bit of it, we'd happily spend 90 minutes in this world. https://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- Congratulations to the proofreaders of "Imperial Legacies: The British Empire Around the World" who in place of the Black and Tans - the notorious division of the Royal Irish Constabulary - they enlightens us as to the violent role of "the black and trans people" (via @DJLdistraction) ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Everyday Effects Here's the best images from last week: * MONROE - from Ya What http://b3ta.com/board/11293411 * LIFE IN TOKYO - from S4RK http://b3ta.com/board/11293281 * DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE USB SLOT - from cumquat may http://b3ta.com/board/11293277 * See all the other images from the 'Everyday Effects' challenge: https://b3ta.com/challenge/everydayeffects/popular... >> This week: Getting Old << We're all getting older and more forgetful and our knees hurt and we can't see as well as we used to and the tv has to be a little bit louder and we're getting more forgetful and our knees hurt and getting older is hell. Photoshop everything else getting older to make us feel better. http://b3ta.com/challenge/gettingold ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOWS UPS What happened next to the B3tan generation * THERESA IS BACK - We updated the 'Has Theresa Resigned?' bot to give you a running total of the prorogue petition - like it fucking matters. Next week we might pivot it to Theresa hydration bot. "Theresa says drink water, bitch!" https://twitter.com/theresaresigned ------------------------------------------------- : THE TRAGIC DEATHS OF LESSER-KNOWN MUSICIANS Three that you might not have heard of * Abba's drummer Ola Brunkert fell into a glass door whilst at home, but it didn't kill him immediately, he was able to apply a towel to the wound and staggered outside to get help where he lost consciousness and died alone. * DJ Kemistry of junglist duo Kemistry & Storm was killed by a cat's eye that was dislodged by a van and flew through the windscreen of a car in which she was a passenger, killing her instantly. * Mike Edwards, former cellist with ELO was killed by a bail of hay that rolled down a hill and crushed him and his car. No more Blue Skies for him :( ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER Make history with the newsletter of record * IS-THE-QUEEN-ON-YOUR-SIDE.COM - an always up-to-date one-serving website that says... "no" * DRINKERWEAR.CO.UK - do a piss take of drinkaware.co.uk showing the enviable fashion choices of heavy drinkers. * PET SHOP BOYS SKETCH - grab the attention of the youth with a skit about everyone's fav pop stars and a gag about an album track all the kids are singing. Neil on the bog intoning "We're S.H.I.T.T.I.N.G, we're shitting". Chris in the cubicle next door and he makes a "plooop" noise on his synth. Send photos of your tummy bananas to: https://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- The Union = Sex act of the Snake = penis is on the climb = Simon le Bon has an erection ------------------------------------------------- : SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE Crowd-sourced japery from the professionLOLS What's old and white and lies on a bus? A brexiter. ------------------------------------------------- : YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR Mediamasters Podcast Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you prosper! Love your work" and also promote his podcast. There's lots of big media names on it like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger, so get stuck in: http://www.mediamasters.fm/ ------------------------------------------------- The band Barenaked Ladies are called that because it lets you do a bit of a joke on the poster to make people turn up "Tonight! Bare Naked Ladies!" And that shitty gag that made them giggle for a few seconds in 1988, they've now been stuck with for over 30 years. Well done lads. ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS Thanking you, the best crew * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*, *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*, *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*, *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*, *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*, *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*, *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*, *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY GOODE * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT, @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT, AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN, DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS, DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS, FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY, GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH, GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON, IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY, JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY, JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE, JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON, MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS, MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER, MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH, PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE, PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA, PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS, RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK, ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER, ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER, SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL, STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER, TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT, TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES, WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH, CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES, JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON, ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD, ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL, RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG, TIM BEACHY * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths, John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth, Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane, Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of Philadelphia. Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon, HappyToast. And Cumquat May for the joke. Newsletter written by a man who should write instructional books about burglary: Rob Manuel. Nearly final thought: Dido's break was arguably having her song Thank You sampled by Eminem for the melodic hook of his track Stan. In 2011 she had a son called Stanley. Which is quite sweet we think. Please sub us some cash, thank you: https://www.patreon.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- REAL TOP TIP: Here's a neat thing with Amazon Prime. You can add channels (like the BFI channel etc) and cancel the free 7-day trial immediately, it'll continue to give you access to these movies for the next 7 days. ------------------------------------------------- What do you call a cunt who writes about underwater boats? Subscribe, you cunt. https://b3ta.com/subscribe next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive