we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY WANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND, REMEMBER: NO TUGS 'TIL TUES" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * AIRPODS - why you should feel bad about them * WIN A HORSE - with Cyriak dot book dot net * FREE EGGS - If you keep chickens ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the webs, ___/ _ |/_ > The Death of Airpods << Rowlification writes, "An animation about Apple's airpods and their chances of being repaired or recycled. Not judging you if you own a pair. Please watch / like / share if you like it." We enjoyed this although obviously you can argue the toss about what disposable crap is the worst, hooking it all to a currently fashionable technology is one way to make a message cut though. https://b3ta.com/links/The_Death_of_Airpods >> 2019 :: The Last Summer << Shardcore is still pissing around with deep-fakes and he's make Boris morph into Trump, and ambitiously built a sort-of plot around this. http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2019/08/22... >> How to flick Vs with coke bottle & glove << Apparently there's a clip on TikTok where people are using a coke bottle and a rubber glove to give people "the finger". Your editor's son had a go and frankly improved it by it not working properly and producing a good old British V instead. Result. https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1162678268627... ------------------------------------------------- The last thing you posted on social media is the thing people will mournfully like after your tragic, unexpected death. ------------------------------------------------- : WIN A SIGNED COPY OF CYRIAK'S HORSE BOOK Yes, thank you, free wordy stuff for fre3tans As you may know Cyriak AKA Mutated Monty has written a science fiction book. We've got FIVE SIGNED COPIES to give away. Complete this joke "Why did Cyriak cross the road?" and we'll pick the winners in a week's time. Add your entries to this thread on the messageboard. https://b3ta.com/board/11293514 Cyriak's debut novel 'Horse Destroys The Universe' is out on the 29th of August and is available to preorder on Amazon. https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07NRYZQ... ------------------------------------------------- Bored? Sing "Jacob! Jacob & sons!" but change it to "Mumford! Mumford and sons" and then cry a little bit inside. ------------------------------------------------- : SHITES IN BEEF Stuff made by wankers who spurn our website * FOOTBALL MANAGER HAIR ON POLITICIANS - Twitter account of the week, well probably of last month, as all you lot would have seen it by now. However, it's a good format that continues to deliver slivers of amusement. Which is all we can ask for really, other than a quick death. https://twitter.com/visualsatire * FUNNY M.O.T CORNER - Go to the Gov website and checkout the MOT history for For RJ04ZYX on the 5th June 2015. Well it did work for a bit but they fixed it, still, there's a screenshot in the link. ALSO: Can someone scrape the MOT site for rude words? There's gotta be more like this. https://b3ta.com/links/Go_to_the_gov_website_and_c... * SOCIALISM MONOPOLY - the bastards who own Monopoly have failed to read the room and made a parody version of their board name stuffed with tired gags about socialism being terrible. Also completely forgetting that the game was originally designed as a satire on capitalism. Dry lols ahead. https://twitter.com/nick_kapur/status/116423365679... * GEEK SELF-OWN OF THE WEEK - nerdy man gets personal license plate as "NULL" and ends up with thousands of dollars worth of fines. Key quote: "The 'minimum viable product' concept has pushed a lot of bad code through that doesn’t go through with the proper level of testing." Oh how true. https://www.wired.com/story/null-license-plate-lan... * SURF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY LIKE IT'S 1994 - As much as we love the Internet Archive, it's not the easiest thing to browse. This is a useful proxy, and flags up interesting sites for that quick huff of nostalgia poppers to keep your web sphincter loose. http://theoldnet.com ------------------------------------------------- People ask which was the best sitcom, Friends or Seinfeld? Both continue to say something about the world today. Seinfeld predicted that we would be endlessly obsessed with the minutiae of modern manners. Friends predicted that people touching 40 would still be in flatshares. ------------------------------------------------- : POP MUSIC HITS, BEFORE THEY HAPPEN Music recommendations from cool dads at B3ta * ITALIAN SINGS MADE-UP ENGLISH AS IT SOUNDS TO HIM - What a video! What a groove! This 1972 almost-hit is now our current favourite song. There's also a Mike 'Oooh me plums' Reid version knocking around that has some charm but lacks this strangely sexy video. https://www.youtube.com/watch * SONGS BY CULTS - 1980s new wave song written by the paedo-cult Children Of God, warning members that they shouldn't visit the supermarket because barcodes are mind control. Maybe they have a point, not about diddling kids, but you know, computers ARE diddling us all. Sorry about that, computer fans. https://www.youtube.com/watch * 'RULE OF THREE' MEANS THERE SHOULD BE A THIRD RECOMMENDATION - fucked if we care. Go and listen to Toyah Willcox or something. She's hip and happening. ("Thanks cool B3ta dads for these rad tunes to fill my Creative NOMAD Jukebox" - our reader thinks.) ------------------------------------------------- Matrix 4 Pitch. Neo patches the Matrix code so it reboots and without the Beatles existing and he has a hit record with Yellow Submarine. ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Unlikely Movie Adaptations Here's the best images from last week: * CARRY ON - from Ninj http://b3ta.com/board/11292747 * HITCHCOCK - from Andy_R http://b3ta.com/board/11292769 * LEARNERS' TEST - from laplandes https://b3ta.com/board/11292691 * See all the other images from the 'Unlikely Movie Adaptations' challenge: https://b3ta.com/challenge/unlikelyadaptations/pop... >> This week: Everyday Effects << Life is very dull compared to the movies, so lets make things more exciting by putting special effects in to everyday activities. Give us explosions, lens flares and CGI enhancements to the most mundane of things. http://b3ta.com/challenge/everydayeffects ------------------------------------------------- It's ok to speak ill of the dead if they're the dead member of the Beastie Boys and in fact had a 'license to ill' ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Trees vs ap You play the trees in this game which pits the ecosystem against humans. You'll end up really hating humanity, if you didn't already. BTW: Humans are the only organism that KNOW that they are cunts. https://avavt.itch.io/seed ------------------------------------------------- The Beautiful South had five members and three of them were called Dave. 60% Dave. Ewww. ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOWS UPS What happened next to the B3tan generation * OK THIS IS A SORT OF A SECOND PROMO FOR CYRIAK - An interview with Mutated Monty about books and hedges and things. https://unbound.com/boundless/2019/08/20/how-can-a... * B3TANS IN A PODCAST I KNOW, I KNOW IT'S SERIOUS - news reaches us that Shardcore and Dr Kate Devlin are in the 'Level Up Human' podcast. Not out yet, but soon. https://twitter.com/drkatedevlin/status/1164154107... * SEXY BOOKY LOOKY - Dr Kate Devlin has also written a serious book about sex robots. You want to read about sex robots don't you? Yes you do. Who doesn't want a handjob from Alexa or sloppy seconds from Siri? Two for us please and a USB port up the arsehole. https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/14729508... ------------------------------------------------- Apologies to our readers called Dave for that previous aside. ------------------------------------------------- : SPUNK ON NEXT WEEK'S TISSUE Become "electronic e-famous" with b3ta dot eu * POUNCE ON THE NEED FOR TAYLOR SWIFT 'LONDON BOY' CONTENT - take her lyric "I love the English" and ask some Scots & Irish for their thoughts on this. And obviously only publish the most splenetic reactions. * HOW LEFT-WING IS MY FACE? Upload photo; public votes; you know how this shit works. Do it as an app if you insist that websites are over. (Also make "How Tory Are My Tits?" if that's your baguette.) https://twitter.com/BestoftheMail/status/116483815... * USELESS HUMAN BLOCKER - A function for real life that when someone is repeating a tedious pop culture factoid that everyone already knows like "Frank Beard was the only member of ZZ Top not to have beard", it deposits illegal images to their laptop and calls the police. Nonce jail is too good for them. https://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- "Look ma, no hands!" the helicopter pilot said as he threw up his hands from the controls and into the blades where they were cut off and went "wheeeee!" into the distance. ------------------------------------------------- : SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE Crowd-sourced japery from the professionLOLS This week it's over to the legendary Spacefish who wishes to apologise for writing a gag: What do you call a big reptile that gets someone else to bite you? A deligator. Why not write one yourself? https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/... ------------------------------------------------- : YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR Mediamasters Podcast Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you prosper! Love your work" and also promote his podcast. There's lots of big media names on it like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger, so get stuck in: http://www.mediamasters.fm/ ------------------------------------------------- Imagining that Kubrick faked the landings is missing out on the fun possibilities of other directors. Like whoever made the Carry On films or Woody Allen. ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS Thanking you, the best crew * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*, *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*, *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*, *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*, *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*, *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*, *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*, *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY GOODE * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT, @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT, AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN, DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS, DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS, FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY, GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH, GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON, IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY, JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY, JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE, JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON, MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS, MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER, MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH, PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE, PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA, PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS, RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK, ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER, ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER, SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL, STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER, TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT, TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES, WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH, CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES, JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON, ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD, ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL, RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG, TIM BEACHY * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths, John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth, Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane, Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of Philadelphia. Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon, HappyToast - also Fadgebadger & Tribs. Joke from Spacefish. Final thought: imagine Empire magazine but published three months late so everything in it is available to stream / download. Please sub us some cash, thank you: https://www.patreon.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- What do you call a cunt who writes about underwater boats? Subscribe, you cunt. https://b3ta.com/subscribe next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive