we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TIME TO DRINK THE KOOL-AID B3TANS, THE AUTHORITIES ARE ONTO US" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MAN CHESTS - that look like human faces * PHOTOS - that move just like real-life * PUBS - mapped to nearest tube station ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting out an ___/ _ |/_ > Men with chests for faces << I124nk8 has been "photoshopping celebrity chests onto their faces. Simple as that. Started with Piers Morgan and Mick Hucknall and it’s gone from there. Thanks to b3ta my google search history consists of mostly shirtless men. Thank goodness I use incognito and a VPN. It's a combination of hauntingly beautiful and haunting." https://twitter.com/chestfaces >> Photos that move << Drivelsieve has been making photographs jiggle and it's his sound effects that really them come alive. It's like if Terry Gilliam was still alive. Oh he IS still alive? It's like Terry Gilliam hadn't become an old man shouting at clouds and still remembered that the point was to deliver some gags. https://youtu.be/k5yCWhi0KUE >> Man tit cancer play << Hagbardsapple writes, "A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As part of the most middle-class-fallilng-on-my-feet thing ever, I got better and wrote a comedy drama for Radio 4, loosely based on the experience. Oh, and in this version of events, my tumour is a tiny Nigel Farage." https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0006snf ------------------------------------------------- Real Headlines That Are Funny If You Know 80s Bands Mayor Says New Order Is 'Punishing' Dogs District Line: No Place For The Cure 'Disabled badge' Driver Mows Down Flock Of Seagulls In Taunton ------------------------------------------------- : BILL DRUMMOND NEWS - "BEST BEFORE DEATH" UK cinema release tickets on sale now. Selected screenings will be accompanied by a performance Bill Drummond of the play WHITE SAVIOUR COMPLEX. https://www.picturehouses.com/film/best-before-dea... ------------------------------------------------- Shout out to the Telegraph caption writer who recently captioned a photo "Heterosexual actor Tom Cruise at the New York premiere of The Mummy earlier this year." ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Remember websites? Nah, us neither * NEAREST PUB, TUBE MAP - Alcoholics! Finally you can find out where to get a pint after a booze-free ride on the tube. Actually the thing alco-fans would really like to know is, where is the nearest place to get a drink after 11pm. https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/cefrwe/... * EMOJI MASH UP BOT - cute idea to expand the emotions we're able to communicate online by randomly mixing up emoji. Hooray for Duplo Newspeak. https://twitter.com/EmojiMashupBot/status/11525627... * UNREALISTIC TROMBONE SIMULATOR - Seen a few popup-based toys recently, such as this trombone. Won't work on smartphones, because Steve Jobs removed everything fun from the mobile internet. https://matthewrayfield.com/goodies/popup-trombone... * CYRIAK DOES VIDEO - the B3tan diaspora continues to make the internet a weirder place: https://www.youtube.com/watch * BRING THE BEAT BACK - Harry Connick Jr seamlessly adds an extra beat to get the audience clapping the right way. Remarkable. https://www.youtube.com/watch * SINISTER SINGING DOLL - this is the most accurate depiction of the inside of our heads yet produced: https://b3ta.com/links/CRUMAR * AI DRAWING APP - sketch out a quick landscape in blobs and HAL does the rest. http://nvidia-research-mingyuliu.com/gaugan ------------------------------------------------- Jarvis Cocker should team up Stelios and open one of those "Easy" companies, but for putting public lavatories in the high street. Sorted for EasyWizz. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Realistic tire simulator You're a rubber ring rolling down a hill. How fast can you go before you get tire-d. https://mindboiler.itch.io/rollhill ------------------------------------------------- If product placement happened in books: Fermat's Last Rolo ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE Political Sitcoms Here's the best images from last week: * "AND ANOTHER THING, THERESA, I THOUGHT AN IRISH BACKSTOP MEANT WEARING TWO CONDOMS. YOU KNOW. TO BE SURE, TO BE SURE" - (cumquat may) http://b3ta.com/board/11291976 * ORDER! ORDER! MINE'S A DOUBLE! - (plankton) http://b3ta.com/board/11291983 * !!!! - (Barbarossa) http://b3ta.com/board/11292020 * See all the other images from the 'Political Sitcoms' challenge: https://b3ta.com/challenge/politicalsitcoms/popula... >> This week: Summer Special << It's the Summer holidays so put on your swimsuit, roll out a beach towel and photoshop your favourite films, tv shows and pop stars doing Summery stuff. http://b3ta.com/challenge/summerspecial ------------------------------------------------- It's fascinating how much imperial measurements live on: 40" TV 12" laptop 12" pizza 40" jeans 70mph speed limit 1/8th of weed 8 stone weakling 6 foot tall Pint of beer / milk 3" penis (just us then) ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW-UPS Updates on previous stories * GOODBYE THERESA MAY BOT - your editor writes, "It was meant to last 3 days and I was stuck with it for over two years." https://twitter.com/theresaresigned/status/1154014... ------------------------------------------------- Congratulations to Alan Turning. Finally we can all £50 an "alan" "Have you SEEN the price of the new iPhones?! I'm not chunking down twenty alans for phone" ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Like some kind of attention seeking cunt * JARVIS COCKER BOT - Are cunts still running the world? YES. * OTHER PHRASES THAT WAKE UP ALEXA - Did you know that "my legs hurt" works just as well as "Alexa" for waking up Amazon's home bugging device? * PAPERBOY THE TEXT ADVENTURE - North *you go up the path* Insert paper *you insert paper into letterbox* South *You go down the path* East *You're in front of No 12* etc ------------------------------------------------- The Dog Plan Diet. Eat what you like but looking into the eyes of a dog who's going "looks good - can I have a bit?" ------------------------------------------------- : PATREON THANKS * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*, *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*, *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*, *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*, *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*, *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*, *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*, *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY GOODE * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT, @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT, AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN, DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS, DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS, FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY, GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH, GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON, IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY, JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY, JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE, JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON, MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS, MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER, MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH, PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE, PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA, PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS, RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK, ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER, ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER, SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL, STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER, TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT, TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES, WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH, CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES, JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON, ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD, ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL, RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG, TIM BEACHY * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner, Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths, John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth, Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane, Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of Philadelphia. Also thanks to Monkeon, HappyToast, Sn0tters & Matt Round. Please bung us your cash or fuck off: https://www.patreon.com/b3ta next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive