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   NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER IS NOT LATE, YOU'RE EARLY"
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 This Week:
 * LIES - "How Hitler helped write this newsletter"
 * BOLLOCKS - "Swollen to the size of a balloon"
 * TITS - "We are men who've seen them. On Wikipedia"
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're chasing the
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      Dragon 32
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"
 B3ta email 709 - 15th Feb 2019
 Read this issue smelling your own farts:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue709
 -------------------------------------------------
 1 like = 1 bit of contextual information that AI
 will use to help build a deeper understanding of
 how to profile you for advertisers.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SHEEP! RULES THE INTERNET NEWS
   Yes, that's Sheep! Like Wham!
   In news from the B3ta diaspora, Sheep! has been
   making a lot of noise of Twitter with his
   perplexing question, "If baguettes could move,
   how would they move? Give your reasoning."
   275k+ likes, Christ on a baguette.
 https://twitter.com/sheepfilms/status/109348713883...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Things that would win a referendum that would be
 a bad idea:
 * Dissolve parliament
 * Bring back hanging
 * Abolish TV licence
 * End income tax
 * Closing all cycle lanes
 * Murder legal if you think the other person
 looks at kids funny
 * Invading France
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HOW TO CREATE A 1980s SCI-FI SPACESHIP SHOT
   Using only a washing up bottle and some glue
  
   Ronofthesouth got bored at the weekend and
   decided to work out how to create the kind of
   spaceships shots you might have seen in Alien.
   Not bad job at all.
 https://b3ta.com/links/Creating_a_1980s_sci_fi_spa...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Eminem's 2000 hit Stan is dominated by the pencil
 sound effects all through the verses. Stan writes
 his fan letters in pencil. Eminem writes back in
 pencil. Are these people 5 years old?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : REES-MOGG COMMON PEOPLE
   Yeah it was made by a b3tan
   That Rees-Mogg animation that's everywhere?
   Created by old school b3tan @swedemason. He
   writes, "I got some work! The Mourinho plan was
   a success and I'm now working with the guys at
   Joe. This is the first fruit."
 https://www.b3ta.com/links/Jacob_Rees_Cock_er
 -------------------------------------------------
 Reusable cups from coffee shop have created a world of adult-toddlers with sippy-cups.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : EGGPOD VS ROBMANUEL VS JOHN LENNON
   Words for your earholes
  
   B3ta editor Rob Manuel on the EggPod podcast to
   talk about John Lennon's Plastic Ono Band. Not
   the best LP ever, but probably the best podcast
   ever recorded.
   BTW: The podcast is run by B3tan Chris Shaw AKA
   CCC, who is the same guy who pulled of the
   'Monkeyman superhero hoax' (check Wikipedia)
   and used to cheer up the newsletter by getting
   his local paper to print weird classifieds
   about dog poo.
 https://iamtheeggpod.com/2019/01/29/episode-15-rob...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Ever noticed that the tube station Marylebone is
 named after Simon Le Bon's sister?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SUPPORT BREEL'S BOARD GAME
   Friend of dotty
   Remember Breel? He of the ear socks from the
   early bashes? He's kickstartering a board game
   and wants your help. It's called "go dotty" and
   we're looking forward to connecting the dots
   and playing it.
 https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/godotty/go-do...
 -------------------------------------------------
 BLACK MIRROR EPISODE: There's a bug in twitter
 that reveals all the time you voted for the cunty
 option in your friend's polls.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BEEF
   Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe
   * SOOTY & SWEEP - This clip where Sweep's
   relatives come to stay is like drinking helium
   at a kids' party.
 https://twitter.com/archivetvmus71/status/10903106...
   * WHICH SPOTIFY SONG WAS PLAYED THE MOST? Bound
   to annoy the purists when they find that
   which-is-best isn't a good guessing technique.
 https://www.topofthespots.com/
   * CUTLERY DRAWER SIMULATOR - The best
   simulators are pointless simulators
 https://ded.increpare.com/~locus/Schubladesimulato...
   * A TUBE MADE OF SPLIT SECONDS OF FAMOUS SONGS
   - specifically to test if this is copyright
   infringement or not.
 https://twitter.com/EclecticMethod/status/10884657...
   * TOM BAKER SAYING "WHAT?" THE SUPERCUT - the
   fourth and best Doctor saying 'wot wot wot'
 https://twitter.com/pipmadeley/status/108712945525...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Along with the slow death of the physical media
 is the parallel death of "having a stereo".
 Replaced with a black speaker you can also shout
 at to time eggs.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HELP MAKE SISTER OF MERCY BOOK HAPPEN
   To make the editor of this newsletter happy
   Rob Manuel writes - "I'm an old Sisters of
   Mercy fan, this might shock you but it's true
   and last year I did a bit of work with the
   publishers Unbound, and whilst there I
   introduced a writer and Sisters historian Mark
   Andrews to them because there's never been a
   Sister biography. Please help make this happen
   by pledging because I just want to read the
   damn thing."
 https://unbound.com/books/sistersofmercy
 -------------------------------------------------
 Things we'll get back after Brexit:
 Old money
 Imperial measurements
 Answering the phone like "Kettering 6542"
 Picking up the phone and going "operator?"
 Radio 4 returning to the Home Service
 Bobbies on bicycles
 Cheeky milkmen
 Old county lines restored
 Churchill's ghost for PM
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Beatles movies
   Peter Jackson is turning 55 hours of previously
   unseen Beatles footage in to a new movie, so
   let's jump on that bandwagon and movie up The
   Beatles. Photoshop them in to films or give us
   some lovely song based cinema puns.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/beatlesfilms
 -------------------------------------------------
 Do you see the shampoo bottles occasionally left
 in gym showers as a soapy bonus - or worry about
 a serial killer who operates by leaving poisoned
 body wash in communal changing rooms waiting for
 a victim to rub death into their unsuspecting
 scalp?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FOLLOW UPS
   Other bits of news in tiny cat food chunks
   * MISSING RULE OF THREE POD? The creators have
   radio show being repeated at the moment on
   Radio 4. To be fair it's very different
   content, being a comedy rather than chat about
   comedy, but it's fun to see what our favourite
   podcasters do for their day job. Normal podcast
   service returning later this month.
 https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bfydqz
   * SPECTRUM GAMERS WANTED - "I'm filming
   interviews with people about their memories of
   the Spectrum and its 80s games as an academic
   project and short documentary. UK only at the
   moment. Email [email protected] if
   interested."
   * BROS'S CLAIM THAT THEY'RE NOT SUPERSTITIOUS -
   put to the test by B3tan Dr Dunno.
 https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/10912982...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Just a bit of cosmic ordering: the people who
 made the Bros documentary should make a Five Star
 documentary.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Some inspiration to start you off
 
   * IS BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN? A single page website
   dot com which displays random NO gifs from
   imgur and plays a midi version of Rule
   Britannia.
   * CHEGGERS PLAYS BOT -  a code tribute to the
   late, great Keith Chegwin that works by
   reposting jokes from other Twitter funny people
   without credit.
   * AN OFF SWITCH FOR PIERS MORGAN - blocks his
   tweets, mentions in media, his ITV TV show,
   people talking about his tweets, anything to do
   with Gillette, anything to with Gregg's sausage
   rolls. Together let's make him toxic, that if
   he gets on his shit horse about something that
   that gets block too until brands plead with him
   never to say anything again.
   * THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE TOOTLES OFF TO
   AUSCHWITZ - would be an unforgettable and
   probably unbroadcastable sketch. Don't make it.
   We're sorry for even thinking about it.
   Send your work to:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 They say hair of the dog cures a hangover but
 we've been licking it since 10am and we've only
 succeeded in giving him an erection.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : CREDIT
   Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
   extra stuff from Monkeon.
 -------------------------------------------------
 Celebrity Squares:
 * Rectangular Rippon
 * oBlongdie
 * Kitey Mingogue
 * Rhombus Weasley
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
   MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
   PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
   *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
   *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
   *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
   *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
   BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
   *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
   MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
   *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
   *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
   *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
   NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
   GOODE
   * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
   @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
   INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
   DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
   ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
   WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
   AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
   WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
   COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
   FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
   MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
   BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
   GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
   SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
   FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
   TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
   DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
   AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
   GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
   DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
   DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
   BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
   FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
   LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
   GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
   GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
   NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
   COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
   IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
   RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
   JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
   JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
   O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
   JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
   ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
   DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
   MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
   MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
   FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
   HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
   WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
   THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
   MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
   PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
   MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
   WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
   HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
   MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
   COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
   MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
   MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
   CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
   BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
   PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
   PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
   PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
   RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
   MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
   AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
   ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
   ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
   RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
   RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
   SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
   MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
   STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
   ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
   SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
   ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
   TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
   REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
   TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
   WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
   APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
   CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
   JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
   CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
   ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
   ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
   CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
   NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
   KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
   STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
   MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
   KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
   RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
   TIM BEACHY
   * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
   Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
   Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
   Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
   Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
   Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
   Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
   Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
   Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
   Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
   Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
   Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
   Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
   Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
   Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
   Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
   Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
   John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
   Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
   madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
   Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
   Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
   Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
   Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
   Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
   Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
   Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
   Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
   Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
   Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
   Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
   Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
   Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
   Philadelphia.
   Please bung us your cash:
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 People who run down the narrow bit of spiral
 staircases - how are you like this?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
   For being our biggest patreon
   Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
 https://twitter.com/edzitron
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TOP TIP
   Make your own Nigel Farage by teaching a frog
   to be racist. (NoStrings)
   Add your own at:
 http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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