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   NEWSLETTER: "WANT TO FEEL OLD? TURN ON THE FRONT FACING CAMERA"
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 This Week:
 * ROBOTS TALKING TO ROBOTS - Funnyish hack
 * ARGOS - A bot that posts old Argos tat
 * QOTW GOLD - the /notorious/ threesome story
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by backing it up
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    to archive.org"
 B3ta email 691  - 24 Aug 2018
 Alexa, read the B3ta newsletter in a robot voice:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue691
 -------------------------------------------------
 : ROBOTS TALKING TO ROBOTS
   An impractical but amusing interface to Spotify
   Your newsletter editor has been wasting his
   life making an interface to Alexa that works by
   getting his laptop to talk to it. You might
   think this is utterly pointless but it is fun
   and you can download the code and play with it
   yourself should you want. Or just watch the
   video.
 https://b3ta.com/blog/robot-dj/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : RHYMING FOOD MENU
 * Trouts with sprouts
 * Carrots with parrots
 * Bees with peas
 * Lambs and jams
 * Porks with stalks
 * Twiglets and piglets
 * Salmon and gammon.
 * Beef and Leaf
 * Chicken with sick in
 * Horse in sauce
 * Candy with brandy
 -------------------------------------------------
 : LAST WEEK'S CHALLENGE
   Remove a letter from an LP
   230 entries in our "remove a letter from an LP"
   challenge. That's numbers a bit like when we
   were more popular. Anyway. Still time to join
   in and pretend like it's 2004 again.
 https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterremovedlps/po...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : OLD ARGOS CATALOGUE BOT
   Random pages to make you nostalgic
   Inspired by our @yorecomputer and
   @randomsmashhits project comes @OldUKCatalogues
   who write "Would you be interested in this new
   feed?"
   We are literally planning to do this ourselves
   but haven't got round to it yet - although the
   main thing we'd have done different is to
   upload the material to archive.org first so
   everyone could use it:
 https://twitter.com/OldUKCatalogues
 -------------------------------------------------
 Everyone who tweets who claims they read books is
 a liar. It's like heroin addicts claiming they're
 into jogging.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : B3TANS MAKING BOTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN
   We'll be making Alexa skills with grandkids next
   Shardcore, botman extraordinaire and he who
   gave us the most useful bit of tech advice
   we've received in the last ten years ("Use
   Python. It's got libraries for everything. It's
   like putting Lego together"), anyway he's been
   repurposing his Factbot with the input of his
   Tumblraware daughter:
   He writes "hello, if you are looking for
   newsletter fodder, you might find this story of
   collaborative botmaking with my daughter
   suitable for the b3ta demographic ;)"
 http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress/2018/08/23/fac...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THIS WEEK'S IMAGE CHALLENGE
   British Computer games
   Ok. We've got a new challenge up. British
   Computer games. You know er... Space Invaders
   where you apologise for every alien shot.
 https://b3ta.com/challenge/britishcomputergames/po...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Programming is mostly writing a cool little
 function and then wanting to get a pat on the
 head and you don't get one because nobody has a
 clue what you're doing.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : CLOG RAVING
   Old music synced with slightly older video
   The Tramp Surveyor writes, "I edited some old
   BFI footage of clog dancing with some 90s rave
   music. Yeahhhh."
 http://b3ta.com/links/1496109
 -------------------------------------------------
 The best way to create equality is to jumble up
 the babies in hospitals. The rich will be
 motivated to pay taxes to improve the chances of
 their genetic offspring, everyone gets the same
 lottery chance at being born into wealth, and
 shouting "BABY JUMBLE" is joyful.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
   Sponsored Patreon
   Do you remember what it was like before Hebtro
   invented trousers? Men walked around in shorts.
   Make sure that never happens again:
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
   Sentences from the world's finest journalists
  
   * "Edinburgh Zoo has denied it employs a
   penguin erector" (Dundee Courier)
   * "Christian poet harassed by porn WhatsApp
   groups run by a 'mentally challenged' rabbit
   farmer" (South Africa News 24)
   * "Mum thinks her house might be haunted by a
   'spunking ghost' - and people are agreeing with
   her" (Daily Mirror)
   * "The Two Stone Cabbage" (Manx Independent)
   Compiled with the "help" of Scaryduck who has a
   book out soon and wants you to pre-order it NOW.
 http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
   Sponsored Patreon
   Ed does PR stuff and if you want some PR then
   ED is your guy. Everybody loves PR right?
 https://www.edzitron.com/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
   * PEANUTS SYNCED WITH 2112 BY RUSH - this made
   us quite like Rush, it's that good.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * MAN FINDS OLD PHOTOS - compelling thread from
   about finding a box a 100 year old slides and
   trying to use the internet to suss out who they
   are. A mystery still unresolved. 
 https://twitter.com/meandmybigmouth/status/1031476...
   * TWITTER WITHOUT THE ALGORITHM - Well, Twitter
   with a simpler algorithm which is just "tweets
   from people I follow, in chronological order
   and maybe some likes"
 http://realtwitter.com 
   * THEME TO KNIGHT RIDER ON A BANJO AND
   ACCORDION - Gijoel writes, "The guy's got
   skills."
 http://b3ta.com/links/1496229
   * JUST WILLIAM AND THE NAZIS - Ambegris writes,
   "So I've found out there's a Just William story
   I've never read, written in 1934, in which The
   Outlaws decide to model themselves after the
   German chancellor. William himself wants to be
   called 'Him Hitler' and they start harassing
   the village's only Jewish person." Holy shit!
 http://justwilliamsyear.co.uk/william-the-detectiv...
 -------------------------------------------------
 We've given the Twitter feed @b3ta_links a poke
 to get it working again after it died in the
 great B3ta hard disk crash. Make sure you follow
 it for the best links from our /links board.
 https://twitter.com/b3ta_links
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THE MEANING OF GIFF
   Redefined towns for the web 1.0 generation
   * TIMPERLEY  - The small key-like object
   supplied with some brands of smartphone to open
   the sim card slot.  (Smallbrainfield)
   * MAMBLE (V) - To attempt to refute an
   accusation of mansplaining with an even longer
   and more patronising explanation (cumquat may)
   * TEIGNMOUTH - to brazenly harvest the online
   posted witticisms of people into an article,
   book, publication, script or similar.
   (garidead)
   * HEBBING END - the section of a powerpoint
   presentation that extends beyond the projection
   surface and instead is projected onto some
   nearby curtains or ceiling tiles. (alistair)
   * SKIPTON - The unfinished pint left by a
   politician after a photo opportunity.
   (Smallbrainfield)
   * ROUNDHAY - A person who changes from portrait
   to landscape mode half way through a video.
   (alistair)
   If you've got any towns you want to define,
   head over to the 'Meaning Of Giff':
 http://b3ta.com/questions/themeaningofgiff
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Do an internet turd and become internet famous
   * DRAMA BE GONE - A script that mutes anyone
   who screenshotted people to demonstrate that
   the other person was a pillock would remove 80%
   of the drama on Twitter.
   * WHO WOULD HAVE YOU BEEN IF YOU WERE FAMOUS?
   The best selling music artist who's about the
   age of this writer is Eminem. So if our teenage
   dreams of being a pop star had come true, the
   market would have dictated we've have had to
   been a white rapper. Which, would have sucked,
   lucky escape there.
   * A ARTICLE IDEA WE'RE TOO LAZY TO RESEARCH -
   someone quizzing a policeman to write "27
   crimes you'll most likely get away with" would
   potentially be a good read.
   * BBC CONCENTRATE -  A BBC radio station they
   only plays instrumental music with DJs only
   allowed to speak to name the tracks /artists
   every 30 mins - for people who are working.
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
   *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
   *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
   BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
   *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
   *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
   MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
   THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
   COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
   IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
   FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
   GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
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   LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
   RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM
   WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
   CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER
   They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
   lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Rebecca McManus, Bex
   Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies, George
   Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
   Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
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   Chote, Geoffrey Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
   Mark Wilson, Paul Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian
   Beveridge, Alex Mastin, Raul Arreola, Faith H.
   Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
   Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
   Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
   Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur, John
   Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber, Jack
   Barton, David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon
   McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling,
   Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip
   Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek
   ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam
   Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
   Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
   Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Paul
   Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m McN&#464;ven, Paul
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   Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
   Stéphane.
   Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
   don't, please consider it.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
   Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
   Social media has largely become a machine for
   amplifying the word "Trump" and making us all
   hate each other, so block us now at:
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
 https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
   TOP TIP: WHEN CROSSING ROADS - rather than
   looking both ways before crossing simply add the
   vectors of both directions and look straight
   ahead. (Crack, 10 votes)
 http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ 
 -------------------------------------------------
 : QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
   Three's a crowd
 
   My sex misconception was that having my first
   threesome would be a good idea.
   It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best
   mates, let’s call him Darren, had a girlfriend
   who was liberal to the point of having no
   inhibitions whatsoever. This suited Darren
   perfectly and he used to boast to me regularly
   about the latest perversion they’d tested in
   the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the park… you
   get the idea).
   I was midway through Uni at the time but Darren
   and I had been friends all the way through
   school, been in sports teams together and it’s
   fair to say we knew each other about as well as
   two guys can, or so I thought. His girlfriend
   Jenny was a couple of years older than us but
   we’d both known her at school too. She was a
   stunning girl and great fun but unashamedly
   also a sexual deviant.
   The night of Darren’s birthday was when it
   happened. We were all a bit drunk and in no
   mood to stop when the music at the nightclub
   finished, so it was decided to go back to their
   house to continue the party. In the back of the
   cab, Jenny in the middle and Darren and me on
   either side, it became clear I was in for more
   than I’d bargained when she started groping me.
   A quick glance to the left revealed that Darren
   was already getting a hand job. He turned to me
   and said “Jenny’s always fancied a threes-up
   with you and me, how about it?”.
   Well, what could I say? Nothing, as it
   happened. She winked at me, I smiled nervously
   in reply and she unbuttoned my flies with her
   free hand …
   After an awkward payment to the blushing
   cabbie, we piled into their house and into the
   living room. I had no idea what to expect, it
   felt like losing my virginity again. She
   dabbled with the idea of just getting down to
   it right there, but Darren pointed out that the
   bedroom would be more comfortable. Our trio of
   bodies gradually made its way through the
   hallway and up the stairs, Jenny occasionally
   stopping to lick or fondle our various body
   parts. By the time we arrived at the bedroom,
   our clothes were all over the house.
   I let Jenny dictate the pace when she wasn’t
   using her skills on Darren as I really didn’t
   know what I was doing; I’d had plenty of solo
   partners myself but this was my first
   ménage-a-trois so I didn’t want to overstep
   whatever boundaries remained. Nevertheless,
   trying to be passive and gentlemanly in such
   rare circumstances just doesn’t work.
   Growing bored of switching attention back and
   forth between our respective cocks, Jenny
   commanded Darren to fuck her hard, and he
   happily obliged. While he was busily shagging
   her from behind, I decided to engage in a bit
   of ‘spit roasting’, then she insisted that we
   swap ends. It was certainly a weird feeling to
   be fucking my best mate’s girl while he was
   being fellated by her a couple of feet away,
   watching my every thrust intently. It was all a
   bit surreal and I didn’t think it would go any
   further, but Jenny wanted to try every
   conceivable position available to the three of
   us. She laid me on the bed, straddled me and
   invited Darren to fill her vacant rear
   entrance. It turns out that double penetration
   is much more difficult than porn movies would
   have you believe.
   After an unenjoyable sojourn into shitty city,
   Darren decided it was time to watch me and
   Jenny for a bit while he “cleaned himself off”…
   yuck. I was still lying on the bed so Jenny
   assumed the classic ‘69’ position and began
   giving me a very fine blowjob while I got to
   work on her. Darren couldn’t stand just
   watching so after a few cursory wipes he
   decided to resume his previous position in
   Jenny’s wrong ‘un, which was fine for him.
   However, it placed me in the unenviable
   position of having to look directly up at his
   sweaty ballsack and arse. I closed my eyes and
   tried to concentrate on Jenny’s excellent
   technique rather than my best friend’s
   pendulous undercarriage slamming into her
   chocolate exit strategy.
   With my eyes closed, I was finally starting to
   enjoy the experience myself. I could feel the
   pressure building as Jenny demonstrated her
   lack of a meaningful gag reflex and could tell
   she was enjoying my oral generosity too. She
   was really wet to the point of dripping into my
   mouth, so I lapped it up like a dog eating a
   melted ice cream. I’d never experienced
   anything like it before, but it was a real turn
   on to know she was getting so much pleasure,
   even if she did taste a bit different to most
   of the girls I’d been with before. After
   another minute or two she finished me off in
   her mouth. Feeling rather exhausted and self
   conscious again, I opened my eyes again only to
   find that Darren was already lying next to us.
   Confused, I looked up and noticed a trickle of
   light brown fluid running from Jenny’s fudge
   box, all the way down her lady-garden and
   stretching onto my own lips.
   Unfortunately for me, while I had been lost in
   mutual oral pleasure with my eyes closed,
   Darren had quietly emptied a remarkable load of
   hot monkey custard into Jenny’s backside, and
   then he’d pulled out with predictable results.
   It wasn’t my tongue that had made her beef
   pocket so impressively moist after all. The
   worst part was that I’d swallowed most of the
   devil’s own cocktail in the mistaken belief
   that it was my prize for being so good at
   cunnilingus. I ended up blaming the ensuing
   bout of puking on the evening’s drinks.
   So kids, my advice to you is: if you ever end
   up being asked to a threesome, for goodness’
   sake, either get the boy/girl ratio right or
   ensure that gravity is on your side.
   Apologies if the ending to this tale has left a
   nasty taste in your mouth too. (chart cat)
 https://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconception...
 -------------------------------------------------
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   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
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