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   NEWSLETTER: "SPACE FORCE RECRUITMENT DRIVE"
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 "Space Force recruitment drive"
 This Week:
 * BOT - Random pages from the poppermost Smash Hits
 * TOY - 5,000 movie mash-ups on every click
 * BEANO - It was a bit racist in the past, oops
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're typing words into    
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the internet and hoping
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    you'll read them"
 B3ta wap communication 689  - 10 August 2018
 Read this issue whilst smelling of ham:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue689
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PEOPLE WITH FUNNY NAMES
   Not quite "question of the week" but sort of
   We asked on Twitter for you to tell us about
   the people you've met with funny names.
   * "The woman who recruited me into the NHS was
   called Jean Pool." (@cowjam)
   * "When I worked at the dole office in the
   1980s, I had a client called Mr Wanker. Asked
   if he would consider changing his name if it
   would help him find work, he sat up straight
   and said he was 'a Wanker and proud'.  I had to
   leave the room." (@alistaircoleman)
   * "A man at a car hire desk in California had a
   name badge that said Rusty Colon. He caught me
   taking a photo and just sighed."
   (@christhebarker)
   * "Before my uncle had a word with mum my
   sister was very nearly called Helen." (Philip
   Bak @niinegames)
   * "I once debated the legalisation of cannabis
   on local radio against a conservative party
   activist called Prudence Daly." (@bengoldacre)
   More on the thread - actually about 500 plus.
 https://twitter.com/b3ta/status/102721557963413094...
 -------------------------------------------------
 Crazy Horses / best of all the animals
 Crazy Horses / they're my friends
 -------------------------------------------------
 : MOVIE MASH-UP GENERATOR
   Because doing this by hand is so 2005
   "I took over 5000 movie titles," writes Sir
   Monkeon of Monkford, "and wrote a script to
   generate all the times where the ending of one
   title blends into the start of another."
   * "A BOY AND HIS DOG DAY AFTERNOON"
   * "DIRTY HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE"
   * "THREE COLOURS: WHITE HOUSE DOWN"
   More, so much more at:
 https://www.monkeon.co.uk/moviemashup/
 -------------------------------------------------
 Queer eye but it's just five nerds looking at
 your code and shaking their heads.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : RANDOM SMASHHITS BOT
   Pages from pop 1978-1987
   "I've made a bot that posts random pages from
   Smash Hits," writes your silver-haired
   Mussolini, "I quite like it for a number of
   reasons, including using it as inspiration for
   what to type into Spotify."
 https://twitter.com/randomsmashhits
 -------------------------------------------------
 Star Trek movie elevator pitches:
 Trek I: What if Trek came back with a huge FX
 budget?
 Trek II: What if Spock died?
 Trek III: What if Spock came back?
 Trek IV: What if they time-travelled to the 20th
 Century?
 Trek V: What if they went on holiday? Maybe a bit
 of camping & a sing-song?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : REVIEW OF THE FIRST BEANO
   Happy 80th Birthday Gnasher!
   Ambegris has dug out the first Beano from 80
   years ago and given it a review. And... it's a
   bit racist. Still, probably for the best that
   they stopped using a black child eating a
   watermelon as their official mascot. Don't want
   to encourage Boris.
 https://the-slipper.blogspot.com/2018/08/the-beano...
 -------------------------------------------------
 CV writing tips:
 * Titling it "Curriculum Vitae" looks dead clever
 like you know French
 * Most recruiters treat the whole thing as a
 dating pool so include a dick pic
 * Include any hobbies you have like "writing
 tweets" or "Netflix and chill"
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TECH HACKS
   Telephone Elmo
   LP writes, "For no good reason, I've connected
   a Tickle-Me-Elmo to the telephone exchange that
   I happen to have in my house. So, I can phone
   it and he'll laugh down the phone at me."
 https://www.b3ta.com/links/Telephone_Elmo:2
 -------------------------------------------------
 : QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
   The tale of the cornflake
   "Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a
   serial complainer/consumer terrorist.
   "She used to fire letters of complaint off to
   all manner of unsuspecting companies regarding
   their shoddy wares, or in this case, food. The
   usual response was a fistful of money off
   vouchers or a cheque from the unsuspecting
   complaint to calm her fevered brow.
   "Anyway, one day, Kellogg’s appeared on her
   radar because they'd committed the heinous
   crime of palming a large box of cornflakes off
   on the unsuspecting masses (in this case her)
   with a burnt cornflake in it.
   "The sternly worded letter of complaint was
   duly written and dispatched post haste to those
   fine people at Kellogg’s. She really went to
   town on them over how outrageous it was that
   such a fine upstanding company should be
   peddling this sub standard filth on the general
   public and what were they going to do about it
   regarding compensating her for this impurity in
   her breakfast cereal?
   Their response?
   A "With Compliments" slip with a single
   replacement cornflake taped to the top right
   hand corner." (frightfullybored)
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
   Sponsored Patreon
   We reckon 99% of our readers probably have
   legs. And most people who have legs probably
   want to cover them in some trousers. Speak to
   Hebtro. They'll sort you the shit out.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : EVERY SHIT YOU'LL EVER DO
   Catalogued in list form
  
   Mikeisbrill writes, "I was commissioned to
   write this by a fairly well-known website
   which, upon completion, changed their mind and
   didn't want it anymore. Fair enough, I reckon.
   Still, it took me a while, so I made it look a
   bit fancy and HTML5-y."
 http://mikerampton.com/everyshit/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
   Not Clickbait Robot, actual journalism
   * "Woman finds raccoon in back garden, local
   raccoon owner says 'It's complicated'"
   (Liverpool Echo)
   * "Rangers fans kicked boy's sand castle"
   (Aberdeen Evening Express)
   * "Christmas assault followed sprout fight"
   (Milford Mercury)
   Compiled this week by Scary Duck - join his
   Facebook group "Angry People in Local
   Newspapers" NOW:
 https://www.facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspap...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
   Sponsored Patreon
   Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
 https://twitter.com/edzitron
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BEEF DRIPPING
   Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
   * EVER HEARD OF THE "BBC DIP"? Nope, it's not
   dickheads moaning we should dump the BBC, but a
   quite interesting nerdy video about the EQing
   you have to do in the frequency range on
   speakers. Really.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * EVERY TWITTER POLL EVER - like voting in
   polls? This link should give you a list to a
   load of Twitter polls that you have no business
   in voting in.
 http://bit.ly/2Otu7Oa
   * IF MOVIES ENDED LIKE YOUTUBE VIDEOS - "What's
   up guys, remember to like and subscribe"
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
  
   * MAKING A DRUM OUT OF ANALOGUE TAPE - this
   looks like a fun thing to play.
 https://www.b3ta.com/links/Tape_Tapping
   * OBI WAN KENOBI GOES FOR A SHIT - "My son
   spotted this" coughs barst.
 https://twitter.com/Uncleskinny/status/10261887043...
   * RUDE MAP - jameslloydwilliams has sent in a
   Google map of rude place names, "It's a bit
   rude at times, which could be funny if you're
   really childish." Shame we don't know anyone
   like that.
 http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/
 -------------------------------------------------
 ++ PIG BREEDS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE FONTS ++
 Aksai Black Pied
 Basque
 Beijing Black
 Breitovo
 British Landrace
 Chato Murciano
 Iberian
 Juliana
 Mangalitsa
 ++ FONTS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE PIG BREEDS ++
 Cholla Slab
 Gloucester
 Granjon
 Perpetua
 Rockwell
 Cloister Black
 Wilson Greek
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Do a project and we'll tell the world. Maybe
   * YOUR FAMOUS SCHOOLMATES FINDER-OUTER - Your
   newsletter editor is two months older than Alex
   Jones which means he would have been in his
   year at school, along with Robbie Williams,
   Kate Moss and Ryan Giggs.
   * REWRITE SONGS TO BE ABOUT VACUUM CLEANERS -
   "I like to hoove it hoove it / I like to hoove
   it hoove it / hoove it!"
   * A COUNTDOWN CLOCK UNTIL ALEX JONES IS BANNED
   FROM TWITTER - he's so obviously going to be
   banned and Twitter is just pouring away good
   will by dragging their feet about it.
   Send your stuff to:
 https://b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : NEWSLETTER CREDIT CRAWL
   Thanks to Wil, Kris, Prestidigitus, Alistair
   Coleman, artifus, Happy Toast & Monkeon.
   Proofing by @divstivs & @lenirtpls. Subjlol via
   @FinchWrites.
   Newsletter written by Rob Manuel in a
   monospaced font on Google docs and BBEdit.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SOCIAL MEDIA BOLLOCKS
   Coz it is bollocks isn't it?
  
   Facebook is fucking useless for traffic and
   Twitter is full of Nazis so join the 27 people
   who follow us on Mastodon instead.
 https://mastodon.social/@b3ta
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
 https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
   *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
   *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
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   *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
   MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
   THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
   COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
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   CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER
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   Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
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 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
   TOP TIP:
   Kids love seeing their names spelled out in
   Alphabetti Spaghetti. But it's more expensive
   than Spaghetti Hoops. Keep the little buggers
   happy and save cash by naming them
   OOOOOOOOOOOOO. (krang)
 http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ 
 -------------------------------------------------
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   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
   --------------------

   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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