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   NEWSLETTER: "THE SEVENTH FUNNIEST INTERNET NEWSLETTER IN BRITAIN. MAYBE
   EIGHTH."
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 "THE SEVENTH FUNNIEST INTERNET NEWSLETTER IN BRITAIN. MAYBE EIGHTH."
 This Week:
 * TRUMP - Secret tape revealed!
 * CHALLENGE - Tonight is the night when "2 films become 1"
 * CODE - Become a rockstar programmer. For real.
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our nips   
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   to beat the heatwave
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together"
 B3ta electronic-email no. 687  - 27 July 2018
 Read this issue in your E.L. Whisty boring voice:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue687
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SECRET TRUMP TAPE EXCLUSIVE
   Hold the front page dot com
   Apparently there's bumper stickers saying "the
   pee tape is real" but B3ta informant S4RK
   reckons they've got "Footage from tape
   discovered by staff at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel -
   found stuffed into a brown envelope marked
   '4VP'"
 https://www.b3ta.com/links/Security_Tape_177_6_cls...
 -------------------------------------------------
 May we all live long enough that our first names
 becomes comic if you gave them to a baby.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PINKY & PERKY SING YOUR MP3s
   An interactive toy from Monkeon dot co dot uk
 
   King of quirky quizzes Mr Monkeon has made a
   toy that speeds up your MP3s and makes TV
   legends Pinky and Perky dance to them.
   (We were slightly worried that modern readers
   wouldn't know what an MP3 was but then we
   remembered they wouldn't know who Pinky and
   Perky is either.)
 https://www.monkeon.co.uk/pinkyandperky/
 -------------------------------------------------
 The main flaw of Nineteen Eighty-Four is Orwell's
 failure to predict Wham's domination of Top Of
 The Pops.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THE RETURN OF WEEBL AND BOB
   Yes, he came back and he still wants pie
   We haven't mentioned Jonti 'Weebl' Picking for
   a bit but we just checked in and we're pleased
   to report he's revived Weebl & Bob!
   "It's is an accidental Weebl and Bob written
   while I was mean to be making a new Savlonic
   track", says Jonti 'it's a snake' Picking, "It
   just sort of happened. But I don't regret it."
   Wow. It's like 2002 never stopped and it's made
   us want to dig out Flash 5.0 and start tweening
   again.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
 -------------------------------------------------
 1971: Maggie Thatcher = milk snatcher
 2018: Theresa May, thieves au lait
 -------------------------------------------------
 : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Sorry Adobe, we're back on our bullshit
   This week we've got a simple, let's say
   classic, challenge for you: mash up two films.
   You know the score: Annie Hall Get Your Gun.
   But funny. So fire up Corel Draw and Paintshop
   Pro the shit out of it.
 https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmcombo2/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : MENU FAILS
   Because it's 1976 and Ingrish is still funny
   @xpeasmanx writes, "I made this Twitter account
   for Google Translate menu fails. I think it's
   piss funny, but then I would wouldn't I?"
 https://twitter.com/menufails
 -------------------------------------------------
 Untested pop theory: individual artists are more
 likely to go big than bands these days coz it's
 difficult to fit a photo of band into a portrait
 format that works well on a phone.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HEADLINE(S) OF THE WEEK
   Actual sentences spotted on the World Wide Web
   * "Topiarist woken up by 'vicious drunks'
   trying to have sex with his 'lady hedge'"
   (Telegraph)
   * "Police find 'man covered in blood' was
   smothered in jam" (Dailypost)
   * "Egyptian zoo 'paints donkey to pass it off
   as a zebra'" (Telegraph, again)
   If you've spotted a good headline then tell us:
 https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 Trump's face is the second thing that pops up if
 you Google image search "idiot" or "moron" but
 sadly only fifth for "wanker"
 -------------------------------------------------
 : TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
   Sponsored Patreon
   We reckon 99% of readers probably have legs.
   And most people who have legs probably want to
   cover them in some trousers. Speak to Hebtro.
   They'll sort you the fuck out.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff we like that wasn't made by our "mates"*
   * GOOGLE WEBCAM TOY - this full-body mapping
   thingie attempts to follow your body and copy
   the pose. It'll make you look like an arsehole
   in the office anyway.
 https://experiments.withgoogle.com/collection/ai/m...
   * ROCKSTAR PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE - where the
   code is also song lyrics. Worth a read - funny
   in a nerdy way.
 https://github.com/dylanbeattie/rockstar
   * ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 is the most perfect
   bit of film music ever written. In itself it's
   just a chunky bit of keyboard bass but stick it
   on almost any footage and suddenly it’s a tense
   movie scene. Seriously, we've just bunged it on
   some camera test footage of some cats and it
   still works.
 https://tubedubber.com/
   * DANK MEMES BOT - train a neural net on memes
   and then have it caption new images.
 https://blogs.nvidia.com/blog/2018/07/18/deep-lear...
   * EERIE WIKIPEDIA PAGE - 1975 tube crash that
   killed 43 people and no one knows why it
   happened.
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moorgate_tube_crash
   * DAILY BLINDFOLDED DRAWINGS - cute little idea
   where some dude blindfolds themself and draws
   every day.
 https://dbd.rtgp.xyz/
   * A lie. We have no mates. We're Internet shut-ins.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
   Sponsored Patreon
   Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
 https://twitter.com/edzitron
 -------------------------------------------------
 : "I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE"
   B3ta user Wiggys has written a highbrow gag
   "I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after
   just Four Seasons..."
   Can you beat it? And we don't mean your penis.
 https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenaj...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
   Free ideas to encourage you to send us shit
   * TORMENTING COMEDIAN BOT - a bot that @s
   comedians and makes them panic going "Looking
   forward to show in [random town] tonight". No,
   don't do this. Really.
   * REALISTIC INTERNET SIMULATOR 2.0 - a HTML5
   remake of the B3ta classic with endless cookie
   and GDPR pop-ups.
   * PARKLIFE BOT - Looks for tweets that have
   high character count and low word count and
   quote tweets with "Parklife!" (There's also
   probably a minor Youtube hit in sticking Danny
   Dyer lines over Parklife.)
   And, if you do make some stuff, be like Billy Joel and TELL US ABOUT IT.
 https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : CREDITS
   Newsletter written by Rob Manuel.
   Top tip via $$.
   Site thanks Wil, Kris, Monkeon, HappyToast.
   Submissions: banaan.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS
   They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
   *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
   *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
   BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
   *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
   *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
   MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
   THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
   COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
   IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
   FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
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   LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
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   WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
   CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER
   They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
   lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Rebecca McManus, Bex
   Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies, George
   Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
   Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
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   Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek
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   Johnston, Richard Chamley, Tom Gleeson, Mark
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   Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Jim Woodward,
   Alexander Jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben Burton,
   Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek Law,
   David Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan,
   Matthew Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe
   McNally, Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran,
   Konrad Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly,
   Frank Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
   mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
   Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
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   Reward Description: (None for No Reward), Nick
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   peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
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   Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham Freeman, Dave
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   Philadelphia, John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob
   Potter, James Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al
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   Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward,
   Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily Payne, Tim
   Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr, Bobod ,
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   Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman, David Bond, Ben ,
   Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
   Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
   madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
   Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
   Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble, Nigel Ford,
   Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries of Sound,
   Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
   Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
   Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
   Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
   Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
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   &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
   Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
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   Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
   Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
   Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
   Stéphane.
   Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
   don't, please consider it.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : B3TA SOCIAL MEDIA PROMOTIONAL SECTION
   Report B3ta to the internet police NOW!
  
   Apparently most social media sits on a big
   block of AI code so if you want to see less
   B3ta crap in your timeline report, block and
   mute us now. It's the only way to be sure.
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
 https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
 http://www.friendsreunited.co.uk/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BONUS "HITLER OR JACOB REES-MOGG QUIZ"
   Right-wing extremist or a former German leader?
   It's said that Jacob Rees-Mogg Quiz looks like
   a child who got his father to buy five million
   bars of Wonka's chocolate so he'd win the
   golden ticket, who then stole some shrinking
   chewing gum and had to be put into a chewing
   machine to be stretched back.
   And we're pleased to report that NiceButDim has
   abused the Survey Monkey platform to try and
   deliver you a Rees or Nazi quiz. Which isn't
   the best way to do it but we like the idea.
   Maybe try Playbuzz next time. Or ask Monkeon if
   you can borrow one of his old scripts.
 https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/NDMXBWJ
 -------------------------------------------------
   TOP TIP:
   Sweetcorn kernels make ideal tooth replacements
   for chain smokers who've been fighting.
 http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ 
 -------------------------------------------------
 : ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
   Other than the
   * Sub to the newsletter like marine, keep it
   clean like Mr Sheen:
 https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/
   * Do not unsub. You will get cancer.
 <unsubscribe>You don't want cancer do you?</unsubscribe>
   * Submit your "special" content to newsletter:
 https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
   * Fund the newsletter via the Patreon. Really,
   fund the fuck out of us. Thanks.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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