we love the web
    
   email us
   go to messageboard newsletter archive home
   NEWSLETTER: TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1995
   next issue »
   « previous issue

 This Week:
 * NOSTALGIA - GeoCities GIF Bot is pure 1995
 * CYRIAK - Support his sci-fi novel
 * CLOCKS - Tell the time with Flavor Flav
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We'll save the web when 
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   we have our website
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     back.... ooops!"
 B3ta email 679  - 25 May 2018
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITE DOWN ARGH!
   It's going to be a mini newsletter this week as
   the site is down so it's kinda hard to bring
   you any 'best of the site' stuff.
   Our host had a power surge and it's knocked
   over thousands of servers and they're doing
   their best to bring them back one by one.
   If that fails then we've got back ups but we'd
   lose two weeks of posts so we'd rather just
   wait for the host to fix everything - shouldn't
   be too long.
   Anyway, in the meantime we do have some b3ta
   projects to tell you about, and we've peppered
   it with some terrible jokes written by people
   who replied our Twitter account.
 -------------------------------------------------
 What sexually transmitted disease do budgerigars get?
 Chirpes.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : GEOCITIES GIF BOT
   Tonight we're going to party like it's 1995
   Your B3ta editor Rob Manuel has written a bot
   that searches old GeoCities pages and pulls out
   GIFs and posts them on Twitter, complete with a
   working link to the Internet Archive cache of
   the page.
   Some of the GIFs are shit, some are sort of
   amazing, and if you can be arsed to put the
   time in and explore the links, it's a treasure
   trove of forgotten internet.
 https://twitter.com/geocitiesgifbot
 -------------------------------------------------
 Thanks to the over 1,050 people who voted in our
 poll: "Would you rather watch the Royal wedding
 or have a wank?"
 88% of you voted for a wank. How many of you did
 both at once to produce royalty-infused spaff is
 unclear.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BUY SOME FUCKING TROUSERS
   Sponsored patreon
   Hebtro make awesome trousers. And they're made
   by some old newsletter contributors in the UK.
   Their site was also knocked over in the great
   crash that's killed us but they're back online
   now. THE JAMMY BASTARDS.
 https://hebtro.co/
 -------------------------------------------------
 There was a pub that was renowned for selling
 many flavours of crisp. A man went in there and
 asked for helicopter crisps. The barman replied:
 “I'm sorry sir, we've only got plain.”
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FLAVOR FLAV CLOCK
   Telling the time with rappity-clock photos
  
   Monkeon has produced a Twitter clock by
   researching loads of old photos of rap-singer
   Flavor Flav and with clocks around his neck.
   His write-up on the whole project is well worth
   a read.
 http://www.monkeon.co.uk/flavorflavclock/
 -------------------------------------------------
 Do you know what makes me cross?
 Lollipop ladies.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : CYRIAK HAS WRITTEN A BOOK
   And he needs you to fund it
  
   Your newsletter editor Rob occasionally works
   with the publisher Unbound, and he set up a
   meeting between B3ta legend Cyriak and the
   publisher with the idea maybe he could do some
   kind of art book.
   Cyriak said "Er... maybe?" but that he had in
   fact written a sci-fi novel, and guess what:
   it's actually fucking great. Here's a quick
   interview we did with him.
  -- Tell us about the book.
   It's a science fiction novel in which a horse
   relates the story of its life, and describes
   the peculiar series of events that ultimately
   allowed it to destroy the universe.
  -- Tell us a joke.
   What's a horse's favourite tv show?
   Neigh-bours. Is that even still going? I've no
   idea. They also enjoy The Neigh-Team and
   Coro-neigh-tion Street. And A-neigh-mal
   Horse-pital.
 You notice these are all tv shows from 20 years
 ago by the way, that's how long it's been since I
 watched tv I think. Apart from Inside No. 9, that
 was good. Or Inside Number Neigh-n. I'll stop
 now.
   -- Tell us a bit about writing the book
   I started writing it in 2015 for the National
   Novel Writing Month, as a personal challenge to
   see if I could write a 50,000 word story based
   on the most outlandish idea I could think of.
   After writing 50k words I realised not only was
   the story only half way through, but it was
   actually quite good, so I carried on hammering
   away at it over the next two years, while
   watching the real world become more ridiculous
   than anything I could possibly compete with.
   -- What's the best thing you can cook?
   Nothing I cook involves anything more technical
   than heating something up in an oven. Cooking
   is one of those things that gets in the way of
   internet browsing, so I try to minimise my
   involvement in the process if possible.
   -- Anything you'd like to say to b3ta readers?
   Hello b3ta readers. Are you all enjoying being
   old? It's great isn't it? I actually do
   gardening now.
   Help crowdfund Cyriak's book here:
 https://unbound.com/books/horse-destroys-the-unive...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : COPYWRITER WANTS JOB
   Sponsored patreon
   One of our sponsorships slots has been taken by
   Josh, who writes: "A good friend of mine is
   looking for a decent job doing good copywriting
   for someone who's not a cunt. I've not told him
   I'm going to do this but how would you feel
   about plugging him in the newsletter? His name
   is Thom Wong."
 https://allknown.info/
 -------------------------------------------------
 What idiot called it YouPorn instead of Grotify?
 -------------------------------------------------
 : YOUR NEW FAVOURITE BAND
   Has made an LP about tennis
  
   "Hi B3ta! Long time reader, first time email
   beggar. Me and two friends wrote a short punk
   album about Andre Agassi balding, John McEnroe
   flipping out and Pete Sampras (not) being a
   robot. We're the world's greatest Tennis Punk
   Band, Boris Becker."
   We gave the first track a listen and thought
   this was great. It's utterly mad in a good way.
 http://borisbeckerband.bandcamp.com/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : RULE OF THREE
   Best comedy podcast we've ever heard
  
   We've got a bit of a man-crush on the comedy
   writers Joel Morris and Jason Hazeley. They're
   known for writing for Charlie Brooker,
   Philomena Cunk, and all those Ladybird books.
   However, the reason we're actually fans isn't
   so much their brilliant work as the fact that
   we've enjoyed so much having them as Facebook
   friends and reading all their thoughtful
   threads about comedy and writing.
   We're utterly delighted they've turned all this
   stuff into a podcast: comedy writers talking to
   comedy writers about comedy.
   You couldn't think of a podcast idea more up
   our street if you tried and they've executed it
   brilliantly. It's four episodes in and you're
   in for a treat:
   Published every Thursday, leading us to shout
   with delight "thank fuck it's Threesday!"
 https://www.acast.com/ruleofthree
 -------------------------------------------------
 : REMEMBER USVSTH3M?
   Five years ago
   UvT was launched 5 years ago this week, and it
   briefly shone bright before crashing into the
   ground.
   Matt Round was one of our game developers and
   he's put together a handful of his best
   material for you to remember what it was all
   about.
   We recommend Super Tory Boy.
 https://mattround.com/usvsth3m/
 -------------------------------------------------
 We've learnt that Michael Caine going shopping
 for sausages in Harrods. There's a butchers in
 there. Michael will buy his sausages and then say
 "have a couple of sausages yourself".
 Michael Caine tips in sausages.
 Maybe he thinks they’re cigars.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : GET YOUR GRANT FUNDING APPLICATION WRITTEN
   Sponsored patreon
   Need grant funding for a tech project or idea?
   Get Cutting Edge Analysis to write a no-win, no
   fee proposal for you. Go on: click this link
   and make the guy who paid us money happy.
 https://www.cuttingedgeanalysis.com/
 -------------------------------------------------
 I've got a new job as the triangle player in a reggae band.
 I just stand at the back and ting.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : NEED PR? BEST CALL ED
   Sponsored patreon
   "I'm Ed Zitron and I'm running the best PR
   company in the world - and I've been reading
   B3ta for 15 years so have sponsored them."
   Thank you Ed. This week let’s link to you his
   Twitter account - why the fuck not?
 https://twitter.com/edzitron
 -------------------------------------------------
 : DRUNKEN BAKER BOOK
   Viz bloke does book
   If you're a fan of VIZ and if you read B3ta
   then you probably are you'll know all about
   Drunken Bakers.
   The guy who writes it has turned into a book.
   We went and saw him do a turn on Thursday night
   and he was brilliant - it was like watching
   Lenny Bruce, sporadically stumbling between
   being funny, profound, and then drunken and
   crap.
   A wonderful time - you should buy the book -
   you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be £14 poorer
   but your soul will be richer.
 http://wreckingballpress.com/product/drunken-baker...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : Credits
   Newsletter written by Rob Manuel
   Jokes by Andrew Higgins, Rebecca McManus, John
   Davis & Chuckman.
   Proofing by Steven Chicken & David Stevenson.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SPONSORS
   Josh McMillan, Ed Zitron, Kevin Prescott & HebTroCo.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PATREON THANKS - WE LOVE YOU PEOPLE
   *TOM JENKINS BATES* *JON GRANT* *SHOWRAT *
   *SIMON JAMES* *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE* *MR
   PHIL DONNELLY* *KATE * *JAMES PETTS* *STEWART
   NOLAN* *BRYAN PEACOCK* *MARK MCCREADIE* *ALEX
   MORRIS* *JAMES O'BRIEN*
   Andrew Wren, James Cronin, Alistair , Ian
   Sheen, Neil Hepburn, Mark Adamson, Andrew
   Flemming, Alan Charlton, spazzcaptain , Wendy
   Goode, Jaimie Vandenbergh, Chris Blakeney,
   Bevan Johnson, Criss Moreno, Jo Apps, Chris
   Locke, Albert Marshmallow, Greg McGowan,
   Richard Barclay, Richard Matthias, Patrick
   Cates, 24-7 Death, Tom Wright, Jon Binstead,
   Simon Nicholls, Chris Carline, Brian Eeles,
   Michael Trinder, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan.
   lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Jonathan Ferguson,
   Tom O'Bedlam, Brad Gregory, Graham Licence,
   Paul Rose (Mr Biffo), Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus
   McKay, Steve herman, Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick
   Curtis, Craig Turner, Joshua Thomasson, Dog
   Byte, Fearghas , unklefiction , Chris Gough,
   fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Basel Kirmani,
   Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys Wynne, Matt
   Machell, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
   Rhodes, James Mounter, Chris Whitworth, James
   Macinnes, Geoff Tidey, Pete Ashton, John Higgs,
   Daniel Chote, Geoffrey Balme, Byron Geoffrey
   Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul Cherry, Nick Ross,
   Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin, Raul Arreola, Faith
   H. Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
   Thomas, Sam Russell, Stephanie Radford, David
   Knoll, Ben Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P,
   Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin,
   Chris Andrews, Jim MacArthur, John Hammersley,
   Andy Yates`, Andy Webber, Jack Barton, David
   Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon McDougall, Craig
   Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason Stewart,
   Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian Boltz,
   Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk,
   Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James Clayton,
   David Harrison, Jim Frayling,  Mike Middleton,
   Richard Hobbs, Scott S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds,
   Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Jamie Borrill, Paul
   Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m McN&#464;ven, Paul Healey,
   Andy Ashton, Tom Rees-Williams, David Mills,
   Martin Beer, midnightrambler , Neil Ronketti,
   matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny, Dave Tickle, Andre
   Stiefenhofer, Matthew Forman, Gareth Noyce,
   Chris Paterson, James Woods, pookong , oliver
   bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion
   Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon Henry, Simon
   waterfall, Paul Westerman, Courtenay Ferris,
   Andy Tillett, Essy Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry
   Quartley, Bertil Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark
   Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich Pope, John
   Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian
   Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane
   Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden, Simon Cowan,
   Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes,
   John Docherty, Dan Stott, Siobhan McNally, Bill
   Atkinson, Jonathan , Starlord Mixtape,
   Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne Mann, Andy
   Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman, Sarah
   Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Richard Chamley,
   Tom Gleeson, Mark McGowan, Ed Cook, Darren
   Stanley, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
   Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson, Tom Crick,
   Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC ,
   Derek Law, Mark Logue, Jon Weston, David
   Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
   Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
   Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
   Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
   Hollis, sean casely, Chris Stammers, Al
   Davidson, martin mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin
   Holloway, Dave Gee, Mike Davis, Steve Thornton,
   Tim Mouncer, peter wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew
   Morris, Wayne Myers, Rob Vincent, Chris Shaw,
   Rick Lindley, Greg Neilson, blossomshed , Jude
   Evans, Kev Adams, Simon Smith, David
   Edmundson-Bird, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
   Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
   Fiona James, Robert Hills, Natalee , Anne-Marie
   Scott, James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
   Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
   Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
   Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Jason
   Law, Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
   Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
   Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
   Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
   Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, Alex Hayton,
   James Shakespeare, Jiminy Hall, Tim Weaver,
   Lisa Westhaven, James O'Malley, Emma Lay, Phil
   Wade, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl, Catherine
   McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien Smith, Jim
   Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von Borstel,
   Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, AARON HOLMES,
   No Reward Description: (None for No Reward),
   Nick Morgan, Rog Sharples, Ben Brice, Iain
   Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
   Green, Matthew Mould, Riven A Buckley, Robin ,
   Luche , Ian Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin
   Tommey, Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess
   Baker, Tom Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan,
   Mike Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
   Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
   Stark, Adam Beardwood, Dominic Le Garsmeur,
   Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew Robinson,
   Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim Beachy, Rose
   Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
   Moeller, Irene Semanchuk, Alexandre Strube,
   Craig Naples, Steve Bryant, Richard Speed,
   Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
   Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
   peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
   Andy Candler, Deny Coughlan, Peter Michael
   Gibbs, Russ Anderson, Nick Kent, Peter
   Keelback, Wine School of Philadelphia, John
   Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
   Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
   Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
   BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
   Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
   Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
   Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
   David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
   Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
   Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
   Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
   Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
   Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
   of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
   Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
   Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
   Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
   Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
   Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
   ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
   Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
   &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
   Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
   Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
   McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
   John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
   Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
   Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
   Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
   Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
   Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
   Stéphane.
  
 -------------------------------------------------
 Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
 Because he's a cunt.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : PLEASE SUPPORT B3TA PATREON
   This is all funded by you. Please chuck money
   in so we can do stupid newsletter and run
   stupid web projects instead of doing a proper
   job.
 https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

   next issue »
   « previous issue
   Newsletter
   We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net.

   _____________________ [ go ]
   --------------------
   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
   --------------------

   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

   READ LATEST ISSUE
   archive