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   NEWSLETTER: "READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"
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 "READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"
 This Week:
 * JESUS IS A TORY -And we interviewed him
 * HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME? - Very, we imagine
 * IN PRIVATE EYE - For telling Murdoch to F. Off
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're typing
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   all of the web out
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     so we don't lose it"
 B3ta email 673 - 19 May 2017
 Read this issue via a internet bollock:
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue673
 Friend b3ta on Facebook - go on you bastards:
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
 -------------------------------------------------
 : HELLO AGAIN x3
   Week three in the unlikely B3ta newsletter
   relaunch and we've sold an ad (yes, really), and
   been horribly overambitious again - interviewing
   Jesus so we're late. Shit on a bollock. We want
   to be early. Anyway - on with the content
   people. It's CONTENT TIME , but first a word
   from our sponsor:
 -------------------------------------------------
 : KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
         Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
        
   It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
   the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
   is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
   your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
   KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
 https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live
   Really - who would believe it? Back three weeks
   and we've sold an ad. Actually one that's
   relevant to B3ta readers. KNIGHTMARE LIVE FFS!
   How good is that? Some some fucking tickets ok?
  
 -------------------------------------------------
 : OFFICAL B3TA INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
   OK, 'Tory' Jesus
   Yep. Always bringing your exclusives we're got
   an interview with Jesus. Yes, Jesus has risen
   again and he's come back as a Tory, the fucking
   Tory arsehole.
  
   Make sure you read this - Tory Jesus is fucking
   brilliant.
 http://b3ta.com/blog/tory-jesus-twitter-account/
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING RECENTLY
   Amazing stuff - truly wonderful things
   * THE NAKED GUN RANDOM INTRO SEQUENCE GENERATOR
   - Monkeon has made a brilliant thing that plays
   random gifs in the style of the Naked Gun intro.
   Turn up the sound.
 http://www.monkeon.co.uk/nakedgun/
   * COMPUTER FUN - a great little visual gag from
   drivelsieve. Utterly charming.
 http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_fun
   * HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME - actually a worky
   project from Matt Round but we're bunging it in
   coz it's very UsVsTh3m - the particular viral
   mechanism of encouraging people to look up their
   own name. We recommend looking up Donald.
 https://www.gotocourt.com.au/how-criminal-is-your-...
   * SAYING GOOD BYE TO DAD - Ornsack's dad sadly
   passed away last year and he was best known for
   making the well-loved kids' TV show Trapdoor.
   Ornsack writes, "My dad passed away last March
   whilst making an animated series in his spare
   time. I've been desperately trying to finish it
   for him alongside a few of his mates. We are
   nearly done! Aiming for a March release on
   trusty-ol' YouTube. In the mean time local BBC
   News interviewed me about it over Christmas.
   YEAH I SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS EARLIER. Never
   mind."
 http://b3ta.com/links/Finishing_My_Dads_Work
   * SHED OF THE YEAR 2007 - the project unclewilco
   launched on B3ta back in 2007 is going great
   guns and now is a TV show and subject og a huge
   Guardian feature. Amazing work old chap.
 https://goo.gl/4qapS7
   * HELP BUILD A FURTIVE BEAR - b3tas are working
   together to build a Furtive Bear using a
   collaborative pixel app. Currently there's huge
   cock on it. Yay.
 http://pixelcanvas.io/@389,1748
 -------------------------------------------------
 : GETTING INTO PRIVATE EYE BY TELLING RUPERT
   MURDOCH TO "FUCK OFF"
   Very pleased to get this press clipping from
   Private Eye about this very newsletter's editor,
   who was simply amusing himself one day on
   Twitter and managed to get the message "Fuck off
   Murdock" into The Sun online newspaper.
 https://goo.gl/MlqG7w
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SIX PEOPLE WHO DID DIE IN THE MIDDLE-AGES
   @DeathMedieval is a superb Twitter bot that
   posts "real deaths from medieval coroners' rolls"
  
   Here's a handful of our absolute favs: 
   * A dead man, found in 1362 by John Atfield, who
   had not been wounded, but "somewhat lacerated by
   dogs."
   * Bertram Polet, found dead in 1271, assumed to
   have been slain by "evil-doers."
   * Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet
   slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart,
   which did penetrate into his fundament
   (buttocks)
   * Henry, son of Nicholas le Clerk, died at age
   14 in 1432, dragged to death by a horse which
   had been startled by a bird
   * Johanna, daughter of Bernard de Irlaunde, died
   in 1322, being mortally bitten by a sow while
   lying in her cradle. The sow valued at 13 1/2 d
   * John Clerk, stabbed in 1366 by by Adam Case
   with knife thirteen inches long after
   "opprobrious words" were exchanged in a field.
   Seriously. Shit the bed. You need to follow the
   fuck out of this.
 https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval
 -------------------------------------------------
 TWEET OF THE WEEK 1/5 - @sehnaoui
 "People next to me are loud and rude. They just
 found the perfect name for their new business. I
 just bought the domain name."
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SWEAR CLOCK UPDATE
 
   Last week we launched Swear Clock and we've
   noticed that simple direct swears often get the
   most engagement. But the baroque ones are my
   favs. So here's just five from what people are
   calling "that clock thing that swears"
   * Shit Jesus's Bed And Wank On A Bible It's
     10:30AM
    
   * Spunk On A Cottage Pie It's 10:30AM
  
   * Fuck An Owl And Blame Alan Shearer It's 11:30AM
  
   * Touch Rob Brydon's Anus With A Porcelain Dog
     Collection It's 11:30AM
    
   * Spunk On A Blankety Blank Chequebook And Pen
     It's 11:30PM
   We're also pleased to see an article in The
   Metro.
 https://goo.gl/yMxBky
   Also got a lovely mention from from Nick Doody
   on BBC Radio 4's "That Was the Tweet That Was"
 http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08q60r5
   Getting media attention is a surprise as
   although we obviously want our projects to be
   popular and get talked about, Swear Clock really
   is fucking rude. Not just fucks and cunts, but
   random and surreal abuse of celebrity's genitals
   with mundane objects. On half past the hour -
   every hour. Fuck yeah.
 http://twitter.com/swearclock
 -------------------------------------------------
 TWEET OF THE WEEK 2/5 - @PetFran48
 "It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a
 Tory in possession of a fortune must be in need of
 some more"
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THREE BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
   All the good stuff from /board
   * A STAR TREK NOSTALGIC CLASSIC - (Mofaha)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11226508
   * KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11226082
   * TORY MALWARE - (Artist: HSDriver)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11226131
 -------------------------------------------------
 : VIDEO SCHMIDEO
   Like TV but even shittier
  
   * THIS "STRONG AND STABLE" DAFT PUNK REMIX IS
   FUCKING MARVELLOUS
 http://b3ta.com/links/1439250
   * THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ELECTRONIC MUSIC PIONEER
   DELIA DERBYSHIRE IS ALSO FUCKING MARVELLOUS
 http://b3ta.com/links/1439405
   * NEWSREADERS IN THE PUB IS A PRETTY GOOD SKETCH
 http://b3ta.com/links/1440187
   Right. That's enough video. If you want loads
   of video go to the popular bit of /links. Loads
   of fucking video there sunshine.
 http://b3ta.com/links/popular/
 -------------------------------------------------
 TWEET OF THE WEEK 3/3 - @somecleverthing
 "Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to
 Dying Alone"
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS
   We ballsed up the link to Mushybees t-shirt last
   week shop - so here's the correct one.
   We recommend classics like "don't vote Tory" and
   "Piers Morgan is a bell end"
 https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/mushybeestees
 -------------------------------------------------
 : THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
   Yes, you can star in this newsletter
  
   * COOKING WITH SPECTRUMS - There's a niche but
   potentially funny YouTube video idea in this.
   Set up your ZX in kitchen and try and cook along
 https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/864904222...
   * KICKSTOPPER - donate to prevent tedious
   journalists posting their terrible takes
  
 -------------------------------------------------
 TWEET OF THE WEEK 4/5 - @dotmund
 "Iggy Pop was 70 this year. I know this because of
 the song 1969, in which he states that he was 21
 the previous year"
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SLOGANS MANGLED BY MAY
   In the week where Theresa May actually said
   "what it is says on the tin is what they will
   get" we were amusing to see people making their own
   #slogansmangledbymay
   * "In order to return the freshness, we must not
   only do the vacuuming, but also shake." -
 
   * "Iron Brew, Made in The North from Bollards" -
  
   * "My friend Marmite" -
   * "They're tasty, and tasty *means* tasty." -
  
   * "Go to work after eating an egg" -
   * "Enjoy a rest with your Kit Kat" -
 
    Suggestions from @petetavna, @Okeating,
    @DanielMudford, @mrwriterman79,
    @GeeItSomeLaldy, @JoeScaramanga.
 -------------------------------------------------
 TWEET OF THE WEEK 5/5 - @ZoeTomalin
 "Getting BBC news alerts at the moment is like
 being in a Whatsapp group with Satan"
 -------------------------------------------------
 : IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Make Corbyn Electable
   Here's the best images from last week:
   * "HE'S JEREMY, JEREMY, JEREMY RIMMER, WITHOUT
   HIM LIFE WOULD BE MUCH GRIMMER....." ETC. -
   (Barbarossa)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11225810
   * KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11226082
   * "I'M FREE!" - (Q4nobody)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11225770
   * See all the other images from the 'Make Corbyn
   Electable' challenge:
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable
   >> This week: After TV <<
   What jobs do fictional tv characters do after
   their shows have finished? Show us with the
   power of computational image manipulation what
   line of work Yogi bear went in to, how Captain
   Picard funds his continuing space trips and how
   The Fonz pays his leather jacket and RSI thumb
   surgery bills.
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/aftertv
 -------------------------------------------------
   * FINALLY A GOOD USE FOR FACEAPP - This guy
   going around a museum and using FaceApp to add
   smiles to classical art is such a good idea.
   Would be lovely to try this in a UK gallery too.
 https://goo.gl/LruamB
 -------------------------------------------------
 : REJECTED (BUT GOOD NEWSLETTER TITLES)
   Fuck it, it's good content brad
   * ENTERING YOUR INBOX LIKE A SEX-STARVED JULIAN
   ASSANGE (TRIBS)
   * FUCK ME OVER A BARREL IT'S HALF PAST
   NEWSLETTER O'CLOCK (BARBAROSSA)
   * JULIAN ASSANGE SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR THE
   CRIME OF DRESSING A CAT IN A SHIRT AND TIE
   (SMALLBRAINFIELD)
   * WE'RE STILL BACK AND TORIES ARE STILL CUNTS
   (MANIC)
   * NO NEWSLETTER IN HISTORY HAS BEEN TREATED
   WORSE THAN THIS (ARNIIE)
   * ANOTHER B3TA NEWSLETTER. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
   MAKING THESE UNTIL YOU SEND US ENOUGH BITCOINS
   (ENCELADUS)
   * THE OFFICIAL 2017 PROCRASTINATION MANIFESTO
   (@TWEETSBYJT)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11226621
 -------------------------------------------------
 : EVERY SINGLE THING MARK E SMITH HATES
   According a wonderful 1987 magazine feature
  
   * Brown bread with bits in it
   * All Sunday papers
   * Mature guys with ponytails
   * Scotch pop groups featuring pseudo intellectuals
   * The Cure's one record
   * All Welsh groups
   * All new American groups
   * All Dutch groups
   * Anything connected with New Model Army
   * Chablis wine V
   * Vietnam War
   * Iran/Iraq War
   * Mexican food
   * Berlin
   * Leeds
   * American football
   * Mike Smith
   * Nescafe
   * All fruit juice
   * Boddie and Waddle
   * Embassy No 1
   * Marlboro 100's
   * Royal Air Force
   * Eddie Murphy
   * British science fiction
   * Stephen King
   * All new American and British cartoons
   * British Electricity
   * France (permanent)
   * Martin Amis
   * Pop stars in new silver cars
   * Rock on television
   * Plastic grebos in Doctor Martens boots. (You'd
   never get a real biker to wear them.)
 https://twitter.com/20thcenturymarc/status/8637706...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
         Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
        
   It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
   the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
   is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
   your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
   KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
 https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live
   Yes we've repeated the ad at the bottom. It's
   called trying to play nice with the people who
   waved money at us. It's a good idea.
 -------------------------------------------------
 : CREDIT
   Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
  
   Newsletter title by Mighty Nibus.
 -------------------------------------------------
 Follow b3ta on Twitter:
 https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
   TOP TIP: SAVE TIME! - The next time somebody
   asks you what the time is just walk past them.
   I've calculated that If I had done this since
   the age of 20 I would have saved myself a whole
   5 days. Also works for directions and requests
   for assistance. I'm a shit policeman I really
   am. (Woolworth)
   Add your own 'top tip' at:
 http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

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