we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE STILL NOT DEAD. FOR THE SECOND WEEK RUNNING" next issue » « previous issue "It's a B3ta Newsletter!" This Week: * VID - Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things * CHAT - with ace film director Ben Wheatley * APOCALYPSE - Your Letters of Last Resort ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving ___/ _ |/_ > Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things << Dogfood has a made a totally nuts video that's clearly parodying the viral videos - oh just watch it, it's insane and will make your brain hurt. http://b3ta.com/links/1437525 >> Have a Look << Chipping Sodbury writes, "Here's a compilation of recent animated bits and pieces." This fucking rocks and the quick turnaround of jokes will keep you entertained. If only all comedy was this pacey. http://b3ta.com/links/1436473 >> Weird but good felted-art creations << Pagetty Pol writes, "I've made needle felted version of my illustrations." https://edclews.com/blog/needle-felted-animal-illu... ------------------------------------------------- : 'XYLOPHONE BUGGERY' VS A THESAURUS RANDOMISER * Harpsichord penis fencing * Pennywhistle anal sex * Saxophone penis fencing * Zither incest * Clarinet felching Yes. This is really how we spend our time. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA PROJECTS FROM THE SILENCE Great stuff you missed because no newsletter Ok we were silent for 18 months but the b3tans didn't stop creating so here's just two of the best things they did. (There's loads more but it would be nuts to list about 145 things in one go.) * WHAT LETTER WOULD YOU WRITE TO SUBMARINE CAPTAINS ONLY TO BE READ IF UK WIPED OUT? Matt Round writes "Apocalyptic nuclear dread is the latest '80s thing to be back in fashion, so I thought I'd add to the misery. And it's a weird little secret thing, Theresa May might've drawn a picture of a My Little Pony in hers for all we know." This is so good and Matt Round is a fucking genius. Fact. https://mattround.com/letters-of-last-resort/ * DONALD TRUMP AS MR MEN. This from S4RK is so good we read it to the official B3ta children. Not even joking. They loved it. http://www.b3ta.com/board/11219672 ------------------------------------------------- If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now. @jelenawoehr ------------------------------------------------- : IMAGE CHALLENGE: Make Corbyn Electable Seeing as the The Labour Party can't do it we've decided to get B3tans to help Jeremy Corbyn win the election. It's in the bag now. The professionals are here. Do your best B3tans - your country depends on you. http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable/popular/ ------------------------------------------------- : BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS But the fuck out of them NOW. B3ta veteran Mushybees has been making t-shirts and they are superb - she's making about 9 a day and screen printing them by hand. You can see the designs on the Esty page: Designs include "vegan killjoy" and "fuck this shit": https://www.etsy.com/people/beesesteeses In the interests of full disclosure we're partly running this to get a free t-shirt ourselves - she said she'd make us a "xylophone buggery" one, a Buffy's Swearing T-shirt if you will. She's well, thanks for asking - we went off to see a comedy show with her the other day, still the same old lovely pillock. ------------------------------------------------- : AFFILIATED LINK Phone battery case - yes really Our phone battery has gone up the shit-nozzle and only lasts a few hours but we've found we can get a full day out of it again by using a case with a built-in battery. "But," you might say "that'll make it heavier". You are right but it works and it's easier than getting it fixed. Shit solutions are us. https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01L1C1Z... ------------------------------------------------- Why did the Chuckle Brothers join British Gas? To meter you. @sam_bambs ------------------------------------------------- : DELETED WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES WITH 'FREAKY' TITLES All true * Amazing face on rock that looks like hitler * An article that contains nothing but a full stop * An old dude who lives in Central America * Being saddled with a bad husband * BEWARE THE GREEN MONKEY * Bring your Pez dispenser to work day * Diarrhea of a genius * Donald Trump (planet) * Do you stock battletoads * Geography of pigs * Honey, We Disemboweled Grandma * List of bands beginning with the word "lemon" Many more here. Oh so many. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Deleted_ar... ------------------------------------------------- : HOW TO TALK COMEDY WRITER A lexicon of words comedy writers make up to Help their craft * "STRAIGHT REVERSAL" - A joke construction that's very useful in topical comedy, where the premise of the gag is more or less a comical inversion of a real news story. So, after the day when the big topic was the doctor who was dragged off a United Airlines flight, Daftynews.com ran the spoof headline 'Outcry as shocking scenes emerge of passenger being dragged onto Ryanair flight'. * "NOT THIS BUT" - When you suggest something obvious, crap, or half-formed, hoping that it'll get the idea ball rolling and lead to something better. * "ZAMMO" – a pop culture reference gag that works in the writers' room but plays to painful silence in front of a more youthful audience. This comes from Charlie Brooker. On 10 O'Clock Live, a joke was written which mentioned 'Zammo' at the laugh point. It went down well with the team, but Charlie delivered it to utter silence on live TV. Nobody knew who the fuck Zammo was. This and many more from Adny Riley - he who wrote Bunny Suicides - on the best blog post we've read in years. Needs to be a book, radio show and talk. So good. http://misterandyriley.com/2017/03/31/how-to-talk-... ------------------------------------------------- Welcome to clickbait club. You're not going to believe the first rule. @Nickkay180 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BEEF Yes, linky bollocks for your clicky-lols * The sign abusers are back again in Kettering https://twitter.com/Dan_Lee85/status/8627373689771... * So "Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the House?" is an actual book!? https://twitter.com/peterc/status/8627560797757440... * Are You "Pro Nuclear Holocaust and Freedom to Masturbate in Public"? Herd of Chickens writes, "but feel that there isn't a political party that represents you? Of course you are, you are on B3TA. Requires some time travel to vote." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_West_Surrey_by... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but even shittier * With Eurovision upon us we're reminded of this terrible, insane, brilliant entry from 2012 about "social media". Yes they didn't want to say Twitter or Facebook and ended up with this awkward mess. Glorious. https://www.youtube.com/watch * A whole music video and tune made in 265 bytes on a C64. Unbelievable. https://linusakesson.net/scene/a-mind-is-born/ * BOB MORTIMER MAKES UP FUNNY SONG FOR TWITTER Bootsthealchemist writes, "Bob Mortimer kicking it large on Twitter." https://twitter.com/RealBobMortimer/status/8608746... * 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY - THE ANIMATED SERIES - From the files of Mr Biffo's Found Footage comes the long-lost pilot episode of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey - The Animated Series. https://www.youtube.com/watch * Concorde's Takeoff Inside the Cockpit: http://b3ta.com/links/1438116 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Best Childhood Memories OK - we'll experiment with bringing the QOTW back shall we? No promises it won't be shit. Let's give it a go. "I once sent a painting into Why Don't You." says B3ta veteran Chickenlady. "They didn't show it on the tv programme, or mention me at all, but I got a nice letter back from them. That made 5 year old me very happy." http://b3ta.com/questions/BestChildhoodMemories ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE * IMPROVE TWITTER - Write code that retweets A viral tweet AND mutes the conversation in one click. Retire a millionaire. * MAKE A VIDEO CLICKY PEN VIDEO - We just found a song your newsletter team of Rob & Dave wrote in 2009. Called "Clicky Pen.". It's about having a clicky pen. We always meant to do a video for it but then forgot. Maybe you can be arsed? Maybe you can't, but it would make an old newsletter team very happy. https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/8619135696124... ------------------------------------------------- : FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES * B3tan Dr Dunno is up for an award for a magazine cover he designed - he who did the brilliant Sgt Pepper 2016 death tapestry writes, "You can vote every day on multiple devices and browsers. I don't stand a chance because of this. Can you imagine how many keyboard warriors Empire or Pro Cycling will have voting every day? Silly idea, public vote." Anyway vote for the European / Brexit / Please wait one. http://archive.ppa.co.uk/events/ppaawards2017/cove... * SHARDCORE'S BREXORCIST - 22nd May 2017 - Brighton. B3tans will remember Shardcore - he once cooked a pig's head and more recently he's made absolute shitloads of bots. And now? He's made a musical about Brexit. "The show is basically Alan Moore's fault - he told us to stop procrastinating and do Something - so we did this." https://www.brightonfringe.org/box-office/shows/vi... * WE ASKED FOR MPS WE STUPID NAMES - Gibberer writes, "In the US we had 'Lawmakers Fry, Moore, Bacon sponsor bill honoring pork producers' Also Welcome back! You were missed!" Thanks. We missed doing this shit too. ------------------------------------------------- : CREDIT Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevensons. ------------------------------------------------- Follow b3ta on Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: STRUGGLING TO BUY FAGS BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH?? - Take the tobacconist to the nearest bus stop, and when the bus arrives attempt to get on paying for a half fare ticket. While the bus driver and tobacconist argue over how old you are, go back to the shop and steal the desired cigarettes. (HairyBaldy, 11 votes) Add your own 'top tip' at: http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive