we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND ROYALTY FREE IMAGES OF THE QUEEN" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FUNNY STORIES - your faves * ANIMATRONIC - nose-penis rap * PTSD - with original 70s-era Action Man ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Did we ever get round ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than celebrating being closer to death >> Anarchy in the FB << Puntastic nonsense from Merkinhead: Facebook "sings" the Sex Pistols. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anarchy_in_the_Fb >> The Knitwit Show << Pi Bennett has animated some wool into quite the collection of short comedy sketches. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Knitwit_Show_in_a_sh... >> He-Man in his twilight years << Fray Brentos writes, "A few years back, I posted up a couple of cartoons that I'd written with a friend and given to Lee Healey (him off of Viz's fantastic Drunken Bakers) to draw. He took his bloody time, I can tell you. Asked him for 3 cartoons, it took him 4 years to finish." It was worth the wait. http://www.b3ta.com/links/He_Man_In_His_Twilight_Y... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Funny Stories Last week we wanted your favourite funny anecdotes. Perhaps we were asking for this; the winners' tales are amazing, but far too long to do justice in the newsletter. Instead you can find them at: http://b3ta.com/questions/fuhkneestorees/ Here's a selection of our favourites: * DEDICATION - "I once shit myself when the computer game I was playing didn't have a pause button. I think I must have been about 13." (Baggenfock) * SHOE - "When I was at primary school, an emergency assembly was called one day. The headmistress explained that a day shoe had been found in the urinals of the boys' lavatory. And inside this abandoned garment was...'A POO'. "Surely all that was needed to uncover the identity of this faecal terrorist was to inspect the feet of the assembled throng: find a one-shoed boy and you had your phantom crapper bang to rights. "But this is where the mystery deepened, for you see there was no mono-shod logger to be found. The perfect crime. To this day only our excremental Banksy himself knows his identity." (Richard mcbeef) * STRAWBERRIES - I ate a huge pile of fresh strawberries for tea. Cycling to work next morning I felt the need to pass wind. I stood up on the pedals a bit and discreetly let rip. However, instead of a ladylike fart I felt a sudden torrent of hot shit. "I decided to head back home, trusting that nobody had seen my performance. No such luck. A car followed me all the way home, where I found that the mess had shot right up my back, staining my fancy hi-viz cycling shirt a striking shade of brown. (Juan Quar) >> This Week – FESTIVALS II << Yes it's that time of year again and it's been a long while since we asked: regale us with your festival tales. http://b3ta.com/questions/festivalsII/ ------------------------------------------------ : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the '25x25' challenge Last week B3tard Smash Monkey offered to knit a blanket of any design up to 25 by 25 woolly squares. Your favourite results included: * Bridge: Classic photoshoppery soon to be seen in wool. (Blobcat) http://b3ta.com/board/11157550 * Spectrum: You can almost hear the blanket loading. (monkeon) http://b3ta.com/board/11157359 * Quo: If only it came in denim . (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/11157351 All these images, and a load more can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/25x25/ >> New challenge: Wigs << This week we're tackling toupées and wrestling W(r)igs. Photoshop some funny head-hair; we'll even welcome comedy fake beards. http://b3ta.com/challenge/wigs/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * Fridge Henge - Good work, oh drunken druids of Kent, good work http://bit.ly/danger-of-being-crushed-by-a-dwarf * "Blue Mint Indian Restaurant & Brothel" - a handy combination. We accept this is probably not real but it amused us to find it on Google Maps. http://bit.ly/curry-first-sex-later-we-reckon * A colour vision test game. Despite this writer being red/green colour-blind, it rated us as "Superb. You wouldn't have any problems surviving in the jungle." So that's something to bear in mind if this newsletter business ever goes REALLY bad. http://wvw.igame.com/eye-test/ * These pin-sharp images of people in traffic jams in 1980s London time-machined us to our childhood. http://bit.ly/we-recognise-every-car * Plumber commissions rap to promote his business. Wonder if it works? This is certainly more Bristol-based plumbing content than we normally include. http://www.iansmithheatingengineers.co.uk/ * Best prank ever? In 1974, this chap set old tyres on fire in the crater of a dormant volcano. There's a fine line between 'the bants' and actual terrorism. http://bit.ly/this-is-probably-terrorism ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a 14" TV with a huge remote glued to base * DJ Anklepants and his animatronic nose penis is our new jam. (We couldn't sit through much of this, simply impressed that this is someone's actual act). https://www.youtube.com/watch * "The senior blower is back at his glory hole". We were only looking up how marbles are made. We certainly didn't expect this UTTER FILTH. https://youtu.be/1cXy7gxUtbU * Action Man: Battlefield Casualties - a dark take on PTSD in the Army presented with 1970s kids' toys. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Action_Man_Battlefield_C... * Running a half-marathon in Tennessee? What you need is some genteel encouragement from the spectators - Deliverance-style. http://bit.ly/commitment-to-a-joke * Weird How To video about a fish. We wanted to dislike it then found ourselves sucked in. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Bit * Cat takes unexpected trip on light airplane. Made us anxious: so you don't suffer our anxiety [SPOLIERS] it all ends fine. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_stowaway ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Estate agent anti-lols So your name is Alan Sadick - we've checked and 'sadick' really IS a surname. All well and good until you register your name as a URL: http://www.alansadick.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : 21ST CENTURY INSULT Your content is both original and viral, but your original content is not viral and your viral content is not original. ------------------------------------------------- Friends: [email protected] Bastards: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @iaintait, PhosphorBurnedEyes, Tusk, wakeupandsmellthebacon, jingle_man, disconnected, notoolsovernight & @ImVincentMurphy. Topus-tipus via baying cyber-mob ------------------------------------------------- Friend b3ta on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/b3tan ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Moths: There's PLENTY of light about during the day if you could be arsed to get up earlier, you lazy fucks. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive