we love the web
    
   email us
   go to messageboard newsletter archive home
   NEWSLETTER: IF YOU DO ONE THING THIS WEEK, SCROLL TO THE RUDE FOOD STORY
   next issue »
   « previous issue

 "If you do one thing this week, scroll to the rude food story"
 This Week:
 * MUSIC SEQUELS - Superb image challenge, yay!
 * BEST DURAN DURAN ARTICLE EVER - Nerds rejoice!
 * TWIX OF DOOM - Question of the week GOLD!
 -------------------------------------------------
 ________  ____ __  ___
 ____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the wap    
 ___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   ... together"
 __/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  
 B3ta email 657 - 27 March 2015
 A permalink, do people still call them that?
 http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue657
 Friend b3ta on Facebook:
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
 -------------------------------------------------
 : BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
   It's not a swindle, stick them on your Kindle
   * SO YOU'VE BEEN PUBLICLY SHAMED (JON RONSON) -
    a timely read from Ronson largely about
   Twitter hate mobs being rather toxic.
 http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00NLFVN8...
   * HATERZ (JAMES GOSS) - almost the flip-side to
   Ronson's book, this is a fictional account of a
   serial killer getting rid of all the people who
   he hates on social media. We found some of the
   targets worryingly close to home.
 http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/178108301...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
   Other than the normal excellent photoshops
   * MATING TORTOISES - THE TRANSLATION - Slurpy J
   doing his normal (and good) trick of whacking
   his own voice over on top of whatever video is
   popular this week. It's a good shtick.
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/1288510
   * SLIGHTLY BAFFLING B3TA PARODY - we've always
   claimed that 'in-jokes are never frontpaged'
   but, despite not really knowing the context of
   this beyond seeing a few boarders shout
   FUCKLIFT a bit, we found the whole thing rather
   amusing.
 http://www.fucklift.co.uk/
   * CRAPLY AMUSING POLITICAL MOTION-TRACKING -
   dooranran claims, "My first attempt with motion
   tracking didn't go as well as I would've liked."
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/PPB_Conservatives
 -------------------------------------------------
 FOLLOW B3TA ON FACEBOOK
 We've finally got round to adding a Facebook
 page, and we're making a proper effort to make
 the B3tan feed good and interesting by sticking
 classic photoshops and breaking news on it.
  
 It's good, you should like it.
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan 
 -------------------------------------------------
 : QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
   Food sex: 'Twix of Doom'
   Each week we scour our archives for a
   particularly fine story, this week? 'Twix of
   Doom' from the question, 'Rude Food'.
   My first girlfriend and I were together for
   about two and a half years. A few weeks before
   we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
   in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
   auntie's boss.
   We had a nice time there, wandering around the
   priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in
   a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was
   on the horizon.
   'Would you eat something out of me?' she asked
   one evening. I confess I was rather bewildered
   and wondered what she could mean: A banana?
   Some chocolate? A pie?
   I suggested these things and she decided
   that a Twix would be a good idea.
   The next morning we walked to the local Spar
   shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her
   to choose her Twix.
   As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested
   that we should maybe put it into the freezer
   for a while so that it wouldn't melt in a flash
   (amongst other things) and she agreed.
   'I'm ready,' she said late that evening. She
   went upstairs before me while I retrieved the
   Twix from the freezer, following in her
   footsteps moments later. When I reached the
   bedroom she had already undressed and was lying
   on the bed, her legs apart.
   For a moment I wondered how I was going to do
   this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper
   or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one
   finger in or both of them? I didn't want to ask
   as I felt this would just make her nervous and
   would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl
   as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
   penetrated by a chocolate bar.
   I decided to insert a single finger and opened
   the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the
   chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen
   of condensation having been in the freezer all
   day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my
   thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I
   tested it.
   'This is going to be cold,' I warned before
   introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
   inside and I left about an inch of it sticking
   out. For a moment I looked at the rather
   ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me,
   before bending down and biting off about half of
   the exposed finger of Twix.
   Without warning the whole thing vanished inside
   her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
   wondering what I should do.
   I didn't think it would be The Done Thing to
   prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a
   bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I
   just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a
   moment.
   And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze
   from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin
   the sheets – which, after all, were not ours –
   I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught
   the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my
   hand quickly filled and I was then forced to
   consider what I was going to do with a hand
   full of rather hot melted Twix as I could
   hardly say 'just crimp yourself off, love – I
   need to go and wash my hand,' so screwing my
   eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my
   other one was slowly filling.
   Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any
   worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely,
   eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and
   caramel, like an albino penis.
   I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate,
   quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary
   genital deluge to stop.
   I don't think I've eaten a Twix since.
   (nasalhair)
 http://www.b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/post497151
 -------------------------------------------------
 : SITES IN BRIEF
   Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
   * FOR OUR 48 READERS WHO LIKE DURAN DURAN -
   this is an absolute treat, a long-form article
   discussing both the Arcadia and Power Station
   splinter projects. This is the niche, deep and
   fascinating journalism that we want to read.
   Excellent work from Simon Price, and we really
   hope he expands it into a book.
 http://goo.gl/aYKBg2
   * DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SHOCK-SITE KILLER? We
   were casually wikipediaing about the internet
   of the past, where people shared awful stuff.
   Wound up stumbling into this rabbit warren of a
   story about about Luka Magnotta who killed his
   roommate and uploaded the footage to a shock
   site.
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luka_Magnotta
   * THE CONNOISSEUR OF GIFS - magical, odd GIFs
   with some bloke standing in front of them. We
   don't know; it's what the kids like these days.
   Maybe.
 http://thegifconnoisseur.tumblr.com/
   * MEERKATROULETTE - media twerps have been
   excited recently with both Meerkat and
   Periscope, competing technologies that allow
   you to live broadcast video from your phone.
   This site shows you random feeds.
 http://meerkatroulette.com/
   * LIFE IN THE US INFANTRY - long, depressing
   reddit post from a foot soldier in the American
   Army.
   "You grew up wanting so bad to be Luke
   Skywalker, but you realize that you were
   basically a Stormtrooper, a faceless, nameless
   rifleman, carrying a spear for empire."
 http://goo.gl/Ut1i1f
   * SONIC PI - here's something to download and
   install for music and programming geeks - we've
   lost a good few evenings to this brilliant way
   of using code to create music. Available for
   OSX, Windows & Raspberry Pi.
 http://sonic-pi.net/
 ------------------------------------------------
 : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
   Results from the 'Music Sequels' challenge
   Last week we asked to give the movie sequel
   treatment to songs and albums.
 
   Your favourites included:
   * Wish 2: Hot stuff from the Floyd
   (Akinkawan)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11141298
   * Crossing: Back from the shops off
   Abbey Road  (Barbarossa)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11140859
 
   * Topicalol: Bonnie Tyler couldn’t
   predict the weather (Fresh Water Mole)
 http://b3ta.com/board/11141122
  
   All these images, and a load more can be
  found here:
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicsequels/
    >> New challenge: XFiles <<
   The X-Files is coming back so we’re having a
   week of Mulder, Scully, the paranormal and
   nutjob conspiracy theories.
   How will the show fit in to our technological
   age? Will Deep Throat contact them via the Dark
   Net and will GoPro cameras finally put an end
   to grainy alien footage?
 http://b3ta.com/challenge/xfiles/
 -------------------------------------------------
 FOLLOW @B3TA ON TWITTER
 Seeing as we did the big sell for b3ta's Facebook
 account earlier, it would be rude not to mention
 our Twitter account.
 Mostly we use it for posting the front page
 images on the site and also links to this very
 newsletter.
 https://twitter.com/b3ta
 -------------------------------------------------
 : VIDEO SCHMIDEO
   Like Vimeo but owned by Google instead
   * TOP GEAR - It's only the last episode where
   Jeremy Clarkson confesses all -  - created by
   the genius that is Jon Harvey.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * TUG OF 'OAR' ANYONE? - Clever idea for a new
   competitive sport.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch
   * GHOSTBUSTERS! Now without music to create a
   work of sinister genius.
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ghostbusters_without_the... …
   * "SPANG!" - that's the noise you might make on
   seeing this.
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/spang:8
   * NOTIFICATION TROLLING - We would do this so
   much, if we had the skills.
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/Notification_Trolling
 -------------------------------------------------
 : FUNNY NAME CORNER
   Chocolate gone very wrong
   "Opened this, thought of b3ta," observes mike
   woz ere. Lucky fella.
 http://www.b3ta.com/links/Opened_this_Thought_of_b...
 -------------------------------------------------
 : OLD B3TONIANS
   News from the b3ta alumni
   * Old B3tonian @mikeisbrill writes well
   about Tinder:
 http://goo.gl/BybEs8
   * Cassetteboy uses The Guardian to criticise
   the Lib Dems' lamentable mash-up skills:
 http://goo.gl/Yqh39A
   "We thought we'd better show Nick Clegg how
   it's done, so we've made a new political rap,"
   adds Cassetteboy Mike.
 https://youtu.be/vbLGG5UGEKw
 -------------------------------------------------
  Conan (1982): [email protected]
 Conan (2011): [email protected]
 -------------------------------------------------
   THANKS:
   This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
   Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Cragget,
   MaxineBasset, smaggers and tits.
   Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
   Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
   Tip by robneymcplum.
  
 -------------------------------------------------
 Friend b3ta on Facebook:
 https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
 -------------------------------------------------
   TOP TIP:
   Enjoy a perfect solar eclipse by closing your
   fridge door really slowly.

   next issue »
   « previous issue
   Newsletter
   We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net.

   _____________________ [ go ]
   --------------------
   THIS WEEKS HEADLINES
   --------------------

   * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS
   * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES
   * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS

   READ LATEST ISSUE
   archive