we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: LATEST NASA PROBE FINDS MARS IS SMALLER THAN IT WAS IN THE 70S next issue » « previous issue This Week: * REVOLUTION - by crows * CHRIS MORRIS - three hours of genius * ALIEN - movie typography nerdfest ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our penis ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK >> UKIP Christmas Dinner Argument Simulator << Jimbobabu writes, "Get some practice in now for that festive political dust-up with the folks in this choose-your-own adventure game." http://ukipchristmas.wordpress.com/ >> Crow Revolution << Eddache writes, "The birds are revolting!" This is great; very Monty Python and possibly a comment on Russell Brand's slightly vague ideas of social transformation. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crow_Revolution >> Terminator Emusis << HappyToast writes, "I made this, I have no idea why :D" Nor do we, Happy Toast, but we're glad you did. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terminator_Emusis_I_have... ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M The other 'b3ta-ish' project * 24 EXPERIENCES OF LOSING WEIGHT - your Ginger Fuhrer has written a thingie about losing weight (then gaining it again - the fat fuck) http://goo.gl/0OFST4 * ARE YOU DOWN WITH THE KIDS? - 12 questions that rate whether you're up to date. http://games.usvsth3m.com/down-with-the-kids/ * HOW MIDDLE CLASS ARE YOU? - Our 100% scientifically-accurate test will find out how middle-class you are, and then tell you which British sitcom character you're like. http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-middle-class-are-you... ------------------------------------------------- Follow @b3ta on Twitter because you're worth it. https://twitter.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Horrible Hotels Last week we asked for more stories of your stays in terrible hotels. Go read notoolsovernight's description of a terrifying French hotel that all the hip kids will be staying in next week: http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels2 * UNDERCOVER STUDENT - "Mid 70s. Working as a bellhop in the Hotel Drake Wilshire in downtown San Francisco. Dressed as an organ grinder's monkey, schlepping a couple of cases downstairs for a couple. "Standing in the lift: They are chattering away in machine-gun Russian. I am zoning out staring at the brassworks around the floor numbers. At the lobby, I hold the door open for them. They say 'Thank you' in moderately-accented English. I give them a polite you're welcome / 'Pazhaloosta' in reply. "The woman step around and presses the Close Door button and then hits Stop. The guy, chattering excitedly pushes me up against the far wall without really touching me; asking how much I spoke, where I learned it, etc, etc... What the unholy fuck they were talking about, I had no idea; desperately telling them that I got the sum total of my Rooski from the movie Patton, that I was a student, this was a temp job, I wasn't a CIA operative, and certainly not stupid enough to blow my cover if I WAS. Took several minutes before they let me out. Scared me no end." (shamblinthru) * HARLOW, LAND OF MY DREAMS - After the wheels came off, I was temporarily housed in the Oasis Harlow. About 1 in the morning, I can hear some woman walking round knocking at people's doors, screaming 'I need some fackin foil, I know you ave, gimme sam fackin foil.' Someone shouted 'use a fackin' spoon' "After a disturbingly long period of absolute quiet, she pipes up "Spoon! I need a fackin spoon, I know you've got some..." For your amusement, go to tripadvisor and look up the reviews of the Oasis Harlow." (woff) * TENBY - "We 'won' a holiday in Tenby in mid November. Gale force winds & rain all weekend, nothing seemed to be open, and the only entertainment was provided by a television that we had to feed with £1 coins every 15 minutes." (twunt face) >> This Week - Home-Made Booze Hell << SpanishFly writes, "I have a 'make your own absinthe' kit here, fucking terrified of making it... Tell us your stories of when you got so drunk on homemade mead you pissed in the cupboard: http://b3ta.com/questions/homemadebooze/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * LONG ARTICLE ABOUT THE TYPOGRAPHY IN ALIEN - fascinating if you're a design nerd. http://typesetinthefuture.com/alien/ * FRAMLEY EXAMINER ADVENT CALENDAR - HappyToast writes, "The first window made me spit coffee everywhere." http://www.framley.com/advertcalendar/index.html * ARTIST LIVES IN CAVE FOR TEN YEARS - makes weird art that can be consumed as clickbait. Yay. http://www.boredpanda.com/cave-carving-ra-paulette... * THREE HOURS OF CHRIS MORRIS ON THE BBC - worship at his comedic genius. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04sp5pq * CHRIS ROCK TALKS ABOUT OFFENCE IN COMEDY - Fascinating interview with the legendary stand-up, where he particularly concentrates on what happens when a comedian offends people nowadays. http://goo.gl/Bk5DyF * DESCRIPTION OF EVERY VIZ CHARACTER - Thanks Wikipedia for this exhaustive listing of every single minor character ever to appear in the pages of Viz, with every joke carefully explained. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Viz_comic_... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Youtube Comment Reconstruction << As ever, excellent YouTube comments re-enacted by veteran British thesps in what looks like the Downton Abbey set. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1252424 >> How a quartz watch works << Bloke quickly and engagingly demonstrates why your digital watch is AMAZING and actually the foundation of the modern technological age. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_a_quartz_watch_works >> Super simple electric model train << This amazed and delighted us. make your own model train set with just some wire, magnets and a battery. *runs to the poundshop* http://www.b3ta.com/links/Super_simple_electric_mo... >> How to Remove Your Mustache << If you have a moustache... please don't try any of these. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_Remove_Your_Musta... >> CGI crowd dynamics << This is what happens when an endless crowd of people surges into a slowly-rotating metal bar. Oddly mesmerising, although we reckon *some* of them would get up again. http://www.b3ta.com/links/CGI_crowd_dynamics >> Bing Crosby Sings Death Metal << This, quite obviously, should have been titled 'Black Christmas'. Honestly, we're impressed by how effortless the great man makes it looks to growl and snarl. http://www.b3ta.com/links/1251993 ------------------------------------------------ : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Art Damage' challenge Last week we asked you to break or even fix famous pieces of art. Your favourites included: * Shalott: struck down by a ginger pussy (Rubber Dubya) http://b3ta.com/board/11117046 * MONDRIAN: Smashing art from (Barryheadwound) http://b3ta.com/board/11116053 * HOGAN: He’s back and he’s giving Brian Sewell a run for his money. (Ninj) http://b3ta.com/board/11116032 All these images, and a load more can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/artdamage/popular/ >> New challenge: Personal Christmas Cards < This week we're looking at the awful photo Christmas cards that politicians and other public figures send and then making our own. http://b3ta.com/challenge/peoplechristmascards/ ------------------------------------------------- Join: [email protected] Leave: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- Follow @b3ta on Twitter and win a sex with a sexy person. https://twitter.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrRoborobot, notoolsovernight, robneymcplum, CysticSpazzGland, Tab Hunter, Frogbeat, pissflaps, monkeon, PhosphorBurnedEyes, simbosan. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via CanonCaliber. Top tip via NoStrings. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Middle-aged men! Make people think that you've just been to the toilet, by using a cotton bud to dab a drop of water onto the front of your trousers. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive