we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: BLOODY IMMIGRANTS, COMING OVER HERE, TAKING OUR NOBEL PRIZES next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DANGER - world's worst streetview streets * PIZZA - in your frying pan??? * BLACK DOCTOR WHO - who's your fave? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still here. ___/ _ |/_ > Frying pan pizza << Colmcq2 has invented a new way to cook pizza from scratch - just using a frying pan. It's an extraordinary method, finally an alternative to pizza stones! Who would've thought such innovation was possible? You'll be seeing this on all the cookery shows - we bet a million quids. http://myfoodeeblog.com/2014/10/02/cheap-fast-pizz... >> Is Nigel Farage deliberately copying Kim Jong? << Iambob writes, "When I saw Nigel Farage gleefully riding a tank in the news today, I thought he looked like a crazy dictator. 'Is it a one-off?' I wondered. Just a co-incidence? A small amount of google image searching later, I am worried it is not..." BTW: if you vote UKIP please unsub from this newsletter. http://kimjongfarage.tumblr.com/ >> Breaking into a theme park << Plasticine-botherer Lee Hardcastle writes, "Slowly but surely, I'm talking baby steps into the world of 'live action' film making. This is my latest effort, funded by Thorpe Park." Give this man a BUDGET, ok? http://www.b3ta.com/links/breaking_into_a_theme_pa... >> Black Doctor Who << Peter Judge writes, "What if Doctor Who was black? With Doctor Who coming back and all that, I made an alternative reality list. Oh, and I got in Morgan Freeman." Reminds us of the wonderful Black Seinfeld sketch. http://judgecorp.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/what-if-do... ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M CORNER Recent stuff made by that other 'b3ta-ish' project * Homeopathic Battleship - Homeopathy tells us that things get more powerful at higher dilutions. Can you hit a battleship at the most powerful dilution of all? (made by b3ta's own Monkeon) http://games.usvsth3m.com/homeopathic-battleship/ * How Clean Is Your Screen? - Can you tell our real dirt from your fake dirt? (also made by Monkeon) http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-clean-is-your-screen... * What House Could You Buy In The Past? - Depress yourself by discovering how much easier your parents had it! (made by Tom Scott, cr3, Mushybees & Rob Manuel) http://games.usvsth3m.com/what-house-could-you-buy... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Real-Life Slapstick II Last week we asked for incidents of real-life slapstick you'd witnessed. Or simply made up for lols. http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick2/ * FUEL - "After motorcycle training, my test went without problem and I parked up with the others to watch the remaining candidates. One lass on a scooter was approaching a corner when she managed to fuck up royally: rather than slowing, she accidentally grabbed a large handful of throttle. "The bike shot forwards, hit a wall and somehow bounced in such a way that it actually drove UP the wall. It came to rest about 2m up, hanging from the ivy that covered the brickwork. The rider had been deposited on the ground below, perfectly placed to receive, full in the face, the stream of petrol now pouring out of the tank..." (moon monkey) * CROTCH -"Attempting to alight from an Edinburgh double decker bus with a couple of mates, I was the first to go down the stairs. "As soon as I let go of the rail the bus driver slammed on the brakes as a car pulled out without warning. This sent me flying up towards the front of the bus, head first RIGHT into the crotch of a young lady. "It's quite tricky to remain cool when you have your face wedged into an attractive girl's mimsy and a crowded bus is collectively laughing its tits off at you. 20 years later, it still gets brought up by my mates. Cunts." (Reverend Fister) * TURD - "I was walking with a friend up on the hill fort above Brighton, we decided to walk a little bit down an extremely steep hill to sit on the hillside and smoke a joint. "My mate took about three steps before sliding about three and a half metres on a massive dog turd. He was sliding on one foot, until said foot picked up momentum and travelled faster than his body, at which point it kicked up into the air above his head as he landed on his back. "Assuming he had landed in the turd he quickly rolled over onto his front, only to land face first directly into the turd...It was fucking hilarious." (Glovington) >> This Week - Nepotism << Ages ago Danishbacon suggested we ask about nepotism. As we weren't related, we ignored this. Tell us your worst examples, or admit to the time you employed your cousin and he totally fucked the job up: http://b3ta.com/questions/nepotism/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * SPOOKY SHIT THAT DOES THE LINK ROUNDS THIS TIME OF YEAR - zh84stephen suggests that you "make a creepy doll mobile for Halloween." http://www.epbot.com/2013/10/diy-creepy-doll-mobil... * SHIT ROADS - Chris recommends this "pretty cool website using Google's Street View technology to look at the most dangerous roads in the world." https://towncentrecarparks.com/dangerous-roads/ * READ-Y WORD THING - Robertvaliant writes, "I can't remember if it was B3ta that first linked me to the page where a guy had worked out the historical date of Ice Cube's 'good day' but thought about it today, googled it and found there was an update early this year. Not exactly topical but it's touching. In a good way. Not in a show-me-where-on-the-doll way." http://murkavenue.tumblr.com/post/74217853222/the-... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like TV but even shittier * AWKWARD AD FOR TRAVEL AGENCY - if we ever went on holiday, we'd deffo book here. https://www.youtube.com/watch * APOCALYPSE POOH - tubaman writes, "This remix appropriates famous fictional animals from Disney's animated version of Winnie the Pooh and recasts them as characters in Francis Ford Coppola's gritty Vietnam War drama Apocalypse Now. In the new narrative, the beloved Hundred Acre Wood is transformed into a horrific war zone in which Pooh, Piglet, and the rest of the gang struggle to keep their sanity." http://youtu.be/5jWGJ3pyLgs * GOOD WORK WITH THE PROMOTIONAL PLACEMENT, ASDA. BTW: Our fact of the week is that George Bush delayed the curing of diabetes by 8 years by banning stem cell research. https://vine.co/v/OmxBWU3FuxP * WEIRD, PISSING YOUTUBE PERVERT - this guy films himself peeing on the seat whilst giggling. https://www.youtube.com/user/yomamdagreat1/videos * STAR TREK BEHIND THE SCENES - remember the bald lady alien from the first Star trek movie? Here is some strangely emotional footage of her having her hair shaved off. She cries. https://www.youtube.com/watch * SEXY TIMES FOR ALL - Shazzoir writes, "Dear b3ta, ever wanted to protect your scrotum so badly you'd still wear your undies while having sex? Then this nifty, and informative, video complete with on-time rhymes is for YOU." The crappy animation and weirdness of product make this a double win. https://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Not funny but fuck it, it's #content The problem about funny names and cock-shaped logos is that some people do it deliberately, as a shit marketing ploy and that stops it being funny. For example: http://stocklogos.com/topic/dirty-bird-fried-chick... Loathsome. Fucking loathsome. ------------------------------------------------ : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 'Victorians' challenge Last week celebrated all things victorian, men in big hats, women in bigger skirts and family photos with the deceased. Your favourites included: * The War of the Stars: Georges Méliès classic space opera (Fresh Water Mole) http://b3ta.com/board/11103553 * Under the skirt: What lies beneath a victorian lady (Fresh Water Mole) http://b3ta.com/board/11103579 * Tunes: Wax battles on the wheels of mahogany (LP) http://b3ta.com/board/11104094 All these images, and a couple more can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/Victorians/ >> New challenge: Useless Machines << This week we want to see your fantastic inventions that do absolutely NOTHING. Challenge suggested by Drimble. http://b3ta.com/challenge/uselessmachines/ ------------------------------------------------- : EMAILS FROM THE US GOVERNMENT?! Trawling through email we found this: "Hi. The US Library of Congress is working on a project to archive websites that document digital/internet culture. We would like to contact you about the possibility of archiving b3ta. Could you write back to me with an email address that we can contact you at? Best, Trevor" Fuck - the spooks are onto us! http://blogs.loc.gov/folklife/2014/06/getting-seri... ------------------------------------------------- : EMAILS OF SUPPORT MISSING THE NEWSLETTER * Maryanndoherty writes, "My dear sirs: What the hell has happened to the newsletter? My psychological well-being is in serious jeopardy without my weekly fix. I, without doubt, will attribute the decline in work, social and personal productivity to the failure of your association in producing a newsletter since July 18. Really? July 18! "And you expect the populace to accept this without complaint or uprise? So many missed opportunities to mock your mates across the pond: importing ebola; White House invasions; other stuff...I want my b3ta back. Please. Pretty please." * Oingodeboingo writes, "You are the best thing on the internet and have been for years for me. Please please keep going. You inspire me. If you can't keep going, then thank you, thank you, and thank you. Thank you for what you've done for me. All the best and. All my love. " * Andy writes, "Howdy! Love you guys! What's happened to the weekly newsletter! I have nothing to read now when the baby wakes ME up at 6am on a Saturday!! :( Cheers Andy" * Rob writes, "Sup sup, I've never ever messaged you guys before but must have returned to your site at least once a month for the best part of ten years. I love it and I love the fact that you've never changed the UI." ------------------------------------------------- Follow @b3ta on Twitter and win jack shit: https://twitter.com/b3ta ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mubarak, @RubyJubilee, barryheadwound, john_s_francis Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Enzyme. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Bent iPhone? Try not to bend it, you clumsy twat. (eViLegion) next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive