we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: WHY NOT KILL SOMEONE WITH A TOBLERONE? THE PERFECT CRIME! next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TERRY WOGAN - versus GODZILLA * EUROSONG - Make your own * ACCURATE DAILY MAIL - headlines fixed ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving ___/ _ |/_ > Terry Wogan vs GODZILLA << "After a two year hiatus," cries Butters, and fresh for Eurovision, "B3ta's favourite cartoon porn superstar returns!" NSFW / Very NSFW depending on your workplace. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terry_Wogan_vs_GODZILLA >> "I Hear you're a racist now Clarkson" << "Video I did," winks quietly proud B3tan maiden. He's just misunderstood! http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_Hear_youre_a_racist_no... >> Urban foraging food odyssey << "This is a deranged, unhinged rant against budget food blogger Jack Munroe," confesses quietly ashamed B3tan colmcq2. "She writes about food and goes busking with billy bragg and I'M NOT ANGRY OR JEALOUS." http://myfoodeeblog.com/2014/05/07/cooking-with-ja... ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M Stuff! We made it! * Eurosong Generator! - Pick your performers, song and costumes to create your own entry! http://games.usvsth3m.com/eurosong/ * What Ridiculous Food Day Is Your Birthday - Which ludicrous food represents your life? http://games.usvsth3m.com/what-ridiculous-food-day... * The Hobbit Sequel Name Generator - Can you do a better job than Peter Jackson? http://goo.gl/2nHXMK ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Brits Abroad For both sides of the 'Brits overseas' experience, go read Wet-chinned bag shanker's tale of Cretan love, drinking and big, stiff rocks: http://b3ta.com/questions/britsabroad/ * PUB - "My first trip to Amsterdam. Having procured weed, we didn't want to sit in the silly stoners' cafe, but instead fancied a beer in a proper pub. We found a nice little bar and I went to get the round and ask if we could smoke in there. "'Depends,'" said the large barman, very cooly, rather stern. "'Er... hash?' I enquired. "'Yeah yeah,' he said levelly, 'Depends - where are you from?' "'Er... England...?' I said, slightly confused, 'London?' "'London!" he suddenly beamed. The tension was completely gone, replaced instead almost by low camp, "Of COURSE you can smoke here! You want some munchies? I'm so sorry - I thought you were from Liverpool!'" (Just a vagabond) * RAIN - "On the way back from Spain there was a couple who had quite clearly had a massive argument in the airport and when we were seated on the plane they were right behind us. "I could hear her huffing and puffing for the short flight, but they didn't speak to each other for almost the whole journey, until he (trying to break the ice as we landed) said 'Oh, look, rain drops on the window, must be raining in Bristol.' "To which she screamed at the top of her lungs 'OH REALLY? WELL, THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT TO ME, BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS SPERM!'" (bomb) * TEA - "Technically not 'abroad', technically 'the Lake District' but if you're a total rah who thinks anything outside Zone 1 is roughing it, you might as well be abroad. One summer when I was a child, we went for a long weekend in the lakes. "We were minding our own business in a teashop when this terribly posh woman wandered in. 'Ay say,' she said to the girl behind the counter, "Do you do cream teas?' "The girl blinked a bit, 'No,' she said after some careful thought, 'Only milk.' "The posh woman blinked back at her. It was hard to say which of them had puzzled the other more. 'Righty-ho,' she said faintly, and swished back out again." (rachelswipe) >> This Week - UFOs << Ever seen a UFO? Convinced of life on other planets? Are you David Icke? Go into really graphic details about anal probes here: http://b3ta.com/questions/ufos/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Accurate headlines for non-news stories << This is the Daily Mail rewritten to be upfront about its celebrity news content. https://imgur.com/a/r12nF >> Most excellent ad on Craiglist << Looking for a band to play at a wedding? This guy may be all the bassist you'll need. http://www.tickld.com/funny/t/797695 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> CatCam shows what cats really get up to << Wonder what your cat does when you're not around? All our darkest suspicions have been confirmed. http://www.b3ta.com/links/CaC:25 >> Hong Kong neon wonderland << Designers wax lyrical on the beautifully-lit nightscape of Hong Kong. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nice_little_video_on_neo... >> French cat walks into door << Le thud! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Le_thud ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Hidden Horrors challenge Last week we wanted you to show us the monsters that exist all around us. Your favourites included: * NIGHTMAREMITE: Never smear the thick black stuff on your toast again (ferret) http://b3ta.com/board/11076360 * ESCARELATOR: Centipedal power harnessed by London Underground (HappyToast) http://b3ta.com/board/11075763 * FEARRAGE: The truth behind Clarkson is worse than you imagined (Snappyuk) http://b3ta.com/board/11076037 All these images, and the most horrifying as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/hiddenhorror/ >> New challenge: First versions << This week's image challenge is to show us the early prototypes of everyday objects. Scissors, toasters and rotary clothes dryers that never made it off the drawing board. http://b3ta.com/challenge/First-versions/ ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fork, Jimbuktu, buffet_the_appetite_slayer, Ghoti Fingers. Image challenge by Chris. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make people think you have a limp by pretending to have a limp. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive