we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: HELL YEAH LET'S PARTY LIKE IT'S 1997 IT'S THE B3TA NEWSLETTER next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Your shit celeb encounters * CAT GIFS - Reenacted by a human * CHALLENGE - Put jokes into the background ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're writing the ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Music, Tweets, More music & number plates >> Old musicians are better a bit faster << "As a long time board lurker, I have only ever had one thing I wanted to share with the world", writes rimbaud, "my theory that pop musicians get slower and slower over time and this is bad. I therefore present my grand work that I hope will convince you. I also need some good suggestions." http://fifteenpercentfaster.tumblr.com/ >> Father Jack Hackett's vs Twitter << "Something I made recently which floats tweets around the screen" ,writes rolandino, "tweets that include the swearing of Father Hackett (from Father Ted). Includes sound samples of his swearing, so have your sound turned up. Daft experiment in many ways. Works best on desktops." http://bit.ly/1cf6bmO >> Derek had a Double Dose << "I've been experimenting with some new software", writes swedemason, " I spunked every effect i could on this fairly random bit of video, apologies if it makes you feel abit sick, or induces flashbacks." http://www.b3ta.com/links/Derek_had_a_Double_Dose >> Personalised number plates = shit << "What is it about personalised number plates that makes them seem so shit?", writes feelwelcome, "I got After Effects last week." http://bit.ly/1cf6fCX ------------------------------------------------- : USVSTH3M STUFF 3 good things they / we did this week * FIVE CAT GIFS REENACTED BY A HUMAN CAT GIFS. CUTE. Adorable. But we reckon human GIFs might be the FUTURE, so we got Tom, one of the UsVsTh3m team, to reenact some of the greatest cat GIFs of all time. http://usvsth3m.com/post/69169102523/ * ARE YOU ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST? Take the Are You On Santa's Naughty List? quiz now. http://toys.usvsth3m.com/naughty/ * 24 BIZARRE AND SOCIOPATHIC LIFE LESSONS - every child learnt from The Sims http://usvsth3m.com/post/68884279191/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Self-inflicted Injuries Last week we wanted the awful damage you'd done to yourself with only the help of your own idiocy: http://b3ta.com/questions/selfinflictedinjury/ * MUM HUMOUR - "My friend T and I spent a year living with my parents while working in a sheet metal shop. One he was moving heavy sheets from one pile to another when the guy assisting him grew annoyed at the slow pace. So they started flipping several plates at one time. One set slipped and slammed T's hand into an upright stack, slicing through his glove and into the back of his hand. Off to the emergency room in a company truck with T holding a wad of paper towels against the cut with his hand in his lap. When we got home that night, he discovered that blood had soaked through to his Y-fronts so he dropped them into the bathroom trashcan. Next morning we discover that my mom had fished T's underwear out of the trash and laundered them, getting out the bloodstain. They were neatly folded next to the bathroom sink, along with an ancient box of Kotex and a pamphlet titled "Now You're a Woman" (Wahoo) * ROCK HARD - "We're playing the end-of-year ball at the all-girls college. Our band is in the cool-and-edgy basement, it's a great, hot, intense, sweaty gig. Crowds of female students dancing away. Feeling like proper rock stars we strip to the waist and finish on a jazz-funk version of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid". The crowd goes wild! It comes to the guitar solo, and BANG! We shift gear from slow funk to full-on metal as I hurtle into an over the top frenzy, the girls go even wilder and I climb the amp stack giving it the full-on rock god treatment. It doesn't *get* any better than this! Climax of the solo, big drum roll, and I leap like Dave Lee Roth off the amp stack, arm wheeling like Pete Townshend at his finest. I pull the splits in mid-air. I only remember that we're in a low-ceilinged basement just *after* I crack my head on the a pipe in the ceiling, spin wildly in mid-air, and land on my hip & elbow from a height of about 8 feet up. Half-unconscious, flat on the floor and crippled with pain, I've bent my guitar lead, and there's no sound coming out with a minute of the song to go. I pull myself over to my effects pedals, plug in with a tiny patch cable finish completely horizontal. 20 yrs later I *still* have the scar in my forehead from the bolt in the pipe. Rock 'n' roll, maaaaan." (Young Master Ploppy) * DAISY - "When I was about five or six, I was dicking around in the garden and I pushed a daisy up my nose. So far up my nose, in fact, that I had to be taken to hospital to extract it." (V3lvetPresley) >> This Week - CELEB ENCOUNTERS III << Which famous arses have you met this time? http://b3ta.com/questions/celebencounters3/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates * NEW STATESMAN TROLLING READERS - with this ridiculous bit of journalism http://bit.ly/1cf6gH6 * I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAUBLE - Deck the halls with Miley Cyrus, fa la la la la, la la la la. http://bit.ly/1cf6kqk * FIND THE INVISIBLE COW - Do you like shouting and cows? Then Find The Invisible Cow will be the best game you've ever played http://www.findtheinvisiblecow.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Coz kids love vids * HIGELLA - Charles Saaaatchi is a total wanker, but this is quite funny Sub-Cassetteboy Nigella thing. http://bit.ly/1cf6jmh * LEGO BLUES BROTHERS - does what it says on the lego box. http://www.youtube.com/watch * CHRIST ON A BIKE - what do you think a video called "christ on a bike" will be? Bet you'll guess. http://youtu.be/PoKM4W3x0Z8 * CORRUPTED MARIO 64 LSD - Video game corruptions are intentional glitches produced by loading the game data into an editor and introducing deliberate errors to see the effects. http://www.youtube.com/watch * ALDI CHAMPAGNE COMMERCIAL - most adverts are shit. This one isn't. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aldi_champagne_commercia... * PICARD SINGS CHRISTMAS CAROL - quite enjoyable as cut up bits of video go. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Picard_sings_a_Christmas... * ORBITAL'S CHIME REWORKED AS A CHRISTMAS SONG. Grinning from ear to ear. Ridiculous bells. https://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Unsellable Challenge Last week we wanted you to sell the unsellable Your favourites included: * DRAWINGS: demented additions to Toys R Us catalogue of evil (The Twisted Omentum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11034067 * DISC: recorded shrieking provides sweet consolation to impotent (robneymcplum) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11033973 * DULL: multi-volume DVD of static classic delights patient viewers (Ninj) http://www.b3ta.com/board/11034325 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sell-the-unsellable/ >> New challenge: Background Jokes << This week's fiendish chore is to take a famous image, and add something comical or interesting to the background, leaving the foreground as before. Challenge suggested by monkeon http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/background-jokes/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LOGAN'S RUN AS A SOCIAL NETWORK. People are kicked out over 30 so that parents can never see what the kids are up to. * A PAGE THAT PLAYS THE FACEBOOK ALERT NOISE EVERY FEW MINS - so it looks like you're popular. * AN ALARM WITH BUILT IN TIME MACHINE - so the sleep button sends you back 1hour to get more sleep. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- SUB: [email protected] SNUB: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mofaha, Amorous Badger, fred zeppelin, Colostomy Bag Explosion, robneymcplum & nobby.uk Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Tip via The Lurker. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Make your life easier and better by being nice to people. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive